Hello all,
I am in need of some advice. As a second year undergraduate student, i have been struggling to get along with my parents. i just moved in early on campus for a job, and i received two LONG text messages from my parents saying i never text them where i am at (because the night they moved me in i went off campus to my boyfriend’s house and forgot to text them when i got back to my dorm) and they called me selfish and ungrateful for all that my parents have done for me and i never thank them and that i need to “pull my head out of my ass.” i have texted them back apologizing and tried to call them, and they will not answer their phones. I understand where they are coming from, but being a distance away from home and starting off the year on bad terms has really taken a toll on me. From outside perspective, do you think this argument will blow over? When my parents are ready to talk, i plan to apologize for not being grateful enough and to be more diligent about texting them in the future, because all i see that i can do is apologize and try to be better, i cannot change the past. Does anyone else struggle with this? It has had me upset all day long!!!
It’s very childish and manipulative for them to ignore your calls. I’d send one more text like “Sorry again for not texting you the other night. I’ll be more diligent in the future, as you know I always have been in the past. I have to focus on my job and getting ready for classes, so give me a call when you’re ready to talk.”
It is hard sometimes to find a balance with parental communication. It’s not unreasonable to check in, but they have to give you space, too. But it sounds like you’ve already been living away from them for a year - is this a recurring problem or literally a one time argument based on not texting them on the first night?
This is a rough transition time, not only for kids, but for their parents. When you are under their roof, they are supporting you but have a certain amount of control. When you are out of the house and supporting yourself, you are no longer their financial responsibility and not under their control. The rub is when you are at college: they’re paying, but have little to no control. You want to be treated more like an adult, but they carry the purse strings. You love them and they love you, but the power in the relationship is shifting, and it’s awkward for everyone.
I 100% agree with @rebeccar with regard the suggested response to them. They are not modelling the behavior they want to see from you but are trying to make you feel as neglected and worried as they did. First, you’d rather go back to school early vs. stay home with them for the remainder of the summer. Then, you make them worry when you don’t let them know you are back safely in your dorm from being out at night. When our children are apart from us, we parents get all kinds of crazy ideas in our heads - have patience. I expect it will blow over shortly - they will miss hearing from you too much. If you don’t have rules about when and why you will check in with them, get them set up with them when they eventually communicate with you again. That sets everyone’s expectations. Hang in there!
Its been ages since I was a college student, but I remember something of a struggle with my mom about the frequency with which I checked in. Like your situation, she wanted me to call more than I did. But I was playing a sport and busy with school work and trying to have a social life. (I am so glad texting was not a thing back then, because I think people tend to expect a more immediate response when they text you, and if you don’t answer as immediately as they expect, they tend to feel ignored.) What worked out well for us was scheduling a regular time when I would call and talk to her for 20 minutes or so, if I remember correctly, it was every Sunday at 830 pm. My mom would have liked more frequent contact, and I understand that now (I didn’t then) as I get ready to send my first born off to college in another year and start to think about how much I am going to miss hearing his voice every day. But I think knowing that she would hear from me once a week, and knowing when she would hear from me, helped a lot.
I agree with those above who suggest that you set up a plan with your parents, so they know when they will hear from you. When I was in college the plan was call once a week. If your parents are expecting you to let them know your whereabouts multiple times a day, I think that is excessive. Come to an understanding with them, but let them know that this is stressing you out, and that you need to know that you have their support so that you can focus on your studies.
OP, thought you might be interested in this thread - it’s your same issue, but from the parent’s perspective:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/ask-dean-topics/2007534-does-your-child-meet-your-text-pectations-p1.html