<p>Nostalgic wisdom, you may be a lifesaver. I’ve copied and pasted your note and sent it to him. Living on another campus, along with having us close by in case he needs family time might be the perfect solution. </p>
<p>I’m sure nostalgic speaks for the Questbridge community at Pomona who would embrace your S and make sure he has a ‘family’ on campus. Questbridge chapters have really strengthened over the past few years as they increase numbers, become more active on campus and better funded, and the organization’s reputation nationally is so excellent…
Your S is lucky that the QB scholarship is 8 semesters (not necessarily consecutive) and he has that tuition left (if he chooses to use it) and that the Claremont consortium is so flexible and functional - he could take up to half his classes off campus, major at another college (majoring at another college usually is permitted only when the major doesn’t exist at the student’s home college but perhaps an exception could be made if necessary), eat and live on another campus etc. But this is contingent on his emotional and mental willingness to to re-enter that community – as different as it may be after 5 years. Our bodies do a complete cellular turnover every few years yet remain the same body. Your S may feel this way about Pomona - whatever his fear is has to do with something with it being “Pomona”. But again, as nostalgic notes, Pomona will want to help your S succeed and will make resources available to him. </p>
<p>If he can’t or won’t return to finish his degree there, the CIA’s undergraduate scholarship might be perfect for his needs. He would work for the CIA in DC every summer between school years and they provide a salary, benefits and retirement, etc. plus 18K toward the cost of college. And during the school year he would also receive his salary every 2 weeks. When you graduate you have to work for the CIA for 1.5 x the number of years they paid tuition (so 3 years for your S) but lots/maybe even most choose to stay on because they love the work and have already begun a meaningful career while in college. He would need to maintain a 3.0 to keep the scholarship. With the 18K/year from the CIA plus some needs based aid and/or his earnings and even a loan if necessary or help from you, he could finish his degree in 4 or 5 semesters. The CIA also pays for grad school or other training if he stayed on and worked for them. They pay for any licensing, certifications, continuing Ed etc. There would be the structure he seeks but also independence and quick rewards. </p>
<p>The only possible hitch here would be the psychological testing which is pretty rigorous. But my S knew someone who did this program who had a history of some recreational drug use but had been clean for 12 months and they took him and put him through college and he still works there as far as I know ;). Once someone is working for the CIA you can’t really talk about it, but I can vouch for the excellence of the scholarship. It is a superb opportunity and makes a young person very independent very quickly. Also they tailor the work to skills and interests you have from the beginning, so it is a real job despite being just summers to start.
Obviously making Pomona work would be ideal but maybe this is an option as well…
I genuinely hope it all works out well for your S and you. </p>
<p>I’ve sent him another copy and paste. The CIA program sounds right up his alley. Psychologically, he really is incredibly strong - no doubt in part to all of the therapy. His drug use has been limited to marijuana, but is not a dependency, so don’t see that as a hitch. You’ve really given us/him something to think about. I am incredibly grateful and feeling more hopeful for his future than I have in a long time. it would be amazing if he could pull a rabbit out of this hat - whether he returns to Pomona or goes directly to the CIA. Much gratitude!</p>
<p>I think I’d start with vocational counseling. His therapist can direct him to on-line tests. At whatever college he enters, these tests are free. </p>
<p>On prior thread, I posted how I knew 2 young men who were suspended from their colleges (1 for 1 year, the other for 2). The FL boy worked for a year, and returned to his college. He was on full tuition and R & B. Otherwise, he would have enrolled in one of FL’s many colleges. It has worked out well for him.</p>
<p>Both of these men accepted what they did that caused their suspension. It bothers me that your son still has such strong feelings re: Pomona. </p>
<p>I don’t think any of our FL schools = Pomona, but if he looks for work in FL, any state school will be better known than Pomona (IMHO). Tuition in FL state colleges is inexpensive. If he has to work and establish residency for a year, he could pay a little extra and take a class each semester. </p>
<p>just some random thoughts…</p>
<p>I am still not clear: did he get F;s because he stopped going to classes? Did he withdraw formally at a date that was too late to prevent those F’s? Was the suspension due to those F’s? If there is a mental health issue, it is possible that the slate could be wiped clean-? </p>
<p>As for therapy, do you, as a parent, know whether any of the three therapists uncovered the trauma on campus?</p>
<p>In my opinion, you are putting the cart before the horse. First and foremost, I believe you need to get full disclosure on what happened at Pomona. I understand he is emotional about whatever happened but that cannot be allowed to derail an open discussion of the details. Once you have that information, you and your son can make choices that will be better suited to his situation. If that is not something he is willing to discuss, then I think your best option is to stear him toward finding a job and let him deal with academics when he is mature enough to deal with the past. </p>
<p>I agree with the above. If two years on that campus left him so emotionally scarred that he is in therapy and still cannot bring himself to tell you anything at all about what happened, I don’t see how you can talk about sending him back there even though it does seem to be the best opportunity for him at this point. Student turnover may not be sufficient if the problem was with a faculty member, or if he simply cannot bear to return to the surroundings which will remind him constantly of whatever trauma he experienced. Not knowing anything about what happened, how can you know whether he would be able to attend any college? Has he told his therapists what happened? Do they think he is ready to return to college?</p>
<p>I cannot imagine a person with significant anxiety issues which therapy is not/has not addressed, and/or PTSD being able to make it through the CIA screen. You may believe him to be psychologically strong based on what you see- be the CIA needs to make sure that its employees are not vulnerable to blackmail, not likely to experience stressful events as traumatic, etc. </p>
<p>If it were me (and I realize I am taking liberties since it’s not me), I’d be encouraging my kid to explore getting a job either near grandma or sis. Get established. Make a friend or two. Join an ultimate frisbee team or whatever social activities he enjoys. Start to develop some ties in a community.</p>
<p>Six months into it- revisit the college idea. He may have much more direction by then. He will likely have more confidence by then. And if he decides he wants to become a dental hygienist or a dentist or a neuroscientist or a lab tech or get a management trainee job at Hyatt or Disney or become a carpenter or computer tech… he’ll know exactly what path he needs to get there.</p>
<p>I realize that community colleges differ across the country- but the ones near me do a great job of helping a student who is very focused get the credits he or she needs to apply to finish up at a four year U- or a student working full time looking for certification- or a student who is paying his or her own way slowly make progress through a degree. The program is not structured to introduce a kid who doesn’t know what he wants to study to a bunch of different disciplines (like Pomona is). I’d be worried about my kid getting (and paying for) more credits that aren’t propelling him forward.</p>
<p>Not that I’m anti “education for education’s sake”. But that would speak to an entirely different strategy here.</p>
<p>I completely agree with Blossom. </p>
<p>Adding…we know career foreign service officers. It is not an easy job. Usually, FS jobs require being posted outside of the United States for many periods of time in ones career. If this young man must live at home to succeed…even now…it would be difficult to anticipate a career in which moving around to other countries is required. There is also a large medical evaluation component, as with all government jobs, and one would need to demonstrate sound health all around. </p>
<p>When DD applied for the Peace Corps, she had to provide information from EVERY doctor she had seen for five years for any purpose. </p>
<p>Re: living in the Claremont area for $1300 a month. Sure…you could rent for that…but the other costs to live in that area will quickly add up. You will most definitely need a car. Utilities, food, and other costs are not free. It’s an expensive place to reside.</p>
<p>Another thought…while Pomona and the Claremont Consortium of schools might offer the scholarship, and accept him back, etc…he will be a 24 year old when he returns, not an 18-22 year old like most of their undergrad students. Perhaps it would be better to look for a place with more non-traditional students…where he will feel like he fits in better.</p>
<p>You own a house in Florida. Would you be able to move back there and establish residency in Florida? Cost of living is less!</p>
<p>And lastly…above, someone said your son will have instate status for New College. I’m not sure that is true. Remember, he is an independent student for this application round. HE must establish his own residency…and right now…he is a resident of Mexico, not Florida.</p>
<p>I agree with the statement of “putting the cart before the horse.” </p>
<p>You are putting a lot of energy into this, including considering moving…which is always costly. I would want to get to the bottom of what happened at Pomona. </p>
<p>Did he feel that the classes were too hard?
Did he have a romance that went bad?
Is he having any sexual confusion?
Was a professor somehow inappropriate or cruel to him?
Was he extremely homesick?
Did he have organizational issues?
Did he feel overwhelmed?
Was he used to you taking care of things for him?</p>
<p>The fact that you think that he’ll be fine if he commutes from home, rather than living at school, suggests that you are somewhat aware that the issue really isn’t Pomona, but something else. </p>
<p>Will the original school even take him back if he hasn’t even got to the root of the issue? I get that schools deal with mental health issues as they turn up with current students but are they going to really have open arms in this situation with full disclosure? At 24, his mum is trying to fix his life for him, how would the CIA in any way be an option? There are just so many things going on that college seems to be the least of his worries. </p>
<p>He definitely was incredibly homesick. He would leave from breaks at home in tears and after talks that went long into the night. He missed his friends from school in Florida in a big way, though he made tons of new close friends at Pomona. He did have a romance that went bad. The classes were definitely hard. This was a kid who over his entire life prior to Pomona only ever had to study for physics and the SATs. He came back never wanting to complete another assignment or write another paper in his life. Sexual confusion might have played a part, but I believe he’s worked that out. Organization was never his thing, but didn’t handicap him. His dad worked as a teacher at the high school he came from, which was the same school he had been at since 2nd grade. It was a prestigious private school and he was there on scholarship due to being a faculty child.</p>
<p>I get a shame vibe about whatever he’s not saying. He insists he feels like he disappointed Pomona and Questbridge and that he never should have been accepted or given such a huge opportunity. And, they certainly couldn’t want him back. That they bet on the wrong horse (my words). And, that may be where much of the shame stems from. That he also wants to avoid the campus, suggests to me something more, butmay be just something I’m projecting. He’s an open kid trying very hard to communicate with me. I think he knows I wouldn’t be shocked to hear anything and would support him no matter what he disclosed. Maybe you’re right, comp mom, and there’s nothing there. </p>
<p>I’m not really clear on whether he has any Fs. I’m guessing. He never checked his grades at the end, and I haven’t brought them up before now. Grades were never a focus in our household. Knowledge was. He knows he needs to choose something to concentrate on, but he’s your classic smart kid that loves whatever it is he’s learning. I always figured he’d teach. He’s very extroverted (although he loves solitude too.) He reminds everyone of Matthew Gray Gubler on Criminal Minds in appearance, speech pattern, smarts, etc. Sorry for the TV reference, but it’s fitting. </p>
<p>I like the CIA idea for a couple of reasons. I was an investigator for the State Attorney’s Office for many years. It was the only job I ever had that wasn’t boring. I can see him doing that easily, being good at it and enjoying it. He’s comfortable in foreign environments and doesn’t want to live in the US long term. His language skills are phenomenal. He thinks on his feet and is very level headed. He has a strong sense of justice. And, he’s brilliant, with tremendous deductive ability. </p>
<p>I think of this extended time at home as a cocoon where he feels safe. I also think he’s ready to venture out. He just wants us near to catch him if he needs to retreat. I don’t want this to define him for the rest of his life, and it shouldn’t. He may have just needed more time at home than the average kud, but I’m certain he doesn’t want us there in a huge way long term. </p>
<p>As for Claremont, I think we can afford to live nearby. Our total income is $3500 and in season it rises to $5k. If I keep rent to $1300 or so, we should be good. Living in Florida at the old house would kill this income. </p>
<p>And, there’s always the potential that my husband or I could find work. We also own a car outright.</p>
<p>As a mom, I am super protective of my kids, and I can’t imagine sending my child back into an environment where he was previously traumatized. </p>
<p>If the situation is brought out into the open, then a therapist can work with your child and help all of you determine if it is safe to return. And maybe the reality is that there was no specific trauma, just an overwhelmed kid in over his head in a new environment that couldn’t keep up. Depression hits, motivation takes a nose dive, and with no friends or family watching over him, he completely shut down. And now maybe he is too embarrassed to admit his situation.</p>
<p>Whether it is trauma or a mental health issue, I strongly encourage you and your family to work on resolving it before adding academics back into his life.</p>
<p>It sounds like you are supporting your son and want only the best for him. I wish you well as you work with him to figure out his next step.</p>
<p>I think you need to put the cards on the table and let him figure something out. I think if he wants a traditional four year degree from a top U the option is Pomona. How and wherefore- he’ll need a heart to heart with the admissions and financial aid folks- but I have a strong sense from what you’ve written that they will welcome him back and will try and find a way to make his re-entry as easy as possible.</p>
<p>If he can’t or won’t go back to Pomona, then you are looking at a bunch of non-traditional (or at least, not easy) options. And I think he needs to spend some time doing the research and the legwork figuring out what’s going to work for him academically and for you financially.</p>
<p>The notion that he’ll be in a rigorous environment and NOT have to work his tail off- and have some academic stress- as brilliant as you say he is- is just unrealistic. He could enroll in an open admissions type college or get a degree from U Phoenix in international business, minoring in Spanish, and not have to push himself too hard. But if he’s going to study at a Pomona comparable place- econ? applied math? political science? geography? it’s going to be hard. That’s a lesson that even the most brilliant kid needs to learn.</p>
<p>I’m not a therapist- and if I were- I wouldn’t be diagnosing over the internet. But do you know if any of the therapists he’s seen specialize in CBT? As I understand it (as a layperson) it is less about the long term, freud type analysis, and more about practical behavioral ways to deal with stress, trauma, other issues. I have a friend who has a long history of dramatic “breakups” with her shrink who has found CBT to be a godsend. Nobody is asking her to resolve her long-standing family issues- just a competent (and somewhat bossy) therapist helping her navigate life, get a big promotion at work without torpedoing herself, etc.</p>
<p>Just something to think about. Not all treatment modalities are created equal.</p>
<p>Is there a medical reason that you and your H are not working right now??? Could that be another stressor your son is trying to cope with- an ill parent (or parental unemployment?)</p>
<p>@SMAmom, just fyi, CIA work is not the same as foreign service work. CIA officers can choose clandestine services or other assignments that move them overseas, but actually the majority work at the huge compound here and in other domestic assignments. You make a choice early on about what career track you want. There are actually plenty of desk jobs where you can just work 9-5 if you want a ‘normal’ family life. A fantastic thing about CIA work is you always leave the work at the office! In fact, when you first work there they encourage you to stay “on campus” - they have every facility you can imagine - restaurants, gyms, recreation of all sorts - and you are encouraged to mingle and become close with your colleagues. You build a family there which is important because even if you have a desk job, you really can’t talk about your work outside the CIA environment.</p>
<p>Of course there are also exciting overseas assignments if that’s your thing.
Re: his language skills, this is something they are heavily recruiting right now, and will steer him into interesting work from the beginning. For a bright kid the opportunities are really unlimited. I wish I could give you more details 
but you can also look at various review sites online for evaluations of the program - they are unanimously positive.</p>
<p>The psychological piece is real, but because I don’t know your kid I wouldn’t presume to judge or diagnosis. You can evaluate that - and of course the rigorous medical and background checks will help the CIA make their choice.
The scholarship was initially designed to assist minority and disabled students, so they are used to dealing with kids who don’t have mainstream backgrounds. (It is now open to everyone) Some have even had experiences you would think would preclude them from this work, but it’s really an opportunity scholarship. Your description of your son’s intellect and inclinations is what made me suggest this. Minus the psychological piece he is perfect.
Of course, national security is paramount, and the government would never hire someone they believed even <em>might</em> be unstable. But I have no idea about your son, and plenty of us have had all kinds of issues and transformations in our lives. Perhaps now is not the time but you may want to continue therapy and keep the CIA undergrad scholarship on the back burner. I can’t remember if there’s an outside age limit to enter the program but I think it might be 25. Do fact check that though.</p>
<p>Also, there is a family income guideline for the program which it sounds like you meet: Financial need as demonstrated by the household income ceiling up to $70,000 for a family of four, and $80,000 for a family of five or more.</p>
<p>Undergraduate Scholarship Program</p>
<p>The Opportunity to Make a Difference
The Undergraduate Scholar Program was developed, in part, to assist minority and disabled students, but application is open to all students who meet the requirements. The program offers unmatched experience. You’ll complete work sessions during each summer break, increasing your knowledge and job responsibilities while assisting intelligence professionals and applying your academic skills.</p>
<p>We believe in challenging our Scholars with meaningful work that relates to their college major. An IT major, for example, might be given increasingly complex projects involving sophisticated computer systems. An engineering major might help produce a piece of state-of-the-art equipment. A finance major could be involved in developing and analyzing budgets for a worldwide operation. A foreign language major might be instrumental in translating documents for US policymakers. As a final example, a human resource major could have the opportunity to develop and implement personnel policies and procedures.</p>
<p>Once selected, you will be given an annual salary; a benefits package that includes health insurance, life insurance, and retirement; and up to $18,000 per calendar year for tuition, mandatory fees, books and supplies. You’ll be required to work at an Agency facility during summer breaks and to maintain full-time college status during the school year with a minimum cumulative 3.0/4.0 GPA. We will pay the cost of transportation between school and the Washington, DC area each summer and provide a housing allowance.</p>
<p>Because the Scholar Program is an investment in you, accepting an offer means making a career choice. We ask that you agree to continue employment with the Agency after college graduation for a period equal to 1.5 times the length of your college sponsorship.</p>