Revise my UC Personal Statement?

<p>Hi! I would really appreciate if someone could revise my personal statement! </p>

<p>prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>For a split second, my entire body was in the air. My hand propelled my whole body upwards, and for a moment, I felt like I was levitating. My ears were ringing with a continuous beat and I felt my body starting to fall. I braced my right hand for impact and connected with the floor. No other part of my body touched the floor, and suddenly the entire room was filled with uproarious applause. I had done it! My breathing was calm and I continued to hop in a circular motion on my right hand for about fifteen rounds. The crowd does not stop applauding until I had completely finished my dance. People in the wings of the stage congratulated me and looked upon me with certain awe. They bombarded me with high fives and pats on the back as I step off stage. The feeling was euphoric.
Breakdancing has been part of my life ever since the beginning of my freshman year. I came into high school as an average fourteen year old child. I felt nervous, and I didn’t have the slightest inkling of what to expect. I had no great musical talents or amazing mathematical skills. One day in my physical education class, I saw a couple of boys by the bleachers seemingly doing push-ups. When I approached closer, I realized that they were actually breakdancing. Their twisting and contorting movements mesmerized me. As I watched, something sparked inside me and motivated me to learn this dance. I went home and attempted it. Almost immediately, I learned that this would not be a simple task. I started practicing at school, and soon other kids started pointing and laughing, teasing me about how badly I danced. They made harsh comments about how I acted like a “poser”, trying to copy the other dancers and claim that I would never reach their level. Nobody supported me.
Despite everyone’s jeers and discouragements, I remained steadfast and optimistic. I ignored them and continued to dance anyways because I was able to express my creativity and it provided me with joy. As days went by, my skills improved. Even the dancers that I had seen during physical education seemed impressed by my determination and efforts. I soon became an exceptional break dancer and even performed at events like school dance shows, community showcases, and city dance competitions. My reputation increased, and people had a newfound respect for my dancing. Soon, other kids were coming to the dance studio asking me and the other break dancers, if we could teach them how to breakdance. I realized that we had started a legacy. I am one of the first break dancers at in my school, but I would certainly not be the last.
Dancing did not only improve my physique, but it also taught me focus and concentration. I realized that in dance, you must focus only on executing your move flawlessly, so that you do not injure yourself. I noticed that if I apply what I learned in dance to other sports and academic studies, my status in that area improves. My martial arts instructor was astonished that my endurance and speed had drastically increased in a short amount of time. Every day, I would practice for up to two or three hours while juggling my school academics and extra-curricular activities. I vividly remember one day in junior year, when I had to study for history exam, finish an entire painting, complete a merit badge for Boy Scout rank advancement, and practice dancing for the school’s dance show all in one day. It was hectic, but nevertheless I trudged on through and accomplished all of my goals.
Through dance, I proved to myself that I could accomplish my own goals if I just put in some effort. Breakdancing also boosted my self-confidence knowing that I can tackle any challenge I choose. I loved the feeling of accomplishment when I perfected a difficult move without anyone’s help but my own. Despite the countless cuts, bruises, and even a broken left arm, nothing stopped me from dancing. For me, breakdancing exceeds that of being just a hobby; it defines me as an individual.</p>

<p>This is actually pretty solid! However I think you can cut down all that buildup in the first paragraph and use the rest of your available word count to elaborate more on answering the question of what about breakdancing makes you proud.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Good luck!</p>

<p>Oh alright! Thank you very much!</p>

<p>Wow. One of my first common app essay drafts looks JUST like this (my current one is completely different although still about bboying)! Overall it was well written, but I agree with weedbythewall; cut down on the description in the first part a little and focus more on how bboying has affected you. </p>

<p>By the way, were you doing jackhammers in the first paragraph?</p>

<p>Haha holy crap! Yes, i was doing jackhammers! My teacher thought it would be a good a idea to write about bboying!</p>