<p>I would text or email. Consider the possibility of: "M hasn't contacted me at all. Is she even interested?"</p>
<p>We found that texting and IM'ing worked the best last year. If I IM'ed her and she was "busy" (sometimes studying, more frequently watching a TV show online, playing a game, or talking with friends), she'd tell me and we'd catch up later. Sometimes it was just a matter of texting a picture back and forth of what we were doing....</p>
<p>Also, phone calls worked best when they were when she was walking back to the dorm between classes, etc., when she wasn't distracted by friends in the dorm, or wanting to leave to go somewhere else. D and I (most always) were/are very close. However, our interactions had always been saving something to tell the other one later, and short, frequent conversations at home, rather than long, drawn out conversations. So, the idea of a weekly phone call didn't really work out....after a while, she'd run out of things to say, and I certainly had to search to find "exciting" things to talk about! The quick hellos throughout the week worked out better for both of us. Ha--sometimes she'd be IM'ing me and her dad (both of us sitting with our laptops in the same room!) at the same time!!! A note...it does get easier, and you'll find yourself NOT thinking so constantly about them, and wondering/worrying about how things are going.</p>
<p>Dropped S2 off 10 days ago. Called after a week. I basically got one syllable answers to every question (not the enthusiastic decriptions I had hoped to hear) until he finally said "Got to go. I have something I need to do". Since he initially told me he was watching TV, I'm thinking the thing he really had to do was get off the phone with Mom! I will definitely text next time.</p>
<p>He's coming home for Labor Day weekend (not because he misses us but to go to the football game his school is playing nearby). Hopefully I can get more out of him in person,lol.</p>
<p>D1 and I talk every day. She is a junior. It may be only 30 seconds but we touch base daily. We text fairly often. Yesterday we talked several times as we tried to find out why the new battery for her laptop hadn't arrived in her mailbox yet. I also don't get why people say don't call.</p>
<p>I am not referring to the frequency of phone calls that are made to your child - I am just stating that a parent should not be "afraid" to initiate calling his/her child because they worry about "disturbing" his/her independence. And my posts are referring more to the first year at school and the adjustment period that both the parent and the child are experiencing - after that first year, the "emotional" phone calls become significantly less frequent as your child has established his/her independence and the tone of the calls changes to a more "relaxed" manner.</p>
<p>The first year at school is an intensely emotional year - Your child will be homesick - there is no doubt about that. I would rather ease my child into this situation instead of "forcing" them to go "Cold Turkey". Is it that important that he/she "gets over" his/her homesickness so quickly?? Let them adjust on their own schedule - I would think forcing the issue of independence by withholding phone calls will actually delay the adjustment period. It will happen - just let it be a natural process.</p>
<p>Last year, during his first year at school, my son and I probably spoke on the phone once or twice a week during the first semester. It was never everyday - as a poster mentioned above, it's hard to hold a daily conversation as there isn't that much to talk about on a daily basis. Sometime the calls were just a quick "hello" while at other times, we would talk at length. These phone calls were more "emotional" based and necessary for my son to "find his way" during the first semester. I would never have held back any phone call just to rush this process. He came home for Christmas and after having his "fill" of the family for a month, he was ready to return to school for the second semester - and the phone calls took on a different tone - he was more relaxed and settled. He is now a very well adjusted college student.</p>
<p>My point is just don't place any restrictions or rules on your "long distance" relationship with your child. Call when you want - let them call when they want. Don't worry about the frequency of the calls - let each person establish that on his/her own time. The first year is an emotional year - they will feel less homesick and more independent as time goes on. Don't force the process - They will adjust based on their own schedule. But evetually, they will adjust.</p>
<p>I found that when I called S to talk, he often was in the middle of something and distracted, so it quickly evolved into us waiting for him to call when he was in the mood to talk. Usually I just had to e-mail him with a question to answer if he went a long time without calling, and he would call instead of hitting reply. Now that D is a freshman, she expects us to leave the calling up to her as well; she said that she'd try to call once a week, but that we might have to e-mail to remind her.</p>
<p>Dropped kid of at his college last week. The focus of the parent orientation program seemed to be to tell the parents to LAY OFF! (let them be independent, do not call frequently, do not intervene, let them handle things, etc.) I joked to my son that I half expected that the parents would be frisked for their cell phones before leaving the campus. I was determined to let him take the lead.</p>
<p>We were told, however, that the orientation leaders would encourage the kids to call on occasion.</p>
<p>It has been one week with no calls. Before he had gone, I had told son that I would not demand daily calls (as are required by at least one of his friends' parents) but that I would appreciate a few e-mails a week.</p>
<p>We just got this communication (the first contact he initiated since we last saw him):</p>
<p>"Hey momo, my paycheck should be at the bike store. When you've got an<br>
opportunity, could you drop by and get it for me? Ask for xxxxx (store manager) or xxxx (sales manager)-- if neither is around just<br>
ask for whatever manager is on duty. Make sure to tell whoever's working<br>
with you that you're just coming for my check, because usually when people<br>
want to see the manager, it's about a complaint.
When you get it, could you mail it up to me?
Thanks a bunch!
- kid xxxx"</p>
<p>My response:</p>
<p>"So nice to hear from you. I guess it means that you are probably alive.</p>
<p>I am not sure exactly when I will have an "opportunity" to pick up your paycheck, as I am focusing on my new agendas now that I am no longer a helicopter mom. (mention of some specific involvements here)</p>
<p>However, perhaps, IF you should have the "opportunity" to do so, you might be able to help put me in the mood for doing such an errand for you by sending an e-mail that contains more than a request for services to be rendered. </p>
<p>I have heard that such e-mails can even contain chatty information on topics such as details of how school is going, how the kid likes his advisors, classes, dorm life, social life, any concerns, etc. You may have heard the phrase "thoughtful and thorough" in the past.</p>
<p>Just a suggestion. If that is too painful a process I suggest you call the bike store yourself and ask that your paycheck be mailed to you.</p>
<p>"usually when people<br>
want to see the manager, it's about a complaint."</p>
<p>Gee, kinda reminds me of "usually when my kid bothers to contact a parent, it's about something he wants."</p>
<p>ARRRGGGHHHH!
-- Mother of the "not done yet" kids"</p>
<p>Perhaps it was an overreaction, but I do want to send the message that he does have some obligation to communicate information and show appreciation, aside from asking for something to be done for him. This is actually a kid who is generally rather caring, helpful and supportive when at home. I know he has been in frequent touch with his friends. It will be interesting to see what reaction I get.</p>
<p>P.S. This happens to be kid #2, so I have been through this process before. His sister was not a great communicator, but was better than this -- and knew to at least buffer a request for services with some other chatter.</p>
<p>Oh jyber, you are too funny! I'm going to have to remember this response.</p>
<p>I ask for pictures just like I did when the bear was in high school. And I always have a care package waiting for her when she arrives.This year it was Colgate Blend coffee supposed to be the best coffee in the country.</p>
<p>jyber209---hilarious. I love it. Make sure you let us know what kind of response you get.</p>
<p>jyber209: perfect. I love "thoughtful and thorough" phrasing. Can I steal it?</p>
<p>Just got a response from the kid (within an hour of when I had sent my e-mail)</p>
<p>"Hello, momo. Sorry for not staying in touch. Believe it or not, they<br>
were keeping us extremely busy with orientation stuff up until Sunday<br>
night, and I thought I would wait until I had actually experienced all of<br>
my classes before telling you how they were going. In any event, I'll<br>
make an effort to contact you more frequently.
.....
So heres the rundown on the classes I've had so far:
Intro to engineering: We spend about 3 weeks learning about each of the<br>
different engineering majors, and we're starting with mechanical. That's<br>
about it so far.</p>
<p>Chem: The professor seems like a nice guy, but it's a large class--<br>
probably about 50-60 people.</p>
<p>Calc: We got a quiz (doesn't count towards grades) to see how much we<br>
remember from calc I. I felt I did fairly well, but we'll see when I get<br>
it back.</p>
<p>I also just had my audition for concert band. I felt pretty good about<br>
how it went, but once again, we'll see where I end up.</p>
<p>I've had a little bit of homework, but I cranked it all out already<br>
because I know that if I let it pile up, it'll get tough to manage.</p>
<p>Hope things are going well down there!"</p>
<p>Not quite coverage of all topics, but I guess reasonable and I *guess *I can do his errand now.</p>
<p>
Feel free -- glad you liked it! It is actually a phrase H and I used often with our kids when they were working on school writing assignments -- they each, especially son, had a tendency to be "quick and superficial" rather than "thorough and thoughtful." So putting this phrase in an e-mail to son should have had some resonance.</p>
<p>Heycow -- I don't think anyone was trying to lay down any rules, simply reporting their own experiences with their particular child. Sounds like some of the kids asked Mom and Dad to not call first. Maybe some kids want to control that communication so they don't constantly feel like crying or because they want to see what their days will be like. Surely that's a reasonable request? In that sense, a text really is a little less intrusive, a "Hey, tell me you're alive until we get a chance to really talk."</p>
<p>I totally get what you are saying, and you are so right to say that a natural rhythm will be found. But I'm not so sure about "call whenever you want." I certainly wouldn't call my husband in the middle of a meeting. I want D to take her classes and responsibilities and the IRL people in her life seriously and not be answering her phone all the time! I hate it when people are with me and they are taking their (non-emergency) cell calls!</p>
<p>dbwes -</p>
<p>"Call whenever you want" - It means to call whenever you want to talk to your child and not base it on "standards" of whether or not you should be calling. It was never implied to expect that your child should take your call if you mistakenly phone him during class or other activities. That is what voicemail is for.</p>
<p>I don't have a problem with the child requesting to call first. My issue was with other posters telling the OP that she should wait to call until her daughter initiated the phone call. If this was never discussed or agreed upon with the child and the parents in the first place, then why imply that it wouldn't be the "right?" thing to do to the parent who is dying to hear from his/her child? That is what I find ridiculous.</p>
<p>I have always been a pretty good judge of the level of involvement that I have had with all of my 7 kids - I have stepped in when it was necessary and stepped away when it was appropriate. I can't imagine any of my kids "limiting" my degree of involvement in their lives once they leave (or having left as with my 2 oldest sons) for school - They never would say that as they know that I "get it" - I understand. But they will always know that I am here for them.</p>
<p>I don't know - Maybe I am just coming form a different place than some of you...</p>
<p>7 kids -- my hat's off to you!<br>
Actually, I think we are all pretty similar on here -- all crazy about our kids.
And our different stories just keep things interesting . . .</p>
<p>Got home an hour ago from taking daughter back for soph year. Just got a text saying that last year's roommate's current room is much nicer than hers and old roommate has her own bathroom. Guess daughter should have applied for an RA position and she would not be in another triple with the bathroom waaaaay down the hall.</p>
<p>Reading all this and remembering my son's freshman year. I really wanted him to call me and of course, he didn't. I hardly ever called him as I didn't want to interrupt him with friends, etc. I wanted to give him the space to get comfortable on his own without me hovering.
I finally sent an email similar to the above and got a fairly immediate response.
Now we are in year three. I get more phone calls/texts/and IMs than I can keep up with. Usually when :
1. something has gone wrong
2. he is looking for money
3. he is waiting for a bus or in a food line, bored and can't think of anyone better to call. </p>
<p>I will say that while I certainly don't think there need to be rules about calling, don't forget that freshman year kids have very little privacy. If you call you can assume that there is at least one roommate in hearing distance.</p>
<p>Here's what worked for me (some has been posted elsewhere):</p>
<p>programmed this text into my pnone: Please call when you can, no rush. Advantage: I did not interrupt class or anything else and he could choose where and when to contact me. I usually heard from him within a couple of hours.</p>
<p>Another prorgammed message: Need to talk to you; please call. Used it only a couple of times for time sensitive issues.</p>
<p>IM: I checked his away messages compulsively for the first month or so. The fact that they changed meant that he was alive!!! Worked really really hard to not initiate contact every time I saw he was on line (you know they can block you, right?) so that he could find his own level of comfort.</p>
<p>Second year was much better than the first. He needed to establish his independence; I needed to adjust to his absence. He contacts me much more often now then he did at first. Common experience.</p>
<p>My son called this morning. He began by telling me that he didn't have much to say, but gave me some info about what he'd been doing. Five minutes into the conversation he explained that he'd forgotten his PIN number.</p>
<p>Tonight I called because I had to ask him something. I apologized to him and promised that I would try not to call and bother him too often. His response??? "That's OK mom, call me whenever you want." I'm torn between being thrilled or worried that he's actually missing us. For right now I'll concentrate on being thrilled.</p>