<p>"Distance in an of itself doesn’t mean anything about the ability of the student to achieve independence. And it sounds as if the “togetherness” of this family’s closeness appeals to all. I don’t think we can assume that the D is just not saying what she really feels about all of this. I don’t think we can assume that the D is immature if she wants her parents relatively close by. "</p>
<p>There’s <em>nothing</em> to suggest that the daughter wants to stay close by - if that were the case, she would have gone to Caltech, which if I remember correctly she was accepted into (congrats to POIH’s daughter!). </p>
<p>The daughter was an Ivy hopeful, remember? She cared about MIT, and Yale, and other prestigious, East Coast schools. She knew upfront she wanted to go to the East Coast. If staying close to mother was so important, she’d have limited herself to Caltech, Stanford or Berkeley and not even bothered with the East Coast schools. She didn’t. What does that tell you? Now, her mother’s asking her about moving to Boston. What is she <em>going</em> to say? She’s not going to hurt her mother’s feelings; she’s a nice person. Maybe she can hope that they go to NY and that’ll pacify them. The daughter’s just making the best she can out of the foregone conclusion that her mother has to be within 50 miles.</p>
<p>Property taxes if you were to buy on the East Coast. They are high, but I don’t know how they compare to CA. </p>
<p>Automobile insurance- Places like Boston or NYC are astronomical. Suburbs less so, but still high. Again- compare to CA</p>
<p>Clothing perhaps- if you are in warmer part of CA, there would need to be an investment in winter wear for not only your D at school, but for your wife and self. Coats, boots, blankets, etc. For my D moving to NJ from Houston, it was 1000$ or more to outfit her for the winter. </p>
<p>General living expenses- food, gasoline, utilities, entertainment are probably the same between CA and East Coast.</p>
<p>Look, it doesn’t matter if POIH has the money of Bill Gates and can afford the relocation costs, health insurance, whatever. Those seem to be side issues to the real heart of the matter which is - is this a psychologically sound thing to do, to follow a daughter who (don’t forget) CHOSE to go to a university on the other side of the country instead of equally fine ones in her backyard.</p>
<p>POIH, I’ve posted before that I had a terrible loss in childhood and as a result I’m a major clinger with my kids. The terror is pervasive in my life and I can’t articulate to you enough how counseling would be a blessing for your wife. It would allow her to have her life back and get the weight off her shoulders. You have my deepest sympathy and understanding. It’s so hard but you are doing your wife and daughter no favors by allowing this to continue.</p>
It only tells us that the daughter, like her parents, was focused on top schools. It does not imply that the daughter was trying to escape from her mother since she knew all along that her parents would be following her to whichever college she chose. </p>
<p>
This statement was from the OP – apparently they know someone else who did this!</p>
<p>Also- I’d imagine there may be a difference in sales taxes between CA and East Coast. </p>
<p>To me, one of the main concerns is the difficulty of procuring jobs and the need to spend diminishing savings if jobs are not forthcoming. I hope that once all the numbers become clear your wife can help analyze them with you from a purely economic standpoint.</p>
<p>Ya know, based on the posts about his portfolio and D being full-pay, perhaps the family is comfortable enough to make the move and live on savings and investments. That would be a whole horse of a different color. If you could afford to get a place here, NY is a great city if you’re not working.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, if what you’re speculating is true and the only advice he wants about this situation is financial, the OP needs to talk to his financial advisor, not post on CC.</p>
<p>“Maybe she can hope that they go to NY and that’ll pacify them. The daughter’s just making the best she can out of the foregone conclusion that her mother has to be within 50 miles.”</p>
<p>The parents need to bone up on geography because more than 50 miles separates NYC and NYS from Cambridge, Mass. Of course maybe the daughter is just graciously hoping the parents won’t notice that. :)</p>
From the responses on this thread, it looks like they haven’t.</p>
<p>I haven’t seen any actual purpose stated in having the mother within 50 miles of the D. If the D has questions to ask of the parent or just wants to keep in touch there’s always the telephone, email, IM text messaging, video calls, etc. In addition, there are also breaks where the kid can go home for visits.</p>
<p>A key here is what the D herself really thinks of this. I can’t imagine most kids wanting their mothers to tag along to college with them. Even though there seem to be possibly some cultural aspects with the move, was the D really raised in that culture or was she raised in the USA? If she was raised here then she likely would want to behave similarly to most other American kids of this age and sow her own oats and seek her independence. That should be respected by the parents IMO. To chase her around the country at college age implies that the parent doesn’t think the kid can handle herself reasonably at this age which does a disservice to the kid and could actually inhibit the kid from progressing. There’s also the practical aspect of the mom thinking the kid is accessible most of the time as she might have been in grade school but this kid is going to MIT and will be very busy - especially if she’ll be an engineering major. In addition to the studies, this is the important time for her to be able to interact with her classmates without the burden of the mom dropping in all the time (if the mom’s planning to do this).</p>
<p>This seems to not be about the kid at all but rather about the mother. It’s the mother who can’t let go for whatever reasons she has. I think the mother needs to come to terms with the reality of the situation and put the D’s needs before her own.</p>
What is the best way to have this happen without her knowing this? All of our friends here are supportive of her move. She will move even if I tell her that I won’t or cann’t.
She doesn’t think of this as a problem. During her last 7/8 years of teaching, she has never spent a single penny and put it aside in a bank with the view that if I won’t be able to pay for my D’s college she will. Now she has enough to go any where and live for 4 years even without job.
So there is no way I can stop her from moving. I need to make decision about what I can do in this situation.</p>
<p>First, I believe 100% ParentofIvyHopeful is a real person. The English bears the telltale artifacts of Chinese as the original language, i.e. “till now”, etc… Second, I believe this is not culturally out of bounds in that case. My own boss, also Chinese, suggested that I could move across the country if my job required it, since both my kids are there now. He is not suffering any trauma that I know of. </p>
<p>So if we could leave aside, for now, the issues of whether this is “psychologically” OK, and just assume that it is culturally within bounds, the economy in fact is the real question. And right now, all is speculation. Parent, I suggest you and your wife do some serious research on jobs on the Eastern Seaboard, on real estate, and on actual rental prices in the Bay Area. Then and only then can you really decide if this is a good idea or not. Perhaps all your wife’s “pennies” can support you for a while.</p>
As I told this before that our neighbor moved to Irvine in CA to stay close to their daughter after renting the house here. Many of my wife’s friends have moved places due to high schools. Rather everyone we know have moved once to provide children better high schools or colleges.</p>
<p>POIH, this ^ is the point when it becomes couples therapy. Your wife is choosing to follow your healthy, independent adult grown child across the country rather than stay with her husband. This is wildly far beyond the idea of emotionally supporting your child. </p>
<p>If you can’t get her to go with you for counseling, then you should go by yourself.</p>
<p>Who exactly are these friends who are supportive of your wife’s move? Do they have children of their own whom they moved to be with? Are they from another country where it’s normal for parents and kids to stay together all of their lives?</p>
<p>Unless your wife is a very unusual person, she will be miserable if she, for instance, moves to Boston all by herself, planning to devote her life to her college student child. Unless your D is very different from those admitted to places like MIT and Ivies, your D will not be spending much time with her Mom. Instead, your D will be diving into academics, extracurriculars, new friends. </p>
<p>I have no clue what your wife will be doing without even a job in which to develop her own interests and social contacts. Most people would react to such a situation by going back home to their spouse, friends and familiar surroundings.</p>
<p>There’s a big difference between following one’s grown, independent adult child 3,000 miles away to their college and moving to provide a kid with a better high school or college (assuming that one is moving to qualify for the perks of being the resident of a state with excellent public colleges). If you can’t tell the difference, then I am speechless.</p>