<p>anneroku: Thanks; nice post, it summarize quite well our family need.</p>
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<p>Yes, we know a lot of parent whoes sons/daughters have gone out of state or city to colleges but all had another child in school or nearby making it difficult for them to move. That is why none of those parent actually objected the way people did on CC.
Everybody said they would do if it is possible to achieve.</p>
<p>It is like sending her to this prep high school. All parent we know would like to send their children to this school if they can afford to. Similarly they say they would like to be close to their children college if it is possible.</p>
<p>We worked very hard all these year to make it possible for us to move to any place where ever D matriculate. If the economy have not nose dived in last 6 - 8 months; I won’t have any issue moving as I really covered all my basis and was prepared to move.
Now I’m just a bit shaky given the economy outlook.</p>
<p>What would happen if you said, “Sure, we can move to the East Coast… AFTER the economy recovers. For at least the next year, however, we BOTH need to stay here.”?</p>
<p>In a worst case scenario- how would you fare if the economy gets even worse? It sounds like right now you might be able to swing a move- what about if your savings fell even further? And real estate went even worse?</p>
<p>Ah, but it’s also 1.) to see whether D stays at MIT; 2.) to let D get established there, as freshman year is so intense, and the COLLEGE advises against her leaving campus every weekend (and for that, you should contact a college adviser at the school; I’d be shocked if such a person thought leaving campus every weekend to babysit Mommy was a good idea). </p>
<p>And so what if you’re chickening out? You’re seeing people all around you losing their jobs! How long can you pay for MIT if you are out of work for two years?</p>
<p>the reason why majority of us on this board reacted the way we did is NOT simply because your family decided to be together where your D goes to school.</p>
<p>We are reacting this way because of things like the following:</p>
<p>(1) W declaring that she wants to live forever within 50 miles of D
(2) parents chasing the HS Daughter’s around her summer activities and locations - sounds like stalking, very creepy
(3) wife willing to be separated from/even willing to divorce husband to be near adult daughter
(4) W’s expectation that her college age daughter should spend every weekend and more with her, rather than leading her own independent life. AND W throwing a tantrum when it is pointed out to her that this is not a realistic expectation.</p>
<p>All these combined paint a rather disturbing picture of what your W is up to. The fact that she wants to completely dominate your daughter life and refused to acknowledge that her forming a primary attachment with the daughter NOT the husband is going to be terrible barrier for your D’s healthy transition into the adulthood.</p>
<p>Even if the economic problems magically disappear, you still have these underlying issues to deal with. This is NOT a normal parent/child relationship, regardless of which culture it is from… The mother’s total unwillingness to acknowledge the fact that her child is an independent being with her own life to manage spells major trouble to most of us: that’s why majority of us are alarmed.</p>
<p>Please, no excuse based on cultural difference. All the people in her and your families who support your W’s idea of relocation probably are not privy to all the things you gradually disclosed on this board as the thread evolved. On the surface, if you said, “on occasion of D going to the east coast school, and parents’ with decent career plans etc there we are thinking about relocation”, I would have also said “Good luck to you”</p>
<p>If all of your relatives thought it was fine and dandy that your wife separates from/divorces you to be near the young adult daughter, then you have some really strange relatives…</p>
<p>My prediction is that you’re going to do what you’ve been doing all along. You’ll move because that’s what your wife wants. Your desires and your daughter’s desires have never been the priority in this relationship. It’s all about your wife. Funny thing is that she’s not the only one to blame in this strange relationship. You’ve surrendered to the fact that your feelings don’t have any meaning. Your daughter’s spirit has been broken and she has learned that she has no say in own life. Your daughter has learned that the only way to make her Mom happy is to submit and never express an opinion that may be contrary to her mother’s opinion. By watching your behavior over the years, your daughter has learned that her Mom’s happiness takes priority over all else. She’s bound to repeat the cycle–she’ll give into everyone in her life to make them happy without any regard for her own feelings. If you want to give your daughter any chance at breaking the cycle, allow her the freedom to move away from your wife’s control and begin her own life. Until the three of you sit down and have the first honest discussion in your lives, things won’t change.</p>
<p>I think that your wife is blackmailing you emotionally, and you have given your chlld far too much power in this family. You have sacrificed so much for your wife’s and daughter’s happiness. You have spoiled them. You really have little control over the decisions that will be made. Your wife is going to go east. Period. Your daughter does not want mom to be there with nothing else to do but live vicariously, or have no other focus than daughter–so she wants you to come and keep mom off her back. You have put your wife and daughter on a pedestal. Now they call the shots. In the process, you “work” for them and their happiness. You have been so successful in making your daughter’s college dreams and your wife’s relocation dreams come true that they cannot imagine that you might not have the financial resources to do this. You are being manipulated. How long you continue to have your strings pulled is up to you. This is no longer just a cultural thing. This is your world. Welcome to it. </p>
<p>Time to sit down as a family and help everyone involved understand the 2009 financial reality of where you stand, of how each decision at this point will effect today, tomorrow and four years from now. Time to speak up while you still can.</p>
<p>POIH – have you discussed the idea of having your wife visit a lot during the first semester and then buying/renting a place there in a few months if she’s still inclined. The semester is only 4 months long and if she flies out every 2 weeks or so, that would be 8 visits. This still isn’t ideal but makes sense because it’s always better to know the area a bit before moving, buying/renting a house in a new place etc. Perhaps in that exhausting semester of flying back and forth she’ll realize that her presence isn’t necessary or wanted by D or that she hates Mass. weather or that it’s a really expensive place etc. It also prolongs this decision a bit and gives your D some time to be somewhat independent on campus and make some friends before her parents arrive and expect her home every weekend.</p>
<p>It’s obviously not possible to go home to NYC from cambridge every weekend, but it really isn’t going to be impossible for her to go home on weekends if you’re within 50 miles. Granted MIT students are busy but a lot of what has been mentioned – such as helping out with others’ research – isn’t mandatory. Group projects are mandatory, but she could be that annoying person who makes it clear that she’s only available Mon through Thurs. It won’t do wonders for her popularity or her stress level, but I’ve seen good students who had to be “weekly commuters” to ivys/top schools due to really extenuating family circumstances, who made it work really well; as they became more senior, they really cut back on classes that they knew would require a lot of group work and took more classes where they could just bring a book home with them. I’m certainly not advocating this bc a lot of the growth in college happens outside the classroom and she shouldn’t miss out, but if you say to your wife “MIT students can’t ever get a weekend off” – she won’t believe it.</p>
<p>Not meaning to throw fuel on the fire :o, but a friend of Ds- mother moved to Ca, when he accepted the offer of a LAC there.
Now her husband had died of cancer just a few weeks before graduation and as he was an only child, perhaps she thought it was time to make a change.
Perhaps she was even originally from CA.
After all no one is " from" Seattle any more.
I imagine I would have considered at least the same thing.
However, it helps for the other person to feel like they are being listened to about their concerns.
I agree it doesn’t seem like a good idea- but she must have something that is fueling this urge.</p>
<p>Again I ask…what is the matter with the schools in CA? If you are residents there, you have UCB or UCLA…or Stanford or USC…or any number of other fabulous schools. Those instate UCs are a BARGAIN in addition to being terrific schools AND they are close to home so that your DD and wife will be satisfied. I’m sorry, but moving a whole family so that DD can go to a college on the east coast because “she wants to have a place closeby to crash if she is stressed” is just bizarre in my mind. If she wants to be CLOSE to home…she should apply to colleges CLOSE TO HOME…not expect that the home will move.</p>
<p>And again I say…your wife may find teacher jobs are not as plentiful as she thinks they will be here on the east coast. </p>
<p>Also…the burbs of NYC are mighty pricey. Are you really financially able to keep a house in CA, pay the tuition/fees at MIT AND establish another household in a metro area on the east coast. </p>
<p>I agree…I think this whole thread is a bit odd.</p>
<p>thumper, the D only applied to S, and Cal tech in Calif. She did not apply to any of the UC’s. She is waiting to hear from Stanford, and was accepted at Cal Tech and MIT EA.</p>
<p>If you are intent on going through with your plan, I would suggest looking at a place in Connecticut along the I-95 corridor. You could be close to both NYC and Boston. I live in Fairfield County, one hour outside of NYC and driving to Boston takes me 2 hours. </p>
<p>Our D at MIT takes the Amtrak Express train every month or so for the weekend and the train stops 5 minutes from our house. </p>
<p>In theory, your D could leave MIT Friday afternoon and spend every Friday and Saturday night at your house and head back Sunday noon time by train to MIT. MIT students also have one Monday off every month for students to catch up and rest. The train ride is only about 2 1/2 hours and you can buy tickets in packs of 10. Your D will miss out on the social scene but it shouldn’t affect her work. She can also do homework on the train. NOBODY studies on Friday and Saturday nights at MIT.</p>
<p>I find it hard to believe that NOBODY studies on Fri or Sat nights at MIT. Perhaps the majority don’t, but I would think that a freshman who is new to the intensity/freedom of college life might at some point work on a weekend night. Perhaps if they find the course work difficult or have gotten behind in their studies. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t the OP’s daughter might also want to partake of some of the competing social events on a weekend now and again, also?</p>
<p>I know a family who moved to be near their kids in college. </p>
<p>They moved from NH to a small town in the south, very different than California to Massachusetts. The father is self-employed; the mother got a job at the college her kids went to. Both kids were at the same college, which was a Christian school. The parents are deeply religious (born-again – they weren’t at all religious when I first met them.) They aren’t Asian or Mexican.</p>
<p>When the wife told me they were moving just to be near the kids, I was speechless. This just was another reason why she and I were no longer friends. I have no idea how things are going – I did google her recently and she is still teaching there. Theirs was always a very close family. I didn’t ask her at the time whether they were intending on always following the kids around, and what would happen if the kids ended up in different cities. </p>
<p>The whole thing seemed dysfunctional to me.</p>
<p>Also… when I went to college, I was pretty close to my mother. My mother was very dependent on me for her emotional happiness. When I didn’t call and write her constantly, she fell apart. The stress she put on me was intense. Eventually, our relationship totally collapsed – now, 30+ years later, we live on separate coasts and are out of touch. We haven’t spoken in years.</p>
<p>Believe me, your wife does not want this to happen. But if she persists in following her daughter around, expecting to have the same relationship with her forever, planning on her daughter being home on weekends – she runs a very serious risk of alienating her daughter forever. Your wife may convince herself that it “would never happen to her” – but you need to convince her that it could. It happened to my mother. </p>
<p>I remember on most weeks usually only being able to safely take Saturday night off from studying, and I was even in a fraternity. It was THAT hard, at least for me.</p>
<p>cellardweller…Fairfield county in CT is NO bargain in terms of cost of living and housing costs. AND it’s in CT where teaching jobs are being CUT in most districts this year. </p>
<p>One other thing about teaching jobs in CT…EVERY teacher MUST pass the Praxis test HERE in CT in order to become certified. Without certification, the districts won’t even interview you. There are no uncredentialed teachers in CT…unlike CA. Getting jobs in private schools could be a choice, I suppose. </p>
<p>I’m sorry, but it sounds like the OP wants us all to tell him to follow his wife’s dream because it will make his daughter happy. I think there are other issues this family should be considering. If the wife is that distraught over “losing” her daughter to college, the wife needs to see a counselor. If the husband moves, he is enabling this wife to continue in the current track. This family needs to figure out where they stand as a family. If things are this rough, the daughter may decide NOT to come to visit every weekend.</p>
<p>To the OP…there are lots of flights coast to coast. Our daughter has taken several weekend trips for family events (weddings and such). She takes a red eye one way…and flies back during the day. It all works out fine…and even if the airfare skyrocket…it would be a LOT cheaper flying the kid home on long weekends or whatever than moving EVERYONE to the east coast.</p>
<p>Like I said…our DD goes to school clear across the country. If going to college near home had been a prime consideration, she would have applied to college NEAR HOME. If WE (either parent) had insisted that we needed to be nearby, we would not have allowed her to apply far away regardless of the quality of the school. </p>
<p>But whatever…seems you have made your decision and you want folks to validate it. This is your decision…and if you want votes…I vote NO. But truthfully, I don’t think you really want any opinions here. So vent away. And good luck. If you think your marriage is on thin ice if you don’t make this move…my guess is that some other “issue” will come up to end this marriage if it’s not this one.</p>
<p>I expect my child to go away…and become an adult. I want her to be independent. I have always expected that. I hate she is 600 miles away, but she has to learn to live without me.</p>
<p>I cannot imagine going away from my husband. We are a team. I don’t understand the dynamics of your family(?), but I suppose I don’t have to. I can only hope that your family finds whatever it is that makes you all genuinely happy.</p>
<p>The OP will end up moving. The dynamics within this family will never change because despite the dysfunction of it all, each has their own reason for feeling some morbid sense of comfort in the way things work. The OP has no intention of sticking up for his daughter. The daughter has been “trained” never to express her personal opinion if it is contrary to her mother’s. Mom has manipulated both into believing that she’s doing everything for her daughter when the reality is that she’s a control freak who needs to always get her way. This is a family that doesn’t value honesty. It values complete compliance with the Mother’s wishes. Nothing will change until all three of them look within themselves and discover the truth that lies within.</p>
<p>"Anneroku- I agree that it is not helpful to try to badger others into counseling or to quickly analyze a situation and come up with very painful statements. Particularly when one is not face to face. It is particularly disturbing when this is done by someone who has attended Harvard and worked as a psychologist/therapist. Such behavior does not lend a lot of support to the “get into therapy” argument. "</p>
<p>Presumably you are talking about me since I went to Harvard and used to be a psychologist.</p>
<p>I don’t see it as insulting or badgering to suggest that someone get counseling who has a family counseling. It’s no more badgering than would be suggesting that someone who has financial concerns see a financial counselor or suggesting that someone who is concerned about their health see a doctor.</p>
<p>Once upon a time, back when many of us were young, going to therapy or a counselor was seen as a badge of shame. One was considered weak willed or crazy.</p>
<p>Now, however, intelligent people – particularly highly educated, affluent ones – routinely see therapists when they have family or emotional concerns. It’s a smart thing to do. Why suffer through baffling problems or post one’s concerns on an Internet board if one can sit down with a professional who has been trained to help one more accurately and expansively view one’s options.</p>
<p>While many of us, including me, have offered the OP well meaning advice, none of us is qualified to give him the kind of attention and informed help that he could get by spending time with someone who sees him face to face and has the training to help him.</p>
<p>If you consider it badgering to suggest that, well, go right on…</p>