Rate my ESSAY!

Test Preparation
1

<p>The Collegeboard's Official Online Study Guide WOULDN'T grade my essay (with their AI grading system). It said, "This essay appears to be off topic, written in a language other than English, inconsistent with the rules of English grammar, or is otherwise unfamiliar to the automated essay scoring service. You may submit another response."</p>

<p>So, I ask that College Confidential do it for me lol.</p>

<p>PROMPT: Something flawed is far more interesting than something perfect. Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life’s ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved.</p>

<p>Adapted from W. Somerset Maugham, The Summing Up</p>

<p>Is perfection something to be admired or sought after? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>The individual pursuit of perfection, with all of its agony included, is something that can be admired indeed. However, there are a myriad of other ways to pursue perfection in the most evil ways imaginable; these evil pursuits of perfection have one thing in common: a society, rather than an individual, backs them up. </p>

<p>Flash back thousands of years from now into the ancient Greek society of Spartacus, the belligerent city supposedly made up of "perfect" individuals whose only job is to both protect and aid Greece in its military endeavors. In Spartacus, the only breed of human allowed to live is the kind that is "perfect"; however, "perfect" is what is defined by the generations past. According to the city elders, a child who is born in this city has to be a certain height, be a certain weight, and even have a certain "look". Although a few of the infants in this magnificent city meet the impeccable standards of perfection, the great rest of the poor infants do not, and as a consequence, must be thrown to the wolves to the feed the giant, vicious beast that is societal-perfection. </p>

<p>Now flash forward thousands of years ahead to Hitler’s Nazi Germany during the infamous Holocaust. With Adolph Hitler's criteria on what "societal-perfection" is, he and the Nazi Army kill millions of people in their maddening pursuit to help form an eventual Utopia: a people possessing German blood, blonde hair, and blue eyes. </p>

<p>Now flash forward to the present, where we stand looking at this question of whether we should "admire" or "sought after" perfection with a new perspective. In viewing societies that had differing perceptions of perfection, we realize that the definition of “perfect” is in fact questionable in itself. What made Hitler's definition of "perfect", forgive me for saying, perfect? Who determined what made a Spartan "perfect", other than a Spartan himself? It is the undeniable truth that what is "perfect" lies in the eyes of who ever you ask. What I think is perfect is not necessarily what you think is perfect, or what Hitler thinks is perfect, or what a Spartan thinks is perfect. Thus, I feel that as long as a society does not pursue its close-minded vision of perfection as a whole, but instead each of us pursues what perfection means to us as an individual, we will remain all well and good; the consequences of choosing the alternative path, as history has pointed out, can be devastating.</p>

2

<p>It does seem off topic. You don't really address the "admire or sought after" until the end, and only by restating your thesis. The whole definitional thing doesn't seem to be very relevant. It seems you're trying to impress the reader with your knowledge of history rather than your ability to write an on topic coherent essay. Instead of basing everything on an example, mention something, then tie it back to the question because there's not much of that.</p>

<p>FAKEOUT</p>

3

<p>My answer was we should try to achieve perfection as individuals, but shouldn't as a group. How is that off the topic of, "Is perfection something to be admired or sought after?"</p>

<p>Also, is the prompt asking us rather we should </p>

<p>a.) admire perfection</p>

<p>or </p>

<p>b.) sought after it</p>

<p>(as two alternatives).</p>

<p>Or is it asking us if we should</p>

<p>a.) generally try to "admire and sought after perfection"</p>

<p>(as a yes or no statement)</p>

<p>I answered it like the latter, but after re-reading the prompt I'm starting to think maybe I answered the question wrong?</p>

4

<p>You are obviously a talented writer, but I don't know if the graders would be happy with such extreme examples. Of course, I don't have a great knowledge of the grading system, so I dont know exactly what they're looking for. Also, you kind of contradict yourself by saying the individual pursuit of perfection is a good thing and then saying that Hitler's pursuit was a bad thing.</p>

<p>I think answering it like the latter was definitely the right way to do it. If they were asking what you mentioned first, it probably would have said, "Is perfection something to be admired or is it something to be sought after?"</p>

<p>You only had a couple grammar mistakes, so you shouldn't be penalized for those.</p>

<p>I know for the ACT they want you to basically take one specific example and stick with it the whole essay, and you use three, but I don't know if the SAT is looking for the same thing. </p>

<p>Assuming that you wrote that in 25 minutes, you obviously have a load of talent, so I'd say just check an SAT review book to confirm exactly what they were looking for and you will easily get a 10-12 when you take the test.</p>

5

<p>wildcat tbh I spent about 27 minutes (about 2 minutes over the time limit) TYPING this (which makes it a LOT easier to correct grammar mistakes, proofread, and generally move at a faster pace). I appreciate your compliments, but am afraid it might be true my answer isn't as pertinent to the topic as I intended it to be (perhaps it is somewhat pertinent, but if there is any question then what's to prevent a grader from not seeing it's relevance and giving me a 0?).</p>

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<p>I seriously doubt you would get a zero for this eassy. I would guess you wouldn't get a 12 because you don't really take a clear stand on the issue I would guess maybe an 8 (out of 12) or maybe a 10. But what do I know?</p>

7

<p>Here's the hard part - dumb yourself down. Write a very simple, stupid essay, and don't try anything brilliant or creative. You'lljust end up shooting yourself in the foot. ;)</p>

8

<p>I tried that and I got a 7 in March lol =/</p>

9

<p>too many weak verbs. SHOCK AND AWE. Thats how to do great on essays. Also, get some certain grammar querks fixed</p>

10

<p>PoloniusMouth, give specifics please.</p>

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<p>Okay, i'm no english teacher but I can give some helpers:</p>

<p>1) None of that "there are" stuff. In fact, never use there are again in an essay. It only shows indecisiveness in language.</p>

<p>2) No "I believe" or "I think". Just say it straight out. It gives the essay a much more forceful appearance than an essay on what you believe. they ask you to state your views. you don't have to say, "okay, now this is what I REALLY believe". Its your essay. </p>

<p>3) FInal thing, if you're going to use metaphors and similes like the wolf representing perfect society, at least extend it. Don't just give a metaphor and never use it again. It gives the appearance of making the essay extremely stilted and makes you seem like you're just using a thesaurus and looking up a big word. Instead, when you're done with the spartans, refer back to the "wolf". Repeat the same imagery. </p>

<p>4) Don't give plot summary. You are being asked your views. Don't say a sentence like, "in the 1500s, people wore shoes". EXPLAIN the significance and how it relates to today's shoemakers or something. </p>

<p>Those are a few nitpicky details you can use to make it a whole heck of a lot better. :) Generally, I think its an okay essay. Your question doesn't always have to immediately start out with what you believe. They give you lots of leeway. Remember that this person is reading several hundred essays a day. You must make this one memorable. Make him remember this one. Uniqueness is key.</p>

<p>P.S. If you have any more questions, please feel free to post. I can always help out a person in need</p>

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<p>Thanks Polonius. I especially agree your point number one (that point is specifically stated in the collegeboard's study guide). I have one more question though: what score do you think that would recieve on the actual SAT?</p>

13

<p>isn't it rated out a score of 9?</p>

<p>i'd give u a 6 or a 7. they would probably give you a 7 or an 8.</p>

<p>I'm just glad to help you out. I've got free time, so I can always edit a few essays or something. :)</p>

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<p>It's rated out of 12. Two independent scorers give you a rating of 1-6, then they are combined.</p>

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<p>aah... then in that case i'd give u a 9 or a 10</p>

<p>they would probably give you the same. its really not bad. i'm just bieng picky</p>