<p>I know this is highly advised against but the deadline is soon and I would appreciate any thoughts. This is my first draft and I know there are loads of grammatical errors so bear with me and thank you to anyone in advance!</p>
<p>Prompt:
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your involvement.</p>
<p>Homelessness is not a fear that plagues most teenagers but when you have lost the only home you have ever known you know no other fear. In 2009 my family, like many others, fell victim to the mortgage crisis that left so many displaced. Living in a society where we define personal wealth as the home you live in and the possessions you own only marked the tumultuous time with a sense of embarrassment. While tossing some of my most worldly possessions into a dumpster, because I had no clue if I were going to have a home to take them to, I felt hatred. I felt hatred that I had to leave my room of nineteen years, hatred for others who had no idea of the pain I was feeling and hatred for my parents for letting this happen to me. I did not speak to my parents for days and when I finally did I had no kind words but all the while I was consumed with an immense amount of guilt for knowing no other way to express these feelings.</p>
<p>Through all of this my dad still got up at 4:00 am every morning to commute two hours to work, work for 12 hours then commute all the way back home only to exhaustedly fall asleep and wait for the 4:00 am alarm to sound once more. With all of the harsh looks and unkind words I slew in his direction he never let his smile fade. When our final rental application was rejected and we were up against a timely eviction our only other option was to be split up between a mens and womens shelter. This was the first time I saw both of my parents break down and I realized I was not going through this alone. We were going through this together. My guilt from my actions now turned into shame as I watched this man, the man that I ridiculed for months, my father, scrambling to keep his family together. </p>
<p>Despite not knowing where any of us were headed I stayed my fathers main priority. My father maintained my education was of the utmost importance and that no matter what the circumstances were my classes came first. Against his wishes I chose to seek employment to help provide for my family and I. I was fortunate enough to find work at a local supercenter working as a pharmacy clerk. Once the monotonous insurance forms and new jargon became routine to me I found solace. Suddenly all of the college courses I was taking found direction. This was when I chose to pursue a career as a Pharmacist and the first step to getting there was to become a chemistry major.</p>
<p>I am now fortunate enough to look at facing such adversity with a positive light. It has has given me personal wealth that surpasses any possessions I could ever own. Through it all I was able to experience a career field in which my compassion and growing knowledge is able to help others. While my role in the pharmacy may not be of great significance to some I am still rewarded knowing that I make patients feel like coming to the pharmacy is a social occasion; it is a place where I know their names and they know mine. Most importantly it gives me the opportunity to make my biggest supporter, my father, proud. Even when we were unsure of where the future was taking us and I treated him so unkindly he did everything in his power to make sure that my education was my focus. Without him I would have never had the opportunity to write this. For that, I am forever thankful.</p>
<p>-Missing some commas here and there. Some sentences are very long, so I suggest fragmenting them.
-“for my family and me”. I don’t think “I” is the right pronoun to use there. (i.e. provide for me vs provide for I; the latter doesnt make much sense)
-Consider revising first sentence of last paragraph. (consider: I … to face such adversity)
-Apparently UCs are strict with prompts; until the last paragraph, I thought you were applying for a business-related degree. I’m not sure if there is a clear “theme” or a unifying message in the writing.</p>
<p>+Well written, save a few grammatical errors.
+I thought it was quite captivating.</p>
<p>Your writing style is weak. Your sentences are too long. Your thoughts aren’t well organized. You add in useless words and phrases. </p>
<p>Putting stuff like hatred for parents is a HUGE RED FLAG. You have a whole paragraph about your dad working, this is a person statement about you, not your father. Then you completely stop talking about being homeless and move to talking about a pharmacy and wanting a career as a pharmacist. Your final paragraph makes no sense at all “it has has given me personal wealth that surpasses any possessions I could ever own.” How so? </p>
<p>Overall you really need to work on figuring out what you actually want to say and then saying that in the most efficient way.</p>
<p>Please help! looking for someone to be brutally honest in reading what I sooo far for my essay prompt #1 also. Im not getting to the point and feel like it’s getting worse by the minute. :/</p>
<p>My world is within my mind; my castle and protection. Within those walls is where I reside, a place that cannot ever be taken from me. This is where my ambition, dreams, drive, personality, compassion, and knowledge have been nurtured and cradled; molding the person I have become. My environment is one of peace, solitude, confinement, and secrecy, though at any point can be pillaged by outsiders. Once the walls of the castle have been breached it is an atmosphere of solidarity, ingenuity, and variation. The saying, “you are shaped by your surroundings” is ever accurate but not exact. My world can only be shaped through the ideology of what is permitted through the knights at the gate. I am the Queen of my castle and allow only those of valiant measure entrance beyond the perimeter. Every Queen entertains the voice of the people, however only those ideas that are worthy and distinct are applied to the law of the land. It is the objective of the sovereign to develop a community of excellence and everlasting influence and within the castle’s walls is where I contemplate a strategy for prosperity. </p>
<p>I have tactically shaped my mind to allow only the absolute best to stem from my innate actions. What I have allowed to absorb within my mind is purely positivity and determination to strive for all things greater than my surroundings. I have progrmmed myself to recognize that all things are possible with the faith and self-encouragement to undertake the seemingly impossible, there is a reoccurring proof by those before me that have overcome the odds and fought tooth and nail for their achievements. By embracing all creeds and perspectives I am opening my horizons to far greater possibilities. I am constructing the best me by pick and choosing the greatness in all circumstances and incorporating them into all endeavors. </p>
<p>I am inspired to take my dream of becoming a self-made entrepreneur to greater lengths and using my abilities to inspire and facilitate for others. I identify the significance in my future success and my ability to apply this to service others, as their ideas and actions have helped teach and guide the shaping of myself.</p>
<p>You really need to read the prompt properly and gain perspective. You are not answering the question. It can be tempting to tell admissions your life story but they are asking you about your MAJOR and the work you’ve done. The part about working as a pharmacy clerk - expand on that. How did that cultivate your interest? How have you grown since choosing chemistry as your major? What kind of relevant work have you done? What has your work done for you? What are your goals? EXPAND. Don’t go too much into detail about your family and other things. Focus on the prompt.</p>
<p>Thankfully my “weak” writing style will not have too much of an effect on me seeing as how my TAG already went through and my personal statement is more for scholarship opportunities than anything. Thanks for reading and your thoughts!</p>