Questions

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>My husband and I have been looking into sending our daughter to boarding school. She's in seventh grade this year. If we do send her to boarding school, we aren't going to send her until high school. We move around frequently, and so far, we've been bringing our daughter with us.</p>

<p>She brought up boarding school a few months ago, and she presented quite an argument about why she should be allowed to go. We've talked to a few people about it, but we've gotten a mixed response. Most of the response we've gotten is that we shouldn't send her away. But we don't know anyone who has children at boarding school, so we can't really get a good argument for it.</p>

<p>So, what has your experience with boarding school been? What are the biggest pros and cons? If we maintain a house in the US, but live outside the US, would we be able to give our US address as her permanent address?</p>

2

<p>Here’s a good semi-recent thread for you to review until other folks chime in…</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1009599-why-we-doing.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/1009599-why-we-doing.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

3

<p>The fact that she brought it up and is motivated is a good sign. Don’t let what local people think cloud you and your daughter’s decision. Most of the parents on here are pro-boarding school, otherwise they wouldn’t be on this forum. </p>

<p>I do know a student whose parents move often. BS actually gives her some stability for her high school experience. She has the opportunity to make some deeper connections with peers (and teachers) because she’s with same group of kids for 4 years. And academically there’s more continuity too. She chose BS partly because of that. She didn’t want to be in multiple schools during her high school career.</p>

<p>I don’t know about the status of the permanent address. I imagine someone here does. Or you can call an admissions office and inquire. </p>

<p>Good luck. If your daughter wants it and you think she can handle it, what do you have to lose in applying?</p>

4

<p>If you are US Citizens then you should give your US address, however you should give your actual address once she enrolls, so that the school is able to communicate with you.
If you move around a lot, then a boarding school experience will bring her stability in friends that teens crave, and that she probably isnt getting. Also besides the absolutely outstanding education that good boarding schools provide, she will have the benefit of continuous classes and teachers that will know her, her learning style and habits that can help her in case of issues (and will be able to write a knowledgeable rec for college)</p>

5

<p>Pros and cons are hard to generalize. A pro for someone may be a con for someone else. For example, if you thrive in a learning environment with stimulating peer discussions then BS’s high quality of student body is a pro but it’s a con for someone who can’t handle peer pressure and not being number 1 all the time. I guess to get a better idea what BS is all about you just need to look back at some old threads and stay here longer. It’d be more helpful when you can ask more specific questions.</p>

6

<p>I’m a BS grad and found it gratifying. I grew in ways I would not have if I had stayed home. But BS is not for everyone. It takes a certain independence and ability to “advocate” for oneself once solo.</p>

<p>My D is now at a boarding school (by her own choice). She’s loving it and I can feel the joy in her heart even as my heart breaks because I miss her a lot. She’s happy - we have many giggly conversations over classes and friends and just stuff in general. </p>

<p>Pros - exposure to more rigorous class work (so college will be less of a transition for her than her public school friends). Opportunities to meet a wider range of people. More individualized attention. Smaller class sizes. Lots of international opportunities for travel. She had to “up” her game to keep up with the classroom rigor. She’s not a “face in the crowd.” Affectionate relationships with faculty that has extended to us as a family. In a word, she told me today she loves her school and on a recent visit we could see it in her eyes and in the way the faculty interacted with her.</p>

<p>Cons - homesickness (more for us than for her). Costs (tuition, airfare, books, incidentals, care packages).</p>

<p>I’m from the midwest and a lot of people criticized my husband and I (and her) for the decision. But I find that those people are the same who insist their children stay close to home (or within driving distance) for college. It’s just “not done” and the concept of BS is often more about sending a child to reform school, then to an “early college” program. I have to pry their kids out of their hands at the MIT acceptance reception. So it’s often really about the parent not being ready to let go. And if you do - that puts them under more pressure to think about their own situation. So “group think” means making you toe the party line so they don’t have to think out of the box.</p>

<p>A suggestion - when my D brought up the subject, we told her that the reality of BS was not the same as a Disney channel depiction. So we sent her to Access Exeter where she could immerse for the summer and see if she liked the concept. She loved it and had to be dragged off campus at the end (I’m being facetious for those that don’t know that) and that’s when we knew she was on the right path.</p>

<p>So try a summer program (many schools have them) and see how she - and you - adjust. If it works, let her fly away. She’ll be stronger for the experience.</p>

<p>Then apply to a range - visit as many as you can to get the “real” flavor of the culture rather than the viewbook marketing version. Then go from there.</p>

<p>Good luck. It’s tough to let them go. But when they’re happy - the feeling eases.</p>

7

<p>Plus one on the summer program suggestion. It’s a nice, non-permanent way to see how living out of the home suits both the child and parents/other siblings.</p>

8

<p>Exie’s response was written for me and my d as well. (Great words-thank you).</p>

<p>My d spent 3 summer at a 3-week program to get a feeling of being “on her own” (SIG-Vassar) and loved it. I too, had to “drag” her off campus promising her a return the next summer. She enjoyed the “controlled freedom”. I prepared myself for a possible life with my teenager away.</p>

<p>My d began bs this September and is thriving beautifully. The school, faculty, academics and environment exceeded our wildest expectations. Academically, it is providing the challenge that we wanted for her, she is loving the work and the idea that her classmates are also working (major problem in her urban high school setting of last year).</p>

<p>She has been introduced to life lessons of making decisions on who to “friend” and how to distance herself and “de-friend” when the others’ actions she doesnt approve of. She has engaged in some new opportunities and testing the water in ares she had no access to at home. She is learning that everyone is not accepting of her and how to deal with that disappointment. </p>

<p>My d now has many more adults watching her and concerned about her growth than ever before. The adults “assigned” to her (teachers, adviser and dorm parents) do a fabulous job, but it the other adults that she just comes in contact with that also make this experience worthwhile. My d has a great relationship with a physics teacher that lives close to her. She admires his teacher ability but also admires his abilities as a dad and husband and his time to talk with her and his cycling background.</p>

<p>My d is an only child, from a very small family. She has come to admire and respect the mentoring that her proctors have given her. They are the “big sisters” she never had. After just 2 weeks she spoke of having the “best 3 proctors” on campus. It is their “leading by example” that has guided her in having a successful transition into boarding school.</p>

<p>It is not perfect, her room is a mess (as it was at home). I wonder if she dresses warm enough. She seems to have lost a few pound (all that walking). Many parents visit monthly, we are a FA family so that is not an option. I miss her terribly, yet she seems to have no homesickness (except for wanting real scrambled eggs). During parents weekend she seemed almost too busy in her “flow” to be bothered with me, I was hurt. As I watched her walk away with a friend, instead of walking me to my car, I realized that her independence and happiness is wanted I wanted for her. </p>

<p>When we skyped last sunday, I told her that some parents from our city were coming to campus and would check on her, I told her I wished I was coming too, but I couldnt afford it. Her response to me was “Mom, you were just here for parents weekend and I will be coming home for thanksgiving in 3 weeks. You will be fine.”</p>

<p>I’m not fine yet, but I am getting better.</p>

9

<p>My son gives us the brush-off too when we bring him back after a night or WE etc.
I think it has something to do with protecting themselves. They are part of a community, or another world if you will. They know they can’t come home, and have given in to the idea that they are now in another place where faculty and friends are extremely important in getting by the day to day. There must be a name for this phenomenon. But I am sure its all part of the going-away/living away process, maybe unique to freshman, I don’t know.</p>

10

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</p>

<p>Stockholm Syndrome…JUST KIDDING!!! (sort off :slight_smile: )</p>

11

<p>Thank you so much! This is exactly what we’re looking for.</p>

<p>Our daughter is very independent, and she’s very driven and smart. Probably the biggest reason we have to send her to boarding school is that it’s much more stable than any education we can provide. Depending on where we live, she goes to a local public school, a private school, or she’s homeschooled.</p>

<p>We’ll definitely look more into summer programs. We’ve found a couple of schools that all three of us like, so we’ll look at what summer programs they offer.</p>

<p>We are US citizens, but we all also hold British citizenship. Would that affect anything?</p>

<p>We have a much younger son, also. How did your other children react to their siblings moving away?</p>

<p>Just advice in general would be great.</p>

12

<p>Neato—in a loving way…I am in 100% agreement. When Alexz comes home for break I will ask her that question face-to-face. Thanks for brightening up my day.</p>

<p>I spoke to the school psych, after a parent-weekend new student meeting and he informed me that my d’s attitude was very usual. He explained that a lot of kids act this way. Many are very homesick or not homesick at all and are just “stretching the cord.” Trying to show the parents that they are alright. He told me to remember that she is still a teen, and she has responsibilities to me (parent). She could be placed on restriction and the school would support this. If I wanted her to call twice a week or skype on Sundays, I had every right to make that decision and she was to abide by it. I put my foot down, and things have turned out great.</p>

<p>I will admit that on my way back to take her to the house for the last time, I mentioned to her that I was a little hurt that I had come so far and she didnt seem to have much time for me. I told her that I loved her but didnt love her attitude and tone. I made a point to express these feelings and leave her to think about it. (I also informed the house mother and other adults). </p>

<p>By the time I arrived at home, she had called and we talked. Things are better. I believe that my d loves and needs guidelines and boundaries…even from me 950 miles away.</p>

<p>Just my 3 cents.</p>

13

<p>I think your dual citizenship would be a positive, not a negative. As for which address to list, I would ask the admissions officer who interviews your daughter. It’s a very good thing that your family is thinking of this soon. The fall will be here before you know it and you’ll be touring schools with your daughter. I think you will find a number of “Third Culture Kids” at boarding schools. </p>

<p>Our experience has been positive thus far. My son is adjusting to a “new normal” and that was expected. The adjustment would have occurred no matter which school he would have attended. As for younger siblings, my youngest has taken it completely in stride. My daughter, who is closer to my son, is primarily really jealous! With Facebook and texts, it’s easier for them to stay in touch. It is a somewhat strange experience, though; having one less child in the house. It has effected me more than I expected. It’s just a completely different dynamic without the “oldest boy” at the table, etc. Needless to say, we are looking forward to Thanksgiving break.</p>

<p>Regarding what “other people” will think - try to find parents who have actually sent their children to prep school. They are the ones that can give you the information that will be the most use for you. There will be people who will judge you for it and say things like, “Oh, I couldnever send my child away.” </p>

<p>You will not be “sending her away.” You will be allowing her to go. There is a big difference. I was asked recently if I was ready to let my own daughter go and I said that it would be cruel to stop her. </p>

<p>Oh, and welcome to CC. :)</p>

14

<p>Sunnyserendipity- you would be surprised at the large number of Expat/Diplomat family/Aramco dependents there are at these schools! In many cases the country/company even pays the fees. It seems to be a good solution for families who move around overseas a lot. Being a British citizen is not at all unusual. When the kids go on overseas programs you would be surprised at how many of them have non US passports. Good luck with your decision!</p>

15

<p>Neato and others…have you read “preparing for power-america’s elite boarding schools” by Cookson and Persell.</p>

<p>A cc member suggested it long ago but I am just now getting to it. It is out of print so a short wait is understandable.</p>

<p>It is from 1985 and gives somewhat a history of bs in America. It even goes as far as to explain the “feeds”. I am finding it very enlightening especially since I didnt attend bs. It is old so somethings have changed, but the fundamental principles are still in tact.</p>

16

<p>Skype has made life much more bearable. I walked my laptop around the house by her request so she could “check in” on the cats and see her room (didn’t remember leaving it a mess - although I assured her she did in her rush to pack up). She panned her laptop so I could see how she had rearranged her dorm room (equally messy).</p>

<p>But the biggest bonus is even when she’s frustrated by a grade or upcoming test, inevitably other girls will pop into the room, peek into the camera and say hello, then my daughter will laugh and carry on a conversation about everything from lights out to who forgot to replace the TP in the bathroom. During our last visit I gave both my girls a necklace - half hearts that said “Lil Sis” and “Big Sis” so they would think of each other while separated. So weeks later, when my D bent down to pan her laptop at something on the floor - there dangling in front of the webcam was her necklace hanging from her neck.</p>

<p>Sometimes it just takes a little thing to know all is right with the world.</p>

<p>You’d think, having gone through it, I’d be more relaxed. I think it’s like being in any relationship - you get addicted to the hugs and that’s what I miss the most. I planning to hug her into a marshmellow at Thanksgiving. She’s already informed me she’s going to be studying for exams and free time will be short supply. Sigh.</p>

<p>If I had it to do over again would I let her choose BS if she had better local options? Absolutely. Her learning to navigate the world, then texting or calling to tell me about it (the successes and the failures) makes my day. It means that I have raised a good kid.</p>

<p>Same to all of you. You’re all amazing (in case no one has told you lately).</p>

<p>Still, there needs to be a twelve step program for parents of BS kids. :=)</p>

17

<p>ExieMIT: Interesting, Exeter’s exams are after Thanksgiving? I see that Exeter’s winter term starts Dec 6 while DA’s starts on Nov 29, and all the exams are before the break. Also, Exeter has classes through Nov 23 while DA finishes on the 19th. Although, many DA kids may hang around if their team is in postseason playoffs.</p>

<p>Regarding the OP’s question: despite our boarding / private school background, sending kids to boarding schools has been the most difficult decision in our lives so far (difficult for us parents, that is). And it doesn’t get any easier year to year. Great for the kids though…</p>

18

<p>Alex, ExieMIT’s daughter doesn’t go to Exeter; rather, ExieMIT went to Exeter (then MIT).</p>

<p>Exeter’s finals are before Thanksgiving break. I’d hate for exams to be after break. I don’t think my son would consider it much of a break with exams looming.</p>

19

<p>Not to highjack this thread, but…I was thinking Stockholm too, but looking into it some more, our kids’ demeanor definitely has something to do with Group Dynamics/Group Process. Look it up. In order to be part of a group, you need to define who is in and who is out. Unfortunately, we parents are out. Also, group process explains the phenomenon of why some kids give up their own critical thinking when they join a group and how things like the bullying and facebook scandals can occur. Interesting…this may deserve it’s own discussion at some point.</p>

20

<p>Alextwoofour - I’m a Taft convert. Spent a long weekend there to discuss academics, admissions, etc and I’m smitten. Totally. </p>

<p>Neato - are you serious? BEFORE Thanksgiving? Are they crazy (okay - I know I’m being disloyal but Geez! The school’s already got a rep for being a bit intense.)</p>

<p>Taft’s semester finals are early December. My daughter insists I not remind her of how few weeks remain to study for them. I think it’s a lot of time. She thinks the semester is going faster than the speed of light.</p>

<p>Funny how on this end, the time before she’s home seems to pass at a snail’s pace.</p>