<p>I would be interested in hearing from any parents out there about how they are handling or have handled their student's rejection letters.</p>
<p>Are the students home to open the mail?</p>
<p>Is the news being shared freely?</p>
<p>How is the news being handled?</p>
<p>Do you have any ideas for best handling the rejection letter?</p>
<p>Any ideas for what NOT to do from past mistakes?</p>
<p>Thanks for the feedback.
xxx,Mary Anna</p>
<p>as a student who's gotten a few rejection letters, i can tell you my worst experience with it:</p>
<p>i recieved my first letter when i was away for the weekend. i came home and there was a bright pink note stuck to the door saying "MAGGIE -- LOOK ON THE TABLE." so i did. there was my letter. my grandmother, mother, stepfather, AND sister all stood around me while i opened it. it was (of course) not good news. </p>
<p>having my whole family standing around was absolutely awful -- i felt like i let all of them down simultaneously. please don't do that to your children. if they want you to be there when they're opening their letters, they'll let you know. otherwise, it's a really personal thing.</p>
<p>I agree with what sporti2005 said. I know that it is a big deal for the parents too, but in the end it's the student's life. Whatever you do, unless your child wants you to, DO NOT open the letter! Let them do it!</p>
<p>Sporti2005...thank you for sharing your worst experience...my heart goes out to you! I won't forget your story when my D gets her letters, which it seems certain everyone gets! I hope you can feel the big hug I am sending your way...</p>
<p>I've only had one rejection letter so far, from OCU's mt program, but it came the same day as the acceptance to theatre performance one, so it wasn't that bad. I'm expecting a few to come, now that I've finished my audition, but I feel like because I do have one acceptance, I won't feel so bad when the time comes. Except maybe for Emerson... </p>
<p>But yeah, I often get the mail from the mailbox, but I still recommend opening the letters in private. It's your future, not your family's.</p>
<p>Would any of you recommend keeping a rejection letter from the student until all auditions are over so as not to hurt self confidence?</p>
<p>Mary Anna, in a word -- NO!</p>
<p>Same answer...NO!</p>
<p>Well, OK, I'll try to do more than one word. While no parent enjoys seeing their child disappointed.....rejection letters from colleges are a part of this process. This is even more so when dealing with very selective colleges or BFA programs. A kid needs to be realistic going into this about the odds. I know my kids were. They didn't expect to "win" them all. They didn't take it as a personal affront to get a rejection letter. They just knew it was a realistic part of this process to receive some rejections. Each of my kids got one full rejection. Neither cried or got bent out of shape or lost confidence. Both KNEW this was a likely thing that was going to happen. The odds alone make it so. They knew it didn't mean they were not "good enough", not when we are dealing with in one child's case, an Ivy that accepted 9% in the RD round or a BFA program that accepts 5%. One D got deferred at Yale and eventually did not get accepted. The other D got rejected at UMich's BFA program. Neither child pinned her hopes on ONE particular college but made sure to really like all the schools on their list. Granted, they had favorites but it was not ONE singular school. In both instances, the one rejection they received was ONE of their favorites but not their only favorite. I'm sure they felt disappointment but it didn't last more than a day. They definitely did not get bent out of shape over it. They knew this was going to happen. </p>
<p>I can't imagine keeping a rejection letter from a kid. It is not my place to do so and it is their mail anyway. This is their life. They are about to go live as adults. Disappointments are part of real life. And for kids going into a professional life in theater, rejections are a HUGE part of this life. Time to learn how to deal with it. Of course, as a parent, you've spent your parent life trying to shield a child from hurt or pain or disappointment, etc. But this is not that time. You can't control their outcome. And they can't totally control it either. But they DO have to deal with it. And frankly, their confidence should not be totally shaken by a rejection letter because they should be FULLY aware going into this that rejection letters ARE going to be part of this process. Make sure the child has an appropriate college list so that he/she is going to get in SOMEwhere. Where that is, is out of our hands. Be there to support them through thick and thin. But thick and thin is definitely a part of the college admission process, the life of an actor, and part of life in general.</p>
<p>EDIT: Originally I quickly just posted "NO" but then decided to explain my "short answer". While I was doing so, other posts went up, cross posting with my editing of my post. But now that I have read them, I completely agree with Freelance's wisely worded post, but hadn't seen it before I wrote mine.</p>
<p>How would we know it was a rejection letter if we didn't open it? lol! I don't think I would hide it (if I accidently held it up to a light bulb) til the END of all auditions, but I would wait if she had one coming up that weekend, til after the weekend? Perhaps, but I didn't have to. Really! :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Rejection; however devastating, no matter how tough--it is a part of this business. These youngsters will face it now and later--many times over. There is absolutely no use putting off these letters. What if they get several?
It is hard to watch these kids go through this. But sugarcoating reality will not help at all.</p>
<p>It is better that they learn a coping mechanism for dealing with such matters. It is part of growing up and part of life itself.</p>
<p>My D would have KILLED me if I'd opened her letters, or withheld one for "timing" purposes. Additionally, receiving a rejection may make a student reflect on whether there is something they can improve upon the next time out</p>
<p>just a suggestion that i thought of now --</p>
<p>if he/she doesn't normally, you might want to consider letting your S/D get the mail during the "waiting for letters" process. most of them will probably be chcking the mailbox every 2 seconds anyway, but that way THEY'LL get the letter and they'll open it on THEIR OWN TIME. </p>
<p>and absolutely don't keep a rejection letter from your kid. first of all -- that menas you looked at it before they did, which i think is just mean. but second of all, the suspense will be worse and the hopes will get higher. it's just not a good idea all around.</p>
<p>maggie</p>
<p>ps - MTheaded, thanks. these were all rejections from last year, so i've WAY gotten over them now!! at this point i'm just waiting for my one letter, and i know exactly when it's coming, so i just have the suspense until then. but thanks for the hug via CC :)</p>
<p>Wellllll,</p>
<p>I must admit to using my boardlight I use for artwork to see inside the envelopes when they came. My guys knew it too....I think they understood as to why though. As a mother of twins going jumping through the hoops I wanted <em>myself</em> to be prepared.</p>
<p>Eee-gads!! Then there was the day when they received notice from one particular school....one got a big envelope and the other a small (an acceptance and a waitlist notice). Well, it's going to happen....and we threw our hands up in the air and greeted Mr. Reality.</p>
<p>SUE aka 5pants</p>
<p>Well I've gotten two letters: one of rejection and one of acceptance. </p>
<p>the acceptance was a huge envelope, but that was probably becuase it was early decision so that had all my financial aid and such</p>
<p>rejection: thin envelope, with one sheet of paper in it, and it was barley sealed (my parents didnt open it, as i personally got it out of the mail box</p>
<p>so on the whole: rejection was thinner than acceptance</p>
<p>chris</p>
<p>My earlier post was answering Mary Anna's post #6 but I didn't ever respond to the initial question. But on that topic, I would never open my child's college admissions decision letters without them! They are theirs to open, unless for some reason the child has specified otherwise. If I brought mail in midday while they were not home, I left it for them to open. Our mailbox is at the end of a very long dirt drive. I recall D2 driving by the mailbox one day on her way home and walking into the house beaming and saying, "guess what??" and telling me she got into PSU which she opened in her car. Other times, mail was waiting for them on the table. </p>
<p>For my older D, several of her colleges notified online on April 1 at 5 PM. I remember that I wasn't going to be home because I had to take the younger D to dance classes which are 25 miles away and so I had to stay. I knew older D was going to get home at about 6 PM and be checking and I hated to miss the "moment" but my husband was here. My whole drive back to town I kept wondering what the results were. I walked in the door and my D was beaming....she got into two of her top choices and was rejected at one (and that hardly mattered because the acceptances offset the one rejection). It was such a happy moment though I wish I was there at THE moment but then again, too nervewracking. </p>
<p>Younger D....one school, Syracuse, had a faculty member call to tell her of the acceptance before it came in the mail so she was home to take that call and that was a neat thing. There were three times when she wanted a parent to open the letters (again ONLY by her directive as our understanding was that SHE would open all her college mail). Once was when she applied EA to Emerson. She knew the letter was likely coming on a particular day and was going to wait to see what happened later in the day when coming home. However, a close friend at school, the only other kid applying for a BFA, and who also applied EA to Emerson (for my D this was her first notification but not for this other girl), drove home during lunch to get HER mail and came back to school and told my D she got in (though only later found out she got into Emerson but was deferred for the BFA....but this did not come out initially at school), so my D calls me from school and says, "Mom, I know I told you to not open anything and wait until I come home but I'm just dying to know...please drive to the mailbox and tell me what I got. " I kept saying, "you sure???" and she said yeah, she couldn't stand to wait. So, I did and I go to the mailbox and find the so called big fat envelope and I'm thinking, phew, good news. She calls me back and tells me to open it. I open it and it is all that "congrats, you are accepted to Emerson" and all this other stuff in a big folder, for accepted students. So, I do this while she is on the phone and I'm like "you got in!!" and I kept reading the form style letter and later I come to this part about being deferred until all auditions are done in April for the BFA program itself. I had no idea such an outcome was possible...I just figured there was accept, deny, or defer, but did not know there was accepted to the college but deferred for the BFA. I felt really badly to have excitement in my voice about getting in. On the other hand, she did get into college and this was the first school she heard from and a deferral for the BFA was not all that bad as they only took a handful in the early round. But it was a weird situation on the phone! </p>
<p>Next decision came in the mail the day I was in NYC with her for her NYU/Tisch audition. Dad was back home. After the NYU audition, I left on a train home and D stayed to spend the night in the city with friends. I get a call on the train from my D in NYC. Apparently Dad told her some mail came from Ithaca and she then asked him to open it for her. She got in and was calling to tell me the news. Again, a situation where the kid asks the parent to open it. </p>
<p>Last one where she didn't literally open the envelope....she was in the hospital for ten days and I was staying there 24/7 with her. Dad was going home at night. She was on morphine, in traction, not in good shape. Dad goes home and sees mail from NYU. Calls her in hospital to tell her something came. She begs him to open it. It is the invitation to Saturday in the Square for Tisch which is the precursor to getting the admissions letter a week or so later. I'm watching her take this call and she shrieks and starts crying tears of joy. The nurse runs in and asks if she is OK and I have to say, yes, more than OK, she just got news of getting into her first choice school, great medicine. </p>
<p>So, as you can see, while our understanding is that our children are to open their own college decisions and for the most part they did, there were a few situations where they were not home but asked us to open it while they were on the phone. But I would never open such mail without their consent. Like MusThCC, my kids would kill me if I opened it and surely kill me for holding it for timing purposes. This really is THEIR process and their mail.</p>
<p>Generally, if it's a skinny letter with one sheet of paper, it's probably bad news. At least that's what I've always assumed and found to be true. I learned to just let her open the mail and deal with it in her own way. She really handled it better than I did. </p>
<p>But, who knows, someone may get surprised with one like that and find good news inside! We've certainly had our time dealing with the bad. But, as everyone has said over and over, there ends up being a reason for it all. Sometimes you don't know what that is for quite some time. But, it usually reveals itself eventually and somehow you do realize what it's all about. We now have a real peace and excitement about the future. But, this time of year can be very, very hard. I wish for you all to find at least one letter that you can rejoice over.</p>
<p>Ok, as someone who has gotten 3 rejections and 3 acceptances, my personal feeling is that I want to know either way what the decision is. I know that when my UM rejection came my mom was home and when I got home with my dad she told me, in a casual way "there's a letter from Michigan upstairs on your bed", like she wasn't dying to know the results when I knew she was. It wasn't opened (or I would've freaked out. I'd say 90% of the time, us kids want to know the results first!:)) My parents of course both came in and were liek open it! open it! but I asked them to leave so I could find out first, and they did, and then I just told them no, and they did the whole "it's ok, the chances are so slim, etc" deal, which was fine and I was over it. I definitely recommend never showing any signs that you are disappointed in yoru kid. My parents didn't really, but I think that some of us, at least I know this applies to me, feel that we let them down anyway, even if we know they're always proud of us no matter what, blah blah:P The thing is, you go through the whole audition process together, and I think that sometimes if parents are like "You didn't get it?! Aww darn it!" it could make the kid feel like they let them down, rather than the fact that the parent is sharing in their disappointment. I know I wouldn't want my parents to be down about a rejection even if I was, beacuse then that would make it seem like a double let-down.
For good things to say, I'd like to throw out the ever popular "everything happens for a reason" and "you'll end up where you're meant to be, and everything will work out the way it's supposed to". Makes you not feel as bad about whatever news.</p>
<p>As far as opening the letter before your kid or hiding the news or letter from them, I'd say that's a definite NO. I know a kid whose mom did this with him at Ithaca last year for music performance, and then called the school and asked why and such, and hid the letter until way past the date so the kid knew it must have come. When he finally found out he was furious and felt like he couldn't trust her and like she didn't believe in him enough to let him deal with this. There's no use preventing your kid from seeing it, it's going to come sooner or later and they're going to have to deal with it. The only reason to do this, and I'm not even sure about this, but maybe if your kid has an audition at a top school that they love, or their 1st choice or something, and their confidence isn't all there, and you're pretty sure they just got a rejection...then maybe keep it until after that 1 audition coming up. But only if it's soon, like withink a week, and even then I'm not sure. I think the old saying of 'honesty is the best policy' is probably the best thing here, but it's really up to everyone what they chose to do.</p>
<p>I made a huge mistake a couple of years ago and opened my son's acceptance letter from Uni of Oregon. It was a skinny little envelope that came in early March. I thought it was more paperwork that he had no interest in, I still feel terrible about that.
Now I just give my D a hige pile of mail daily and she can open it in the study. I don't have her take it out of the room or it may disappear into a black hole, never to reappear!</p>
<p>I say, let the kid get the mail. When one works full time, like I do, a teenager who drives would always get home first to get the mail, anyway. There have been times, though, when envelopes arrived when he was out of pocket or out of town. We would call him to ask if he wanted us to open it and read it to him. After permission, we would open it. I think this policy is good regardless of what the letter says.</p>
<p>I have always let my D open her mail or I open it for her and call her immediately. She wants to know and I think that it is important that they learn from the beginning how to handle the lows as well as the highs. My D and I have talked about this and she has friends whose parents keep information from them until "the show is over", or "until all auditions are done". She said she would feel very betrayed if I did that. If they know right away which cards they are playing with then they can immediately react and change their perspective and start moving forward. Albeit, this is not an easy thing to witness, and I think sometimes I am more upset than D!!</p>