<p>D1 has shared her frustration with me about how she has had to pick up after messy suitemates/roomie. She's mentioned this to the RA, and has tactfully handled it by buying roomie (who is a very sweet girl nonetheless) a trash can to put beside her desk.</p>
<p>D1 is not a neat freak by far. But when the trash can in their shared bathroom (four students to one bathroom) reaches what she calls "toxic levels" she is usually the one to take care of it. </p>
<p>Now she thinks they've all just assumed my darling daughter will always "take care of it." She feels hurt because she doesn't want to be the housekeeper-by-default; feels that the others should be considerate without having to be asked. That she's international also seems to figure quite a lot in her discomfort with the situation. </p>
<p>I'm not one for fighting my kids' battles, but what advice do you give your kids as they're learning to live harmoniously with other people?</p>
<p>I think by “tactfully” you mean she subtely implied that they should clean up after themselves. Tell her to be straightforward. She should just tell them to *<strong><em>ing pick up their *</em></strong>.</p>
<p>Is it possible for your daughter to move to a different room? Or maybe she’ll just have to grit her teeth until the room lottery for next year and “pick” her roommates from among her “neat” friends. Or alternatively, live in an apartment with said “neat” friends.</p>
<p>If she plans to stick it out for the year, I think she should throw a hissy fit. (It sounds like she’s been too nice.) Once she’s gotten her roomies’ attention, she should sit down with all four of them and work out a schedule for cleaning the bathroom–there should be penalties for not complying, ideally extra bathroom duty. Alternatively, she can go “on strike” and let the bathrooms get “toxic.” Maybe friends down the hall will let her use their bathroom at an “off” time. Or, she can take her daily shower at the gym.</p>
<p>OtherEtc: Yes! DD has tried the “be nice” route; it’s time she changed her tactics. I didn’t agree with her decision to buy the roomie a trash can and now I think her suitemates have just gotten spoiled.</p>
<p>She’s already agreed to keep her roomie for next year (like I said, they get along beautifully otherwise) and she is just too busy to even think about moving to a different room. Love the idea of a strike and will suggest it to her For next year, DD should probably set down some house rules and agree on certain things from Day 1.</p>
<p>Having had a plethora of roommates from undergrad through grad and to my soon-to-be wife, I can say this:</p>
<p>You can try nice, forceful, and even flat out loud, but at a certain point there is always going to be a person in the room with the lowest tolerance for messiness, and that person will nearly always end up doing the cleaning.</p>
<p>mirallwood, What UCLAri stated ^^^ is true. The person who gets more frustrated and intolerant of the mess will end up picking up. Ask me about it, 20+ years of marriage and I am still picking up after a hubby who can tolerate messes and sitting garbage more than I can. Many arguments, pleas, and leaving garbage bags in prominent places have resulted in some slight movement on part of hubby. He will take out garbage once in a while. Now that sonny is older, however, he bumps the job to DS, even though DS has a busier schedule!</p>
<p>The roommate situation starts the long journey of learning to live with others outside of immediate family members, leading to marriage or live in relationships. :(</p>
<p>This issue looks superficially minor, but encompasses one of the trickiest things in life, how to live with another (or others) who may not have compatible habits (but who may be loved or desirable for other reasons).</p>
<p>I can only offer my well wishes to DD. Either she learns greater tolerance for messes or she has some means to really have leverage over her roommates (some very effective “punishment” for negative behavior or “reward” for good behavior).</p>
<p>Is it “set in stone” that your daughter is rooming with her nice but messy friend next year? Why would she choose to have the same problems next year if it bothers her so much?</p>
<p>Just because someone is “nice” doesn’t make them a good roommate.</p>
<p>Why did she agree to room with someone she knows will be a problem? (Your daughter really HAS been too nice.)</p>
<p>I think going on strike is a HORRIBLE idea.</p>
<p>Going on strike will probably not bug them. They will clean it once every 3 months or whenever they feel like it :P. The person it will annoy most is your D!</p>
<p>I think in these situations you just need to be straightforward.</p>
<p>“Hey, I’ve been cleaning up after you guys a lot, and we really need to make a cleaning schedule so everyone shares in the cleaning burden equally.” </p>
<p>“Hey, it makes it difficult for me to concentrate on my studies when the room is a mess. Can you guys please make sure to clean up your stuff once a week/once every couple weeks/etc.”</p>
<p>“Hey, I really want to live with you guys next year, but I also really can’t live in this mess. Can you PLEASE clean up on a regular basis.”</p>
<p>Etc.</p>
<p>You’d be surprised how a person changes (esp. a person in a small space - a group house or something larger is a different story!) if it is out in the open that their sloppy habits are recognized and a cause of annoyance. They will probably be too embarassed to not clean up after that.</p>
<p>It also could help to set up a regular time and day for all of the roomies to clean. Doing it as a group may encourage all to help keep the place clean.</p>
<p>Learning to be assertive can take a life time for those who are naturally nice and giving. I’d suggest that your dtr write out a list of chores, put them on a wheel, and present this to rommmates. She could say something like, “I’ve been doing most of the cleaning and I’m tired of it. Its time we share.” </p>
<p>I had a roommate who wrote chores (bathroom, kitchen, LR) on a wheel,with names on inside of wheel, and each week it rotated. Any one who didn’t step up and do their weekly chore would be reminded by the others.</p>
<p>Mirral, I know it is unfair to your daughter, but the dynamics of this group’s behavior has now been set and it would be very hard to change anything. Even if they all sit down and talk about it (something that may be the last thing the others want to do), an attempt may be made by the others at first, but it is most likely they will revert back to their old habits shortly. My own D has had four different roommates in 1 and 1/2 years for varying reasons. She’s had two sloppy ones and it was a riot when you walked into the room, my D’s side was neat and clean and the roommie’s side was a “pig sty” (or I should say is - because she is living with one of the messy ones right now!) The waste basket was a helpful necessity in your daughter’s situation and at least gives the other girl a place to throw true garbage. I’d also say, after some of the things my daughter has gone through with roommates (TVs on loud until 3AM when she is trying to sleep, etc.), a roommate that you get along with and can consider a friend is a valuable treasure worth working through this situation with. Over time, with some gentle guidance from your daughter, her roommate may begin to change. Meanwhile, she could get her (and the others) to emply the bathroom wastebasket by telling her (them) the next time it gets to the overfill point, in a joking way, “OK, roomie, see that basket? It’s your turn!” I hope this helps. Your daughter sounds like a really special person.</p>
<p>I think it is highly unlikely that the roommates will improve much. If a schedule is agreed to, your daughter will end up having to nag the others to adhere to it.
How about this: is there something else the other roommates could agree to do if your D agrees to do the cleaning? As in, “OK, I’ll just do the cleaning, if you will pick up my share of the pizza bill once a week.”</p>
<p>This happened to my older s, both with his regular roommies and summer intern roomies. He was surprised how disgusting people can be. He threw away all his dishes, silverware, pots and pans at the end of the year he lived in a duplex. They were disgusting. No one cleaned- just left dirty dishes in the sink.</p>
<p>However, I do believe that a time or two, the disgusting trashcan got placed on/near/beside a roomies desk, desk chair, bed…</p>
<p>You say she’s discussed this with the RA, has she discussed it with the roommate? Have they tried to agree on a cleaning schedule or at least a take out the trash schedule (may not work perfectly, but it should at least be tried)? Has she been direct about it? </p>
<p>I saw many room situations ruined during my first year by people’s passive agression. Being really resentful but never discussing it directly with the person causing the resentment, when a direct conversation could just settle the matter.</p>
<p>BTW, the trashcan “walk” to the desk or wherever was well after <em>numerous</em> conversations with roommates about the ned to share the cleaning and trash responsibilites. They just didnt care…</p>
<p>D1 is living with 2 roommates in an apartment now. One is a neat freak, and the other is more of a free spirit. D1 is in the middle. The neat freak used to put away every dish in the sink and the free spirit was happy to let the neat freak do it all. D1 told the neat freak to stop picking up. She then called a meeting to discuss house chores. D1 got the duty of cleaning the bathroom, the neak freak is responsible for the kitchen (cleaning once a week, not doing dishes for everyone), and the free spirit is responsible for mopping the floor. They are all responsible for their own rooms. </p>
<p>D1 runs a lot of events at her sorority house, she is used to sending out emails to the girls to remind them to do their share. Once the free spirit figured out it’s important to her roommates that she kept the apartment clean, she became a lot neater, so no more dirty dishes in the sink.</p>
<p>I think it was a nice move on OP D’s part to buy the garbage can, but she needed words to go with it. Now it’s time for her to take the next step. Organize a meeting and get those girls to clean up the suite.</p>
<p>This is why I really hope my neat freak son gets a not-too-messy roommate this fall. However, it will be his issue to deal with, either way. I just know that disorder bothers him, and real mess drives him nutz.</p>
<p>S had to fill out a questionnaire before the school assigned roommates. One of the questions was whether you were neat, somewhat messy, or messy. S wanted to say “somewhat messy” but I told him to be honest and change his answer to “messy.”</p>
<p>He and his roommate are perfectly matched. And I really don’t want to know what’s living under the massive piles of clothes on the floor… :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Anyone should try to get into a single room if possible, I have had nothing but hell for the past 2 years with my roommates (one of whom even committed fraud by charging things to my bank account without telling me). Even when you get older and you think you know the people you are agreeing to live with, people change when you live with them. I have come to value having my own living space as the most precious thing you can have in college.</p>
<p>Wow, Mirall, you have us all wracking our brains! Ha! Regarding the wastebaskets in the roommate’s area and the bathroom, if the roommates use plastic bags to line the baskets, it’s much easier to tie up the garbage and pitch it down the hall. When she started college, I had my daughter put a plastic bag in her closet to hold the plastic bags she picks up at the school store, grocery, pharmacy, etc. She uses these bags to line her wastebasket. If she has something stinky to throw away like the remains of a tuna sandwich, all she has to do is tie up the bag, pitch it, and replace it with a new one. It’s a simple thing, but makes it a lot easier to empty those wastebaskets.</p>
<p>Socnerd, my daughter will have a single room next year and can’t wait! Her first roommate Freshman year was a nightmare, causing drama and sabotaging my daughter in ridiculous ways. Her next roommate that fall was a sweet girl, who was messy. They had a lot of laughs together, but never really clicked as friends. She’s the one with the TV on at 3AM - something she explained to my daughter that she needed to get to sleep. Second semester, Freshman year, my daughter moved in with a friend. They had an immaculate room and got along fine, but for Sophomore year, the friend wanted to room with a best friend from HS. This year, my D has a nice roommate, but another messy one who watches lots of quiet TV. Again, they get along OK, but aren’t really friends. It’s an awkward way to spend a year. She will be very happy next year to have her own room in a suite of four single rooms. There will be a living room area and she will only share a bathroom with one other girl.</p>
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