<p>Why does it need to be an immediate change? What is so threatening that you feel the need to fly there to solve this? It sounds like a roommate mismatch, but I think if i were the OP i would first want to know how long it would take to find a different room AND unless there is something very threatening happening, how is there a guarantee that the new roommate won’t have overnight guests? If it takes a couple weeks is the situation so drastic that this is not acceptable? Is the roommate’s friend living in the room or staying overnight all the time? What am I missing?</p>
<p>First, you should be happy that your D is taking this to the RA herself, which is the right thing to do. You should let her have a chance to resolve the situation herself, in a mature manner. That might mean agreeing on room rules, or it might mean arranging to move if common ground cannot be found. If all else fails, she wants to move but nothing is happening, then you can step in with a polite email to the relevant administrator. In the meantime, I would strongly suggest that you restrict yourself to coaching and advice only.</p>
<p>The room she moves to might be worse. Who moved out of that one?</p>
<p>I would suggest she have a direct honest talk with current roommate and come up with rules on lights, noise and visitors during the school week. </p>
<p>I don’t think OP is out of line to request a room change for her daughter. Some posters have expressed the view that the roommate isn’t acting out of line or that they too have done the same in their collegiate years—as a college freshman, I would * hate * to have you guys as roommates, yikes. </p>
<p>If OP’s daughter would rather stay in the lounge than return to her room—the place where she sleeps and studies and * theoretically * should feel comfortable in at all times of day—then it’s probably not as trivial as imagined. At the risk of overgeneralizing, I’m fairly certain she’s already tried to talk to her roommate as it’s already November, and I doubt OP’s daughter is devoid of communication skills. </p>
<p>I tentatively agree that seeking out the RA if it hasn’t been done so already is a good next step, but it honestly sounds like previous efforts to resolve the situation have failed, and I don’t blame her for seeking outside help. Seriously, college first-years should not (and normally do not) act like this. I’ve read and heard about my share of nightmare roommate stories, but this one sounds particularly icky as the behavior in question is not only inconsiderate but also borderlines on personal harassment. </p>
<p>Just my own two cents. Best of luck, and I hope everything works out for your daughter!</p>
<p>^ I sincerely just don’t understand. Have posts been deleted or something? What about any of this constitutes harassment, bullying, or abuse? How is any of this uncommon? Sometimes when I’d come home late I’d forget my roommate was sleeping and turn the lights on. Sometimes I’d brush past things and knock them over in a shoebox of a dorm room and not put it back correctly. That’s all I’m interpreting is happening, not that the roommate is deliberately picking stuff up and throwing it, or waking up in the middle of the night to turn on all the lights…what purpose would that serve? Just for fun? It makes no sense. Objectively, I was a really great roommate and I really resent your need to point out that you’d “hate” to live with me, italicized! To this day I remain close friends with all my roommates and I was always there for them as a friend or shoulder to cry on or late night hot-chocolate maker. Obviously, there’s communication issues here and the personalities are simply clashing, but I’m really failing to see what makes this roommate miles above the horror of any random person you’re likely to be paired with. Living with someone is always frustrating when you’re not used to it.</p>
<p>Of all my years lurking college confidential (just a hint that’s 7 years), I’ve never been compelled to make an account before this thread. I’m honestly just so confused by the responses to this thread. From my understanding, OP’s daughter is having minor (and very normal) issues with her roommate. It’s probably just a series of miscommunications (or lack of communication) and misunderstandings. Her roommate may not be used to sharing a room with someone, and is unintentionally inconsiderate. At worst it’s a personality mismatch. Her roommate may not care if the lights are on while she’s asleep or if OP’s daughter brings a boy back to the room, so she may have no idea this stuff is bothering OP’s daughter. </p>
<p>I just don’t even understand how any of this behavior could possibly border on abuse or harassment unless I’m really missing something here. When I was a freshman in college, my roommate would sometimes turn the light on while I was asleep if she got back late. Occasionally I’d bring my boyfriend at the time back to our room to have sex. Both of us would have friends sit on each other’s beds and sometimes they got a little messed up. Whenever something came up that bothered us, we talked about it and tried to fix it. And sometimes I’d hang out in the lounge to avoid the room because I didn’t feel like being with her at the moment, but I think that’s pretty normal and honestly healthy to not be in your room all the time. I don’t get it. According to this were we abusing each other just because we were not perfect roommates 100% of the time? </p>
<p>A lot of the people in this thread seem to be freshmen in college. I’m a senior and I’ve lived with a variety of roommates, and I have to say I’ve dealt with worse than this (think roommate who never leaves and doesn’t clean anything and leaves a pungent odor in our room) and it still didn’t constitute abuse. </p>
<p>Unless we get additional information, I fail to see how OP’s daughter is being bullied or abused or harassed. Or how this situation is above an RA’s skill level. Roommate spats are literally what RAs are trained to handle. </p>
<p>Can someone please enlighten me? I feel like I must be missing some major chunk of the story. </p>
<p>And to add to my previous post, having sex in your college dorm is pretty normal and not abusive at all. Assuming she isn’t sexiling OP’s daughter frequently at night, it really isn’t out of line. And if it is frequent, then the first course of actions should be to talk to the roommate, then the RA. This is a fairly common issue, and there’s no reason to go to the head of reslife or administration about it. </p>
<p>My kids had private bedrooms, so I don’t know what kids do when they’re sexiled. Are they supposed to sleep in the hall? where? If they have a friend in another dorm, I guess that would work out, but what if a student hasn’t yet made a close enough friend to bunk with? </p>
<p>I was never sexiled in college over-night, so I never faced this issue. Any sexiling went on during the day.</p>
<p>Are the couple having sex with the girl in the next bed or were they telling her she can’t come in the bedroom at NIGHT while they’re in there? </p>
<p>I don’t give a rat’s patootie about what lovers are doing during the day, but when you’re paying today’s high dorm rates for a bed for your kid to sleep in, they better not be locked out by Romeo and Juliet.</p>
<p>In my experience, most of the actual sexiling occurs for a discrete period of time, and then the roommate comes back. Like sometimes I’d sexile my roommate at like 9PM (I would never do it if she was doing homework or had friends over, it was usually only if she already wasn’t in the room and then I would text her sayiing I needed the room for a bit). and then she’d come back a bit after. My boyfriend at the time would sometimes sleep over in the room, but we wouldn’t have sex after the initial sexiling period, just sleep. He stayed over pretty rarely, and my roommate didn’t care when he did (we discussed it). </p>
<p>Sexiling isn’t necessarily an all-night, kicked out of the room affair. I’ve personally never done this or had it happen to me. The most common I’ve seen it was when roommates are in long distance relationships, and even then all of my sexiled friends offered to stay somewhere else for the weekend, as far as I know, no one was coerced out. </p>
<p>And of course if my roommate had planned to come back to the room and do something when I had texted and she said no, I would always respect her wishes. I really think this only happened once though, because occasionally not being in your room for half an hour or so really isn’t a big deal. And she’d want me to do the same for her too. </p>
<p>What @codenamedutchess says is how I remember it from a million years ago (the 80’s when college kids didn’t have sex according to that other thread 
) It could be worse in this case but no specifics have been given to indicate one way or the other.</p>
<p>My D had an on campus job that ended at 11 or 12pm. When she would get back to her room after freshman year her roommate would always be asleep already. They did have a ‘thing’ where D had to turn on some light to get her stuff to take a shower and get ready for be or get study materials to go to the lounge or study room. She told me that she tried stumbling around in the dark then finally decided to heck with it - midnight isn’t the middle of the night for a college student and she was going to turn on the light to get her stuff even if RM went to sleep at 10pm. D also had 8 and 9am classes so it wasn’t a matter of a kid who would/could sleep until noon being inconsiderate. From what I heard it was kind of a point of contention for a bit - not move out worthy, but a point of friction.</p>
<p>It could be intentional annoying or harassing behavior but it could also be that someone needs to get on Amazon Prime and order a nice lavender sleep mask, a set of ear plugs and one of those stick up touch lights to put up by the door.</p>
<p>There is no indication from the OP about extensive sexiling. Just that the roommate “even” had sex. As if having sex is terrible. OP says the daughter is scared to go to her dorm room, not that the boy is always there. </p>
<p>Why is the girl afraid to go to her room? I don’t get abuse from anything described either. Is she uncomfortable with the tension? How much has she talked directly with the roommate about these issues? It sounds possible that this student is avoiding the situation by staying away from the room. An understandable impulse, but that won’t fix anything </p>
<p>Let us review, from the OP
- “her roommate disturbs my daughter’s sleep on purpose by turning all the lights on in the night” - is there really a need to turn all the lights on at night, not just a bed lamp? Questionable, not dire.</p>
<p>2) “mess up my daughter’s bed, throw her stuff on the floor” - WTH is a complete stranger doing even touching the OP’s daughter’s stuff? This is not portrayed as accidentally knocking things over. This is portrayed as pervasive.</p>
<p>3) “even bring boy to have sex in the dorm” - No mention here of sexiling - so having sex with one’s roommate present in the room. And even if “sexiling” is used - if this is happening at night, what right does ANYONE have to throw out the OP’s child from their OWN ROOM? If some college kids posting here think “hey, it’s okay”, I shudder to think where they would draw the line. I feel like this is NOT a one time thing, this is happening regularly. You need a single if you want to set up shop.</p>
<p>4) “My daughter is afraid to be back to the dorm, she is planning to talk to RA.” - the OP has established that her daughter is AFRAID. Either that is reasonable based on the situation (which we are not in) or it is not. BUT: the OP has established it. That is VERY important - if you don’t care if your roommate is on the top bunk shagging someone, good for you. But this girl is <em>AFRAID</em>.</p>
<p>5) From a later post: “My daughter almost has no place to stay,” and “The fact I knew is my D had no place to go yesterday night due to the roommate’s severe behaviors, and she doesn’t want to bother her friends, so she stayed in the lounge instead. I am really worry her safe due to her roommate’s behavior.” <strong><em>Whether or not</em></strong> the roommate is actually harassing her, SHE feels she cannot stay in her OWN dorm room overnight. Could the OP’s daughter be oversensitive? Yes. But that is not her problem.</p>
<p>Please understand, yeah we know that @codenamedutchess is a very wise college senior and had a reasonable roommate freshman year, and apparently thought it fine to have sex with her boyfriend in a room she shared (assumedly sexiling her roommate). And I’ve known girls who had multiple partners per night, and kicked their roommates out for a few hours - on occasion though at worst, never daily and certainly never every night.</p>
<p>But what appears to be happening here is that EVERY NIGHT the OP’s daughter cannot sleep in her dorm room. EVERY NIGHT she has to sleep in the lounge or elsewhere. It is NOT just putting on the lights at night - newsflash - lounges have lights on all the time! It really sounds like the roommate is being highly disruptive and will not change, for the last TWO months. </p>
<p>The right to housing is pretty fundamental, and the OP is paying for it. Great that some worked things out with their roommate, but yes, it does exist that there are incompatible roommates to the point one needs to move out. I know the two “most active” girls in my sorority roomed together and who knows what went on, and they were fine with it. I know that one of my sorority sisters had her boyfriend “almost fiance” sleeping over every single night, when she had one bed out of four in a large bedroom in the sorority house, and she would ask her roommates to give them a house hour when they “needed it”. But she didn’t throw her roommates stuff all over the floor or turn the lights on at all hours, and she certainly didn’t shag him when her roommates were present.</p>
<p>As a mother, if what the OP’s daughter said is true, I would move mountains to make sure my child was sleeping in a bedroom overnight, every night. Especially since I was paying for the accommodations!!!</p>
<p>Rhandco, highly disruputive? I see the roommate as inconsiderate at best, but nothing I have read is threatening, certainly not to the point where most kids would be afraid. That being said, the OP’s daughter is having a problem with the roommate, and while I think the reasons that have been stated here are pretty minor on the grand scale of bad roommate behavior, the OP’s D is uncomfortable and should look for alternative housing. </p>
<p>OP said they have been told it happen, but there is no mention of frequency let alone that this been happening every night for two months.</p>
<p>Too many different interpretations of what happened from what the OP said ranging from the in·noc·u·ous to downright harrasment. I need more details ;)</p>
<p>I think if you’re sleeping in the lounge there’s a problem</p>
<p>Rhandco where are you getting that it’s every night that the D is kicked out of her room? Where are you getting that the roommates behavior of messing up the bed and 'throwing clothes" on the floor is on-going. Make no mistake if the OPs D is a sheltered child who has never had to deal with a sibling or went to college with no understanding of other young adults and their social behavior and is AFRAID I would say the OP ought to be finding a single for the D - whether that takes flying out there or negotiating with residential life offices because I don’t think changing roommates is going to stop sex from happening, lights from being turned on and posessions moved, alot of that is learning to live and negotiate with another person. The alternative is that the D navigate and negotiate this with the RA because if the D takes a backseat and simply gets put with another girl there is always the chance that it could be worse than whatever is going on. But I reread the entire thread and the OP has not indicated that the D is dislodged from her room night after night or that the roommate has destroyed the Ds posessions or anything of the like. I think it would be very good for the D to navigate the room change on her own. </p>
<p>This reminds me of the time I accidentally knocked my roommate’s towels off the bar in the closet–largely because she never folded her wet towels, but left them dripping down over mine on the lower bar, which made it difficult to take mine off without disturbing hers. I picked them up, folded them neatly, and replaced them on the bar. Later that day, she went from room to room on our hall, knocking on doors, to find me and ask me why I had touched her towels. </p>
<p>Bringing a boy back to the room to have sex is normal. A parent who describes that using the word “even” is a parent who is out of touch. Perhaps her D is extremely sheltered and thus genuinely shocked by the fact that students have sex, or that someone else might not be tucked up in their PJs by 10PM.</p>
<p>Honestly, rhandco, I think you are jumping to the worst possible conclusion on every point. And even if the roommate is obnoxious, it is the D’s job to figure out how to deal with it. That is one of the things one learns at college. Hiding in the lounge is not the way to do that.</p>
<p>This situation feels like a litmus test for us posters - people here seem to be responding and reacting based upon their own experiences and not necessarily those of the OP and her daughter.</p>
<p>Honestly, it’s hard for me to really understand WHAT’S going on in the original post. Is the roommate really a monster or just a typical college student? </p>