<p>Topic: A time when you exercised effective leadership (about 300 words) </p>
<p>On November 7, 2005, the Namaste Band, a diverse group of young people at my church, commenced the inauguration of Delhi, Akshardham. Our main objective was to play the Indian national anthem at the inauguration ceremony of the Akshardham monument. This nationally televised ceremony occurred in the presence of thousands of people, including the President, Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam, and the Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh. </p>
<p>Prior to our departure, we extensively practiced musical
fundamentals, reiterating techniques used by marching bands. I acquired the percussion lead, where I demonstrated the qualities of a drum major. Many members of the band lacked the confidence that they could play competently; therefore, I took it upon myself to introduce several of my peers to the principles of music. With empathy, I helped my colleagues learn the basic beats one would acquire in a beginners band class, except I underwent the pressure of
teaching them in a months time. My friends felt that we were bound for a ghastly performance. However, my beliefs kept me unwavering. I knew we would perform well. I held the conviction that if I simply kept teaching everyone to the best of my ability, I would be able to help my peers identify with the music by creating a solid foundation. As they progressed in understanding, we became more and more committed and thrived with the common goal of being unsurpassed. </p>
<p>We stood, playing the national anthem in a manner far superior than what we had initially expected. So superior was our performance, that the President had a look of complete astonishment on his face as he listened. I exercised many traits that exemplified a great leader: I showed self-knowledge, commitment, empathy, and competence by helping others transform into better musicians. As an added bonus, I evolved out of my cocoon being able to give my friends the undivided attention that they long deserved by humbling myself, yet still attaining the honor of being a role model. Through all this, my character grew; my ability to see things through a leaders eye was unveiled.</p>
<p>Uh, well, I dunno. Is the content of this essay really true? It seems kind of, well, I don't know...not really the best topic, too cliched, something about it. Overall, it was good, but something about it was just missing.</p>
<p>Yeah, I know the place is true, but actually how you helped your fellow musicians become more committed and all that stuff. You made it sound like a life-changing experience for them or something. I dunno.</p>
<p>In general, your flow of ideas and phrases are choppy and contrived.
You really need to look closely at the language you're using and see if what you're saying effectively demonstrates the meaning you're trying to get at.</p>
<p>For example, you use a lot of general and vague words that leave the reader guessing as to what you really mean:</p>
<p>"With empathy, I helped my colleagues learn the basic beats" (Why empathy? There's no reason to include the phrase "with empathy" unless you're going to expand the idea of being emphatic or something)</p>
<p>"except I underwent the pressure of teaching them." Your English is very awkward. I think you're trying to use formal language, but your conventions are incorrect. (How do you "undergo" pressure? Poor use of words)</p>
<p>"thrived with the common goal of being unsurpassed." Once again, same problem. A common goal of being unsurpassed? How is that a goal? You either are unsurpassed, or you aren't. There's no way to work up to that "goal." Obviously, you mean your goal is to be the best. Just re-word this phrase. </p>
<p>In terms of ideas, your essay is basically the cliche leadership how-I-worked-hard-and-led-my-team-to-victory-I-have-learned-so-much-please-accept-me piece of writing. Try to put an interesting spin on your experience. Always follow the advice "show, don't tell" (all you do in the last paragraph is explain to the reader straight out how you're a good leader. It's boring, contrived, and unconvincing).</p>
<p>I'm sorry if this seems really harsh, but I'm just telling you the truth. Hopefully, if you take my advice (which would be to re-write the essay completely), you will have a fantastic essay. Also, your experience is amazing. By the time you apply to college you'll be totally ready. Good luck!</p>
<p>No offense or anything, but its kind of lame. (Sorry!) If I were you I'd get a book by Harry Bauld on writing the college application essay. The book is fantastic, check Amazon. I don't know how much time you have to do this, but I would reccomend a different style of essay.</p>
<p>I agree with shark... sometimes by showing how great of a writer you are by writing so many complex sentences with great syntax... it just gets wicked annoying.</p>
<p>Make sure it flows and just be true... no need to write 30 word sentences.. sometimes straight and to the point works great... allows for a breather if you know what I mean</p>
<p>I also agree...I actually submitted an evalutation on admissionchances.com that mirrored lionheartop2's criticism. I disagree with your explanation that it is "choppy because of the word limit". If anything, this essay is too verbose: what you are trying to say is lost in the sea of SAT vocab words. You can boil down some of those awkward paragraphs into concise sentences and then you'll have more room to "show, not tell". Good luck in improving it!</p>
<p>Same topic...please, dissect my essay as you have done to excel's (amazing experience by the way). It's a shame that I didn't find this forum before I submitted my application.</p>
<p>For the past six summers, I have volunteered as a VAC (Volunteer Assistant Coach) at my swim club. Over the years, my responsibilities as a VAC have grown from servicing the every need of the swimmers to coaching entire practices. As Senior VAC during the summer of 2005, I was given the responsibility of supervising the practices of the younger children.</p>
<p>So how exactly does one teach a lane full of anxious and fussy, but eager five-year olds to swim? Though the task seemed simple at first, I realized that coaching these young swimmers was not as easy as it sounded. At the beginning of the summer, many of these children had not yet learned to swim, let alone master the four strokes. As the summer progressed, I discovered that it takes a lot more than simply giving orders and directions to be a good coach and leader. It takes dedication and perserverance. It literally takes getting your feet wet, diving into the water headfirst, and grabbing the children by their swimsuits! It takes delegation to your subordinates, as I had other VACs take each of the children to teach them how to swim, legally, one on one. It takes a connection, a bond formed between two people based on mutual respect.<br>
These young children have taught me much about how to exercise effective leadership. Through this experience, I have learned to take action and charge by delegating tasks to my peers as well as how to work well with others. It is with this same passion and vigor that I tackle my other (and more traditional) leadership roles as Amnesty International president, school newspaper editor, and Policy debate chair, among others.</p>
<p>I agree, and I think that the final phrase "among others" makes it even more general. You end it on a good note, but you leave it open and it should be more final.</p>