<p>Are any parents out there kind of relieved to have your kid gone again? From K-12th grade I never could relate to the parents over summer break who couldn't wait until their kids were back in school. Okay, okay. Now, I get it!</p>
<p>My college kid comes back smug and big for his britches. Argumentative. Demanding. A new taste for the "finer things" in life and critical of the way we've always lived (had to live). Meanwhile, I struggle to make ends meet more than ever before so he can go to school. He's critical of me and critical of his siblings. We all have so much to learn, and he has so much to teach us.</p>
<p>That last week, I was counting down the minutes. I absolutely could not wait to be rid of him! Of course, after seeing him off to school, I feel a little confused and sad. I miss him. But it's more like I miss the guy he used to be. I'm relieved to be rid of the guy that caused so much summer strife. His sibs are glad to have him gone too.</p>
<p>There were definitely moments of sweetness and maturity this summer. Lots of them, I suppose. But they were repeatedly overridden by the many moments of criticism and instruction and entitlement and demands.</p>
<p>Now, with him back at school, I feel sad for the opportunity lost, sad about how he's turning out, sad about my role in it (I'm the parent, right?), sad about some of the things I said. I also feel angry. And though I miss him (the nice version of him), I'm also glad he's gone.</p>
<p>Ironic. Prior to college, I couldn't relate to the masses of parents who couldn't wait to have their kids back in school. During college, I can't relate to all the OP's who are so sad to see their kids go back to school. Somehow, I got out of sync! ;-)</p>
<p>(((((SimpleLife))))). Your “nice” son will return eventually. Kids often feel the need to rebel against the values with which they’ve been raised. It doesn’t mean he’s turned out poorly. It means he’s questioning things and trying to figure them out for himself. It’s normal and healthy, but it’s very difficult not to take it personally! Hang in there!</p>
<p>Agree - he’s seeing things you never exposed him to - for better or worse, for whatever reason. He’s testing just like he was at 2 and 3 years old. He’ll figure it all out and wind up right back where he started, mostly. Just more mature because he figured it all out by himself!</p>
<p>Thanks, footballmom and amtc. I sure hope he “returns.” And funny you should reference when he was 2 and 3 years old. I thought so many times over the summer … “My gosh! It’s like he’s 2 all over again!” Impulsively demanding. Wants what he wants when he wants it. Tries to be “the boss of me” (and all his sibs). I have spent the summer shaking my head, like “What the heck has happened here???”</p>
<p>It’s his first summer between college years. Maybe next summer will be better?</p>
<p>He goes to a school with a reputation for all its rich kids. He’s on full-tuition scholarship. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be there. I’ve spoken up in defense of that school so many times – people tend to think of it as full of spoiled, rich kids. My son and I didn’t pick up on that during the college search, or during his first year there. Rich? Yes. Absolutely true for lots of them. Not all of them. Spoiled? Not that we saw. Nasty, or mean, or snobby? Not at all. Really. We thought and still think they’re friendly, thoughtful, nice. At least the kids my son has known and befriended. And now … after one year there … my son IS one of those! Except HE’s not rich AT ALL! (Meaning, I’M not rich at all!) He just has the attitude that he should be. And I am living, as you noticed footballmom, the SIMPLE life. </p>
<p>So what gives? Is this a completely unexpected fall-out from sending my kid to a notoriously rich school? Or is my kid just a poop for the time being and the rest is just coincidence? Or is my kid now a poop for life?</p>
<p>They go off to school where everything is about “me”. “My” schedule, “my” social life, “my” decision when or when not to do things, etc. And, they learn to kind of like that. They come home and try to get in the mix of a home life with other people and it often just doesn’t work so well! I guess it’s a stage of independence - but we were also sure this summer to let our “offender” - who was not impolite, but who just seemed to be totally on her own schedule and not always thinking of the “family unit” - know when she was out of line or that we too, have tailored our life to not be waiting for her whims or schedule to accomodate us.</p>
<p>I have one who just started law school (and graduated from a “rich” school) and one who is going into his senior year (and attends a “rich” school.) We’re not rich.</p>
<p>It’s an ongoing process. You’ll never get the same kid back, and that’s good, because they are heading toward adulthood.</p>
<p>We have to change, too, and I found it very difficult at times.</p>
<p>It all works out. I still love them, and they still love me, but neither me nor our family is the center of their lives any more, which is how it should be.</p>
<p>I try to stop myself from remembering how I viewed my mom at the age they are at because I still think I’m cool. Hey, I went to Woodstock!</p>
<p>I was an Affirmative Action admit who was very very fortunate to be able to attend a private LAC. The environment there was so foreign to anything I had known prior. It really opened my eyes. It also helped me realize how comparatively deficient my education had been up to that point. However, that didn’t prevent me from being full of hubris when I returned home.</p>
<p>When I came home on break I vented to my mother about how disappointed I was that neither she or my father did more to improve the quality of my k-12 education. I went on about how I was just beginning to learn about things my new peers took for granted. I talked about how they lived, the advantages they had, etc. </p>
<p>I don’t know how I could have thought there would be any other result after saying all that, but I really hurt her feelings. She didn’t show it right away – she was not the emotional type – but over time she revealed how much those comments hurt her feelings. She had done everything she possibly could for me, raised me well, kept me safe, made sacrifices, supported my interests. And there I was telling her she hadn’t done enough, that I was embarrassed and disappointed because of it. There I was complaining about our lack of sophistication. </p>
<p>It took a little while, but over time I realized how stupid and ignorant I was about that. I realized how ungrateful I must have seemed. I was going through a major paradigm shift at a young age and wrongly blamed my parents for the necessity of having to do so. I apologized, but every once in a while, even years later, subtle references still crept into conversation. I’ve never stopped regretting it. To this day I wish I could take it back. It still bothers me to realize how insensitive I was to my parents then. </p>
<p>Perhaps your son is going through something similar. With time he will likely come to know better. He will learn how to put his new experiences into better perspective. It takes time to mature.</p>
<p>It certainly sounds “typical.” Having an adult child in the house is very difficult. The is especially hard when he/she is a new adult and has not yet learned adult behavior. I’m sure that this good kid that you raised will learn tolerance, empathy, and grace. His judgemental behavior is probably his way of telling you he’s different than you and how he was as a kid.</p>
<p>I think it’s great when college students can find work and/or other opportunities for the summer away from home. I was jumped on for this opinion in another thread way back when supporting parents who did not want their child home for the summer. My S is home for 48 hours after his summer job half a country away and before he goes to school. He is a joy to have around but doubt I would think so after a whole summer.</p>
<p>Since my D will be attending a “rich school,” I am interested to know whether everyone thinks such behavior is more pronounced at such a school.</p>
<p>I came from a low income working class family, in a world where higher education was an anomaly. Going to university, I was exposed to an entirely different world- from the kinds of people to the kinds of lifestyles, to the ideas I had never encountered before. It was both exhilarating and stressful. </p>
<p>Straddling class differences was a particular challenge for me (heck, even realizing there were class differences was discombobulating!). I still find straddling two worlds a bit of a challenge, but at 18, 19, whilst also finding my own identity, it was gigantic. It can bring out all kinds of temporary feelings and behavior. </p>
<p>Coping with differences need not be just about money. Going from rural to urban, simple to ‘rich’, conservative to liberal, provincial to worldly, all white to ethnically diverse. That is the cool thing about college. But I think it can bring out the worse in some (while they make sense of it all and re-find themselves and in particular, their relation to each environment).</p>
<p>I had the opposite experience of many on this thread- going to “poor school” from the very appearence-focused, “faux rich” suburb where I went to high school (neither my parents nor I liked the culture of the suburb much, which is probably why they have since moved out of it). It was odd being the one of the only people among my friends not working (I had a full tuition-plus merit scholarship and did work part-time my junior and senior years), and it was definitely a cultural adjustment, even if I preferred my university’s culture. Your S is probably going through the feeling of being one of the only people without (seemingly) unlimited money and all that goes with that, and it’s probably awkward and unsettling for him. <em>hugs</em></p>
<p>I was also one of those full FA student at a very rich LAC. I grew up in a town where most people had similar income (middle class), and I didn’t really think we were that “poor” until I went off to college. My parents did not allow us to speak down to them or been disrespectful. They made sure we appreciated what we had in life. When I was younger, I was resentful and wish my family had more money. But as I got older, I appreciated the fact my parents didn’t allow us to lose our moral center and behave badly.</p>
<p>SimpleLife - I understand why your son feels/acts the way he does, but I think it’s ok for you tell him that it’s not acceptable and why. He may not listen to you initially or even want to argue with you, but over time it will sink in. If you don’t at least set your boundary and rules when he is home, then you are not helping him in becoming a better person. I would have a discussion with him about proper behavior before he comes home next time.</p>
<p>You all had such good things to say! Every one of you hit the nail on the head in some form or another. Collectively, you’ve shed light on how my son must be feeling, or why he might be behaving that way, or why it may be within the realm of “to-be-expected” while he “finds his way.” I felt myself softening and relaxing as I read your posts. At 19, he IS still growing up and finding his way. It doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it does explain it. I’ve felt so disappointed in him lately and have felt confused.</p>
<p>FLVADAD, you brought tears to my eyes. Talk about an honest, all-out-there response. Thanks so much for sharing. It’s enlightening and refreshing to hear about your past perspective as a youngster, particularly when it’s juxtaposed to your perspective now, many adult years later. Your post really touched a soft spot.</p>
<p>Likewise to all of you, really.</p>
<p>GTalum, over the summer I kept thinking that we’d have a happier, more emotionally healthy summer if we could spend a little less time together. You would get no argument from me for your ‘summer away from home’ proposal! And you hit the nail on the head regarding what it seems he has (temporarily?) lost: tolerance, empathy, and grace. </p>
<p>Lest anybody get the wrong idea … my expectations about all these things did not go unsaid. I stated clearly, on several occasions, what specifically was unacceptable and why it was unacceptable. This son was raised with these concepts and reminded of them while he was at home. But he seemed to have his young mind made up for much of the summer that I was no longer worthy of a whole lot of respect – except when he deemed that I was! When so deemed, he was a joy. I felt alternately hurt and angry over much of his behavior. I kept thinking, “What the heck happened?!”</p>
<p>All of you have illuminated one piece of the puzzle or another. It’ll be okay. I was just feeling pretty confused. Missing him and sad, also relieved that he’s gone. And when I came to CC to see if anybody else had written of the same sorts of issues, I couldn’t find anybody who had! Everybody else seemed to be plain, ol’ missin’ their babies! I was almost ashamed to confess that I had mixed feelings.</p>
<p>My H told me that when he was around 19, he felt very critical of his mother. For him it wasn’t so much a matter of class so much as the accumulation of new experiences and new perspectives. He felt impatient with her ways and questioned her values. This really didn’t have anything to do with his upbringing. Of course, he got over himself eventually, but I’ve never forgotten him telling me this. It gave me perspective when our own son turned that age. I felt like I knew what was going through his mind and that it wouldn’t last forever. And it didn’t.</p>
<p>d grad in june 09, no job yet, attitude getting worse. just wish she was going back to school but she spent the money we saved getting worthless BA from a “rich” LAC. too late smart.</p>
<p>No, we missed our D., she went back on Saturday. Grandkids who we are having for one more week are missing their aunt also. She has helped us a lot with them and she enjoyed it too. Good thing to keep in mind for us is that she said that she had a very nice summer at home, the last one as Undergrad. In few weeks / months we will know where she will end up going to Grad. School. Spring will be hectic: moving out, moving in.</p>
<p>Every parent I know is relieved that their kid is going back to school. Most parents say that they just can’t take the attitude anymore but most just got accustomed to living life without the kid around. This was a strange year for us in that our daughter moved out just as our graduating college student moved back in and our other two sons stayed up at their apartment this summer. I really miss the other two but when they are home we enjoy them for the two days that they are here. Last summer they drove us mad with their friends here all the time and the kitchen always a mess. We never had hot water and the washing machine always had clothes in it. Now I miss all of that. </p>
<p>All of our kids attended schools that had many wealthy kids. I remember telling all of our kids before they went off to school that if they ever got heads that were too big to fit in the door than I would be very disapointed in them for forgetting how lucky they were. Fast forward…not one of our kids has ever made us feel like that intentionlly but there were a few times when we heard things that did make us feel like they wished they had more. I never had a problem telling any of them that I look forward to the day when we could see them have it all. They know that we mean that and they know we have done our best. Just give your son a little reminder now and then…that should reel him back into reality and help his head come to normal size again.</p>
<p>By the way I really like your poster name…a simple life is less complicated.</p>
<p>I like this thread. I was a bit obnoxious when I went back home a few times…after being in college in a large city, to go home to our small town (it wasn’t a college small town, either…it was just small, conservative, and run-down) was a real let-down. I’m sure I was full of myself. It’s not an uncommon phenomenon!</p>
<p>Mark Twain was right on the money (I couldn’t find this quote so I’ll attempt to recall it). He said something about when he was 19 he was sure his father didn’t know anything. When he was 24 he was amazed at how much the old man had learned in 5 years.</p>
<p>SimpleLife, I could have written your post. Thanks for putting it out there. I have no wisdom, I just keep telling myself “this too shall pass.” I have been using those words as my mantra for a while now and it works for me.</p>
<p>To clarify with regards to my first post, my family isn’t wealthy, nor (I think) were a sizeable amount of people in our previous suburb. But, that being said, there was/is a good portion of the population there who tend(ed) to flaunt money or material goods frequently, and I imagine going to a college with a similar culture might be a bit of shock for a kid who wasn’t used to that type of culture.</p>
<p>Well, I’ve been posting in the ‘OMG, my baby is leaving threads’. But with a week and two days left until his move in day, he’s starting to get really antsy and driving me nuts. I think I will be glad, after all. :)</p>
They come home and try to get in the mix of a home life with other people and it often just doesn’t work so well! I guess it’s a stage of independence - but we were also sure this summer to let our “offender” - who was not impolite, but who just seemed to be totally on her own schedule and not always thinking of the “family unit” - know when she was out of line or that we too, have tailored our life to not be waiting for her whims or schedule to accomodate us.</p>