Revise Common App Essay?

<p>Please help me revise my essay. I feel like it's not very focused, so yeah. help!</p>

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<pre><code> Everyday, I unlock the door and enter my home as my footsteps on the wooden floor and dropping of my backpack create the creaking echoes in my shared studio. I then go to my desk and find the money my mom left me to buy something to eat. The United States did not seem what my mother had originally described. I didn't understand why we had to leave Germany, where my family all lived together in my beautiful brick home. My mother told me that moving to the United States was an opportunity to make our lives even better than they already were.
When I was nine, my mother, siblings, and I left my father behind and moved to America. It was an easy adjustment at first as my siblings and I went to school while my mother worked. As the year went by, my mother started working night shifts to support our family. Eventually, I only saw her late at night dropping down on the bed with a weary face; the cheerful demeanor that I cherished was no longer there.
To help my mother, I started working as a piano teacher at age thirteen. I did not want her to pay for all my sports and club fees, school materials, piano lessons, and clothes, so I started paying for them with money I earned from teaching little kids. Although it was difficult at first to manage students slightly younger than me, I felt proud of myself for easing my mother's burden. Seeing her not having to worry about my expenses made me glad.

After awhile, my siblings left my mother and me to move on with their own paths. As I came home, I was no longer greeted with "hello," but the sound of my own echoes. Although no one was there to tell me to do anything, I started my homework as soon as I closed the door. I learned and studied the material myself, even though I often did not understand the concepts. I continued to do my homework and study until I was finished, and I went to sleep when I felt I needed to. When I got an A or F on a test, no one cared but me. Although I was not rewarded or punished for my grades by my family, I always felt a sense of personal pride when I made an accomplishment.
No one encouraged or discouraged me from joining all my school and extracurricular activities, working as a piano teacher, or taking the most rigorous courses in school. I became my own parent as I had to teach myself right from wrong. Not having my family around was difficult, but this allowed me to gain self-control as I know when I should go to bed, how to study, or how much money I should spend. Despite the beautiful life I had in the past, I am appreciative of learning how to take care of myself. I am proud to have discovered my newfound independence.
</code></pre>

<p>Not a great idea to put essays online, but here’s some grammatical things you might want to change;</p>

<p>“find the money my mom left me to buy something to eat”- should be “my mom leaves me”</p>

<p>“After awhile, my siblings left…” should be “a while”.</p>

<p>“As I came home,”- “When I came home” or “Now, when I came home,”</p>

<p>“when I made an accomplishment”- I think this should be “had an accomplishment” or even better, “accomplished something”.</p>

<p>IMPORTANT : <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1466-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/1466-posting-essays-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Oh thank you. Yeah, this is my first time on this site. Do you know how to delete a post now that I know?</p>