Rate my college essay please?

College Essays
1

<p>Hey, so I'm a senior and I wrote my UIUC college essay draft. It's my 1st draft so I don't know if it's good or not. Please rate it on a scale of 1-10. Tell me what's good, what's bad, what I should change or remove and what I should keep or fix/enhance. Some tips or strategies would be appreciated. Also I overshot the 300 word limit by a 100. Is that okay or should I shorten to at least 320? Thanks!</p>

<p>Explain your interest in the major you selected. You may describe a related experience you’ve had to that area of study and/or your future career goals. Please limit your response to approximately 300 words.</p>

<pre><code> I vividly remember begging my parents for a K'NEX Value Tub a week before my 5th birthday. I had seen the commercials and they had appealed to my young, impressionable mind in a way nothing else ever had. However, convincing my worrisome parents to buy a K'NEX Tub filled with what they saw as choking hazards was a gargantuan task. My 5th birthday had come and gone before we had reached an unnecessary compromise: they would buy me the Tub and I promise not to swallow the pieces. To this day I have never swallowed even a single piece. My parents were proud. On the day we went to buy the Tub I was teeming with excitement. As soon as we got home I was filled with unbridled joy. Never before had I been so ecstatic on receiving a gift. Even then I realized there was something special about the K'NEX, something I could not explain at the time. Something my parents had seen but I could not. Looking back at this experience, I realize my proclivity for engineering had sprouted at a young age.
As the years went by the initial spark slowly grew into a flame that now burns through me and captures my attention wherever I go. Whenever I see a machine I immediately ask questions to myself. How does it work? Could I make that with parts at home? I love to fix things on my own. I once took apart my videogame controller to fix the buttons instead of buying a new one. I'm proud to say I succeeded. However, that's just my engineering side.

There is another side to me that I embrace and nourish. It is my passion for flying. When I had boarded a plane for the first time I had automatically said "I want to fly this". So strong is my love for planes that I plan to take flying lessons during college. I even attended an aeromodelling workshop where I built an RC plane. I realized then I could combine the best of both worlds in my career too. That is why I want be a test pilot. I will be able to fulfil my passion for both flying and engineering. It is my dream career.
Mechanical engineering opens the door to a plethora of bright, exciting oppurtunities and futures for me. All I have to do is walk through it.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Don’t post your essay directly like this, or it is likely that your might be stolen…!</p>

3

<p>5</p>

4

<ol>
<li><p>Listen to Phongtheha</p></li>
<li><p>I’d give it a 5 or 6. You definitely have the foundation for a really interesting and unique essay, but there are too many cliches (“spark” and “burning flame,” the incessant questions, “passion,” the seemingly automatic decisions to pursue engineering and lying, and the entirety of the final two sentences). You also spend too much of your essay describing your situation with the K’NEX, and not enough time explaining the development of your love for building and flying. You also need to write more about the Mechanical Engineering major itself and why it appeals to you (and specifically, UIUC’s program) </p></li>
<li><p>I say 320-330 max</p></li>
</ol>

5

<p>I’d wholeheartedly agree with the above. Lines such as " However, convincing my worrisome parents to buy a K’NEX Tub filled with what they saw as choking hazards was a gargantuan task. My 5th birthday had come and gone before we had reached an unnecessary compromise: they would buy me the Tub and I promise not to swallow the pieces. To this day I have never swallowed even a single piece. My parents were proud. "</p>

<p>could potentially be cut, although humorous, they are not completely necessary.</p>

6

<p>You can cut a lot of unnecessary words out, do you have to say Value tub? just say tub, they wont care if its a regular tub or an ordinary pne.</p>

7

<p>Agreed, it’s a seven or so. It’s very fun to read, but you really don’t have a lot of words to be wasting talking about how much you wanted the toy. Talk about the kind of things you wanted to build with the k’nex, how you felt when you played with it etc etc. How is your engineering degree going to help you do what you want? All of those are better use of your very limited allocated words.</p>

8

<p>Good essay, but the vocabulary and transitions seemed a bit forced. Such as, “However, that’s just my engineering side”. Try saying something like “My desire for mechanical engineering extends to my curiosity with flight” (Not exactly like that because it sounds a little cheesy, but you get the point.) Try not to say “however” too often either. Best of luck!</p>