Raising Expectations looking for the Perfect College

<p>D # 2 is back in Cortland and I am delighted to say she is adjusting well and is happy with her choice. But during the Thanksgiving Break, we talked about some of her friends who are not having quite the same positive experience as she's having. These are kids who have been away from home before, and who were really looking forward to going to such schools as U Del, Goucher, and other places. D says she knows a bunch of her HS friends who are not really happy with their schools and are considering transferring closer to home.
Can't figure out if this is normal first semester jitters- or have we put too much emphasis on finding the "perfect" school so if it hasn't met this high expectation, the kids are disappointed with their choice??
Just curious if others had a similar experience.</p>

<p>We did not have distance from home on our radar screen as a criteria when doing school selections. I left home at 17 for the military and never went back. S has traveled extensively overseas and throughout the US with soccer team and had no qualms about "leaving" home. It was expected. </p>

<p>With that said, one of the qualities we and he love most about his school is the fact that it is only an hour from home. Dropping him off for move-in was a breeze. Going back the following day for everything he forgot was just as easy. Seeing him at home football games, parents' week-end as a day trip (no worries about hotel rooms), and coming home for his little brother's homecoming football game have all made this semester a total delight for the whole family. As a result of this experience, we have rethought the distance issue for S2, who will factor in an out of state college as a definite negative that will need a bunch of positives to overcome as opposed to an unthought of neutral.</p>

<p>I'm jealous, TheAnalyst! I would love for D to pick a school close to home, but she thinks she wants far away. I am afraid of exactly what marny writes of: D's too idealistic about what she thinks a school will be for her, and she'll be too far away when reality sets in. Don't know what I can do about it. She may have to learn the hard way. Or better yet, maybe I'll learn the hard way -- and she'll be right!</p>

<p>Our son wants farther away too. We've visited campuses near and far and will trust him to pick, but be there if he needs support or a change.</p>

<p>marny, Perhaps it is not distance, but other things that the others may not even care to verbalize to others. Unhappiness might be because of roommate conflicts, lack of privacy within the dorm, lack of friends, clicks, scoring poorly on midterms/tests, not knowing where to turn for guidance/assistance, discomfort with the weekend partying, disliking the food options, etc.</p>

<p>NE- I agree. There could be many reasons including missing boyfriend or not used to having a roommate. But d felt that alot of kids she knows feels this way. I think she was a bit surprised by it.<br>
Again Thanksgiving vacation is generally 2 to 3 weeks before Finals so maybe the "fear" of first semester finals was kicking in too-
Just wondered if others had similar experiences.</p>

<p>My son's friends seem to all be very happy with their college choices.</p>

<p>I've noticed that there are groups of kids at D's high school who have stuck together since elementary school. They cling together. Doesn't bother my D, as she has a big assortment of friends and always has parties, events to attend on weekends, etc. These kids just sit at one another's homes for the most part (includes boys and girls.....and parent's are always around). Almost like they live in some kind of bubble. There are about 25 of them or so.</p>

<p>I wonder how these kids will adjust? I wonder if those are the ones who can't quite adjust....because they've never had to stand up on their own two feet in the past. I'm hoping that since my D was the opposite, very open to new people, new experiences, that she will be one of those who can venture out in college. </p>

<p>I guess time will tell.</p>

<p>Binx, nice to see your name again. My D went far away and she was like Momwithquestions D - open to new people, had traveled, etc. She found the adjustment to be more perhaps than she thought it would be. I think she thought "Boy, will I be glad to shake the dust of this 2-horse town off my feet!" - but then was glad to get home to the familiar. She loves her school even more now (as a soph) than she did last year at this time. I think she recognizes some of the advantages to being closer to home, and that some of the adjustment issues that she struggled with, would have still been an issue at a school close to home. Standing on your own 2 feet, day after day, close or far away is a BIG deal - wherever you have to do it.</p>

<p>Maybe it's because they're boys (less fussy maybe?) but my son's friends all seem to have made very good adjustments to their schools. They are all sophomores this year, and as far as I know they all went back to their schools and were happy to do so. Sometimes Thanksgiving is a "low point" for freshmen. I bet your D's friends will be singing different tunes come Christmas.</p>

<p>At least with my daughter's friends, distance has nothing to do with happiness with school choice. Her friends that are not entirely satisfied are about 2,000 miles closer to home than she is. Believe me, it is entirely possible to be disatisfied with your college choice close to home too. :) </p>

<p>I think the larger, more important issue, is that many kids (and perhaps some parents) seem to think that there is such a thing as a "perfect college." There is no such thing. Even a school where you are pretty darn happy most of the time will have some warts and things you don't like from time to time. Kids who expect "perfect" however, are often sorely disappointed out of proportion when the bumps come along. And, some kids are also still clinging to the "perfect" school that maybe got away -- that makes adjusting even harder. </p>

<p>Best gift for future college students is to make sure they know that there will always be good days and bad days (and sometimes even good years and bad years) and assure them that they can handle both -- it's just part of life, whether it be college, marriage, or career. </p>

<p>Before my daughter left, my husband and I made sure she understood that things weren't going to be "perfect" all the time. We kind of played out different scenarios with her and talked about how she might react if certain situations occurred. We also assured her that we had EVERY confidence that she was ready to deal with both the good times and the bad. So far, she's faced some major bumps, but she's been able to get through them and keep them in perspective. I think that's important whether you're half an hour from home, or on the other side of the world.</p>

<p>I think that part of the problem for a lot of kids is the way our culture makes such a HUGE deal out of selecting, getting into, and going to college. Looking forward towards college has become the major focus of many kids' high school years. That's a lot of emotional buggage to be taking into what is already a major life adjustment. It's a wonder that so many freshmen actually turn out to love their schools and to be very happy.</p>

<p>Even 30 years ago, I knew people who transferred closer to home after being disappointed with the college where they spent their freshman year. I think the idea was that if you're going to be less than thrilled with college, you may as well do it in a more convenient location.</p>

<p>There are advantages to going to college close to home. My son is at a university less than an hour away from home, and he has as much independence as he would have if he were at a more distant school, but with a lot more convenience. He likes being able to transport stuff from home to college and back easily, he has the advantage of being able to see the same doctors year-round, and when unexpected problems come up, they can be dealt with efficiently. I wish his younger sister, who is applying to colleges now, would choose an equally convenient school, but unfortunately her first choice college is a six-hour drive from home.</p>

<p>
[quote]
As a result of this experience, we have rethought the distance issue for S2, who will factor in an out of state college as a definite negative that will need a bunch of positives to overcome as opposed to an unthought of neutral.

[/quote]
And that's why there are thirty-one flavors at the Baskin-Robbins. LOL. Our two horse town is still in shock that D is not balling her eyes out wanting to come home from 10 hours away. There is a near constant refrain that "I couldn't stand that. How do you survive ? " that she gets on Facebook and I get at the local zippy mart. It's just not done around here, and certainly not by the girls. </p>

<p>D knew she wanted to be with students from all over the country and no Texas school except Rice has any significant geographic diversity. She knew that she wanted to be far enough away that Texas was a bit of a novelty (I think that would be somewhere overseas. We appear to be everywhere in great numbers.)</p>

<p>Over Thanksgiving you could sense a certain envy on the part of some of her friends for D's new OOS experiences. Several younger girls have questioned her a lot on whether she thought they could go to an OOS school like D's and not to in-state college A or B or C. Maybe she'll be a trendsetter.</p>

<p>curm: Even in my mid-sized (very conservative) city I hear that refrain often: Why would he go so far away? Or, Why didn't he go to fill-in-the-blank with small, little-known local college?</p>

<p>Meanwhile my second child could very well end up at a college here in his hometown, and I find that sort of disappointing. I think it's good for kids to "try out" someplace new. I know there are BIG advantages to being close, but I don't know, I can't help but feel like he'll regret it. But, maybe not.</p>

<p>I think we as parents sometimes unwittingly fuel the fires of our kids' discontent. Our single-minded focus on helping them build a list of schools that “fit” can make them believe they’ll find one that’s a perfect fit. But no school is perfect. Not even one. They are, after all, attended by and run by humans, who are imperfect.</p>

<p>Weenie- I think it is good for kids to try out "something new", too; but I think going to college and living on campus IS new - even if it is only 20 minutes from home! And there are always internships, summer jobs, grad school, employment and love to push our kids farther away from the nest. My DS may end up close to home, and I think he will still grow a lot from the experience.</p>

<p>Over Thanksgiving you could sense a certain envy on the part of some of her friends for D's new OOS experiences. Several younger girls have questioned her a lot on whether she thought they could go to an OOS school like D's and not to in-state college A or B or C. Maybe she'll be a trendsetter.>></p>

<p>Curmudgeon, My daughter had a very similar experience over Thanksgiving. She is the farthest away of any of her group friends, and the only one who needs snow boots. Her friends were rather amazed and impressed when she regaled them with her adventures in a place they probably will never even visit. She's also one of only 5 kids in her graduating class of 355 who are pioneering Midwestern territory so she's a true rebel. But then, she's never followed the crowd. :)</p>

<p>To be honest, I think going far from home has been a plus for her simply because she can't come home when things get a bit uncomfortable -- she has to stay and work things out, take care of herself, find local doctors, make do with the dorm laundry facilities, and, after all, isn't that what growing up is all about?</p>

<p>Now, that's not to say that anyone else's kid shouldn't stay close to home, because there really is no one-size-fits all when it comes to college, but, at least for my daughter, I really don't think she'd have had the same type of experiences or grown so much in such a short time if she was an hour from home.</p>

<p>Yep, carolyn. That's about the way it went.</p>

<p>As to this issue of perfect I can just tell you what D said. "Dad, I'm never going to have that 'Eureka I found it! This is the one.' feeling because we have looked at so many schools I know that no one school is going to be perfect."</p>

<p>wjb- that is what a feared also. Is it this generations obsession with trying to make everything seem perfect?? It's certainly not just in the college hunt process either. Just reading today about MD's doing more plastic surgery-botox etc. as it is becoming way more profitable than providing medical treatment.<br>
I think our kids may be in for a rude awakening (and some of us too) when they realize that they may never find the perfect school-job-house-hubby etc!! Sometimes you just have to settle for things that are really OK.</p>