Quiet, reticient personality

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>My fellow cc hs students,</p>

<p>Do any of you possess the 'reserved' personality, or have had it? I am so unwilling to talk voluntarily in or outside of class, and I can't seem to change it. </p>

<p>I think it's because whenever I open my mouth I fear I'll say something stupid. I trace my fear back to when I first came to Canada from Korea; in hopes of overcoming the language barrier I'd raise my hand and tried to answer the teacher's question only to get them wrong. Ever since Grade 2 I've almost never contributed to class discussions willingly. </p>

<p>But as college life drew nearer, I've acknowledged standing out and participating in class is critical. But I can't seem to overcome it. Now, I do not fear of getting the questions wrong but mostly that people will think I am boa****l, or showy -- because that's my impression towards people who participate. I know deep inside they are just making the best out of their education but some people don't know this... and I'm a very self-concious person.</p>

<p>Well, that's my pathetic personal conflict. Does/did anyone suffer from this as well? Any tips from confident, self-assured students?</p>

2

<p>haha...how about a better profanity filter system which detects vulgar acronyms when they are outside of a legitimate English word...</p>

<p>boas.t.f.ul</p>

3

<p>I think many of us & our kids have had trouble overcoming this conflict. For my kids, it has helped them to attend the private school they are at. The classes are very small (maximum is often 20, many classes have 10-15 kids). The students are EXPECTED to participate and it is part of their grade. In fact, they have to make presentations to the rest of the class to explain things to their classmates.
I hope that this has helped them overcome the conflict and believe it has because all the report cards I receive indicate that their contributions are valued in class.
For me, I decided that I was in school to better myself and stopped thinking or worrying about what other people felt or thought (easier said than done). I tried to ask clarifying questions that built on what the teacher had been discussing and particpate when appropriate. I did not find that folks "shunned" me or accused me of being boa****l or showy. I also found that when I sat nearer the front of the room and teacher, it helped me focus on the teacher & discussion (I always would get sleepy if I sat in the back of class, especially in large lecture rooms).
Good luck!
HImom</p>

4

<p>Try debating, model UN, umm yeah..? Start with suggesting ideas in your clubs, like, "hey what about if we do this carwash thing to fundraise for our sADD club and what about getting our things to do that"
Start off in a small group of students you are not familiar with.
Then, in classrooms, answer those questions with one-word answers like "green".. Doesn't really matter if you get it wrong, the teacher will probably just say, "no it's pink. ok so after this, we are going to talk about............" So students will probably forget about your incorrect answer in 1 sec.</p>

<p>There is this girl who sits 2 away from me in English clas and all she does is raise her hand up and smile and talk about boring english stuff.. she does come off as showy offy, annoying bi atch.. But there are these guys who participate in class moderately and I think they are awesome because they answer most of the questions therefore, the teacher hardly picks on me.</p>

<p>Then start answering questions where the answer is to be a 1-sentence thing, "i think the justice is wrong because of the computers".</p>

<p>Slowly, progress onto longer sentences and things.</p>

<p>Try to join clubs where you are expected to speak a bit - debate, modelUN, try to be a leader of a group, etc..</p>

5

<p>Believe it or not, most people in this country describe themselves as shy, so you are not alone.</p>

<p>There is a great website, shyness.com, that provides helpful tips.</p>

<p>Basically, the best way to get over shyness is to force yourself outside of your comfort zone. Get involved, for instance, in an activity related to something that you're interested in. You'll meet like minded people.</p>

<p>Also do volunteer work, including things like tutoring younger kids or helping more recent immigrants adjust. Being useful, helping others can boost your confidence and give you lots of practice relating to others.</p>

<p>The worst thing that you can do is to keep avoiding getting involved with activities with other people. You won't develop skills this way.</p>

<p>By doing things with others, you'll develop skills and confidence. Sure, you'll make mistakes; Everyone does that when learning something new. Those mistakes, though, will lead to progress.</p>

<p>I used to be shy, so speak from experience.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

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<p>Anything more? I am exactly like this--like everything you described!</p>

7

<p>thanks for all your advices</p>

<p>yes, I hope to be a lot more involved this year (my junior year). i've done some volunteering over this summer at a local park, but i don't feel anymore confident. maybe after a couple more volunteering? i also was a school tutor last year, but there were more tutors than there were students...so mostly i was doing my homework.</p>

<p>today my school started, and i'm part of the mentorship program -- which is designed to help freshmen get accustomed to high school. a lot of the mentors approached the students just began casually chatting. i merely stood around and answered questions when asked and provided assistance when needed. </p>

<p>as for model un and debate clubs... i'm intimidated that i'll just bring them down. while i care for my personal gains and benefits i strongly dislike being the weakest link, because as i mentioned before i am very self concious. there are very eloquent speakers in our school and i doubt i can be half as good as they are.</p>

<p>Knavish, that's encouraging to hear. let's overcome this flaw together.</p>

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<p>Is there a Toastmaster's group near you? That's a very supportive public speaking organization. Lots of people use it to overcome shyness. They teach you how to make speeches, you start out with very short, easy ones, and no matter how you do, people smile and applaud.</p>

<p>Sometimes there are groups for teens. Other times, teens are welcome in groups mainly with adults. Toastmasters tend to be very friendly since even the most vocal members remember what it was like to be afraid to speak in public.</p>

<p>Also look for some self help books. "How to Make Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is a wonderful classic. There's also a great book called "How to Make Small Talk," that you might find through a used book vendor like Amazon's.</p>

<p>As you work your way out of shyness, please know that most people, particularly teens are self conscious. This is even true of the most gregarious, confident appearing teens. Adolescence is a time of rapid change, and few people during this stage in their lives feel comfortable and confident about themselves.</p>

<p>Congratulate yourself on any steps that you take. It's a major step to be able to go to a meeting. It's a big deal to volunteer to mentor or tutor even if you don't get to do very much at first.</p>

<p>My S, a h.s. senior, used to be extremely shy -- as shy as I was when I was young. When he started h.s., he joined a volunteer organization and was so shy that when the advisor offered him a minor leadership role, he turned it down. He enjoyed, however helping others, and step by step, he came out of his shyness so much that last year, he was VP and this year is the president, and seems to be comfortable in that role.</p>

<p>One last thing: People in general like shy people better than they like loud, gregarious people. Shy people are perceived as nice, as good listeners, as good potential friends. Most people would prefer to be around a person who listens to them and seems interested in them than to be around a person who talks and talks and talks, but doesn't pay much notice of whom they are talking to.</p>

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<p>I used to be a lot more quiet than I am now, though I still lean towards shyness now and then. What helped me most is just putting myself out there. I know everyone says it, and it's a lot easier said than done, but the more you speak publicly the easier it becomes. It also helps if you try to speak up more in the situations where you're most comfortable and then start to branch out to places you feel more vulnerable. And as for appearing showy, it all depends on the way you do it. If your hand shoots up and you wave it around and go "mememememeiknowit!!!!" and smirk after you get the answer right, yes, that's showy. If you don't raise your hand for EVERY SINGLE question, or make a big deal about it, chances are most others won't either. And if they do, they're just jealous ;)</p>

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<p>Northstarmom, thank you very much esp. for that last bit. you've brought up the positive points of what i used to perceive as a definite weakness. i hope to achieve something between the extreme introverted and the extreme sociable...or is it one or the other?</p>

<p>applejacksoup, you are absolutely right. there's a fine line between showy people and those who are not. thanks for the advice.</p>

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<p>Toastmasters is really good. I went there couple of times with my friend (i hate HATE public speaking). It was quite weird because nearly all of them were adults - mainly buisnessmen, learning to present their ideas efficiently.
But they are really friendly!</p>

12

<p>"i hope to achieve something between the extreme introverted and the extreme sociable...or is it one or the other?"</p>

<p>There's a nice middle ground that with practice you should be able to achieve. I've gone from being painfully shy, self conscious and socially awkward to being able to socialize at parties (though I'll never be the life of a party nor do I have any desire to be), make small talk, do public speaking (happily and for pay!) host (unwild) parties, etc. I know myself well enough that I have no desire to hang out at parties where people dance (I am an awful dancer and feel awkward trying to dance in public), get loud and drunk (hate that stuff), etc. </p>

<p>I love, though, socializing with small groups of nice friends and talking about subjects that I care about. I have no desire to be the type of person who dances on tables and says witty things while loud and drunk, and I can totally avoid such situations.</p>

<p>S has gone from being a little kid who hid behind me when people approached to being a h.s. senior who can run meetings, host guests, and go to camps and similar programs where he doesn't know other people. He is basically a thoughtful, nice, quiet person who has learned some skills that help him let his light shine, including shining to help other people.</p>

<p>He still has some trouble with small talk, and tends to observe for a while -- not jump right in -- when entering a new situation. Frankly, though, most people have trouble with new situations and small talk, and I'll bet that as he gets older, he'll realize that it's fairly easy to join new groups: Just look for the many people who are even shyer than oneself, and go up and start any kind of conversation with them. They will be grateful, and one will have made a new acquaintance.</p>

<p>That's something to keep in mind when one is in a situation in which one has a little status. An example is if one is a volunteer or is a mentor. You may be shy and feel awkward, but the people who are there to get services probably feel even more awkward and are hoping that you'll approach them. Anything you say ("Hi, my name is....What's your name?" "I'm a new mentor, and I wasn't sure what to expect. What have you heard about this?" "This is my first time doing this. I got involved because of xxxx. How'd you hear about this?" ) will be a welcome relief even if what you say is a little cliched or corny.</p>