Rice ED essay introduction, need feedback ASAP!! Posted, so no time lapse for PMing

College Essays
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<p>“I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.” – Police Chief Wiggum. I chose to start with this quote not because it specifically applies to the topic, but because it is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard and I wanted to share it with you. You see, I could’ve written this essay about how I overcame the situation of my father going to jail when I was in elementary school, or about my job as an accountant of this past summer, and I did in fact write both of those essays. But since neither described me, neither actually felt like me, I figured I would give this one a try: simply an essay where I try to put 17 years of personal experiences and their effects into two to three neatly typed double-spaced pages. So prepare to be amazed, bedazzled, have your heart broken, and then repaired. Prepare to maybe even cry a little, but in the end be left with a warm feeling inside and the thought that if you just believe, everything will be ok. Prepare to meet Austin.</p>

<p>what do you think? im going pretty bold with this, i know</p>

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<p>Hmm, i wish one of the 30 people who had viewed this had decided to post feedback :(</p>

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<p>Bump id REALLY appreciate feeback. Ill chance, read other essays, whatever i need to do!!</p>

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<p>i like it, but admissions officers might think you’re being a smartass.</p>

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<p>I’d suggest taking out the “prepare to be dazzled…” sounds a bit arrogant, just go ahead and give them what you’ve got…</p>

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<p>I agree with the others; you sound way too arrogant. What happens if the admissions reader isn’t bedazzled or left to tears? You are responsible for your words. And honestly, do you really think that quote is the most hilarious thing you’ve ever heard? Because I don’t think it’s that hilarious or funny at all… But I’m just being blunt here.</p>

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<p>Hmm, well if you guys think its arrogant, i certainly will consider that, but i think that you MAY be looking at it in the wrong light. I think it is pretty obvious that the reader isnt actually going to feel all of those emotions, it is hyperbolic humor; it is just an introduction for an essay about myself, and im setting it up in a 30s circus show like fashion, as comic relief. And im actually kind of surprised that everyone thought i was being serious…</p>

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<p>Oh and to reply to ponders post, i know the intro might risk having that judgement, so im going to try to come off as humble as possible in the rest of the essay</p>

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<p>I didn’t say they might think you’re being serious. I said they might think you’re trying to be too cute, as did most of these other posters, I’m certain.</p>

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<p>Ponder, as you’ll see i responded to your post in a different post :)</p>

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<p>In all honesty, if the majority of posters don’t like/feel that your introduction is arrogant, than most likely the admissions officer would feel the same way. why don’t you just go right to the point of your essay instead of using hyperbole and paralipsis? just a thought.</p>

12

<p>Personally I don’t think letting the adcoms in on the thought process around what you could have written, or why what you didn’t write wasn’t “you” is a particularly powerful beginning. </p>

<p>You also don’t need to tell them what you are going to try–just do it.</p>