Roomate Selection

Parent Cafe
1

<p>S will be attending a SLAC far from home. As luck would have it, a high school classmate with whom he is friendly, but not friends, will also be attending the same school. They share several common interests and acquaintance is known to be 'a good guy.' S is wondering if they should try to room together (assuming living habits are compatible).</p>

<p>I think he'd be better off rooming with someone new: He'll certainly see 'good guy' around since the campus is small and they share ECs. They may even want to travel to and from school together-but by being open to new people, he'll increase his number of contacts greatly if they don't room together. And if things go badly for some reason, it would be more unfortunate than if that person was a total stranger.</p>

<p>Spouse feels that the upside (more new friends) isn't justified by the downside (a potentially incompatible room-mate who makes your life hard). He says there's plenty of opportunity to meet new people and having a little security that your room-mate is someone you know to be a decent guy, just reduces the uncertainly of the freshman year.</p>

<p>Thoughts?</p>

2

<p>On a practical note, have you investigated whether the SLAC will allow the two boys to select each other as roommates? Many schools don’t.</p>

3

<p>Sounds like you and H have already thought it out - all the pluses and minuses are laid out. Now your son will just have to decide which way to go.</p>

<p>Both of my D’s roomed with strangers. Older D had the option of rooming with a couple of girls from our town who she knew, but did not know that well. She did know them well enough to know that she thought they would NOT be compatible. That being said, there were several problems and she did not remain roommates with any of the other 3 girls in her original freshman room (suite). I also think it is a fluke if you happen to hit it off with a total random stranger you room with.</p>

<p>Younger D is rooming with someone she has absolutely nothing in common with. They live completely parallel lives, but it has worked so far. They are not rooming together next year. Sometimes I think girls are a little harder to please when it comes to roommates than guys. There is no one from younger D’s school who attends the same university.</p>

<p>My nephew had a stranger as a roommate this year and they are rooming together again next year.</p>

<p>I think you can do as much or as little with your roommate as you want. I may be inclined to side with your spouse. If this fellow is suppose to be a good guy, your son finds they are compatible in sleep habits, study habits, amount of socializing they do (or don’t do), etc. it might work out great and provide a little sense of familiarity to what can be a very overwhelming experience.</p>

4

<p>You mentioned what you think and what your H thinks, but what does your S think? After all, his opinion is the only one that matters.</p>

5

<p>If you want additional insights on this issue, use the search feature to find the old thread on Roommates from Hell (maybe not the exact name). It was fairly extensive! I’ve lived through that issue with D during freshman year - it’s not easy.</p>

6

<p>I think it’s best not to room with a friend. If the relationship blows up it is much more difficult.</p>

<p>Colleges usually advise against it for good reason.</p>

<p>However, if your S really wants to and the school has no objections as you point out it can have benefits.</p>

7

<p>I would leave it up to your son. My son is finishing up his freshman year and I figure it is time to make requests for next year. I asked my son and he is happy to go with whatever they give him but might request a certain hall. He feels no desire to room with a friend. He had 2 roommates this year. The first semester his roommate was nice, quiet and they didn’t hang out but got along. My son made lots of friends on the floor. (small dorm single sex floor). 2nd semester he had to move due to mold. He ended up in a larger dorm with a soph who goes to visit his gf out of town every weekend. My son is fine with it. He has his friends. Most of his good friends pledged frats and are planning on living in a frat house next year. My son though asked by several frats declined and is not interested in frat living.
I know my girls would be agonizing over every detail of the living arrangements. My son is easy going and figures he will make work whatever he gets.</p>

8

<p>I don’t think this is a case where he can go wrong. They’re not close friends, so the disadvantages of being too insular or losing the friendship are not really at play. As your and DH’s perspective make clear, there are pros and cons and unknowns to either situation. Although this is not a “battle”, I think the question falls into the “Pick Your Battles” decision tree, and, imo, this is not one of such import that you should weigh in any further than you have already (assuming you and DH have expressed your opinions to S).</p>

<p>My observation has also been like mom60’s - boys are much more likely to go with the flow of whatever happens roommate wise. Not nearly as consuming an issue as it often is for girls.</p>

9

<p>My D has very strong opinions on this. We heard of people from her h.s. who will be attending her college, and when I would say, “Are you thinking of asking her to room with you?”, she would always say that she thinks you should either room with a best or close friend or else someone new – something about the old connection that is not a strong one struck her as just wrong.</p>

10

<p>As a parent of a child who was in a horrible roommate situation freshman year, I have to say that there are reasons to prefer a known “good Guy” to unknown stranger. Colleges try to do their best to match compatible roommates, but their knowledge is very limited, and you can end up in a bad situation that is difficult to change.</p>

11

<p>One of the advantages to going to a college ‘far from home’ is to meet people from elsewhere so I suggest he try getting a roommate with a different background. Besides, there are no guarantees that this acquaintance will be a compatible roommate and your S might be more comfortable requesting a rommate change if the roommate had no other connection to him (in the event the roomie becomes an issue).</p>

12

<p>My two have had a variety of roommate experiences.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t encourage your son to room with a good friend. However, an acquaintance that he knows to be a “good guy” is different.
Frankly, based on our family experience, I agree with jmmom on this one…he can’t go wrong. It’s really pure luck to be paired with a stranger and have it work out…my son WAS lucky. However, the roommate-from-hell scenario happens all too often (D had one) and can highjack what for many is a tough 1st semester of adjustment.</p>

<p>Go with what you know. Your son will still make plenty of friends.</p>

13

<p>One advantage to NOT living with this good guy would be that he could hang out with both his roommate and the good guy and maybe even the good guy’s roommate. A group of 4 with 2 completely new people rather than a gorup of 2 from the same H.S.</p>

<p>however, I definitley see what curious is saying ^^^
“However, an acquaintance that he knows to be a “good guy” is different.
Frankly, based on our family experience, I agree with jmmom on this one…he can’t go wrong. It’s really pure luck to be paired with a stranger and have it work out…my son WAS lucky. However, the roommate-from-hell scenario happens all too often (D had one) and can highjack what for many is a tough 1st semester of adjustment.”</p>

14

<p>Op</p>

<p>I think your son is going to my son’s school? Congratulations–it’s a great place. My son wanted to know no one from his HS so went to college far from home. He lucked out with a compatible roommate. They both filled out their housing forms honestly. Night owls, but fairly quiet ones. They will be parting company next year, but I have been so grateful for a roomate who is not a drug dealer, a wild partier, etc. A real gift. Leave it up to your son, imo. He’ll be living with the situation.</p>

15

<p>To me, a known “good guy” with good habits and character qualities sounds like someone with whom your S can make arrangements, boundaries, and compatible agreements. </p>

<p>The most important thing about a freshman roommate, IMO, is not to have terrible problems, “roomate from hell” stuff. If you have a headstart towards that, it;s worth a lot. </p>

<p>The two of them can create a peaceful room, and then either hang together or not in friendship circles beyond that. They could even discuss this in advance, as it’s all about negitations anyway.</p>

<p>For guys, it’s nice to have a roommate to go out with just to begin the evening on a good footing. It doesn’t sound like either one is clingy or obsessive about the other, which does girls in (gender-cheesy, sorry, I know better).</p>

<p>At the very least, if he knows in advance what the true story is about th other one’s smoking and drinking habits, those are the things that really unhinge roomates who are otherwise honest. </p>

<p>A roommate needn’t be a best friend, but should be someone with whom boundaries and agreements can be arranged, negotiated and renegotiated as the year unfolds.</p>

<p>I am thinking about two girls I knew from our town who agreed to live together but put a one-year limit on it, no matter how well it worked out. That way they felt they’d be sure to branch out in Year 2, but it eased their anxiety about Year l. They had trepidations about leaving rural small town NY for big city Atlanta, and they dealt with it this way.</p>

16

<p>I’ve got two quick roommate stories/scenarios for you…</p>

<p>First, I’ll start with my friend “Dee.” She is applying to the same program I am and she started out the year in a double-suite. Two rooms of two each and a bathroom. Well, about half-way through the first semester her roommate and one of her suitemates decided to move out and move into another room together. “Dee” had a friend “Jane” who was also in a double-suite in another building in the complex. “Jane” was having roommate issues so “Dee” invited her to move in with “Dee” since they were friends from high school. Things went sour and for the last month they have not talked to each other at all. “Dee” said she has tried, but “Jane” wouldn’t even talk to her. “Dee” went on a retreat last weekend and she told her RA that she didn’t want “Jane” to be there when she returned. Sunday came and “Dee” moved out. “Dee” moved into a community-style building in the complex and is in a private by herself. I’m told (by someone else) that “Jane” left a pile of “Dee”'s stuff that “Dee” hadn’t gotten the first day. She (according to policy) has 48 hours to move once keys are given out.</p>

<p>On the flip side, I started out last fall with two roommates in a triple suite. I didn’t know either of them before coming to school. Joe moved out to the frat house right before fall break. Max and I got assigned a new roommate a couple weeks later. Things went south there pretty quickly. The new roommate was unclean, rude, and didn’t think of others. Max and I moved out shortly after the second semester started. We moved into a different triple suite and we are by ourselves. Max and I did not know each other before school, but we get along great! He and I have VERY different majors and we come from quite different backgrounds. He was a drama person and his major is “Technical Theatre” doing lighting and sound stuff. I was very much an athletics person, 3 sport athlete,etc and am majoring in athletic training. But we respect each other and we get along well. I wasn’t sure at first because I pretty well hated drama people in high school. I cannot remember a single argument that we have had all year! Priority Housing Sign-Ups started this week. We have decided to move into a double-suite and room together again next fall.</p>

<p>Very different scenarios and very different outcomes.</p>

<p>And FYI, I am at a university where many people come from the same area. I graduated with a class of 220 in high school. 15 came here and most of them roomed with each other. I did not.</p>

17

<p>S1 roomed with his best friend freshman yr. It worked out well. They will be seniors next year and are still living together off campus now(with the addition of two more roommates for soph. and jr. yrs.). Meeting new people was not a prob. </p>

<p>S2 will be a freshman next year and plans to room with a h.s friend. S1 advised him to room with a “known quantity” if he could because the odds of getting an incompatible roommate were pretty high based on what he saw on his freshman floor. </p>

<p>I worried that S1 and hs best friend would end up hating each other but S1 assured me that that was more of a “girl thing”. I let him do it his way and it has worked out well.</p>

<p>I would say to let your S make the decision so that no matter what, you can’t be blamed if the situation turns out to be not to his liking,lol.</p>

18

<p>I think the one year cap is a good idea. I also think kids don’t know who they’ll be when they leave home and things are wide open. They may try to be honest and really not know.</p>

19

<p>

</p>

<p>My daughter had one that turned out to be a drug dealer, and a wild partier. I am pretty sure she did not advertise it on her roommate request form…</p>

<p>hops_scout’s story (#16) involves a lot of moving - that’s not always possible…</p>

20

<p>I go to a boarding HS, but I have had both good and bad experiences with roommates. My first year, I had a roommate from hell, and hated every second I had to live with him. It just didn’t work out at all, and the administration wouldn’t let us switch. Colleges probably don’t have that problem. The next year I had a random new kid, who is now my best friend at high school and we happened to also be about to go to the same college, although we just plan on being n the same dorm rather than room, in order to meet new people. Honestly, I would take new person and be able to switch roomies later rather than miss out on a new good friend.</p>