I will be starting as a first year in the fall and just found out who my roommate is. I sent her a text and she seems very rigid and robotic, and I understand that may be just how she texts, but it’s throwing me off a little bit. She’s the complete opposite of me from what’s she’s said, I am a social butterfly I love being active and trying new things and meeting people; but she said she likes to go on walks alone and doesn’t plan on going out on the weekends. She is a morning person and I am a night person. I then, stupidly, proceeded to ask her if having my sister (who I’m very close with) and/or boyfriend (who goes to university 2 hours away) is ok, and realized what a bad mistake it was to ask. She said absolutely no boyfriends staying over night as she don’t comfortable with it. My issue now is how do I have him come stay over if he’s traveling from two hours away and obviously won’t drive home the same day. If he comes for a weekend it’s absolutely ridiculous to expect him to stay in a hotel which is expensive for a college student when there is a perfectly good floor in my room or even on my mattress. We are both paying the same amount for room and board, I deserve to have guests on my side of the room. Obviously we would be courteous and not be sexual or weird while she’s there and would warn her if we were planning on it…but the college allows guest and it’s already long distance I don’t see the issue with him coming for one night every 5 weeks or so. Maybe not even that. Plz help 
That’s not a big deal.
You can and should acquiesce to her demands. She has to sleep there as well, and some people don’t feel comfortable with a strange guy sleeping in an already cramped room. I’ve slept in my car plenty of times. Not a big deal.
No it’s not ridiculous, and again, plenty of people figure out solutions that do not involve violating the privacy of another person.
She also deserves to be able to veto your request since she’s paying the same amount for room and board.
There are usually 18 weeks in a semester. Can you and your boyfriend really not pay for a cheap motel room one night every five weeks? If the two of you pay $50 for a room, that’s $25 a person, so $75 a semester. Certainly doable if you just cut out minor expenses. If you want to sexile her, do so during the afternoon, and even then, only for a few hours max.
Colleges allow guests IF the roommate is okay with it. Your options are to switch rooms or suck it up. I’d look into what your switching options are.
Don’t hold her being an introvert against her though. I suffered through two successive social butterfly / night owl roommates last year. You have to learn to live with people who aren’t like you. You don’t have to be best friends.
If I wanted to be told what I can and can’t do I would have stayed at home and lived my parents. College is about becoming an adult and learning to mature and grow. I’m willing to compromise if she wants him to sleep on the floor or whatever. But it’s not like I’m asking a ridiculous amount from her. ONE night every 5-7 weeks, maybe not even that depending on how busy we are. I don’t plan on sexiling her at all actually. That’s what cars are for. But The process to switch rooms requires a mandatory mediation process before you are considered to switch.
“Becoming an adult” does not equal “letting a strange man sleep in your room.”
I encourage the OP to learn the specific rules for the dorms at her university. At UW-Madison, for example, the guest policy includes this language “Residents should discuss with their roommate their desire to host an overnight guest and work together to agree on expectations. Residents should utilize their roommate agreement to establish these expectations and refer to them throughout the year. Guests are not permitted without each roommate’s consent.”
I’m just quoting for the irony.
Adults can buy hotel rooms if they don’t like the “rules” of the space they’re staying.
Yes, it is your room but it is also hers. It is NOT his. She can’t say no to you but she can sure as hell say no to him.
^ Well, I saw that part and wondered how the OP would ever survive in the workplace if she doesn’t expect to ever be told what to do. My most active roommate seemed to enjoy renting a room at the local Howard Johnson’s.
Being adults doesn’t mean that she has to feel uncomfortable or otherwise have nowhere to sleep; it means that you need to learn to respect others’ boundaries and realize that things don’t always go the way you’d want.
I’m introverted and not into partying, but that doesn’t mean I have no social skills or that my discomfort with having a strange man in my room is any less valid.
A resident’s guest (whether a student from another area, commuter, or someone not affiliated with Our school) may stay no more than four days in a given month and at no time should a roommate be displaced. Residents are responsible for informing their guests of College policies and are also responsible for the behavior of guests while on campus. Guests who are not members of the College community and who are in violation of College policies may be asked to leave the campus, and hosts may face disciplinary action.
Becoming an adult does not mean expecting your roommate to obey to each and every one of your commands, which I am doing for her. She is picky and expects many things from me. I don’t mind doing some things for her if in return I get to have my one fucking night with my boyfriend who I won’t see for long periods of time. She has already put a ban on FaceTiming him, as the conversations between couples is weird for her, she says. Idk how she expects to get anywhere if she throws a temper tantrum when somebody won’t do as she says. I am asking for nothing but a few visits per semester. While i will be putting up with mrs high maintenance over here. Being an adult means compromising, not on everything but things that are important to the other. So like I said he can sleep on the ground, he won’t be around much anyways. But she does not get her way on everything she wants, which she seems to think will fly.
There is more about the guest policy in the resident life handbook for your university:
Visitation: What is the visiting policy?
(Your U) has attempted to develop a degree of flexibility to accommodate varying lifestyles. As a result, we have an open visiting policy. We have confidence in the ability and inclination of (your U) students to make mature decisions about their social behavior. We also believe that no individual has the right to infringe upon another’s freedom, privacy, and safety, and that students are willing to accept both the rights and responsibilities of such a policy. Our policy should not be construed as permission for members of the opposite sex to sleep overnight or to conduct themselves in such a way as to invade another individual’s privacy. Students are permitted to have overnight guests for a maximum of four nights in a given month. Students are held responsible for the actions of their guests. (Your U) does not have curfew
Pretty wishy-washy!
I agree with the others. You are paying for half the room but so is she. You both have the right to sleep in the room, but your boyfriend does not. Having a guest spend the night is not a right you have if you’re living in a shared space. If you knew you were going to want your boyfriend to sleep over, then you should have gotten a single. Then you can live with your own rules (obviously within the rules of your school’s housing policies).
Not wanting your boyfriend sleep in her room does not mean that she is immature. It’s immature to stomp your feet when you can’t get your way. To be honest, I’m not even sure why you asked her permission when clearly you were not willing to accept no as an answer. It’s a good thing you asked, of course, and you should definitely have asked. But you also have to be willing to accept no as answer. It does make me nervous that you think it was a mistake to ask though. What do you think would have been smarter–just having him show up and expecting her to be okay with it? That’s much worse, inconsiderate, and quite frankly, immature.
So now it might be time for you to become an adult and learn to mature and grow. You can see if you can come to a compromise, but the best compromise you might get is that your sister can stay but your boyfriend can’t. You can’t force your roommate to allow your boyfriend to sleep in your shared room. If you can’t come to a compromise that pleases you both, then apply for a room switch. Who cares if there’s a mandatory mediation process? Go through it, and explain your situation. That’s also part of being an adult–doing unpleasant things to get what you want. I highly recommend you try to get a single. Even if they are all full, see if you can get on a waitlist.
Or you can just learn to live with it. You can try to see how things go throughout the year. Maybe there will be a weekend when she’s visiting home or out of town, and your boyfriend can come over then. Maybe later in the year, she’ll be willing to sleep over with a friend. Maybe after your boyfriend visits a couple of times (and doesn’t spend the night in the room!) and she has the chance to meet him, she’ll be more open to him spending the night since he’s not a complete stranger. Or maybe she’ll never be okay with him spending the night. Rent a motel room or go visit him instead of him coming to you. He can also just go home at the end of the night (2 hours is NOT too far to drive at the end of the day–I’ve visited friends plenty of times in one day, driving two hours there and two hours back). Or he can sleep in his car, if the weather is permitting (he’s not at risk for freezing or anything).
A ban on Facetiming him hardly seems fair, and I’m 100% she has zero power to enforce that. The same as talking on the phone in the room- not at all invasive, so long as it’s not late at night when she’s trying to sleep.
As for the guest part, eh, I see both sides. I brought my boyfriend to stay twice during the year, and there’s no way I would’ve had him stay in a hotel or anything crazy. That being said, I warned my roommate well in advance so she could let me know if she wanted him to stay on the floor or she could make arrangements to sleep in a friend’s room. Consider finding a friend, male or female, who will let your boyfriend sleep on your floor if necessary- seems like the best option.
I would look into a roomie switch once there, though.
You haven’t even met her yet and are coming to all these conclusions on how things will be? Am I totally showing my mom-age if I suggest you actually pick up the phone and have a real conversation instead of deciding what you think of your future roommate based solely on texting?
It sounds like both of you aren’t handling this well, but especially you. You seem to have a lot of general misconceptions about adulthood and maturity. She she doesn’t seem to be fully fair and a bit ridiculous if she’s asked you not to facetime, you’re being even more ridiculous to demand guests. While I think it’s something people should be fine with, it’s in every way her right to say no to overnight guests.
I would drop this until you can meet in person. Don’t plan things out until you get there in this case. Face to face you can make better points and hopefully try to compromise before you go the switching rooms route. Though, if it does come to that, bringing up the proposed ban on facetime is a good place to start for showing administration incompatibility as that’s a bit silly on her part. I’m with you there.
But…
This is pure irony.
It sounds like for some reasons, a roommate switch will make sense, but the guests part has nothing to do with it. It sounds like her one valid, clear cut line that she has a right to draw.
I would fight your roommate’s facetime rule, otherwise she is within reasonable bounds requesting that your boyfriend cannot stay over as posters above have explained.
Have you considered maybe visiting your boyfriend and staying with him for the night?
I have not thrown any temper tantrums. I told her I will not accept the ban on FaceTime and she responded in all caps ranting about why it was weird for her, another issue is when I said I would like to have my sister down every now and then and she said that it’s completely unacceptable, and by have my sis down I meant for the day. Not to stay. Her response was ridiculous, she said that we could go anywhere on campus except the rooms me got very angry when I told her I didn’t like that. So I am not the one throwing tantrums here…
I don’t think an outright ban on Facetiming is appropriate, but I see part of her point. My D2’s roommate Skyped for hours nightly with her SO last year, and D2 said it was like having a third uninvited roommate. And D2 likes the guy… You might suggest a compromise of half an hour a night in the room on FaceTime with him, and beyond that you will head to your dorm lounge or the hall or someplace else on campus. Regarding the sleepovers, go pay for a hotel room.
One more thought, maybe engage your RA on this when you get to campus. Some schools encourage roommate “contracts” where this kind of stuff is spelled out. Sounds to me like neither of you has much skill in negotiating and compromising, so a 3rd party could help.