<p>I know you guys aren't really into editing or providing commentary on essays, but I was looking for some people to help criticize the into to my research paper. I would really appreciate it if you corrected any awkward wordings and commented on the flow and power to the intro. thank you!</p>
<p>The media influences Americans by deliberately persuading and reinforcing negative behavior in society, especially among children and young adults. The media has always had a great impact upon society because of its common and numerous forms such as television and the internet. Media content isnt a simple matter and is an effective method of communication because of its appeal of extreme violence. To a large extent, the media is responsible for a persons individual response to content. The media relies on fraudulent devices in order to better themselves financially, even if it means the potential ruin of others. Through its constant communication of hostile themes on television, the media only emphasizes the extensive use of violence in reality. Regardless of intent it is the individual response to media violence that is important. By encouraging the familiarity of these actions, the media initiates corruptive behavior in capable law offenders while only thinking selfishly of their billion dollar industry. Through its spread of immoral messages and acceptance of wicked behavior, the media has influenced individuals with criminal capabilities to fulfill their violent inclinations.</p>
<p>I'm worried it's too specific. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>Is this your thesis statement? If so, it should be specific. If not, then I would add more details by dividing this paragraph into separate sections.</p>
<p>too long, too hard</p>
<p>Watch the precision of your sentences. For example, in the first sentence you end up saying "persuading negative behavior," which doesn't really make sense to me. Also I feel like a lot of sentences could be combined to be more concise (like the first two).</p>
<p>I don't think it's too specific. You should really know whether or not your thesis is too specific by now though if you've begun to write. I mean if you're writing it means you should already have done all of your research and know what the rest of the paper will cover.</p>
<p>The main thing is that it reads like you had a thesaurus open in front of you. This leads to some awkward combinations of words. For example, one doesn't "fulfill an inclination." There are some other "eh?" places in there too.</p>
<p>"Media" is a singular word. It would be "its billion-dollar industry," not "their billion dollar industry."</p>
<p>Words like "immoral" and "wicked" are pretty subjective and don't really fit the objective tone of the rest.</p>
<p>I don't think it's too specific, although I don't know what the assignment is. As for the paragraph, it seems to repeat itself a lot. I think you could convey the same amount of information and take up a lot less space.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I think it is way too extreme, violent, and narrow minded.</p>
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[...]deliberately persuading and reinforcing negative behavior in society, especially among children and young adults.
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</p>
<p>deliberately persuades people into negative behavior? Hmm...</p>
<p>
[quote]
he media has always had a great impact upon society
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</p>
<p>That is incorrect. The media hasn't been a significant factor until the late 19th century. Modern tech made significant advances in media distribution.</p>
<p>
[quote]
is an effective method of communication because of its appeal of extreme violence.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>again, way to presumptive and extreme. You may want to make yourself sound more prudent.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Through its spread of immoral messages and acceptance of wicked behavior, the media has influenced individuals with criminal capabilities to fulfill their violent inclinations.
[/quote]
</p>
<h2>Same comment as above</h2>
<p>Overall, I get what you mean. I think I understand your possible frustration and cynicism against the media, but a teacher might feel disturbed with such violent and hasty comments. If you smoothen your vocab and way of expression, I think you could write an excellent research paper, since I can see you are not naive about the 'goodness' of the media (but remember, that doesnt mean they are Satan's industry)</p>
<p>There's nothing wrong with taking a stand. If you're able to support your arguments with evidence, you don't need to soften them.</p>