Rocky Roommates

College Life
1

I am not homesick and I don’t think I chose the wrong school. I just am having a hard time with friends. I wasn’t originally, but now I am.

So some context, I’m a freshman film major at NYU. I live in a suite with five other girls. Throughout Welcome Week two of my suitemates and I were constantly hanging out and going to the same events and everything was great. I had gone into college thinking I just need to live with my roommates, get along with them to some degree, but it had seemed at the time that I had gotten really lucky and my roommates could be my friends. There was also one other girl from my high school that ended up coming to NYU. She was placed in the same dorm and so I was spending time with her too. I introduced the three of them. Anyway, over the last week and a half, maybe a little more, I have become annexed from the group. It started with having conversations about getting dinner together and them going without me, small things like that. I thought I was being over sensitive at the time. Then I realized they were consistently not inviting me when they would all hang out. Then I would hear them talking about me. They made fun of ridiculous things like how much tape I had used to hang up the cleaning checklist. The other night I overheard the girl from my high school joke with them about how she had canceled plans with me just because they were with me, and I watched the next day as she hung out with them in a setting not even similar to the excuse she gave me. They hang out in our common area constantly. If I were to walk through they would get quiet and then laugh. If another roommate were to walk out they would ask her to join them. The other day there happened to be a mouse that got into my room and they made so many rude jokes about it that my roommates guest (my roommate feels the same way I do) commented on it after they left.

It sucks but I get it. Not everyone always has to be friends. I don’t know what happened, what I did to become social target number one, but whatever these people don’t have to be my friends. I would be okay with that except now I am alone and the time for meeting people feels like it has ended. These were the people I hung out with during Welcome Week when everybody was trying to make friends. These were the people I spent all my time with until just recently it became toxic. Now I don’t really know what to do.

My best friend says to talk to people in my classes, but most of my classes are big and people seem to already know each other. I see people come in and call to their friends or huddle with them. A lot of kids came into this major already having done the summer program, already having know 40-50 kids.

Plus during Welcome Week I had a upperclassman tell me you don’t meet people in classes because we all act like New Yorkers and sit silent facing forward. I was hoping she was wrong, but she seems pretty much right.

And NYU is big. I thought it wouldn’t really matter because you’re in the midst of the city anyway. You won’t notice whether the school contains 5,000 total kids of 5,000 total freshmen. I was wrong. I don’t regret choosing NYU, but I definitely think it makes this harder. I see people I can figure are students all the time, but since we’re not on a campus it just doesn’t seem possible to do anything about it.

Anyway, I’m just finding it hard now. I don’t really know what to do. I had a hard time in high school with friends and I was really hoping it wouldn’t carry over to college. I just feel like I’m living my greatest fear and I would really appreciate some advice.

(As I can hear the two roommates being so loud in the common area as they always are.)

2

It sounds like your roommate is friendly, even if your suitemates are not. You could try getting closer to her. The main thing though is to find some clubs, organizations and activities to get involved with on and off campus that reflect your interests, so you can meet people with similar interests to become friends with. This will take some time, but it is the way to find the smaller groups of people to see regularly enough for friendships to form. If the suitemates continue this behavior, it might be worth looking into ways to switch to different housing when possible, because it is no fun to feel uncomfortable in your own living space. In the meantime, stay positive and confident and most of all patient as you build your life and find your people.

3

I’m really sorry you are being targeted by this ridiculous, mean girl stuff. Better you find out the true color of these people before you wasted more time. They are childish. A lot of these little friendship cliques that initially form don’t last. They are often based on convenience and proximity not shared values and common interests. So, it’s not to late to make friend - the good kind of friends. It will require you putting in effort and getting involved in clubs and activities that interest you. Do hat now and you’ll be ahead of the curve. The time to meet new, interesting people never ends.

4

The “friend’s” behavior sounds very immature and “high schoolish”. Nobody needs that. It’s unfortunate that this has happened but try to press on. I agree that it’s not too late to make friends. The previous poster gave you some great advice and the only thing I have to add is if you have time for a job, that might give you an outlet as well as a place to meet people. It is true - “the time to meet new, interesting people never ends.” I love that quote! Hang in there.

5

talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html

6

This is very common. The same thing happened to my daughter last year. She was very upset, but realized that the situation was making her unhappy, so she left that group and eventually found other friends. Yes, she did spend a few weekends in her own, but she had to get through it. She had to find her people, and she eventually did.

They are not your people. All of these new friend groups are temporary and will shift and change, as they have already started doing. It feels horrible if you are the one being excluded, but realize that it’s temporary. Just keep doing what you have been doing, and I promise you, you will be okay. Try not to take it too personally. It would be another person if it wasn’t you, and are they really the type of people you want to hang out with if they treat others like this? Just get through a day at a time, and take advantge of whatever social opportunities come your way. You may spend time in your room alone on a weekend, but you will get through it. Your people are there and you will find them, but it all takes time.

7

I am trying to join clubs, but a lot of them you have to apply and be accepted to. I also try to talk to people in my classes, but usually people don’t really want to talk or we have a simple conversation and then nothing more. I am trying, and I just feel really unsuccessful. The girls that I live with continue to act childish and petty. I’ve noticed that they’re really nosy about everything I do, and so when I got a package yesterday and they asked me what was in it I said nothing. It happened to be a magnetic paper towel holder I had ordered for our suite to clear up counter space and be convenient. I put it up and about an hour later I walked out of my room, was about to walk back in and right before I closed the door one of them was like “I thought the package was nothing.” I replied that it was nothing. They asked again. Then I said it wasn’t a big deal it was nothing and they were like “Obviously it matters to you if you ordered it.” I could tell they were annoyed said it was nothing again and slipped into my room. The second my door closed laughter erupted. It’s just little things like that. I don’t think I’m going to try and move because I like where I live location wise and I get along with the girl I share a room with really well and it also is just a lot of work in NYC. Also obviously I’m not going to give up, I’m just finding it hard still. Pretty much an update.

8

I don’t know your roommates obviously, but if someone were to get a package I think it’s a fairly innocuous question to to ask the recipient of a package what is in it. I probably would just to make conversation. Perhaps if you had simply answered truthfully about the contents it could have started a conversation rather than putting you in an adversarial role. I’m not saying this to criticize, but just as an opportunity to find a way to better communicate with the roommates.

9

I feel bad for you @CathJR . I’m a parent and I have read several posts on CC in the last few weeks about roommate problems. It makes me upset that people can be so rude and hateful to each other. I really don’t get it. I may be an old fogey, but I think social media has a lot to do with this kind of poor social behavior. It has become normalized in the past decade to the point where people think it’s acceptable. I also think that a lot of students aren’t used to sharing rooms or spaces and are clueless about group living etiquette.

I don’t think ignoring them is the best option. You shouldn’t have to be subjected to that kind of rude and hurtful behavior in your own “home” especially for a whole semester or year. For Pete’s sake, you have the right to your privacy and you don’t need to tell people what you receive in the mail. Much less getting harassed and laughed at over something that you bought that was helpful for them.

I would suggest to find at time (perhaps right after they make a rude remark) to just address them calmly and say something like “I’m sorry if I offended you all or did something that made you decide to treat me the way you do, but I want you to know that the way you treat me is hurtful. We don’t have to be friends, but we do have to live together, so can we please just act like adults and be polite with each other?” If you do it in a non-confrontational manner, hopefully they’ll realize that they are behaving like middle school mean girls. I can see them denying that they have treated you badly, and then your could say “Well, maybe I’m being too sensitive, but that’s the way I feel so I thought I’d talk to you about it. I just want us to be able to live together and be comfortable with each other.” With this approach, you’re letting them know that you are not just going to let them continue to treat you badly. Sometimes in life you have to speak your mind and let people know that they can’t treat you like a doormat. I’m generally a shy person, and I’ve found that throughout my life, people have taken advantage of my quiet nature. Yet a few times in difficult situations, I’ve spoken up for myself and gotten good results.

I’m sorry - that’s all I’ve got. I wish you luck and agree with the others - this isn’t a you problem, it’s a them problem, so try not to take it personally.

10

@jumpermom No, I understand that it is typically a normal question, but I personally feel it is kind of different with my roommates. Right when we moved in I had a few packages arrive of stuff I hadn’t brought with me, and jokingly they began to say I was addicted to shopping. Then they became kind of relentless with the joke. I would leave for class and they would ask if I was going to buy something, or when I got a package from my mom they made jokes about how I couldn’t control my spending. I have also noticed that these two will always always ask me where I am going and what I am doing, usually not in a super friendly tone, and that they won’t do this with our other suitemates. So, when I walked into the suite and one of them said in a snarky tone, “Another package?” I wasn’t really wanting to share the contents of the package, nor do I think they need to know everything about my life. I know that usually this is a simple question. If somebody else had asked I probably would have answered, but in this situation and it was just another build upon all the tension.

11

You know there is a rule. Never be rude to people from your hometown. Clearly this girl has no moral compass but she should know the rule. It will come back to bite you. Are your families in contact back home?

12

@LeastComplicated You and my mother share the same opinion. I am not adverse to confronting them, but I haven’t thought there has been the right moment to do so. Yesterday, when they were bothering me about the package, might’ve been, but it happened right as I need to leave for class and I wasn’t going to be late because of them. My roommate and I also are waiting for our suite to have to sit down and fill out our living agreement, which is supposed to be sometime soon. So then might be the best time to bring it up. We’ll see. Thank you though for your advice and I will definitely consider it!

13

@gearmom The girl from my high school, her family and my family aren’t friends, but we do have a lot of mutual friends from high school. I’ve found that she doesn’t completely ignore me, she does say hi or wave sometimes, but that is the minority of the times I see her. Oh well at this point.

14

I’m sorry this happened to you and hopefully it’s all part of an adjustment process that will work itself out in time. Maybe you won’t be friends with these girls, but hopefully the novelty of being mean girls will lose it’s appeal with time. In the meantime, rise above it and know that the problem is them, not you. If not you, it would have been someone else, girls like this always look for a target. The fact that you get along with your actual roommate is very fortunate, so try to focus on your relationship with her. If clubs are exclusive and you need to be accepted, then try to find an campus organization/charity where you can volunteer. People never turn down free help. And one of the good things about volunteering is that you get the added boost of feeling good about yourself for helping other people. Most of all, remember you are only one month into freshman year. You are so young and things are so new. The way things are now will not last, they will get better. Either the other girls will get better or you will make other friends and stop caring.

15

Here is some very easy, and obvious advice, that I wish my daughter had used when she had a similar situation last year: stop trying. Just be yourself. I honestly think part of the problem for my daughter last year is that she tried too hard in the beginning. And yes, it is still the beginning. College Res Life advisors say that six weeks is the magic mark when people start relaxing. It’s not new anymore. Everyone is no longer just trying to put on their best face, and things are now becoming routine and normal. Just relax about it and give it some time. And if the people you know now are being awkward, move on from them. They aren’t who you need. It will happen, be patient. I promise things will improve.

Please read my pinned post: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc.html#latest

16

I’ve been thinking about your situation. Here are a couple of possibilities to consider in terms of how to deal with the passive-aggressive Mean Girl behavior & comments:

Option #1:
One of the Mean Girls asks you a question. But when she asks the question, your Spidey Sense tells you, “What the heck did she just say?” and you suspect that she’s not asking just to be nice and it’s not innocent…it’s intended to be a Mean Girl sort of question…you just repeat the question back to her. I’ve done this sort of thing before with people who are super passive-aggressive and it does work. Here’s an example:

Mean Girl (MG): So…another PACKAGE?
You: Another package?
MG: Yeah. You got ANOTHER package?
You: I got ANOTHER package? Well, that does appear to be what this is! Gotta run to class! See you later! Have a good one! (but you say all of this in a tone of voice that totally ignores the obviously passive-aggressive Mean Girl stuff that she is trying to pull. Trust me…it sets people like this off balance when you don’t take their bait.)

Option #2:
This is a variation on Option #1. You’d use it when Mean Girl(s) turn the conversation to more abrasive, obviously more hurtful passive-aggressive comments. You asked a question earlier in this thread…you were wondering when is the right time to bring up with them the stuff they’ve said/done that’s been hurtful to you.

When is the right time? Right when it happens. I had to learn this lesson the hard way myself. Here’s an example:

MG: So…another PACKAGE?
You: Another package?
MG: Yeah. You got ANOTHER package? How’s that SHOPPING addiction going for you?
You: A shopping addiction? What do you mean?
MG: Oh you know… (laughs sarcastically)
You: I don’t know what you mean. You seem to be implying that I have some sort of problem. What exactly would that problem be in your opinion?
MG: Oh get real, everybody knows you shop all the time. Hahaha! (laughs sarcastically again)
You: I don’t know what your problem is. For the record, not all of this stuff getting sent to me is stuff purchased online. Some of it are care packages sent by my parents. But it’s not like any of that is really any of your business. It’s pretty sad that you are so wrapped up in the comings and goings of my mail that you are obsessed with what’s inside every box. You know what? I feel sorry for you. Maybe you should consider joining a club or something. Get out and have some fun instead of waiting to see what came in the mail for me.

You: And you know what else? I know exactly what you guys do when I leave the room. You mock me and make fun of me. Go ahead. I don’t care. You are one of thousands of other students here at NYU and you are one of millions of people in New York City. You don’t matter any more than I do. You need to get a life and grow up. We’re not in 7th grade anymore. Get a grip.

…so what you basically do is call her on it. Label her behavior and her games to her face. Call her passive-aggressive. You think she’s being rude and mean? TELL HER! Don’t wait. Queen Bees and Mean Girls pretty much count on the Target to be quiet and slunk off to be miserable in a corner.

Then once you’ve called her on it, count on the Mean Girl antics ramping up a bit. More laughing. More mocking. Call her on it every single time it happens.

When your high school friend/roommate goes along with their antics? You should call her on it, too. Public shaming in front of all of the Mean Girls. Don’t be aggressive. Just be assertive about it. Practice by yourself out loud in a private bathroom if you have to.

Then you just carry on with your day and your life and don’t let those fools get you down. They pick on people because they are insecure. About this time next year, all of this year’s nonsense will probably be something that you’ll laugh at. You’ll laugh at how immature and stupid those girls were being toward you.

So you’re not in their tribe. That’s fine. They aren’t the sort of people you’d want in your tribe anyway. You will find your tribe at NYU. It’s just going to take some time. Hang in there. You have a good head on your shoulders and you’re doing great.

17

I would highly recommend reading the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” It’s written by Rosalind Wiseman. It’s really written to a target audience of parents who have daughters in elementary, junior high, and high school. But an awful lot of the stuff in that book does happen between adult women. It has some very helpful suggestions in how to deal with passive-aggressive females.

If you don’t want them to see you reading it, purchase it as an e-book and read it on your phone, tablet, or computer.

18

@tucsonmom Not only did your post make me laugh with your clever writing, but it’s something I will honestly try. And I love that you happened to use the word tribe because at least in Tisch finding your tribe is a thing. Thank you for your post. The same to @Lindagaf. Both of your advice is very helpful and sincere and I truly appreciate it.

19

Tusconmom’s Option #2 is what I had to use one time at work in my younger days when an older woman with an attitude in my division was always trying to boss me around and she was in no way my supervisor. Like I said, I’m sort of shy and non-confrontational (but losing a lot of that as I get older, lol). So I had to rehearse in my head what I was going to say the next time she started ordering me around, and when that moment came, I looked her in the eye and told her “You know, you are not my supervisor, and you are not my mother, so I’d like to know why you think you can tell me what to do!” She looked at me in shock, and I actually rendered her speechless, lol. She backed off after I made the point that she was out of bounds and I didn’t have as many problems with her after that.

I thought about advising you to respond to them with an “in your face” attitude also in my earlier post, but I do think it’s best trying the diplomatic approach or the stealthy Option #1 for starters. If that doesn’t work, then I agree, sometimes you just have call people on their bad behavior in a blunt and direct way.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! I hope things get better soon.