We anticipated our child (ADHD with terrible executive function skills, among other issues) would have some challenges in adapting to the challenge of balancing academics, sports, music, etc at boarding school, and while the first year was a little bumpy, grades-wise, they were overall pretty good. This year (10th) has been a completely different story, and the grades are genuinely abysmal - midterm grades came out today, and they’re all C’s and D’s (coming from a kid who never had anything other than an A for the first 8 years of school).
Complicating this is that they experienced a very significant personal trauma at the start of the school year, one that they’re still struggling with, and it has been extremely hard to balance encouraging them to do things they enjoy (music, sports, clubs), that seem to help with healing, with the reality that they’re there for academics, and are risking academic suspension/withdrawal. At the very least, they will have very, very few college options open unless things dramatically turn around.
So. Anyone have any positive stories of a kid managing to come back from the brink of bombing out? We’ve already insisted they drop 2 commitments (a club leadership position and an involvement in an art program). Advisor and counselors are all aware of the situation, but haven’t made much of an impact.
Wish I could snap my fingers and help solve it all.
What does student think is problem?
Trauma may take time to heal. Mental health is so important. Investing in psychological counseling, assuring attention to get head in right place, would be my concern.
Certainly many kids turn around sophomore year grades. Could elective be downgraded temporarily to get tutoring to get back on track with core subject?
On other hand, with ADHD , executive function, a kid needs one EC for expressing competence, joy, stress relief, friendship. Is there possibility for credit recovery summer school/grade replacement if D grade doesn’t improve?
Is neuropsych testing, extended time, other accommodations available, executive function coaching? If a student has processing issues, variety of stresses will cause problems with keeping up with schoolwork.
@momof3nyc I am so sorry that your family is in this position. It is heartbreaking to watch your child struggle and not be able to “fix it”. Raising 4 kids, we have been there many times. There is no magic bullet to resolve the situation. We have used a combination of academic and mental health resources to help our kids get the tools they needed to get back on track when in similar circumstances.
It’s really important to try to figure out why things are going so poorly: is it time management, oversleeping and missing class, anxiety holding him back from completing projects or is depression overwhelming. Our daughter left BS around this time in 10th grade under similar circumstances. She cane home pretty broken and felt like crap about herself (she too had been a straight A kinda girl before BS). We focused on getting her mental health needs met and ultimately she chose not to return to BS. Fast forward to today and she just graduated from GT manga cum laude and starts her real job next week. There is hope after kids bomb out- if you can get them the tools they need to recover. Best of luck and feel free to pm me.
Hmmmm…good question about summer options. I’ll have to check with the advisor.
Mental health is our biggest concern, and we’ve been pleasantly surprised at how supportive the school has been overall, and the counselor they’re working with seems great. I think part of the issue is the (false) sense that “everyone else” seems to be doing it all without a problem - great grades, sports teams, arts commitments, clubs, etc. While there are some kids who are probably doing it all extremely well, I don’t think most kids are juggling all of those things every term (our child is a three season athlete, and plays in a musical group, plus lessons, and is in multiple clubs/activities).
Our child recognizes there’s a problem, but seems caught in the cycle of being overwhelmed, trying to catch up, shorting sleep/self-care, feeling even more burned out, then collapsing on Sunday to try to recover, instead of using that time to plan and work ahead. They also acknowledged its a problem that their free blocks are at the very end of the day, after sports - by that point, they’re tired and hungry and find it impossible to concentrate. It’s the perfect storm of circumstances.
Could schedule be rearranged with free block or sport for rest of 3rd quarter?
Schedules change completely each term, and because of the specific sport they play in the spring, they will end their day with sports, so the frees will be earlier. Just need to make it to spring term, I guess… 
If a student had pneumonia or broken bones from an accident, there would be ways to mitigate or make up work, or have excused absence. For mental trauma, there may be similar path.
I don’t have any great answers but am sympathetic. My son — also with ADHD and a similar load — manages to pull through with decent enough grades, but barely, and he seems to spend a lot of time on the brink of disaster and just barely managing. This is now the 8th trimester out of 8 when his mid-tri grades were an absolute low point, so I have learned to dread this time and brace myself for it. As he constantly reminds me, “It’s just a snap shot” — which for him always seems to have been taken on a really bad day.
It is definitely an emotional roller coaster for parents, and I do feel that it’s a real grind for the kids, especially in the winter term. I don’t know where your son is, but in NE it’s cold, dark, they’re all a little sick, not getting as much time outside, and for DS he has an extra class this term and they condense the class day to accommodate the winter sports. He has one free period all week, which makes it virtually impossible to meet with teachers when he needs help.
I will say that although junior year has the bad reputation, DS found sophomore year to be very hard. I think the kids expect it to be easier — they’re settled in, and they don’t yet have the pressures of junior year — but the workload increases, material is harder, and expectations are higher all around. It’s also well known at DS’s school that winter is tough — I was very relieved to hear that from parents of older kids. I drove a few extra kids for their outside sport on Sunday and they were all exhausted, coughing, and one (an extremely successful older kid who seems to do it all) mentioned having to make “that phone call” to his Mom about his mid-tri grades.
I am glad your son is getting good mental health support. Does he have tutoring/executive function support? I have found my son’s tutor to be the best resource. Does he have a mid-winter break coming up? I know DD is counting down the classes till their long weekend. I think it’s one day, one assignment, one stretch at a time. Sending moral support!
Why did you insist on dropping the art program? Is that something your kid loved? Seems to me that dropping a potential source of relaxation and pleasure isn’t the best choice. I assume the child is not living near family. Let your kid do things that makes them happy. Happiness before grades.
“our child is a three season athlete, and plays in a musical group, plus lessons, and is in multiple clubs/activities”
It sounds to me like your child is over scheduled outside of classes. I know some kids can manage it but yours is not currently. Sometimes we need to help guide our kids and let them know that no one can do it all and it’s OK to scale back.
Mental health certainly needs to be the focus but then, academics.
We told our D in middle school that it was unreasonable to do competitive dance and her sport (on top of other things). She ended up dropping dance. In HS, she dropped her sport to do theater year round because that brought her more joy. There simply are not enough hours in the day to do everything.
I feel for you. And while this doesn’t answer your question, I hope it will help.
Play the long game.
Don’t focus on the fact that these bad grades can negatively impact where your C goes to college. Don’t focus on grades at all. Focus on getting your C the skills they need to do well in life. And, as bizarre as this sounds, it’s actually a good thing that this all came to a head when it did because C is still a minor and you get to be involved in getting your C on a good track.
Since you’re worried about how this will impact your C’s chances of getting into a good college, I want to mention that even if that comes to pass: 1. you’d be really surprised how many top notch professors are at some of those schools. Opportunities for success at the college level still exist. 2. Your C can always transfer colleges after a year or two of success at a lower ranked college. 3. If your C goes to grad school, it’s more important where they went to grad school than college. So your C can be the shining star at undergrad and go to a great grad school program.
Lastly, I want to mention that 10th grade is often a time when an otherwise good student has issues. It’s because the work gets harder, so if your C was missing a foundation in something but is otherwise bright, they were able to overcome some gaps before. Now that work is more intense, the lack of some of those skills/knowledge starts to show. This is a great time to figure out what’s missing, and shore that up for future success.
Good luck!
Yes, they love it, but it was the 2nd art commitment (they love the first more), and the least flexible. There just aren’t enough hours in the week to do everything they love AND keep up with the work
I was going to post the same thing. Both of my kids are also wanting to do everything types and enjoying a lot of different things but you need to be very organized and efficient to be able to do this successfully and still get the grades you want. My younger one is decidedly not organized enough to pull it off, so we stressed not taking on too many commitments. But his school requires B- or better average to maintain athletic eligibility (I assumed it was entire league but maybe not?), so the decision would not be up to him/us at that point. Even so, the grades are not as good as he’d like at this point, and we need to talk about skipping the skiing trip on Sunday and spending more time getting organized.
In your situation, I would reach out to school about getting a tutor, I assume the in-school resources (extra help, peer tutoring) have not been enough so the school should OK you getting a tutor. Ours has learning center with list of tutors who are familiar with the curriculum etc. I would also consider getting executive function coach for a couple hours of Sunday to go over the schedule and assignments and get your child organized. A good friend did that and it made a world of different to their kid who was also on the brink of leaving.
My child had B-s, and C grades in eighth grade after their father and I divorced and he moved out. They really struggled but given some time they have made their way back and is back to the grades they’re used to. I’m really sorry that your child is struggling and while I can’t necessarily offer a solution, I can tell you that next time your child comes home for break, try and take a whole day with them, just to understand how they’re feeling and any struggles they’re facing. It helped me with my child, and spending time with them has also improved our relationship. Also, if your child has a teacher they really connect with, encourage them to talk to that teacher. I wish you good luck and I know you and your child will get through this.
You indicate your child did fine last year. Now, when your child has gotten past the adjustment to BS, they are having serious academic issues. What has changed?
The trauma.
“Complicating this is that they experienced a very significant personal trauma at the start of the school year, one that they’re still struggling with, and it has been extremely hard to balance encouraging them to do things they enjoy”
Time needs to be given to focusing on healing. Sounds like this hasn’t been taken care of. BS often isn’t the best place to do so - packed schedule, rigor, lack of family support, lack of sleep.
Consider a leave of absence for your child, please, so they can focus on their health - much more important than grades.
Also, if the decline in grades (Cs and Ds) continues, there is a good chance they might not be invited back. Not trying to be harsh, just honest.
I love the idea of an executive function coach because these skills will help your C throughout their entire life.
I’m posting again because I wanted to comment that ECs can be VERY important, and maybe more important than being lock-step into taking certain classes by certain dates. I’m thinking of several examples such as:
successful 28 year old at exclusive consulting company. When I asked him what college classes helped him the most with his job, he told me it was actually his HS Model UN experiences that helped him the most.
Or another successful 28 year old with a job at a well known educational company, who said it was her time spent as the editor of her HS and college newspapers.
successful 50 year old CEO, who told me it was his HS investing club. After trying to pursue a stem major in college and not doing particularly well in it, he took stock of what he did well in and what he loved, and his success in that HS club led him into that field.
owner of a successful marketing company, who got his start in the graphic art world due to his HS art teacher
successful violinist
successful marketer for a professional sports team, whose time playing that sport gave them the necessary insights for the job.
I’m sure all of us have many examples we could cite. But you get my point, that it’s important to still have the time to find out what we love doing or what we’re good at, and that can be more important than graduating HS with certain classes under our belt.
^^^ yes. I agree with @doschicos and if the trauma is really that significant, I would urge you to consider the grade drop as a symptom, not the problem itself. Because in that case, the problem won’t be fixed through achievement when what’s wrong is emotional–whether that be grief, guilt, trauma, etc.
I’m sorry. I know this must be hard for you both, and I wish you well.
My S19 has adhd, EF issues and documented learning disabilities. Had an IEP at age 3 and graduated with a 504.
He too suffered a great personal trauma his junior year. He went from hanging in there with a 3.2 to a 1.7. With therapy he graduated luckily. My goals for him had to change for his and my mental sanity.
He’s at a tech school and thriving. Baby steps. Good luck!
I’d second the idea of hiring an Executive coach to help out for a few hours per week. Writing things down, planning especially longer projects and having milestones can be very helpful.
Also, don’t know what the first and second art commitments are, but is there any way for your kid to have some downtime? Art sounds perfect, a way to unwind and relax.
Can the school create extenuating circumstances so that the afternoon commitment can be reduced/eliminated? Also, someone who has excellent skills and is a good fit might be able to rebuild his confidence /lessen anxiety etc thru weekly check-ins.
Sounds like a couple of adults are needed. If the mental health is being addressed, I’d go after the Exec function next. Could be he is so overwhelmed that he doesn’t know where to start.
Does your child have an advisor? Is it a good fit? If not you could also ask to switch. A good advisor will be in touch with teachers and would have let you know that things were awry earlier ( IMHO). We let the advisor know about things happening outside of school so he gets the whole picture.
I wouldn’t worry about the grades with him. ( Though I would in private with my spouse and I would ask the advisor for advice in this situation).
The trauma was serious. The kid needs to prioritize healing first. I’d seriously consider a leave of absence. Better to ask for a leave, use the time wisely for healing and skill building, and manage re-entry, than to be asked to leave.
Actually, the worst case scenario isn’t that they be asked to leave or not asked to return. The worst case scenario is they somehow muddle through this year, recover, and seem to do well, only to completely crumble at a later date – perhaps even years or decades later – because they didn’t take the time to fully recover/heal from the trauma, deal with the PTSD, and develop both coping and EF skills.
Also: Not sure that they are qualified to judge their own mental state or to choose their own path to wellness. We’re talking about a young teen!