- weird autocorrect above— helping her think through her choices and decisions so she is less likely to question her decisions (not “oust”, LOL). And the Dept store was Lucky Platt, not Maas Brothers (that was in FL).
@jym626 I think you’re being assumptive about my role versus what she has already done. She is in contact with the school, is responsible for her own paperwork, and is making all of her plans mostly herself. I legally could not even do any of this if I even tried. I’m not even very informed on what she has and hasn’t done because it really is much of my business. I simply ask “Everything good to go?” and I expect a simple yes or no. If she needs help, she will ask for it.
In regards to my comment about talking to the school today, I want to ask them if having a note would grant a student different residency options and how to go about that. This is something I want to do personally because I am not going to suggest she jumps through hoops and add to her preparation work load if its not even a plausible option. We not be receiving or giving any personal information but more so “What if a student”-type broad question.
I am leading from behind by having answers to yet to be asked questions and banking knowledge for when a situation arises that I would need my advice. I also like to know all the details about the entire process because I do care about her success and I am footing the bill. I also do not want to burden her with the “What about this?” and “Have you done that?” “You need to do this.” because I am not a helicopter parent and she can figure it out for herself. It doesn’t mean I want to find those answers on my own time. I value information and I enjoy research. I don’t think most parents wouldn’t seek out this information regardless of whether or not they were taking control of this process. I’m not spending 70K a year to sit back blind and watch a teenager flounder when faced with difficulties by saying “You should have figured it out for yourself”. If she can’t, I’ll have an answer.
As for campus safety, I reflected on my personal experience and noted that walking alone isn’t a great idea at all. I was trying to ease a mother’s mind who has a daughter who is already doing such a thing. Clearly, it takes one awful person to ruin someone’s life and that could be anywhere. I was trying to suggest groups of nefarious characters do not hang around the campus (homeless, gang members, drug dealers) from my experience. Thing could have changed, its been a few years.
Just responding to what is being posted here.
If your niece has a single mom and an absent dad, did she apply for a CSSPROFILE waiver for the absent, non-custodial parent? Vassar is well known for its very generous need-based FA. Are you saying she is a full pay student and you are planning/agreeing to pay $70K/year for her education? Is your mom the legal guardian of your siblings? Whose finances were submitted for your niece’s FA?
My mother’s finances were submitted for her FA. As far as CSSPROFILE waivers or any of the financial paperwork, I am uninvolved with that process. My mother has 3 adult children and legal custody of my sister’s 3 minors.
Is your mother employed? What FA package did your niece get? What’s is the extent of your financial contribution? There is no way your niece should be a full pay student.
Step back. Way back. You are over thinking this and anticipating problems where there aren’t any. Your niece is not the only student with anxiety issues; there are plenty in therapy there. She is also not the only assault survivor. And she is not the only one who wants clean clothes. Many, many other students have these issues and they handle it, often all together with the support of their friends. She will too. Stop micromanaging and let this student live for a while-she will surprise you by rising to the task.
A bit of reality check. My freshman year at HYPSM my classmates included a crown Prince of a middle eastern empire, a famous American actress, several heirs to truly legendary American fortunes, and the usual gaggle of billionaires’ children. They all managed to do their own laundry. Not one sent it out. Your niece can too.
Thanks for all the advice. Being accused of being helicopter parent, anxious and micromanaging isn’t the information I was seeking. I asked for advice in regards to what other’s would do. I did not come here seeking judgement or commentary on my personality. I do not think I will be coming to forums like this again. This has been enlightening.
You said you were open minded. People here have lots of experience and can be very helpful. Not all the advice may be what is wanted, but it is with the best of intentions. I agree with Roycroftmom. I having a single isn’t going to make her look special or entitled. But having a brand new car, possible pickup/drop off laundry and/or a house to access for laundry or whatever could.
The parents here speak from experience and are trying to provide helpful feedback. Please be as open minded as you said you were.
And Vassar didn’t give a good enough FA package (doubtful) your mom can ask for professional judgment.
I am open minded to suggestions, helpful information, and experience. I am not open minded to blantant judgements of people who know virtually nothing about me, judgement on my relationship to my niece (which I never asked or) and accusations questioning my personal mental health. They’re overstepping their boundaries and it is there right to do so. I wouldn’t do such a thing in their position and I am now choosing to leave this thread behind because I don’t have time to waste on defending myself or sift through posts for usable information. It’s just catty internet garbage, like most forums, and I guess I was expecting better from this website.
@roycroftmom -“A bit of reality check. My freshman year at HYPSM my classmates included a crown Prince of a middle eastern empire, a famous American actress, several heirs to truly legendary American fortunes, and the usual gaggle of billionaires’ children. They all managed to do their own laundry. Not one sent it out. Your niece can too.”
I really question the veracity of this statement. How do you know they did their own laundry? Several years I ago I was speaking with a young lady who was a college student interning in DC for our local congressman. She told me that several of her roommates sent all of their laundry out and had to ask her for help if they actually needed to do their own laundry in an emergency situation.
@WMichealson - I think you got some great information if you just ignore the judgemental people. Unfortunately, it seems there are a few who frequent the Parent Forums who often turn to judgmental attacks. I think it’s easy for people to hide behind the anonymous nature of the forums to say things they would never say to someone’s face. I am an information gatherer myself, so I understand the desire to want to understand all of the facts before making decisions. I like to process through all of the what-ifs and come to a conclusion before presenting major decisions to others. Hopefully, you gathered the information you needed. Best wishes for your niece in her transition to college.
Posters provide useful feedback. But when things don’t always add up, if information comes out in bits and pieces, sometimes it can be frustrating as it can feel like an inefficient use of time and energy trying to be helpful when information sometimes varies or is incomplete. It does work both ways. Jut saying.
@Sahnkc, I literally lived in the same building. We shared wash machines. We laughed over mishaps and traded laundry tips. So etimes our wash got mixed up.It was 30 years ago, so maybe students were just far more capable then, or maybe parents had more confidence in their students ability to cope. That, in turn, bred self reliance in those kids, who did cope
Will hope that this student got a strong need-based FA package (Vassar is well known for its generous need-based aid) and that the OP’s contribution to the full COA is nominal. Sometimes when a student is full pay, that brings a different set of comments from other posters!
I don’t see how questioning about finances is relevant to the questions/advice being asked for by the OP. I can also see why many people don’t stay around these forums for long when such judgmental comments are made. There are ways to give helpful advice or suggestions but I continually see rude comments aimed at well meaning parents or family members.OP, feel free to message me with any other questions and you can let me know if your niece ends up in
Strong. Maybe the girls can connect.
@roycroftmom - Maybe 30 years ago it was that common, but I think times have changed and the OP’s niece wouldn’t be the only person to send out laundry.
@jym626 Sometimes when a student is full pay, that brings a different set of comments from other posters! - not only here on the CC but IRL also. My kids have had a few awful experiences because they are seen as “wealthy” (I would debate that characterization!). Neither kid will say what subdivision we live in upon first meeting people, because they don’t like that automatic judgment. If I ever heard my kids judging someone based on their parent’s financial situation - well it wouldn’t be pleasant at all!
@elena13 - the reason the finances is relevant is b/c the OP said she was paying $70k/yr. for her niece. If so, then even if she doesn’t feel she has any direct say in the niece’s life/decisions, the indirect, covert influence would be understandably very strong, and her her desire for her niece’s success is even more understandable (of course everyone wants their family member to succeed, as was said upthread) and her niece’s desire to listen to her aunt , with whom she has a good relationship, is also understandable. So, it comes into play when the OP suggested things like having the niece check on her home while she (niece) is a student. The student would understandably feel some sense of duty, but this is shouldn’t be a responsibility of an incoming freshman, even if it was intended as a secondary way of making the home available as a respite.
Many of the things that are being thought through now will fall into place without the advanced planning. The important things now are to register with the Disability services office, explore housing requests (to be done by the student, who is likely 18 by now and has to handle this herself) and if the FA package wasn’t sufficient, to consider having the guardian ask for professional judgment.
As for judgmental people, its often those accusing posters comments as being judgmental who are themselves being judgmental.
So, to summarize the original questions, 1) No do not give her a key (even digital) to your home, 2)visit when she wants to, maybe once or twice a semester at most— let her adjust to school, and 3) the showers and laundry conditions are typical college facilities.
And realize that in all likelihood the student will be just fine, regardless of what OP does or doesn’t do. At the end of the day, it just won’t matter that much.
I have a daughter who is a freshman at Vassar. She is also a meticulous (not to say obsessive) planner, and tends to flip out when she doesn’t have enough information to make a plan. She is currently obsessing because she does not as yet have a job lined up for the summer and is therefore very concerned she will not be able to make her summer savings allotment for her financial aid award. We have tried to explain to her that it is January of her freshman year and that no one is thinking about summer interns. She has also been on three interviews over break and at the very worst can go back to the place she worked last summer and make sufficient money to cover what she needs. But until it is done and decided, she is going to stress over it. So I think I get where you are coming from with some of this.
Here are a couple things to put in the quiver as it were.
Yes, there is an all female house at Vassar where issues of mixed bathrooms/dorm floors do not arise. My understanding is pretty much everyone who requests that house (Strong house) gets it as a freshman. My daughter initially planned on living in Strong house but then changed her mind over the course of the spring. She is in one of the co ed houses and seems to love it so far.
The co ed bathrooms in all the dorms I have seen are pretty nice, although admittedly I am a guy so my standards are likely lower than yours or your nieces. All the showers are individual stalls with a small changing alcove and have doors or at least walls with curtains. All of the toilets are in individual stalls. My daughter appears to have had absolutely no problems with the system, and says it is better than sharing a bathroom with her brother, because he never cleaned up after himself and left things “gross”. I take from that that the bathrooms in her dorm at least are cleaned frequently.
The laundry situation is fine. There are washers and dryers in each dorm, and kids pay with their “V Card”. There is a cool little app my daughter has on her phone that will alert her when a load she has placed in the washer or dryer is done.
A fair number of kids have cars, even as freshmen. Our daughter does not. She has had no problems bumming rides to the train station or for fairly frequent Rossi’s runs. FWIW, we did not want her to have a car her freshman year because we wanted her to integrate with the campus, and immerse herself in what Vassar is, rather than being able to take off for friends in NYC or her brother in NJ if things got rough for her. I might think about that a bit before I told her she could have easy access to your house. Sometimes the right answer is to stay put and work it out, rather than withdraw. I might be worried that your niece would use the house as a “safety net” rather than making the effort to make friends and get involved in some of the massive number of extra curricular groups Vassar has.
Since the OP is reading but no longer posting in the thread, maybe there isn’t much more to add, and perhaps the mods will close the thread. Best of luck to all Vassar students.