<p>This is Redbugs daughter, felt like sticking my nose in, mainly because the assumptions were bothering me. My BF is not looking for a free ticket out, he has another option, ‘free’ living at his fathers place. The problem with this is that it’s not actually ‘free.’ His dad would make him pay rent and food, the same he has done for my BF’s older brother. The catch is that the ‘rent’ and ‘food’ is almost always what the income was, and he would be trapped like his older brother is now. His older brother is hiding money in an attempt to have something to escape with. Where he lives in Florida, the only opportunity for work is a local strip mall. A place he’s applied to (Every shop, every position) every month for about a year. Always full. He lives in a place where kids throw parties for someone who gets a ‘burger flipping’ position. The job he has is underpaid, he does about three jobs for the price of 4-5 bucks an hour (a $20 bill a night from the waitresses plus tips, which can range from 0 and up. He was luckily granted a third day out of the week working as a busboy, host and to-go order. The previous hostess abandoned her shift, and because of her connections to the restaurant owner, he must be the new host or lose his job entirely. Never has he had a ‘raise’ or promotion. The stability fluctuates with the season. He loses nights and rarely gains a night. He’s always tied to his calculator and bank account to keep himself on track. He’s incredibly good at budgeting. He works incredibly hard. He runs from table to counter to door for 5 hours a night (Literally runs, I come in to watch him work before I go to his house when his mom gets off of work with him), and he works an extra unpaid hour out of desperation. His coworkers laugh that he works too hard. He is the last person to sit on a couch and mooch off of someone else. I have seen this man brought to tears because he can’t do more to help his mother. Finding a job here is his top priority, and he talks about it to me daily. He has played surrogate mom to his younger siblings when his mom was holding two-three other jobs at once in the past (Often they were ‘odd’ jobs just to put food on the table), this food is store brand, always stretched very thin. Milk is an absolute luxury in his house. There are some days in the summer that they turn off their AC to save money. Their bath towels look like the towels my own family use to dry off dogs and floors. Everything he owns is a handmedown, his clothes, his cheap plywood furniture (which his little brother will inherit when he leaves) He has partially raised his siblings, acting more as a second parent than a brother. Him and I already discussed how much attention I can give with school in the mix. The first year apart this caused a lot of stress on him, but he has managed to enjoy what little attention I can spare and adjust to it, to quote him ‘A simple hello is all I ask for.’ He will be looking for a job the day he gets to Minneapolis, and I will be scouting out jobs before I move out of my apartment for him. Him and I have been ‘finding out who we are as a couple’ for about 4 years now, and I’ve known him as my best friend for about 9 years. I will be requesting a studio on campus so I will keep my school life separate. I thank you all as well for the suggestions, we will be renting come spring!</p>
<p>It sounds like your BF is a wonderful person, but it is really important for you to find out more of who YOU are as an adult woman, BEFORE you figure out who you are as a couple (which of course is also important). It’s much harder to figure this out when you’re living with a person you are having a romantic relationship with, IMHO. Best of luck to both of you! I hope you both find a lot more jobs & opportunities and are able to get some savings in Minnesota.</p>
<p>Good advice, HImom.</p>
<p>redbug’s D- it sounds like you two are both on track and will get along very well once you start renting together. I wish your bf the best of luck getting a good job and getting settled so far from home. May I suggest you two use your local freecycle to find some things you need - “Florida transplant desperate for winter boots”, etc.</p>
<p>It’s hard to see someone you care for be trapped by their parents while your own are helping you to grow and go onwards with your life. My children have witnessed this too, and our hearts go out to the young people in those difficult situations. Hats off to your bf for being determined to get out!</p>
<p>RB’s D - Thanks Himom, him and I have stressed since day one that we are completely separate people, and it remains an active topic with us! Thank you Greenwitch, there will by many thrift store scavenges! That’s so true, he’s dragged his way up every step of the way and has never had a break, and that breaks my heart.</p>
<p>Nine years as friends and four years as a couple: this is no momentary whim. While of course people your age AND people much older can grow apart even after many years, for now it sounds as if, for you and your BF, living together is probably the opposite of distracting. What seems more potentially distracting is your continual worry about how he’s getting by back home, a situation you understand in so much detail. (Well-- it’s important that you’re living together primarily because you want to BE together–but it is obvious you do want this, against quite some challenging odds. ) </p>
<p>Rather than questioning this decision, I appreciate that you’re bringing your parents into the discussion, as opposed to just quietly moving him into your room on your own, and I appreciate your parents are helping you consider how best to handle it (and are even open to serious real-estate decisions). You both sound extremely mature and responsible. Good luck.
PS. Good Will and Sal’s (aka Salvation Army) were my boutiques in college, and STILL supply some of my favorite clothes!</p>