Review my essay comment with feedback

<p>Hello everyone! I have one essay done. The topic was a notable experience or the most influential person of my life. I chose the most influential person. Here is my essay please review and comment with Your feedback. </p>

<p>What words could be used to describe an influential figure? Hero is most likely the term that come to mind, but what is heroism? Someone who saves the drowning child? Or does it have further meaning? There could be a different kind of heroism. One of selflessness, generosity. One who possesses said traits is a hero in the sense that they love all mankind and put theirselves last. When that kind of heroism ponders through my head, my grandfather, RIchard, comes to mind. He touched the lives of countless people, and loved giving back to the world that gave him so much. His acts of generosity, and selflessness are ones that will never be forgotten.*</p>

<p>** His generosity could be described through numerous portrayals, but the most generous thing he did for me was give me his values, and pass on his vast knowledge to me. That's one thing I could never thank him enough for. He taught me that the key to a good life was love, and charity. He instilled that in me. He showed me to always love and show a great deal of forgiveness towards any wrong doing that has been done to me.*</p>

<p>** My <em>grandfather's selflessness was often delineated. There's was virtually nothing within reach that he would not to do to give back. An instance was with my older cousin Brian. Brian was deciding on where he wanted to attend college, and he was pondering the thought of getting into real estate/foreclosure law. He dismissed this thought shortly afterwards due to the fact that he would not be able to afford the tuition of a decent law school. My grandfather, once he was made aware that Brian was considering law, flew to Florida the next day, and sat Brian down. He passed his knowledge and inspiration onto Brian. On that day, my grandfather completely changed Brian's life. Not only did he inspire *Brian to take on law, he paid for Brian's college and law school tuition in addition to the five other college tuitions he had paid for. He did this for one reason, he knew that Brian's life would be better as a lawyer than as an accountant or an account executive. He truly cared about everyone, and Brian's life turned out to be one of immense success, and immense happiness. Brian spoke to me recently and told me that story, he said that whenever he went to a party or thought about quitting he remembered where he was, what he was doing, and who got him to that position. He said that he will never let the impact my grandfather had on him be forgotten.</em></p>

<p>*<em>There are truly no words to describe the incredible man that my grandfather was, he was a true hero, in every aspect of the word. The lessons of selflessness, and love that he taught me will never be forgotten. Never since have I ever known such a generous, magnanimous, unforgettable human being. His death on the thirteenth of March in two-thousand four left a void in countless individuals including my family and myself, of course, but the void was filled. It was filled by not his death, but his life. The lessons he taught fill that empty hole in the heart. The only thing about that is, he never died. He began a new life. One not of physical existence, but of existence in the heart of not only myself, but many others as well.</em></p>

<p>I don<code>t think it</code>s a good idea that you post your essay to the world like this. Don`t you have a friend or family member who can give you private advice? I got help from my English teacher.</p>

<p>Heroism can’t “ponder through my head.” You mean: “When I consider that kind of heroism.” Also it is “themselves” not “theirselves.” Try to stay away from passive constructions, e.g… “My *grandfather’s selflessness was often delineated” and “His generosity could be described through numerous portrayals,”</p>

<p>I think you need to find a way to make this essay more about you. I’d eliminate the Brian story and concentrate on explaining this: </p>

<p>“The most generous thing he did for me was give me his values, and pass on his vast knowledge to me. That’s one thing I could never thank him enough for. He taught me that the key to a good life was love, and charity. He instilled that in me. He showed me to always love and show a great deal of forgiveness towards any wrong doing that has been done to me.”</p>

<p>What values and what knowlege did he give you that were so important and how has that affected who you are. That’s what the essay should focus on.</p>

<p>i think posting your essay is a great idea, everybody here at CC has a high standard of integrity and blah blah blah…
yeah, same as qialah. AOs look at the essays to learn about you, not your grandpa richard. They don’t care about your grandpa richard. So more about you, less about your grandpa. :smiley: have fun</p>

<p>@Prephopeful,
Bad idea posting this essay. I wouldn’t post this until you’ve been accepted at schools.</p>

<p>this is way too philosophical. i got bored in the first two sentences. i skimmed through and i saw no surprises. </p>

<p>this will not let you stand out.</p>

<p>Remember, SHOW not TELL in high-class words of philosophy.</p>

<p>Terrible essay. I can’t believe I actually got this bored of an essay posted on College Confidential. You need to get your act together. This type of essay will not help you at all.
Describe a scene that can appeal to the senses.</p>

<p>its NOT a good idea to share your essays before march 10th on the internet. Remember that not everyone are saints and plagiarism exists.</p>