Ran away from home -- how to handle parents/teachers?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I got into an argument with my mother yesterday morning, and walked away from home. I wanted to go visit an out-of-state college, and she said she would disown me if I went at all. My father is retired and isn't feeling well; my mom is convinced he has cancer (though I am not). Anyway, she wants me to stay close by, so I can come back and "help out" and she could cook my meals for me, do my laundry, etc. I'm admittingly pretty useless at practical stuff like that. But the problem is, I don't think I could "help out" at all and want them to have less control over my life. </p>

<p>They are so overprotective; for example, I got my driving license last July and I have yet to drive anywhere alone. I feel pretty bored and angry with myself that I can't go anywhere without their permission. It's not like I have a bad group of friends; my friends are pretty boring/busy with their own lives and we don't have that many similar interests. My parents barely go anywhere except to shop; they just like sitting around at home. So I feel kind of lonely. Whenever I do go somewhere, my parents don't really question it. I don't think it's because they truly trust me, but because they don't really care. They never ask me about what exactly it was that I did, how I feel, or anything beyond the practical stuff like, "What do you want for dinner?"</p>

<p>I can't really talk to my parents. Not only can I not speak their language very well, they're also literally rather deaf AND have selective hearing.</p>

<p>School's stressful too. My workload's...manageable, but I'm not fond of most of my classes.</p>

<p>Anyway, I ended up going to a nearby college town, where I ate, watched a movie, laid on the college lawn. Then I finally called my parents in the late afternoon and asked me to pick me up.</p>

<p>I have never seen my parents cry at the same time before. They rarely cry at all. And all last night, they were sobbing.</p>

<p>I need some advice as to what to do next with my parents and teachers. I guess I could be more open with them and try to talk to them more, get some counseling. Unfortunately, I've tried that route before...</p>

<p>And how should I handle this with my counselor and teachers? They ALL already know, because the school office had to check if I showed up to any of my classes. They're probably sympathetic, but the idea of me running away from home is probably weird to them. I'm the quiet Asian girl who occasionally participates and makes sarcastic comments. I will need some college recommendations from them, and I don't know what this situation says about my character...probably not bad, but probably not that good either.</p>

<p>Er...thanks for reading all that. I feel a bit better having written all that out.</p>

2

<p>I’m sorry that your family situation has been so difficult, to the point that you would actually run away from home.</p>

<p>Is there any adult that you can trust and to whom you would feel comfortable talking?</p>

<p>Think hard about this. Consider your teachers, other adults at school, relatives, neighbors, former therapists/counselors, clergy, any adults with whom you’ve been in contact recently or even in the not-too-distant-past and you could trust and feel comfortable talking to.</p>

<p>Be aware that you can always reach an accepting, nonjudgmental listener at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).</p>

3

<p>Note the above. Also- HS student services these days often include social workers as well as academic guidance counselors, hopefully yours does. It sounds like you are at risk of being so close to finishing HS and not doing so unless you have help. Your running away is a loud cry for help, definitely try to get plugged into the HS services. Let them see what you wrote here (so you don’t have to repeat yourself) and ask for help dealing with your family. You are not the only one with problems. It is also important that the school’s student services/guidance office get involved so they can deal with your teachers for you- things like making up missed work, finding ways to better handle any boredom. The system is there for you- it is not at all wierd to have reacted as you did. It may initially shock some people when a conforming student does the unexpected but you will find teachers willing to pull for you and work on your success post HS. These professionals can talk to your parents about what is best for you- they have, over the years, seen your problems before. You are not alone- you have the backing of your HS, use them as a resource without embarrassment/shame or worry. Teachers go into the profession to make a difference in students’ lives, not just to teach the subject matter so I’m sure you can find at least one to mentor you. Sorry this isn’t the most eloquent post- want to let you know you will succeed, use the resources.</p>

4

<p>Birdhouse I can understand your frustrating . It sounds to me like a culture crash between you and your parents.
One of my Ds best friend is Chinese. Her parents do everything for her including driving her everywhere. They felt she couldn’t take care of herself if she went away to college. So they decided to let her go to any college she wants as long , as they can drive there. That’s a possibility you can talk to your parents about.
How come your mom thinks your dad has cancer ?. Did he see a doctor?
Your parents sound scarred to me . They might think they are loosing you. Communicate with them. They might be reluctant but you want to be at ease with them before you live for college.
By the way “a visit to a nearby college town” is not running away. I see it as a temporary escape.
Also not liking most of your classes is very common . Ask some of your peers.
Stay strong.</p>

5

<p>You can, of course, continue trying to talk to your parents about the fact that you need to be able to spread your wings so you can be a strong adult. Little steps, to show them nothing terrible will happen. For ex., will they let you drive to the store to pick up a quart of milk? Drive to church on Sunday? Think of it as training a puppy…you’re training them to let you go, a step at a time. Good Mommy, here’s a candy bar from the grocery store along with the milk I picked up for you…Good Daddy, I washed your car windows when I got home…
I know, it sounds ridicuous, but positive reinforcement will slowly get you what you want. Not as fast as you’d like, of course, but you will make progress.</p>

<p>Can you explain to them what the school you wanted to look at offers something that no other school nearby offers? Or are you just trying to get away? Is there a financial reason to go to school closer or further away? The more emotional you and your parents get when you have these conversations, the more awful it will be. </p>

<p>Same thing with your Dad’s illness…if it’s going to impact the family, then you’re entitled to know whether it’s a genuine problem that will impact your ability to attend college or not. My spouse has a terminal illness and two of our kids go to college more than 3 hours away (we also have a kid in high school who is a big help). Sure, I’d like to have the older kids closer to home and it would be a big help, but I also don’t want them to sacrifice this special time in their lives just to watch their parent deteriorate day by day. They are missing time with their parent, but we have told them that their future is more valuable. We wanted the best for them for the last 20 years, and it’s not going to change now. Of course, this means that we expect them to use their college time profitably and they had to pick those colleges for pretty d___n good reasons, since so many sacrifices and trade-offs were involved…</p>

<p>Running away and skipping school is a sign of extreme stress and unhappiness as you know, but it’s also not the most mature reaction to stress and unhappiness. If you’re trying to convince your parents to trust you, this was a step backwards. It’s not the end of the world though – sometimes it’s one step back to take two steps forward. Reach out to your guidance counselor, a teacher, another relative or someone who knows you and your family, and ask for help. If that person can’t help, don’t give up - find another adult to be your mentor and your advocate, to help you with these issues. You might offer to go to a local college for a year or two, with the agreement that you would transfer to the distant school. You might get them to look at the distant school with you, as long as your grades would be at a certain level. You could find a school between the two of them…you could find a book for them on the value of dorm life… one step at a time. iT WILL WORK OUT. You have a lot of company with kids who have family issues, as you probably know.</p>

6

<p>I think that calling this “ran away from home” is overstating it. Playing hooky or cutting school is more of an accurate description. You clearly needed a day without demands to think about things.</p>

<p>Okay, you thought about them, and you came home, and decided to work on resolving your problems. Good for you–it’s a great place to start.</p>

<p>You don’t say why your mother is worried about your father’s health, but I think you could reasonably ask your father to make sure his wife isn’t worried. (As in “Dad, you need to talk to Mom, she thinks you have cancer and it’s making her really upset.” Write it down if you have to. Get a translator or use [url=<a href=“http://www.babelfish.com%5Dbabelfish.com%5B/url”>http://www.babelfish.com]babelfish.com[/url</a>] to help if you need to.)</p>

<p>I also agree with the people who’ve said you should talk to an adult you trust–a teacher, or counselor, or friend’s mom. </p>

<p>Your parents’ hearing problems are isolating them, as well. It must be hard for them to have a conversation. My mother-in-law recently got a hearing aid and spoke of how it helped her re-enter the world. Can you help them get hearing aids? Can one of your friend’s parents? </p>

<p>What year are you in school? Have you applied for colleges? Are they close to home? Could you come home weekends for a bit but live at college most of the time, then gradually expand your college hours as your parents get used to you being gone?</p>

7

<p>Im getting the impression your the only child or the only one left at home. We have our youngest at home and in her senior yr of HS alot of what you said sounded very farmilar I have to say im one of those parents, we had her wait til 18 before she could drive its scary to let her go and its the same for your parents , this isnt a guilt trip but to let you know were they are in there life but like my daughter did and you did (left home) its time to let them know were your at in your life.</p>

<p>I know it maybe hard to tell them you want to move away or away in there eyes but your starting your life which means stepping away from the family enough to do what you need to do to support yourself.</p>

<p>Maybe they want you to be there to take care of them as they age and to a degree you should come around but to stay with them during college and after thats something your going to have to put your foot down with them about. show them you can be dependable but not taken advanage of, be there when you know they really need you but dont let them guilt you if they dont. keep contact if they keep it pleasent if the guilt game starts back off, they will see the pattern.The tears sounded like reality was hitting them knowing your going to be gone away to college soon, do what you feel is right for you but show them your still there.</p>

<p>See I want my daughter to go to school out west, she wants to attend Business School and shes fearful of the distance , so I will be letting go to myself and I have cried many times thinking about her being that far but im supporting her emotionally and im right by her side all the way.</p>

<p>Im sure you can work things out with your parents</p>

8

<p>Birdhouse, don’t be afraid to talk to your counselors. Believe it or not, they have probably had other students with similar feelings. Your feelings are actually similar to many other students, even though your family situation is unique. Many students experience the same feelings, manifested in different ways and different situations.
You show a maturity in being able to talk about what you are going through. Talk to a counselor. This is a first step.
Try to talk to your parents, and if your mother is hard to talk to, just try telling her you love her. This support may help her, as she seems to be having some real difficulties.
You will make it through, but don’t be afraid to ask for help.</p>

9

<p>There is probably a staff psychologist you can talk to at your school who is bound by patient confidentiality. He/she can help you figure out the best way to handle your problems. Step one: ask the guidance counselor for a referral to a mental health specialist who can see you at no charge. Lots of kids at my son’s HS were able to get counseling without parental consent or knowledge. They either went at lunch or were pulled out of class for short appointments.</p>

10

<p>Did you read ’ the overachiever" there this kid named AP Frank whose mom is crazy Asian. He did everything she demanded and went to Harvard but his younger brother fought back and won, she was much nicer in the end, but not that much.
That coulda been you, I am noy saying you are lucky but could have been worse.
Let’s face it, we Asians are crazy.</p>