<p>jjcddg -</p>
<p>Why are you worried that he actually misses you?? Of course he misses you! But what is wrong about that? It is certainly not a "bad" thing - and if he sounds fine on the phone, then why worry??</p>
<p>yes they miss us...and no its not a bad thing. do think they need to find their way at being away and on their own. its always been my mothering style to take my cue from my child as to what they need, even as infants, they knew when they needed to nurse...may sound strange but I still think they know when they need to connect.</p>
<p>My D has been gone for a week and she calls all the time - she just likes to chat so she'll call on the way to class to tell me something funny or tell me what a great crepe she had for breakfast. Not much has changed in that way except it's by phone rather than in person. I say call when you feel like it. The school website section on dealing with the transition actually encourages frequent contact - </p>
<p>Keep up frequent contact through short notes, emails, and phone calls. It is important that parents communicate regularly with their students, even if they do not always receive a reply. Parents should discuss with students their expectations for contact (e.g., "I would hope to hear from you at least . . ." and "I'm anxious for you to keep me up to date on...").</p>
<p>jyber209: Loved your funny message. Seems like one more lesson we need to teach our kids as we move in our adult relationships with them is that they need to contribute their part to the relationship if they want it to work. No relationship survives when one person does all of the calling/giving. Parents should lay out their expectations and desires and then reward positive behavior. They will learn.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I will say that while I certainly don't think there need to be rules about calling, don't forget that freshman year kids have very little privacy. If you call you can assume that there is at least one roommate in hearing distance.
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Could that be why today at the end of my phone call with S2 (ok, ok...I broke down and called!), I said "Love you!" and he said, "mmmmmm....ok, bye"? :)</p>
<p>HisGraceFillsMe: CALL YOUR MOTHER!!!</p>
<p>I guess what my frustration with this thread is this -- For most of us, our child has been away at school for less than a week now yet most posters seem to think that the independent status of their child should be immediate. It has been stated over and over again that the students "need to find their way at being away and on their own" - that was never in doubt or questioned. It just seems to me that many of the parents on this thread are worried that if this doesn't happen right away, then it may never happen. They seem to be avoiding all kinds of contact with their child for fear he/she may become homesick or actually ask for guidance to a problem that they are currently experiencing. They are limiting their phone calls so that they don't "interfere" in their child's life for fear that it may "disrupt" his/her path to independence. College orientation programs are telling the parents to "Lay Off" of their child as soon as they say goodbye - to me, this just seems so ridiculous. These parents seemed so focused on avoiding contact with their child for the sake of his/her "independence" that they tend to "over-react" to the question as to whether or not they should call or get in touch with their child. </p>
<p>Did you (in general) really feel that this "finding their way" was going to happen overnight? Is it really going to be so bad if this "path of independence" is a gradual experience? Do you really feel that your child will be "set back" from achieving this goal if you happen to slip in a phone call every now and then? Do you really think that the feeling of homesickness - of missing your family - is a detriment to this process?</p>
<p>I guess I just don't understand what the "rush" is for your child to become sooo independent so quickly after he/she just recently left home and stepped foot on campus. It will happen - I can guarantee you that fact. But there shouldn't be a "time limit" based on this independence process that results in the parents engaging in a "no contact (or very limited contact) clause" with their child. I responded to this thread because I wanted to let the OP know that she didn't have to feel guilty if she decided to call her daughter first - I wanted other parents to feel good about contacting their child instead of questioning if it was the right thing to do. It makes me feel sad to think that many parents worry about making sure that they are giving their child "space" and therefore not doing what is natural for all of us as parents to do - which is to call your child to see how they are doing and to hear their voice because we want to - and because we miss them. And because they most likely miss us. It isn't interfering. It isn't disruptive. They will still become independent. They will still have their space. They will still find their own way.</p>
<p>I thought I would chime in here from a students perspective. I for one entirely agree with the above post by Heycow. I see absolutely no problem with getting a phone call or text message from my parents. I have just gone from living with them and being around them all the time to living 4 hours away, and I would hardly expect them to limit the lines of communication in order to grant me independence. </p>
<p>Sure there is no reason to talk 3 times a day however, it is not out of the question to exchange an email, text, or phone call once a day. It takes an entire 15 seconds to send a text saying something along the lines of "everything is going well, I'm off to calculus now." And as evidenced in the post of parents in this thread that text will be greatly appreciated. </p>
<p>Perhaps other peoples relationships aren't very strong with their parents. In my opinion, my parents have sacrificed a lot for me and have spent the past 18 years raising me and they deserve to know how things are going in college.</p>
<p>I don't see parents rushing their child out the door, heycow. I see parents here who care enough about the changing roles at play that they don't want to undermine their kids by offering too much unasked for help and slipping into the role of taking on too much control, with the underlying implication that they may not trust the student to succeed on his own.</p>
<p>I admire the parents here who are concerned to find the right balance of separation and support for their freshmen. Putting the child's needs (for indepence, for autonomy, for space) ahead of the mom's need to hear that voice--especially when we really know they are doing fine--is a generous and mature act. If the student hasn't called, texted, emailed--it is not because they don't know how. It's most likely because they are happy and engaged in new friends and activities and are enjoying the feeling of being out on their own. Sometimes our kids need to forget a little about home so he/she can bond with a new home.</p>
<p>I don't think we expect our kids to find their way overnight, but we may want to give the gift of respect so our kids can take their next steps without an overeager parent breathing down their necks.</p>
<p>dmjt, you are an awesome kid. Your kindness to your parents is really thoughtful. But in the first week at a new school, I know many kids (lots are boys) who don't like getting lots of messages from mom. If they call us, however, we're in heaven.</p>
<p>madbean -</p>
<p>I am not an "overeager" parent - if you have read any of my other posts, you would understand my position. I ask you - how is a phone call implying that a parent might not trust their student to succeed?? How can that even be called underminding?? I believe that all parents are "trying to find the right balance of separation and support for their child" - that was never in doubt. But I do take offense at your implying that parents who initiate contact are not putting their child's needs first - Give me a break! And to mention that it is a "gift of respect" if a parent decides to withhold contact from their child as opposed to the parent who chooses to call - that is insulting. You are trying to take out all of the sincerity of my post and that is wrong. I was just voicing my frustration with this thread and trying to understand certain things - I did not insult anyone. Yet you were able to do that with your first few sentences.</p>
<p>Heycow, calm down please. I didn't call you anything, certainly not overeager. I was responding, as you were, to the issues raised in this thread. Please reread your own last post. You called parents "in a rush" and acting out of "fear"--which I assume is your own take on the situation, although perhaps inflamatory to some. I took your post as your sincere feelings as you should take all of ours. If you are frustrated by parents who would like to give their kids room, as many of the experts at colleges across the country have advised, I ask why? No one is telling you not to call your child. We are discussing why some feel it might be best to let the student have this space.</p>
<p>Stop attacking those you don't agree with. No one has attacked you.</p>
<p>Hey - I promise, this is my last post on this subject. I have NEVER once stated that I don't believe in giving your child space - to not give your child room. I believe 100% with the fact about your child gaining his/her independence. I just do not understand why some parents feel that it is so necessary to have this occur immediately to the point where they question whether a simple phone call to their child is the right thing. That is all. Nothing else. I just didn't want these parents to feel bad if they wanted to call their child - that it was OK to do this without interrupting their space. I have never disagreed with the independence issue - isn't that one of the main reasons why we send our kids to college? Thanks for listening everyone...! Best wishes to all of your college kids.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for their opinions. After reading the responses on here, I texted my daughter yesterday and she called me within 15 minutes. She said she is happy, busy and having a great time. After that phone call, she later called her father to update him. And, then she even called me later in the day again to tell me about a meeting with her advisor.</p>
<p>You were all right- it's amazing what a little "Hey, how's it going?" text can do :-)</p>
<p>Good choice Golfgal. I figure we got them there based on our instinct and judgment so I'm not going to abandon those things the day she goes to college. I see no downside to support and that is what you were showing when you called. A friend described it to me as she has read in a book - you provide them with "roots and wings." Just providing the wings isn't enough. Most experts encourage lots of communication at the beginning. I think a myth developed somewhere along the way that we do our kids a favor by dropping them off and not contacting them for a certain period of time. They need to make their own decisions, but hearing that you care about them is a different thing. I think communication during those first weeks is key - they don't have to reciprocate and if they ask you not to, that's a different story, but checking in can't be bad.</p>
<p>I try to email unless there is some kind of emergency. Email feels less interfering to me. There is a freedom of time in regard to answer, so D can answer at her convinience. Texting is expecting answer right away. But it is a personal choice.</p>
<p>madbean--like how you stated parents respecting their kids' needs,balancing with our own need to connect. I am not expecting instant autonomy but am okay with letting my son begin to live independently, which includes choosing when to talk with mom. that said I have heard from him a couple of times and he expressed his love and appreciation for all the support. I trust our bond will continue thru time and space... his sentiment seemed to emerge by having little bit of time to experience his new world...we all need to remember our kids are individuals--there's not one approach that is best--I would likely keep closer tabs on my 2nd child, a daughter, simply because she needs more input, and support. lets all respect that we are all trying to do our best with our own family situation, and each of our childs' needs.</p>
<p>I speak with my daughter a few times a day. We mostly just gossip about her social life and friends. She usually doesn't whine or complain about anything. She has very good friends at school, but she feels more comfortable in discussing certain things with me. She said to me at one point that she thinks there is a co-dependency thing going on here. It works for us now.</p>
<p>Ha! D1 just called to see if I would mind if she bought a new bike seat for my old bike that she took to school! Score! I hated that uncomfortable thing !</p>
<p>Heycow, "back in the day" when we went to college we probably spoke to our parents once a week. We didn't have cell phones (or even phones in individual rooms at my college, just a payphone for each floor), IM, etc. We didn't expect to have instant communication with anyone 24/7/365. If we were homesick or sad, we found/made a friend to talk to, or dealt with it until our weekly phone call home. </p>
<p>I am very close to my kids, but I think the "old" way was probably healthier than today. Any time a kid feels the least bit sad or homesick, he/she can call and be instantly connected to mom (or a hs friend) and expect her to make them feel better. The "old" way, by the time we talked to our parents, the momentary issue/emotion we were having had passed, and we had moved on. In the process, we were learning to deal with things on our own.</p>
<p>I have seen a couple of articles where college administrators are worried, because kids aren't making emotional connections at college as quickly as they used to, and in some cases aren't making them at all, because they're too reliant on cell phones/text/IM to their parents and their high school friends. How can you meet someone or chat with someone between classes if you always have a cell phone in your ear talking to someone who is miles away? How do you build a relationship with new friends when you are spending all your time telling your stories to your parents and your old friends? </p>
<p>I'm not advocating no communication whatsoever, and I think IM and Facebook are great ways kids have to hold on to those high school friendships. But they need to be careful to shift their primary focus away from home and toward school. </p>
<p>So I'm sorry, I respectfully disagree with you about calling our kids whenever we feel like it. It may feel like you're helping your kid, but you're actually keeping them tied to you and hindering their independence. I try to wait for my son (soph) to call me; if we haven't heard from him via phone or email for 5 days or so, I'll drop him an email letting him know we miss him and want to know how things are going. I won't hesitate to call him if there's info I need right away or something important to tell him, but that doesn't happen too often.</p>
<p>(Reminds me of my sister-in-law. Her youngest son was a handful. He had a hard time getting to sleep as a baby/toddler, so she rocked him to sleep every night. It was sweet, but when he was 7 she was still rocking him to sleep. Plus he would NOT sleep if she was not home, he would not go to bed unless SHE rocked him to sleep. She loves being a mom, and would have had more kids if her husband would have agreed. So who was really benefitting from this rocking-to-sleep thing?)</p>
<p>I actually got a wonderful letter from D today - two typed pages using real sentences and paragraphs - not the text speak that I was afraid had taken over. She also wrote one to my mother and I'm sure my mother cried while reading it. I still have the letters that my mom wrote to me freshman year over 30 years ago and she has the ones I wrote her. I read them while visiting last week and I didn't remember any of the stuff I wrote her about. I told her about the weather, tests, the food - all kinds of things. It was like reading someone else's mail though.</p>