<p>How would I go about attempting to convince a parent to let me look at/apply to schools farther than around 3-4 hours driving distance? </p>
<p>Only child, single mother(father died when 7), Michigan resident. Surrounded by family in Michigan. </p>
<p>Please don't let the thread get to far off topic.</p>
<p>It would help to know what your mother’s objections are. </p>
<p>If it’s out of the budget to fly you back and forth/make long car trips, then that may be the end of it</p>
<p>If the issue is your mother’s comfort level, then perhaps introduce the topic and let her have a few months to think about it before bringing it up again.</p>
<p>Well in two weeks we are hitting colleges while I have a break off of my summer courses and she set her foot down today after trying to dissuade me after hearing me talk about Alabama(potential Racism) and Minnesota(Too cold). This is the only time I will be able to go on a large “tour” and I would prefer to not to hit colleges I could do myself in a day and have already seen. </p>
<p>I think it’s a matter of comfort and she fears I won’t come back to Michigan after college.</p>
<p>As a first time college parent, I too started off by giving my son a 4 hour drive maximum. He and I took a road trip and I soon realized that none of those schools were a good fit for him. Then I switched to schools that could be reached easily by air. We ended up with a 6 hour drive, but easily accessible by bus, train and plane.</p>
<p>Chances are she is going to miss you terribly and only having you 3 or 4 hours away might give her hope that you will come home for holidays.</p>
<p>Put together a worksheet that highlights the pros and cons of the colleges both you and she are considering. Maybe once she sees the facts, she will ease up on her restrictions.</p>
<p>Try this simple approach:</p>
<p>Explain to your mother that you must gradually become an independent, responsible human being. You must be given the chance to demonstrate you are capable of taking care of yourself in her absence. Your mother will pass away at some point therefore the sooner you are able to live as an independent, responsible person, the much better it is for both.</p>
<p>I think it is easier to convince her what you like about a college that is far away (specific program, cost, merit aid), it would be easier for her to take. Try to find information in the school literature (or on CC) that can either enhance your argument or refute hers. Above all, stress that just because you want to see colleges that are far away on this tour, it doesn’t mean that they will be a good fit for you. If you are limited to visiting colleges close to home, get a good feel for what you like, then apply to schools in other regions that have a similar “fit”. Who knows, you may be able to change her mind by the time that final commitment day comes around.
P.S. I find it a little funny that someone from Michigan thinks that Minnesota is too cold!</p>
<p>This sounds to me like she is afraid of losing you… She lost your father. She’s raised you as a single parent. It is obvious she loves you a great deal. I don’t think this has anything to do with being a helicopter parent. This was a quote I used in my daughter’s senior send off “It seems like only yesterday you were clinging to my hand afraid to let go. Now I’m the one clinging to you afraid to let go, but let go I will. I can’t wait to watch you follow your dreams.” I think you need to talk to her honestly about the fact that going to college, no matter how far away, does not mean she will lose you. Tell her you love her and that this is a brand new chapter in your life that you want her to be a part of. Ask for her love and support as you start to search for the perfect place to begin your adult life. I can’t imagine any loving mother refusing you this if it is presented in such a way.</p>
<p>I would start off with a list of the colleges that match the size, cost range, and academics you are looking for. Include both in state and out of state. See if you can make a strong case for out of state schools on the basis of academics and cost (merit aid?). Discuss how and when you can travel back to see your mom or how she can travel to see you. Remember, travel costs $$$$$.</p>
<p>ETA: Parents usually want to see a plan in place rather than just a knee jerk response of “getting away.”</p>
<p>As some others have said here, I’d recommend a solid, specific written plan of why some certain far away college best suits you. A very general- “but I want to grow up” or “but I want to go” won’t get it. That is a juvenile argument and will certainly not convince a parent you are adult enough to make a reasonable, rational decision.
Have papers and documentation ready like GT has described. Anticipate concerns your parent will express and have sound answers ready in response. Be prepared.</p>
<p>Are there any Canadian schools within that 3 or 4 hour distance that might interest you? This might suit her criteria while also helping you to feel like you have gotten away.
I agree with momfirst3. Your mom has suffered a major loss, which must have been devastating. Acknowledging her legitimate emotions might help.
On the other hand, if the reasons are financial, that is another story.
My own daughter chose to go to school 3 hours away. My friends whose kids were farther were so jealous of me because I could just pick up and visit her for the day, or she could easily take the bus home, but there was no way to fly home. One time, when she wanted to come home for a funeral, there was a huge ice storm and buses were not running - for days. She was stuck! If she had been in a place where she could have flown home, she would have been able to come home. My son, on the other hand, went to school six hours away but accessible by a budget airline (often the same price as the bus). While it was a little more complicated to drive the whole family to him, he could easily fly home. I noticed that certain schools have become much more popular in our area after a budget airline started service. If there is a budget airline in your area, you could look into this. Good luck!</p>
<p>Even if you study in Michigan, there is no guarantee that you will make your career and your life there. You need to express to her very clearly, in words and in actions the following information:</p>
<p>“You are the best mom ever. No matter where life leads me, you will always be part of my life, and no matter where I live, you will always be welcome in my home.”</p>
<p>First, cost can be a legitimate obstacle. If you end up with financial aid, sometimes that will also cover air fare to and from home.</p>
<p>Second, your mother is single, and you are the only child. College promises a huge change for you, but also for her. Our guidance counselor always tells parents, “Once your child goes, home will never be the same for him/her.” So, for those who say the mother won’t lose you, I disagree: the relationship will be forever altered. This is true whether you go to school one hour away, or ten.</p>
<p>Does your mother work, have friends, have ties to the community? I think that one thing that might help is for your mother to work on her own life, bolstering connections that do not involve you, so that she is better able to let you go.</p>
<p>Most of us parents spend a couple of years getting ready for this transition. As an example, my cousin, who is also a single mom with one child, a son, joined a peace group, went back to school to get a Master’s and got a new job, all in the 3 years before her son went. She has also taken in a roommate who is compatible, and has started a relationship with a man she met at one of her internships. </p>
<p>She was very lonely when her son left (he is in a school 3,000 miles away!), and very anxious about him (drinking, etc.) but now that he is half-way through, she is much better, he has proven himself, and they are having a comfortable summer together while he works locally, and she also goes to a job she likes.</p>
<p>Finally, maybe show your mom how to use Skype!!</p>
<p>Considering the state of the economy in Michigan right now, it might be wise to think about finding a job outside of the state. </p>
<p>My S is going to be a senior in college this year. He is not going to limit his search to Michigan (we live here) as he feels his job opportunities will be better if he is willing to look outside the state. I will be very surprised if he stays here. </p>
<p>I do find and I don’t know if this is true of other states but many Michigander’s tend to want to stay in the state. Most kids do pick a school in the state. My nephew was a HS senior, after looking out of state decided he didn’t want to go so far away and is staying in state. I just talked to someone who is transplanted here and commented that it is hard for kids to look out of state. Michigan has some really great schools.</p>
<p>I don’t know where you live in Michigan but Ohio also has some really nice schools and maybe your mother would be ok with that. It’s hard for her, as others have stated it’s hard for her to think of letting go.</p>
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<p>Focusing the conversation on your mother’s eventual death is likely to be counterproductive. She may be sensitive about this topic, especially since she lost a husband at an early age. </p>
<p>Moreover, there is no reason why attending college fairly close to home would negatively impact your development of independence. My husband attended a college an hour and a half from home. I attended one six hours from home. He is not less independent and responsible than I am. I think that for both of us, the key factors in the development of independence and responsibility were that we went away to college rather than commuting and that we did not move back into our parents’ homes after graduation. </p>
<p>Your mother is not trying to force you to commute to college. She’s not even trying to force you to go to a college close enough so that she could visit you easily. I think that when you get to college – even if it is 3 or 4 hours from home – you will find that you have plenty of “space.” The important question is whether there are colleges that offer what you want and need, in terms of academics and selectivity level, within the radius that your mother has specified. If there are, maybe you don’t have a problem.</p>
<p>all great posts above; OP needs to determine, as it has been said, what the reason for the 3-4 hour driving distance:</p>
<p>1) financial considerations (would be my first concern)
2) maybe Mom doesn’t like to travel by air (or by a long car ride)
3) we on CC do not know what support system is available</p>
<p>So many considerations not explained…</p>
<p>if #1 is the main issue, the only discussion that should occur is the option of attending a less expensive school that may be further; would allow for more visits home than a more expensive school closer…if the further school is more expensive, this will be a more difficult “argument”…</p>
<p>I still stand by my comment that she won’t lose you. By that I mean that you will always be her son/daughter no matter where you attend college or live. Of course your relationship will be altered, but that happens no matter where you go to school. The process of letting go is difficult for many parents, but I think especially so for those who are single parents. You just need to help her understand that you are both embarking on a new phase of your lives. There is a lot of fun stuff that comes with your kids getting older. Hopefully you can help her focus on this and not the fact that you won’t be little and dependent any longer.</p>
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<p>Aw, they’re so cute when they’re young. I wish I could take a picture right now.</p>
<p>Hahaha… Me too. My youngest is graduating in a few days. I will need big dark glasses for this ceremony!</p>
<p>OP: if you can get direct flights to certain schools, the travel time by flying can be = or < 4 hours. That being said, my DH was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea that he couldn’t get to our D within a few hours “if something happened.” And if cost is an issue then flying home would probably be a financial burden.</p>
<p>any places outside of Michigan where close family or friends live? Sometimes if parents know that someone they trust can get to their kid if needed makes a school farther away more palatable.</p>
<p>Detroit to Minneapolis is just an hour plane ride. Minnesota schools would be great. LACs would offer financial aid if needed.</p>