<p>this is just the beginning of my essay about coaching basketball, i will write in later paragraphs how it has made me grow</p>
<p>offer me critics/suggestions</p>
<p>Pacing back and forth along sideline, I turn my head back and gaze at the shot clock. Waves of agony assail my soul. Ten seconds left and down by two. Little glistening drops of sweat begin to take form on my forehead as I fidget with my tie. With a swift motion of my hands, the universal timeout sign flashes out to the zebra-striped referee. The high pitch whistle prevails upon the clamor of the pandemonium. Timeout Hawks! My mind races with intensity, attempting to conjure the perfect last play. Stack, screwdriver, Everest, Mickey Ds, hole in one, screen and roll, or just the classic give n go. My fingers, coiled around the black Mr. Sketch marker, strive to put a diagram of a play on the merciless petite white clipboard in front of me. Nine inquisitive pairs of fifth-grader eyes fix on me, patiently waiting for a command. With one more instruction to determine it all, the pressure mounts on me as a coach to call the right play. With a grin on my face, I quietly place the whiteboard, the Holy Grail and emblem of power, behind my back. Ok guys, this is it. This is what we come here for. I wont be calling the last play; you guys will.</p>
<p>No, no, noooooooo. Exactly what a college essay should NOT be. It reads like a 7th grade descriptor vocabulary assignment. The idea is not to exercise your vocab or attempt to show creative writing skills, it's to communicate the important things about you. You've just wasted a long paragraph not saying a thing about yourself.</p>
<p>lol I agree with bobby100, but I'll be slightly less rough.</p>
<p>Basically, it's a good paragraph, but just use everyday vocabulary...that could potentially be a very good essay, it could be interesting, you have the concept right (show, don't tell) but you're using too many big words for it to read naturally</p>
<p>You can use it, but make sure you do a really good jop tying it with the essay question. You can write how it illustrated/shaped your character and how it affects you in other areas of life</p>
<p>You should delete all the sentences about you. "Waves of agony...", "Little glistening drops...", "My fingers, coiled around the black..." can all go.
Instead of, "With a swift motion of my hands, the universal timeout sign flashes out to the zebra-striped referee."
Say, "I signaled for a timeout."</p>
<p>Try to write it like you would describe it if you were talking to a friend and it will sound much more natural.</p>
<p>I hate to discourage, but from everything I've need told you should never right about how you "won the big game". Not sure if that is where you are headed, but...</p>
<p>Maybe I'm slow, but it took me pretty far in the essay before I realized you were a coach. The early tie reference just made me wonder why you were wearing a tie and playing basketball... (duh). But-- am guessing there might be some admissions people who are also as sports-ignorant as I am!
I would also cool it a bit with the lots-and-lots of descriptive phrases. If you made it more straightforward, it might give you a little space back again to play up the presence of the kids a bit more. Kids can be charming, humorous, determined, focused on you, etc. I'd rather hear more about your relationship with your team than about the sweaty moment in time. I do think it could work, though!</p>