Question For Parents with LGBT Kids

Parents Forum
1

<p>Before I begin my post, I want to note two things. First, I am a long-time poster (have been on CC for about four years) but have created a new user name for this question. This is NOT because I have any problem with my son being gay, but because by his choice he is not “out” to everyone and I don’t want to inadvertently out him by someone reading my post and making the connection. And two, I would really appreciate responses from those who have “been there” and would also be grateful for no flaming. Thanks!</p>

<p>I have one child in college and one who is a junior in HS, so this is our second time around with the college search process. Our high school student told us he was gay shortly before he started 9th grade and although it was a true surprise to us, we as a family are totally supportive of him and have no problem with this. What I’ve been wondering lately, though, for those of you with LGBT kids: what kind of influence was this on your child’s college search? What I mean is: was this a factor in deciding which schools to consider? If so, how significant a factor? With our child, we realize that for the most part, Catholic or other schools with a religious bent are out (we’re not very religious, so not a big deal…though a school such as BC, for example, which might have made it on his list otherwise, is not on it.) We live on the east coast and he is mostly looking at colleges from Virginia north to New England. I want him to be somewhere that he will be happy and comfortable, but am wondering if I am putting too much importance on places that are said to be “gay-friendly”. Or not enough. Anyway....any input or advice about your own experiences would be much appreciated!</p>

2

<p>I have noticed that pretty much all the public universities in Michigan have info on their websites for LGBT people. Usually there are people you can contact at the universities you can talk to so I would think other states probably have similar info.</p>

3

<p>A lot of colleges will have an LGBT Soc / Gay-Straight Alliance or similar. I’d suggest contacting them and asking how many active members there are of the society, how the faculty react to gay students, whether or not there are significant levels of homophobic crime locally etc. etc. </p>

<p>How much emphasis needs to be placed on it? Only your son knows if he needs to be somewhere like San Francisco to be happy, or if merely avoiding religious colleges will be enough for him (or, most likely, somewhere inbetween).</p>

4

<p>Just to point out that not all Catholic schools are the same–for example gay students wouldn’t have a problem at Fordham Lincoln Center</p>

5

<p>I’m an lgbt recent graduate and worked closely with my best friend (who’s gay) when he was applying to colleges. Honestly, there didn’t seem to be any issue when we were searching. Getting involved in lgbt groups didn’t appeal to either of us at the time so that didn’t weigh heavily on our decisions. We avoided religious schools because neither of us are religious and crossed off schools that leaned conservative, just to dwindle our list. </p>

<p>He ended up picking a school that he was originally apprehensive about. It’s a relatively small tech school. However, he contacted their lgbt group and they said the school had been extremely welcoming with virtually no incidents. </p>

<p>To be completely honest, unless a school is rather conservative and religious, most students aren’t going to give a rat’s patootie about your son’s orientation. With that said, no one is going to know the climate better than those on the board of the lgbtq organization so I second a suggestion above.</p>

6

<p>UNC-Chapel Hill has large, active LGBT community, and is openly welcoming, as is UMd College Park</p>

7

<p>Definitely seconding the UNC Chapel Hill suggestion if your son is a very competitive applicant.
I think that if the school is out of the south and not very conservative your son should be okay. I recommend visiting schools that he’s considering if you can. It’s always helpful to talk to students and ask them about student life. Definitely visit the LGBT club/center. Ask about how people treat them, if they have problems at the school because of their sexuality, etc. I think that’s the best way to go because no two schools are the same. The high school I used to go to was so conservative and southern and intolerant. The one I go to now is like 3 miles up the road and completely LGBT friendly and minority friendly.</p>

8

<p>Is your son planning to study the Liberal Arts, and wants a very small school near NYC? Sarah Lawrence College has a strong LGBT presence.</p>

9

<p>This looks like a good resource -
[Campus</a> Pride: Find Your Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Friendly College or University](<a href=“http://www.campusprideindex.org/]Campus”>http://www.campusprideindex.org/)</p>

10

<p>

There are many schools in the South where homophobia is shunned and identifying as LGBT is perfectly accepted. I’ve never heard of an LGBT student having an issue at Emory as far as acceptance goes.</p>

11

<p>One other thing to consider, if your son is interested in an LAC environment, is the size of the school and whether it is geographically isolated. Having a reasonable-sized dating pool matters.</p>

12

<p>

</p>

<p>However, SLC has good offerings in only a few subjects: visual and performing arts, history, literature, writing, and psychology. Other liberal arts subjects (e.g. economics, political science, sociology, and all of the sciences) are quite limited there.</p>

<p>[Undergraduate</a> Catalogue](<a href=“Disciplines and Programs of Study | Sarah Lawrence College”>Disciplines and Programs of Study | Sarah Lawrence College)</p>

13

<p>I will echo others and say that it really depends on the student. Asides from straight-up avoiding homophobia and hate crimes, there’s a big range: Does your son want to be involved in LGBTQ+ organizations or activism? Does he want to just be able to be out to friends without it being a big deal, or does he actively want professors and administration who explicitly support queer students, teach LGBTQ+ history and such in a variety of departments (at Smith, asides from the Women and Gender department, departments such as Government, History, Sociology, English, and many more have coursework focusing or at least including LGBT history, authors, etc). Does he want to be in an area where he can find a place of worship that’s LGBT-friendly and close to his school?</p>

14

<p>

</p>

<p>Do people assume that tech schools or students are less LGBTQ-friendly than others? If so, why?</p>

15

<p>I think I’ve been over this before with you, but maybe it was someone else. Those in the STEM fields are considered more conservative than those in liberal arts fields. This is a perception so please don’t link back statistics or anything because they’re irrelevant to this IMO. So, yes, he had apprehensions about going into a tech school rather than general public U or a LAC.</p>

16

<p>My son isn’t gay however he does have friends who are. Most kids don’t care what
someones orientation is. We live in Georgia so I wouldn’t rule out the south.
While I would check to make sure the college isn’t homophobic I would put more importance on what his career goals are.</p>

17

<p>

I completely agree; my experiences in North Carolina and Tennessee line up with yours.</p>

<p>

I don’t think you’ll have a problem finding colleges where gay kids are welcome. Pretty much every college these days is at least tolerant of LGB folk. </p>

<p>One thing I do think you need to consider is the size of the dating pool, as daisychain mentioned earlier. If he would like to date in college, there should be a critical mass of gay/bi guys available. Although many like to suggest small LACs, the math suggests that such places are not always the best options. </p>

<p>For example, Haverford has 548 males on campus. Even if you assume 15% are gay or bi (a pretty generous estimate), that’s about 82 guys. When you start factoring in that as many as 1/3 of them may be closeted, you’re down to a little over 50. Some of those may be taken, reducing the number still further…your options start to get very slim very fast. Several LGB students on here at places like Williams have complained about the lack of dating options and/or out students on campus, though they otherwise felt welcome. </p>

<p>Arguably the best LACs for G/B guys fit at least one of these criteria:
[ul][<em>]LACs in a consortium – Quaker schools, Claremonts, 5 Colleges, etc.
[</em>]Urban LACs – Reed, Lewis & Clark, Occidental, Macalester, Rhodes, Trinity U, etc.
[li]Unusually large or with an unusually large LGB population – Oberlin, Vassar, Wesleyan, etc. [/ul]</p>[/li]
<p>I second the suggestion of contacting LGB students on campus. Here’s a list of LGBT centers on college campuses:</p>

<p>[Consortium</a> of Higher Education LGBT Resource Professionals | LGBT Centers](<a href=“http://web.archive.org/web/20120204084229/http://www.lgbtcampus.org/directory/]Consortium”>http://web.archive.org/web/20120204084229/http://www.lgbtcampus.org/directory/)</p>

<p>Also good (but increasingly old and outdated) is the Advocate College Guide for LGBT Students. Your local library might have a copy. Princeton Review has a similar book out, but I have not read it. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/155583857X[/url]”>http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/155583857X&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>The Campus Climate Index website (linked by BeanTownGirl in post #9) is good for the colleges it offers, but not all colleges choose to participate (my alma mater does not).</p>

18

<p>Romani’s suggestion of contacting the LBGT group is a good one, and can be adapted to a variety of needs. </p>

<p>Techies are often economically conservative (at least compared to their peers) and are more socially neutral (live and let live) than are activists. Glenn Reynolds’ frequent comment about his ideal America - married gay couples with guns in the closet - pretty much sums up the tech/STEM attitude toward political issues, IMHO.</p>

19

<p>

</p>

<p>It’s a fine line to walk, isn’t it?</p>

<p>My son is gay and is now finishing his third year as a student at Northeastern University in Boston. While it’s true, or at least I think it’s true, that most campus (with the obvious exceptions) are fairly gay-friendly, one thing that was important to me was to find out if the campus police had training in how to handle hate crimes and how to deal with GLBT students. It’s terrible enough to think of my child being a victim, to think he might be victimized again by those who are supposed to help was too much. I also think it’s just an overall good sign if the college cares enough to provide that extra training. </p>

<p>Another good indicator is if the staff/professors feel they can be out and safe. If he wants to to do it, your student can be asked to be put in touch with a gay faculty member. </p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

20

<p>Thank you to everyone who posted, both here and in PMs. To the PMs: I will respond as soon as I have 15 postings - I’m not allowed to PM until then. I’ll respond to the posts above individually to try and up my posting rate :)</p>