I’m a sophomore currently rooming with a girl I made friends with last year. I kind of only accidentally made friends with her in the first place (first semester, when everyone was just hanging out with the first people they met) and I didn’t really have anyone else to room with for this year so I agreed to room with her. I thought that I liked her enough to enjoy living with her, but turns out the parts of personality that used to only mildly annoy me have now become incredibly grating. She’s someone who can tend to be kind of overbearing, abrasive, negative, aggressive/rude at times - in general just a lot to handle (it’s not just me - I know her traits can sometimes get on our friends’ nerves as well). I’m super introverted as well and she is pretty extroverted. At this point I basically dread coming back to our room because I know I’ll have to interact with her.
The problem is, although I’ve tried hanging out with other friends and generally distancing myself, she seems to think we’re still best of friends and I don’t know how to communicate otherwise without being rude. She’s always trying to talk when we’re in the room and I understand that to her, a roommate is someone who is supposed to provide company but…I honestly have no interest in hanging out with her or sharing things about my life or hearing about hers. I feel awful because she’s not a bad person but I just truly cannot stand her. There are times when I enjoy her company like last year but for the most part her abrasiveness just gets on my nerves.
It’s even worse because I’ve already signed a lease to live with her next year (an apartment, so hopefully having separate rooms will help)!! And we have pretty much all the same friends and are in clubs together so it’s not like I can just cut and run and ghost the friendship. I have no idea what the solution is here that will allow me to keep my sanity without also hurting her feelings. Has anyone been in a similar situation or know what the best course of action is here?
@redandblack Unfortunately, you have a lot of studying to do in your room next year as a junior.
@redandblack I understand how you’re feeling right now, but I feel like you jumped into this friendship too quickly. For future reference, I would really get to know someone before you make a big decision like that.
Everyone is meeting new people during that time, so it gives you an opportunity to make new friends and possibly future roommates. I followed this rule of thumb and it’s going to work out for me next year.
The main lesson to take away from your story is to not jump into things unless if you’re not 100% sure about your final decision.
On an extra note, you can always back out of the lease if you feel uncomfortable, but I think that you should talk to her one on one because you never know, your relationship might improve between the two of you over a simple talk.
I mean, it’s college…you often don’t really have a long time to get to know someone before you move in with them in college. With freshmen, you’re often rooming with a stranger, and by sophomore year you may have to make a decision after knowing someone for 3-4 months. That’s just part of college; I don’t think the blame rests on you for that, OP. You made the best decision that you could with the information you had at the time.
You also can’t always back out of a lease that you’ve signed - it depends on the lease terms and such, but usually once you have signed one you have to pay a lot of money to get out of it (often, 2-3 months’ worth of rent).
Fortunately, I think there are things you can do, OP. You can’t ghost, but you can reduce the amount of time that you spend with your roommate and make new friends. Join some new clubs or student groups; pursue some hobbies that she doesn’t share and find ways to meet people that aren’t mutual friends.
If you don’t want to interact with her in the room, just say so gently - ‘Alice, love ya but I’m just trying to chill and watch TV, you know?’ or whatever makes sense for your communication style.
As an more extroverted person, I can see how her behavior may make you want to pull back even more. I know I find it painful to interact with introverted people since they aren’t sparking like me and she may be overdoing it trying to share her energy with you when that is not your style.
I agree that you need to make space for your style and let her know when you don’t want to interact. Tell her you need 2-3 hours of “cave time” to decompress for your peace of mind. I think you can have the best of both worlds if you let her know what you need.
Talk to her & tell her that you have decided to get out of the lease agreement. Do it now so that you both have adequate time to make other arrangements.
Based on your post, I think that you are the one who is a bit more at fault since you are introverted & do not share your feelings & concerns until too late.