<p>Can you please review my essay.
I would love some feedback to apply some finishing touches before I submit tomorrow</p>
<p>Prompt
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>
<p>Response
Ever since I was a kid, I was fascinated by the world around me. I would love to ask questions and figure out how things worked. I would love to take apart my shiny new toys and put them back together. My fascination continued when I was introduced to computers, and there was no looking back from them on. I tried learning new programming languages, experimented with Photoshop, learnt a bit of Flash and ASP; I was overwhelmed by the endless possibilities. Needless to say, most of my ventures were particularly successful. An instance was when I tried learning C++ in 6th grade; I couldnt comprehend the concepts of OOPS. In 8th grade, my father let me assemble my own computer. We picked up the processor, the motherboard and all the other components separately. I also started reading technology review magazines to broaden my horizon. It was this expansive (and at times useless) information that earned me the reputation of The Computer Guy. People would ask for help, either with their programming assignment or fix some small niggle with their Iphone. It is this reputation that I earned among my peers that I am proud of. My teachers also recognized my efforts, in 9th grade I made it to the robotics team. Our team won the National Championships in India and was sponsored by SAP Labs, India to take part in the First Lego League World Festival. In my second last year in high school, I coached a junior team for the Indian Robot Olympiad, designed a website for the schools cultural fest to highlight a few achievements. In my senior year, I was delighted to be nominated to the post of Cyber Club President. (In our school, students are nominated to posts by teachers; there is no election). As President, I have had an opportunity to conduct events like Programming, Cyber Quiz, etc and involve the participation of my fellow high-school students. In my opinion, my tryst with computers is a fairly accurate reflection of who I am. I am ever willing to give it my all, irrespective of the result. On completion of my task I am more-than-willing help others. Being president has also taught me invaluable lessons on how to be receptive to others ideas and to be a team player, which have helped me grow as an individual.</p>
<p>Not to be negative here, but I think you are just rattling off credentials that the admission officers could easily see on your application.</p>
<p>Wheres your thesis statement?</p>
<p>It doesn’t flow very well at the beginning…maybe add some transitions? Break into paragraphs?</p>
<p>“Programming, Cyber Quiz, etc” never include etc. it just looks like you are trying to say there are more things when they really aren’t</p>
<p>I think you need a much sharper focus, instead of jumping all over the place.</p>
<p>Basically, WAY too much awards + credential info and very little reflection involved.</p>
<p>Some grammatical errors: “more-than-willing [to] help others”
“In my opinion”…repetitive</p>
<p>“Needless to say, most of my ventures were particularly successful.”</p>
<p>you mean to say [not] particularly successful…</p>
<p>I know OOPS stands for object oriented programming but maybe the readers don’t: spell it out.</p>
<p>Hope this helps,</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>It’s “OOP”, not “OOPS”. It’s “iPhone”, not “Iphone”. Go over your grammar carefully.</p>
<p>First of all, I don’t think your essay actually answers what you are being asked. But I guess you have no other place to describe your brilliant childhood, so might as well just stick it in an essay, even if it doesn’t fit. I understand.</p>
<p>As far as your overall essay goes, I agree with WongTongTong - it sounds like you don’t have enough real accomplishments, so you’re just scrambling every little irrelevant thing that you can to put on the essay. C++, ASP, Flash, “OOPS”, ‘Computer Guy’… <em>yawn</em> - in other words, a typical kid who’s interested in computers - nothing special, these kids are in every corner.</p>
<p>Honestly, there’s nothing interesting or impressive on your essay except for the national championship robotics team. Now that is impressive! My suggestion is to expand on this thing in much more detail.</p>
<p>The essay asks about an important experience that makes your proud. Well, start off by briefly saying how you got into computers, then tell the story about your experience of making it on the team and winning national championship, and doing other stuff with it. Explain why it’s important, and how it makes you proud. You can also briefly mention that president thing you did as well.</p>
<p>I think that would make a more ‘mature’ essay.</p>
<p>just because this is an online submission, doesn’t mean it’s less of an “essay” than you’d write for a class. would you submit this to your AP english teacher? what do you think they would say? don’t let the format of submission make you forget how to structure a well-organized and compelling essay. Need hooks or intro, thesis, paragraphs would be nice, conclusion (make space for 1 or 2 more sentences.) </p>
<p>overall, i like your approach of “show, not tell” (maybe too much “show” but I know you want to emphasize your experiences and accomplishments) but the structure is hurting me to read and it’s making the essay seem less purposeful, especially without the thesis.</p>