<p>Hofstra interviewed me today for early action at my school. He said my essay was incredible and love it but i wrote it like in 15minutes and I don't know if he was being sacrastic and that's why I got a waiting listed card. They said my senior grades and November Sats will determine if I get in. Anyway can someone read my Essay and critique please.</p>
<p>Will. Determination. Hardwork. On a hot August day in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures in the high 90’s, you must possess certain qualities to survive. I have developed these qualities through joining the football team. Joining the football team my sophomore year was hands down the most fulfilling experience in my life. I’ve learned and have to see more and more evident that football is more than a game. I see that football is life. Now I don’t mean football equals life. It’s that football is based on life. Football is a constant struggle and always trying to move succeed and move on as in life. You win some and you lose some. Football also teaches you about family. I have my immediate family and I have what I like to call my brothers. I have 50 brothers from all creeds and walks of life. We practice together, we play games together, we eat together, and we go through life and grow together.</p>
<p>When some people think of football they think of contact, collisions, running and yelling. Yes, in some aspects football has that but football is more than that it’s 11 people during defensive and offensive plays trying to either score or not score. It’s a very simple game outscore the opponent and you win but you most be able to account on those 11 people each of them have has a task to be performed during the course of the play if all 11 succeed the result will be remarkable but if one person messes up it can falter a whole play. I joined football because I’m accountable for my own actions and can live with them. If I fail it won’t really halter me since I know I can move on if I make a mistake I can bounce back.</p>
<p>I really am grateful that I was able to participate in football. Football has made me a better person. This experience has allowed me to become a hardworking, determined, indivudual who has the will to succeed, to accomplish all my goals and take whatever life throws at me.</p>
<p>"Its a very simple game outscore the opponent and you win but you most be able to account on those 11 people each of them have has a task to be performed during the course of the play if all 11 succeed the result will be remarkable but if one person messes up it can falter a whole play"</p>
<p>A past accomplishment of mine that I am very proud of was my first Varsity football start. Being a varsity starter was one of my ultimate goals in high school. I’ve worked hard throughout my four years in high school for that one chance, and I finally achieved It, and I was ready to give it my all.</p>
<p>When the 2004 season ended I had in goal in my mind and that was to be a starter in football my senior year. Even if it didn’t last forever I wanted that one chance. When the 2005 season came around I achieved my goal and was going to be starting in season opener. When the day of the game came I never felt so nervous before ever in my life. I thought to myself this isn’t my first time starting I’ve done it before on lower levels but there was something different this time. It’s varsity and it’s not just any varsity game its against one of the top teams in the state.</p>
<p>So many thoughts were going through my head, my palms were sweating, my hands were shaking, and this was all during the national anthem. Finally the game beginnings we win the toss but defer and that means were going on defense first and I would be stepping on the field right away. As I went out all the thoughts started running through my head again, I was thinking am I really ready for this, the other team is really big, can I guard the receiver, what if he’s faster than me.</p>
<p>Then before I knew it the ball was hiked it was a run play without thinking I’m running to the ball and I get in on the tackle with the rest of my teammates and all the those thoughts left my head and I wasn’t nervous anymore now, I was just playing the game I loved and worked so hard to be able to play it. And I never felt so happy in my life I finally reached my dream I accomplished my goal and there was nothing more satisfying</p>
<p>Personally I think you need more specifics. Example...
"I have 50 brothers from all creeds and walks of life. We practice together, we play games together, we eat together, and we go through life and grow together"</p>
<p>Specifics here would be great; the ones you give are so general. I eat with about 300 people in the cafeteria everday, it doesn't mean we go through life and grow together. Was there a time when you all went out to a movie as a bonding experience? What happened? A party at someone's house after a game? Help eachother on homework? SPECIFICS.</p>
<p>Also, jam packed with cliches. Example: "You win some and you lose some." Terribe cliche and so random in your essay.</p>
<p>Connect it all and make it personal so that NO one else could write it and NO one else could be substituted in it.</p>
<p>Hmm sorry but it seems you stuffed it with cliched sentences, and there doesn't seem to be a logical flow. The language is also questionable ("if i fail it won't really halter me"?) and there is a severe lack of commas. So the question is, was he smiling when he said it?</p>
<p>The first essay needs the most improvement, the topic was cliche, it had a jagged feel since their were so many short sentences, and although I am not sure of the prompt, I learned nothing about you. Try to include preferences or something that your friends would say makes you different from the rest of the football team that braved the harsh weather. Good start though. Polish up the second one too.</p>