<p>My daughter is set to start college this year but is now regretting her decision. When it came time for her to fill out her college applications, she skipped over all her "dream schools" (all out of state, as she doesn't plan to live here anyway) and only applied to in-state schools, all of which she was accepted to. Her reasoning was that we didn't have the money to send her to a nicer school (people around here also tend to give odd looks to those considering an expensive school) and she also assumed that she wouldn't get in.
She has considered transferring after her first year, and I have encouraged that to an extent (this school was not her first choice), but have also told her that she should try to make the best of it.</p>
<p>I never went to college, so I am having problems relating. How should I comfort her now, only days before she starts school?</p>
<p>Tell her she's incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to go to college at all, this is the chance of a lifetime, she should take advantage of everything her college has to offer. Starting school with a plan to transfer is negative and self-defeating.</p>
<p>xcmom - I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I do think your instincts have already provided the right answer. Remind your D about the importance of fulfilling her commitments. You might also add that schools are much more likely to accept a prospective transfer student who is already doing well in college.</p>
<p>Thank you both for your opinions. I'm hoping that by second semester she'll have settled in and possibly made some new friends, since that's another one of her worries. (As much as I truly love her, I admit that she is quite socially awkward.)</p>
<p>^^It's completely normal to be nervous about going off to college, and to express that in regret about not making the right choice. However, going in with the right attitude is very important, I think. </p>
<p>Never in your daughter's life will she find people more eager to make friends than the first semester of her freshman year. Everyone is looking to make new friends, that's the fun of college. It is the chance of a lifetime.</p>
<p>20 years later, almost all my friends I still have from college I met my first week there. I think many other people have similar experiences.</p>
<p>Was your daughter correct to assume that you could not afford to send her to a nicer school? If you encourage her to transfer after the first year, make sure that this is possible, otherwise you are setting her up for another disappointment. </p>
<p>I agree that it is self-distracting and pointless to regret her previous decision; she has to look forwards and make the best out of the situation. She can consider transferring later depending on the circumstances, but now she must try adjusting academically and socially. Students choose their dream schools for various reasons that are not always rationale and I believe that most often they dont have enough information to decide what school would be best for them; your daughter may discover that her current school is just perfect for her. Good luck to both of you!</p>
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I believe that most often they don’t have enough information to decide what school would be best for them
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<p>I couldn't agree with this more. </p>
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your daughter may discover that her current school is just perfect for her
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<p>Or, perhaps, she'll discover that what's important is what she makes of her opportunities, and that's WAY more important than the specific school she attends.</p>
<p>You say she got into all of the in-state schools where she applied, but she isn't going to her first choice? Did she not apply to her first choice? I'm a bit confused, I guess.
What does she say are her main concerns? Is the school too close to home and too familiar? Do you feel she is just generally anxious about college, or is there some mis-match with her chosen college?
She'll have a hard time changing her attitude if she hasn't examined the basis for her feelings. Get her talking, encourage her to keep an open mind, and reassure her that she can certainly transfer next year if she still wants to- and the better her grades this year, the more transfer opportunities she will have. While I agree that the particular college is generally not as important as making the most of whatever is offered, I find this kind of reasoning with young adults often falls on deaf ears.</p>
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<p>20 years later, almost all my friends I still have from college I met my first week there. I think many other people have similar experiences.<<</p>
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<p>Agree with that. One acquaintance was given the advice by her mother that it was important to be friendly, open and outgoing in the first THREE days that she would be there at college. So she came down for breakfast after a party that she had gone to the night before, and instead of sitting by herself, she sat down next to a boy she had met briefly the night before at the party. You guessed it--they've been happily married for decades!</p>
<p>I think it is important to remember that most of the kids you will meet at college will have the same qualms about starting over in college. I think that it helps to try to make them feel wanted and more comfortable rather than concentrating on how unwanted and uncomfortable you feel. Think of it as a service project...</p>
<p>@TravelAddict - Yes, she was very correct to assume that I couldn't afford to send her to a nicer school. I am a single mother with a very small income. (Her EFC was zero and although her schooling is entirely paid for, it's all through scholarships and financial aid.)</p>
<p>All of her dream schools were in the Northeast, we used to live there and she prefers it over where we live now. That, and prestige are her main reasons for most of her dream schools (along with a love for old buildings), she's hoping to get into a good graduate school and is afraid that her current school will limit her options.</p>
<p>@cronie - Her first in-state choice was a private school. She received some scholarships and grants, but was afraid that it wouldn't be enough. Her other choices (which she liked more) we all out of state.
Her main concerns are the large number of people (she's very shy) and the fact that it's only an hour or so away from home. She was set on a smaller school farther away, as she has few desires to stay in this state after graduation.</p>
<p>@ellemenope - The only problem with just sitting down and talking to people is that my daughter refuses to do so. (She goes to a summer camp and in the many years she's gone, I've only seen her make 1 or 2 friends that she didn't know beforehand.) She's not much of a people-person and usually does poorly in social situations.</p>
<p>Oh, my, she's worried about grad school and she hasn't even started freshman year! Poor thing! She really should relax and take things one step at a time.</p>
<p>It is NOT true that you need to go to a prestigious undergrad college in order to get into an excellent grad program. You need to be a top student in whatever college you do go to, however- that's what's important. The school she's going to will not limit her options.</p>
<p>@cronie - She's actually been thinking of grad school since probably 10th grade and college even earlier. (At least 5th grade.) I have no idea why she's so...high-strung? I'm actually not sure if she knows how to relax, she's convinced that she's going to somehow be behind everyone else.
I'll tell her about not needing to be in a prestigious undergrad, maybe she'll listen if I say it come from someone else.</p>
<p>I'm sure there are plenty of parents on this board who can vouch for that statement about grad schools. Also,you can look at profiles of some of the professors in various departments in colleges all over the country, online. You'll see that there's a wide range of undergrad schools represented.</p>
<p>Remind your D that life is not a race (xc=cross country?) and to enjoy the journey!</p>
<p>Hopefully you can talk to her about having a positive attitude about attending her current college choice. Her graduate school options will not be limited by the choice of her undergraduate college. Going to a public college may be a good fit for a shy person. The students tend to be less clicky than in small private LAC's.</p>
<p>"Her reasoning was that we didn't have the money to send her to a nicer school (people around here also tend to give odd looks to those considering an expensive school) and she also assumed that she wouldn't get in."</p>
<p>I would also stress that in the future, she should have more faith in herself and go where her heart takes her (always within the limits of one's finances and other practical considerations, of course), regardless of what other people think of her choices.</p>
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<p>The only problem with just sitting down and talking to people is that my daughter refuses to do so.<<</p>
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<p>She is already worried about limiting her future options. Surely she must realize that her anti-social behavior in and of itself will limit her future options.</p>
<p>Going to a large in-state school can actually be a good thing for a shy person, I think.</p>
<p>The day your daughter arrives, she will already know some people. </p>
<p>There will certainly be other people there from her high school. And in all likelihood, she will also have a roommate. Soon, she will have met 1) the roommates of her former high school classmates, and 2) the former high school classmates of her roommate. Even without joining any extracurricular activities or making any particular effort, she will know people.</p>
<p>My son went to a huge state university in our own state, and he said that he was always running into people he knew -- sometimes, people that he didn't even realize were enrolled in that university. It was kind of like going to the shopping mall in our home town; he was always likely to recognize somebody.</p>