Reactions to attending Yale

Colleges and Universities A-Z Yale University
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<p>Well, it's been a little over a month since my S made the decision to matriculate at Yale and I've found people's reactions to the news interesting, to say the least. We're in the midst of grad party season and the question of where he's going in the fall understandably comes up. When I do say, I'm usually met with frozen expressions and a variety of odd responses ranging from "You must be rich" to "Oh, wow" and a quick change of subject. I can't help but feel that if he had chosen to attend any of his other top options (MIT, Stanford, CMU-SCS) the reactions would be different -- more enthusiastic or supportive, perhaps. I find myself minimizing his choice--discussing crime statistics in New Haven, for example. It's weird.</p>

<p>Do/did any other Yale parents run into this same reaction and how do you deal with it? Perhaps it's a Midwest thing. At any rate, I've got a lot more parties to go to and could use a tip or two on how best to handle the inevitable question. (first world problem, I know, but still, it's awkward).</p>

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<p>It is a midwest thing for sure (I guess other places as well). The fact is there are few Ivy types out here. Say your S is going to OSU or UMich or UWisc and you get smiles and nods. Say Yale or Williams, you might as well as said he’s on the next Dragon capsule to the Space Station.</p>

<p>Replies to “You must be rich”: “I wish! Do you have any stock tips? We’re just happy that Yale is one of the most generous FinAid schools around.”</p>

<p>I just tell people I went to school in the East Coast. I heard a joke once: supposedly overheard on the Metro in DC. Guy asks another guy: “Where did you go to school?” “Boston” “Oh really, what house?” (guessing that he went to Harvard).</p>

<p>It’s something you and your family will deal with forever more. His grandkids will say “my grandfather went to Yale”. Everypublic introduction he’ll ever have from here on out: He went to Yale. It’s just that it’s so rare. Not that (hopefully) anyone thinks we Yalies are gods or anything – but we’re like an alien race to outsiders.</p>

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<p>Stanford, CMU and MIT are not free either. They all come with similar price tags. </p>

<p>There is absolutely no reason to minimize the value of Yale by badmouthing New Haven. </p>

<p>Oh WOW is what I would say too. Your son must be brilliant - may be. </p>

<p>You must be rich, no, not something anyone should say.</p>

<p>May be you should stop attending parties and relocate. :p</p>

4

<p>We’re in the West, and when asked where D1 attends/ed college, the reaction is usually a shocked look and a comment on how expensive it must be. </p>

<p>Now, with D2, I have a great comparison to tell everyone who thinks you have to be rich: that Y was cheaper than our state flagship public with their biggest merit scholarship.</p>

<p>T26E4, I like your story. I never offer where D1 went to college, I only say when asked. And even then I usually start out with “in Connecticut”.</p>

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<p>I think whenever anyone is asked a question and the answer is of a similiar vein - its always a challenge to answer graciously.
Answer- “thanks, we feel very fortunate/blessed that it worked out for him and he’s really excited about it”
I am the queen of modesty and down playing my accomplishments. It drives my H crazy.</p>

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<p>I remember my pre-orientation program (pre-FOOT) and we had a lively discussion on the question of what you say when you are asked where you go to college and how did the person react. This is something your student will have to deal with forever.</p>

<p>Despite my “advertising” my Yale connection with my name on this site (which I initially thought was pertinent background to my comments and now regret since I am sensitive to coming off as elitist on other forums), I also often say I went to (or my kid goes to) school in Connecticut. It just is not necessary to give more detail in a casual encounter and if pressed and asked which school, I hope my follow-up response shows more humility than immediately saying “Yale”.</p>

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<p>I actually got asked the cost question last night at a party. </p>

<p>I explained about the relatively recent FA initiative for ‘middle income’ families and the comparison I mentioned above. I wouldn’t normally go into such detail, but the parent I was talking to has a kid who is a rising jr in HS and was interested in college information.</p>

<p>It’s almost common knowledge here on CC, but I think that the majority of parents get very little helpful information about funding college from HS advisors.</p>

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<p>That’s the refrain I use. Other Yalies use it too. If I ever hear someone say this, I’d love to go up to him/her and say “I was in JE, what college were you?”</p>

<p>LOL</p>

9

<p>Ok, thanks all, I’ll try “Connecticut” as my answer the next time I’m asked. :stuck_out_tongue: It’s become pretty clear that there are stereotypes associated with the top Ivy schools (money, connections, elitism) that don’t hang so heavily on the more tech-oriented top-tier schools. </p>

<p>And like you, entomom, Yale is less expensive for us than UW Madison would have been and, in fact, than all his other options. While I realize the typical person who isn’t up to their necks in this process doesn’t know this, I don’t like the feeling that by uttering the word “Yale” I’m somehow being rude. It could make for a long four years!</p>

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<p>If the person asking the question is not very knowledgeable about this, I would sometimes take a calculated risk by answering: A small college called Morse College in the north east. So far, I have never failed to get the response I want. This is an advantage of living far away from the north east.</p>

<p>For somebody who is more familiar with college education (e.g., teacher, doctor, etc.), the answer “Connecticut” is almost the same as “Yale.” It may be safer to say “somewhere in the north east” if you really want to hide it.</p>

11

<p>“I don’t like the feeling that by uttering the word “Yale” I’m somehow being rude.”</p>

<p>The awkwardness, as you have ascertained, stems from many things – some innocuous, some not.</p>

<p>Some of it is simple stereotyping without any malice. Some isn’t – I’m aware enough to know that saying “Yale” can elicit insecurities, jealousies and bias & prejudice against who-knows-what. People are going to think what they want and say what they want. </p>

<p>I try to handle it with aplomb: “Yes, it was four wonderful years. Amazing resources and great friendships.” Do they think I was marching around campus with a red bandana? Or off yachting in Long Island sound on the weekends I wasn’t in Newport? Who knows? I don’t care. I usually push through all that by putting on the charm, and really engaging them on something about themselves or their interests – funny how that works. I don’t act like I’m playing the competing game. If strangers insist, that’s fine – I still opt out.</p>

12

<p>I have a good answer to “you must be rich.” I say: “I won’t be after we pay her tuition.”</p>

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<p>I employed the “Connecticut” technique when a resident in my neighborhood asked me where I was going. After I told her East Coast, she asked which state, and so I said Connecticut. Then she was like, “it’s not Yale, is it?” And then I had to tell her. Her reaction wasn’t the worst one I’ve seen and it turned out that her brother-in-law went there so she had good impressions.</p>

<p>The first time an outsider asked me, I just told him Yale, and he stared at me for 1 whole minute without saying a word. It was extremely awkward. There was actually an interesting article on NY Times about this–how Harvard students dread telling people where they go to school and how they just say “I went to school in Boston”. It seems a bit sad that after you worked so hard for 18 years and finally got into a good school, you have to hide it or feel ashamed when proded. Yet I totally understand–there is still a stigma about these schools and a lot of people still cling to those old stereotypes. </p>

<p>Anyhow, OP, you are definitely not alone!</p>

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<p>I have reservations about saying “in Connecticut”.</p>

<p>Usually when someone asks where you went to school, they expect the name of an institution. When you respond with a vague “in Connecticut”, you implicate that you’d rather not talk about it or, perhaps, that you’re not proud of where you go.</p>

<p>Moreover, often, even when I do reply with “in Connecticut”, my answer is met with further probing, i.e. “where in Connecticut?” or “which school?”, at which point it becomes extremely awkward to say “Yale”. I’m told that people perceive the vague “in Boston” or “in Connecticut” as more patronizing than simply replying with “Yale”, even though your intent is just the opposite. It seems to them like you assume you’re better, so you take it upon yourself not to make them feel bad. Of course, they don’t quite understand that it’s a lose-lose on our part, but I find that simply replying straight up is better. Nothing to be ashamed of; they asked a question, you answered.</p>

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<p>I’m not saying that “Connecticut” reflexively comes out of my mouth – I guage the conversation accordingly. If it’s obvious small-talk or a segue or a minor point of info in a larger conversation and precision isn’t needed, I say “Connecticut”.</p>

<p>No way am I ashamed of my Eli roots – but often I’m around people who don’t even have HS degrees. Their knowledge of my Yale background needlessly imparts separation, I’ve found.</p>

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<p>Jeez. Maybe you guys are over-thinking this? People make assumptions, and when their assumptions are naive/incorrect/insulting/ whatever, one may decide to spend some time correcting those impressions. Or not, depending.</p>

<p>I have 3 kids, one at Yale, one just graduated McGill, and one is about to matriculate at Oberlin. We live in a part of the country where most people have never heard of Oberlin or McGill (really), including many upper-middle-class doctor/lawyer types. (I’m not above a spot of over-broad generalizing myself. But I really have run into quite a few of these, and many of my daughter’s high-school teachers in an IB program know nothing about these schools.) </p>

<p>Assumptions people commonly make:</p>

<p>The one at Yale got in only because her father is a Yale alum.
The one going to Oberlin must have flunked some classes, or could have gone to Yale but decided not to for flip reasons, or must be totally defective in some way. Anybody going to a school with student pop smaller than ~30,000 and no football scene is probably dealing with serious emotional issues - or might be on Autism spectrum.
The one at McGill - must be too stupid to have gotten in to State Flagship. </p>

<p>There is just about no end to the assumptions people make about academic situations/decisions that are outside the mainstream (and from this part of the worlk, attending McGill or Oberlin is about as outside the mainstream as attending Yale.) </p>

<p>I say, just deal with it. If people ask where your kid is going, tell them the truth. If they clearly are making assumptions based on that answer, and your relationship with them is such that it matters to you, than spend the time to let them know more about your kid/the college application process/whatever.</p>

<p>It <em>IS</em> condescending to say “Connecticut”…it implies (to me) that you think Yale is such a stellar, other-worldly mark of excellence and achievement beyond the ken of normal folk that they’ll just be overwhelmed by envy, or awe, and you want to spare them that because you’re just such a sensitive person.</p>

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<p>Is it condescending? I hadn’t thought of it like that. My oldest daughter made the varsity team at her HS as a freshmen. I run into other parents of girls in the same sport and they ask if she was on the Freshman or JV squad. I say “varsity” – and there’s an awkward silence.</p>

<p>This is what I hope to avoid when I deflect the subject of my alma mater in most conversational circumstances. Again, read the OP’s situation. </p>

<p>I can understand why you say the truth and let the chips fall where they may. </p>

<p>However, in most of my professional and social circles, it would bring needless tension and awkwardness. In my years of NFP work, the connectivity that peers and clients and customers have with me is paramount. For whatever reason, I’ve found those who know of my Ivy pedigree to be an initial awkward and unwanted reaction. I’m not trying to spare them of “awe” or “envy”. I just don’t want to treat me differently than before – which I’ve had happen numerous times.</p>

<p>“Look, when I said ‘Yale’, I didn’t mean it to be the conversation ender!”</p>

<p>This reminds me of that controversy a few mos back when an Englishwoman wrote the news article about the many ways she had been mistreated for being so attractive. And the firestorm that followed – mostly along the vein of “who does she think she is?” or “she’s not that pretty”. All she was recounting were actual life events.</p>

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<p>There’s no such thing as “all she was recounting were actual life events”.<br>
That woman with the problem of being too pretty was recounting her take on those events, her version, complete with indicators of what she found virtuous, true, admirable and important, indicators of how seriously she takes herself, how much empathy she has for people around her, how observant she is, how sophisticated her thinking is, etc. etc. Just like all the rest of us, the way she writes her “actual life events” says a lot about her. Personally, I thought her article could have won a prize for “Biggest Tool of the Decade”. </p>

<p>The cure for other people’s assumptions is to give your response some context. For example, when you reply (or replied) that your daughter was on the Varsity team in her freshman year of high-school, you could add “…and we don’t know where she gets it from - you have never seen more unathletic parents!” OR, “…and a good thing she did! we’re a very competitive family and she knew she’d better try her hardest to keep up!” OR, “…she knows she was very fortunate to have played better than her usual at tryouts, and intends to work very hard to come up to the standards of the Varsity team.” OR… you get the idea. </p>

<p>Similarly, in response to dumbstruck wonder at the dropped fact of your association with Yale, there are so many possible responses that are NOT condescending. In general, the tone I go for is that Yale is glorious and wonderful, as are many other schools and other experiences. Yale and the other Ivies are not as different from a lot of excellent schools as some think; we are lucky to live in a country with an abundance of excellent schools that suit a wide variety of personalities and intellects (and pocketbooks).
Although you would think I know what I’m talking about (one of my kids passed on a ‘lesser Ivy’ to choose Oberlin; the one at McGill passed on a couple of choices many people consider more prestigious, and the one at Yale carried on for weeks about giving up her other dream school (as it happens, Oberlin) I know some people are cynical and will never believe I mean it - I can’t change that. </p>

<p>I guess I think it’s important to deal with those fallen chips - I don’t think Yale and the Ivies should be idolized and idealized to the extent they are; may I just point you to all the CC threads that are a variation of “I’m in 7th grade and will just die if I don’t get in to Harvard. What should I do to make sure that happens?” Possibly, every time someone replies with “Boston” or “Connecticut” to the where-did-you-go-to-College question, they add a teeny tiny measure of inflated importance to an issue that is really in great need of a more grounded approach.</p>

<p>I don’t say that this is all done consciously for snobbish reasons - I get from the discussion on this thread that many people don’t see themselves as adding fuel to the elitism fire by evading direct response to the question. I just wanted to point out that the implications of that evasion might not be what you think they are.</p>

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<p>Word.</p>

<p>Just answer the question honestly and without drama.</p>

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<p>This. It’s not a rote answer, it varies with the situation and the people involved. I have no problem answering however I feel given the circumstances; condescending, avoidance, call it what you like. I do what works for me, and don’t consider it one of the important philosophical questions in life.</p>