REALLY need advice....

Parents Forum
1

<p>I have been a CC user/poster for over a year, but changed my user name for this post to protect my student's anonymity. We encountered an interesting situation this weekend and I am not sure what to do......</p>

<p>My son was accepted to a very selective out of state public university. Several weeks ago we received an invitation to a picnic in our state hosted by the university's alumni. The invitation indicated that there would be lots of information provided that would be valuable for both parents and students, so we decided to attend thinking this would be another way for our student to feel more comfortable about the whole college transition thing and about being so far away from home. Son really did not want to give up one of the few remaining weekend days with his friends (he has attended a two other orientation/welcome events already), but we insisted. BIG MISTAKE. </p>

<p>After a short introduction by the four alumni and two current students (both sophomores); parents and students were separated so that the hosts could talk about "stuff the parents don't want to know about". I of course thought they were joking. Parents were left with the parents of one of the student hosts who gave us lots of valuable information on gaming the system to secure in-state tuition for our students in a year or two. </p>

<p>Students however were guided by all four alumni and the two student hosts in the finer arts of becoming a college student. Topics included: a lengthy conversation on the strategies/rules of beer pong; how to make hard cider from cheap apple juice; advice about not getting caught downloading porn, where they could expect to get served alcohol underage, etc. One alumnae told a student in the group with a very demanding major: "your f#$@%ed" a couple of times. Son says kid was visibly disturbed. </p>

<p>I am not naive; but I must say I am blown away that this happened at a quasi-university event. Three students that we know of were disgusted after the gathering; though we didn't get the details until we got in the car. My son is very upset and now is questioning his college decision. We have reassured him that at this medium sized school he will be able to find plenty of students he is comfortable "hanging" with, but he is not so sure. He and the other two students we spoke with briefly are really wondering if the party culture at this school is more than they bargained for. We researched colleges extensively. The only other school with a better program in his intended major is a HYPMS. Most private schools do not offer his major and he is not interested in changing schools (nor would we let him) based on this one incident anyway; but his enthusiasm for the upcoming escape from mom and dad has definitely taken a nose-dive over the weekend. </p>

<p>I am not even sure this was a sanctioned/official alumni activity; though I assume it was (lots of official university brochures were available). Two of the four alumni were 30ish--did they not think that ANY of the incoming students would fill their parents in? </p>

<p>Anyway, what should we do? Would you call anyone?</p>

2

<p>Wow. I can see why you are upset.
And I am not sure what I’d do – but I know I would do <em>something</em>.</p>

<p>I’m sure he will find his own group at college, and he will do just fine, when he gets there and gets involved, but this little summer sendoff did nothing for anyone’s confidence.</p>

<p>I wish the little darlings would realize that it’s NOT all about the parties, that it’s really all about the learning and the opportunities.</p>

3

<p>If there is an alumni association at the school, perhaps you could contact them and let them know what happened.</p>

4

<p>How upsetting! At least he confided in you and you could reassure him that there is a diversity at any college. I have had excellent success in dealing with problems without giving my student’s name at the parents office at the college that they attended. If there is such an office, you could discuss the situation with them and decide what to do. I would definitely report it as it is an experience that could hurt the college’s reputation in the future.</p>

5

<p>These events are often coordinated with a person in the office of alumni relations. We participated in a very nice similar event with DD before she left her freshman year and it was nothing like that. In addition to other avenues you might that office, the contact may well have been somewhere in the invitation, and let them know that the event was very inappropriate.</p>

6

<p>I think you got a very strong signal about what it is going to be like attending this college. Rather than assuming the event was an outlier, consider yourself warned. I would start thinking through strategies: how will your son avoid partiers when he wants sober fun? how will he find others interested in his major? will he be able to resist peer pressure if that is his intent? I would take this seriously. Contacting the alumni association or the parents office is not going to affect the school’s culture, and this may well have been an accurate representation of that culture.</p>

7

<p>I would call the Director of Admissions immediately as well as the Dean of Students and the head of the Alumni Office. This whole event was completely inappropriate and sounds very much like it was a non-sacntioned event posing as a university event. (I cannot believe that ANY school would sanction any event where people were directing you to game the system to pay the school less.)</p>

8

<p>I would not jump to any conclusions. I do think it is unfortunate that the “representatives” at this gathering thought it would be a good send off to talk about this type of “stuff”. I think it is a risk at most colleges that there is drinking and that quite a few students will imbibe under age. I think that HYPSM etc etc are NOT exempt from this either. However, students who choose to study will always find company, especially at a “very selective” out of state public school. </p>

<p>I really did not like it when the boys in my freshman dorm were drunk at 3 am and rolling beds down the hall and slamming them into the wall. I think I called security, but I won’t swear to it. That was at Cornell. Believe me when I say that not everyone (or most people) behaved like that. I never saw those guys again after freshman year. I suppose they lived in some animal house somewhere…I do think you can find those type of students almost anywhere.</p>

9

<p>I wouldn’t have my kid waste four years of his life at a school like that. If it’s a sanctioned alumni function then the kind of kids they are recruiting are not your son kind of school.</p>

<p>I don’t understand your statement about his major is so specific that it’s only offered at schools like HYPMS. Why? HYP are liberal arts school, anything they offer could be found at other schools. MIT is an engeneering school, and there are a lot of schools that offer engineering.</p>

<p>I would call the Director of Admission and Dean of Students to let them know that my kid wouldn’t be going and let them know why. I would then call the Governor’s office and tell them how this state school is wasting taxpayer’s money.</p>

10

<p>Cornell does not sponsor recruiting events like the one OP mentioned. Yes, every school will have partiers, but at a school like Cornell maybe the percentage is smaller. When a school openly teaches students how to party, then I would think there would be higher percentage of partiers going to that school, and it would harder for serious students to study.</p>

<p>This is similar to when parents are trying too hard to be cool and provide alcohol at their home for underaged kids. Would you want your kid to go to friend’s house whose parents behave like that?</p>

11

<p>Thank you for your replies. I will call someone at the school this week to make sure they know what happened. I would like to do it anonymously, but maybe that isn’t important? </p>

<p>Oldfort: I did not say that one of the HYPMS schools is the only other one to offer his major. I said that the only school that had a more highly ranked program in his intended major is at one of those schools.</p>

12

<p>A little bit off topic</p>

<p>

Unless it happens to be the University of Texas. (I hope this wasn’t the University of Texas!) The state of Texas has a relatively straight-forward system where if a student owns property and works a part time job/pay taxes in Texas, even for one year (July before freshman year to July after freshman year) and takes a few extra steps (there are details on line - but, say, you register to vote in Texas, switch your driver’s license to Texas, have parents stop claiming you as a dependent), you become a person who intends to live in Texas and become a Texas resident for tuition purposes. </p>

<p>The state really likes it when people buy property and pay payroll taxes (“establish a domicile in Texas”) and the state rewards students who do this with in-state tuition. It’s not considered cheating or gaming the system. There are staff members at the school who are available to answer questions on how to do this properly. We didn’t try this but it is not uncommon for out-of-state families who have the means to buy property. The student doesn’t have to buy the property himself or show that he is self supporting. This system is very different from what I’ve seen for other states.</p>

13

<p>I would call the admission’s dept TODAY and explain to them exactly what went on during the gathering. </p>

<p>There’s no need to be anonymous. Explain to your son that if what he heard at the bbq turns out to be an accurate picture of what life is really like on this particular campus, he will have your blessing to transfer elsewhere.</p>

14

<p>A terrible story, but it would be stupid to jump to any conclusions based on one group of jerky recent alum - probably a single group of local friends, no less. The truth is, these send off events are usually coordinated or assigned by the regional alumni representatives to willing local volunteers. The glitch here was obviously with the local rep and his or her familiarity with the volunteer. In 999 cases out of 1000, volunteers are dedicated and responsible alum and something like this would never occur. Here, it sounds like a small group of recent alum behaved extremely inappropriately. As unfortunate as this experience was for your S , in no way does it imply that these alum represent everyone. I would reassure your S that at a “very selective state school, with a program in your S’s major second to only HYPSM” he will no doubt be able to find all kind of people. </p>

<p>Absolutely the admissions office and the alumni liason to the regional alum rep need to be informed so that 1) these volunteers are not used for a function like this one again 2) better strategies for assigning these events can be initiated. The regional rep needs to either screen and train future volunteers or host them him or herself. I agree that there is no need to be anonymous. The school will appreciate your feedback, believe me.</p>

15

<p>If you’re still curious about the school, you can try the forum here for it (UMich, UCB, GaTech, UIUC, UCLA, UVA, UNC, and UT all have reasonably active forums, if it was one of those), and ask the members what they think about the drinking on campus.</p>

16

<p>I would be seriously disturbed by the behavior you describe. All of the college events I have ever attended emphasized the expectations of honor and dedication. Even if the remote possibilty exists that the alumni group was just trying to appear cool and in touch with the youth, they are seriously misguided. The behavior was deplorable! Why would they try to intimidate an accepted student regarding his choice of major?! Why would they implicitely condone substance abuse?! I agree with other posters that you should contact school officials immediately.</p>

<p>Even at schools with party reputations, there are diligent and goal-oriented students. Maybe you don’t need to worry yet. </p>

<p>When do classes begin for your son? At this point, what other choices do you have?</p>

17

<p>A group of 4 or 6 alumni shouldn’t change your mind about a whole University – particularly a group that was apparently trying to be too cool for their own good and showing off for the kids. Some people apparently have watched Animal House, Old School, and Van Wilder a few too many times</p>

<p>If this was a private non sanctioned event, take it for what it was and ignore those folks in the future. If this was some sort of sanctioned Alumni function then the University certainly would want to know about though I’m not sure how you can avoid implicating your student since it sounds like it was a pretty small gathering. </p>

<p>There was a reason that you chose the school to begin with. The academic reputation of the school hasn’t changed despite you running into a few numbskulls. I;m not sure there is way to avoid the Drunken idiots and partiers on any campus no matter what the reputation of the school, but even at Party School Number 1 on the list, there are plenty of people who don’t participate and find better ways to occupy their social time. Many of the former will weed themselves out quickly and won’t be back for spring semester or sophomore year.</p>

18

<p>“I wouldn’t have my kid waste four years of his life at a school like that”</p>

<p>You suppose students at Cornell do not do “beer pong”?
When we went up to ithaca for a vacation, before D2 applied there for transfer (presumably an unrelated event), we saw kids on a Collegetown porch doing something, and D2 immediately identified it as beer pong. I’d never heard of it before.</p>

<p>I don’t know what beer pong is, but she sure did, and so did they.</p>

<p>The kids are likely not “wasting four years of life” doing that, they are doing it socially on weekends, on occasion. Just like we did stuff when I was in college, except then the drinking age was 18. The United States stands nearly alone with its high drinking age standard, I’m not going to argue the merits but it is unrealistic to expect college students of that age and living on their own for the first time, in a campus environment where they are not driving,to fully comply with it. Goodness knows we wouldn’t have. It’s a social rite of passage, to an extent, for people at that age,stage and place in life.</p>

<p>I think you people are all uptight, frankly, sounds like they gave the kids advice that a lot of them will find useful. And no that does not mean they are set to blow up their classes, basically IMO most students do stuff like this to various extents. Including good ones. Big deal.</p>

<p>Now whether that should be part of the agenda of some school-sanctioned activity is quite another matter. Certainly not. But I wouldn’t have a problem with it, or feel any motivation whatsoever to “squeel”.</p>

<p>Parents you should have some faith in your kids, yes many will have some (puritanically speaking) illicit fun on occasion, but making decisions about such is part of growing up that they need to address. In any midsize to large school there will likely be all sorts of fellow students with all sorts of attittudes about such things, it should be quite possible to find fellow students there who share your kid’s values. Whether or not these wind up to be identical to yours.</p>

<p>I predict gracemore’s kid will experience a game or two of beer pong, or whatever, over the next four years. And be none the worse for it.</p>

19

<p>I think this is less about drunken idiots at the school, and more about the wisdom of the school that selects idiots like this to run their local meet & greet sessions. Unprofessional and creepy.</p>

<p>There are drunks on every campus. There are sober people on every campus. But I’ve never heard of school alumni, acting as agents of that school, behaving in such an unprofessional and creepy manner.</p>

<p>As I said, it’s speaks way more about the judgment of the school administration (or the character of these alumni if the school did not specifically hire them), than it does about the current student body. Ergo, the school should be notified. It’s unfortunate that these alum colored the school in such a negative fashion, and that’s specifically why the school should be notified. You’d be doing a good deed.</p>

20

<p>See post #14 - the school most definitely did not hand pick these “idiots.” The local alum rep assigned the event to a recent grad who volunteered for the job. The school may encourage local alum to host send offs but they are not official school sponsored events in any real sense at all.</p>