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<p>It’s dumb, but I believe it. Some kids are naive enough to do this. Some of them even tell the whole world – via Facebook or Twitter.</p>
<p>Call me naive, but I don’t understand the point of view that the OP’s daughter just needs to deal with having a roommate who is–most places, anyway–violating the law, if her claim is true. I don’t think this is a “trivial” roommate issue of the type that 18-year-olds should be expected to just deal with. My spouse did encounter it (long, long ago), and acted in accord with the advice that Marian is giving. However, he has way more command presence than most people. I think QMP could handle an issue like this, but I don’t think that there is anything wrong or immature about an 18-year-old who actually couldn’t handle it–by that, I mean get the roommate to commit to keeping drugs out of the room. I did not get the impression from the OP’s post that the OP’s daughter would have any difficulty handling herself. On the one hand, one doesn’t want to cause excessive trouble for the roommate. On the other hand, this is against the law–really–and I don’t think the OP’s daughter should just have to move in and then work things out with the cooperation (?) of the roommate. This seems like “worst person is in charge of the roommate relationship.”</p>
<p>Here’s the thing- most people my age aren’t using email. They use facebook. That’s why the story rings so odd to me. Email is just incredibly outdated.</p>
<p>Oh and frankly I don’t care if you’re a ■■■■■ or not. I stick by what I said originally. Butt out unless she comes to you. </p>
<p>I don’t really drink, do drugs, smoke etc but I don’t care if people do it. I could not care less if my roommate sent me an email like that despite the fact that I don’t smoke.</p>
<p>The message from the roommate does sound more like a Facebook status post than anything else. It is weird to put it in email, I agree.</p>
<p>If the roommate were running a counterfeiting operation in the college dorm room, would you react differently?</p>
<p>Quant- you’re missing my point completely (see post 4). The D is welcome to report her roommate if she does something. The MOM should not be involved. Period. </p>
<p>So no, I wouldn’t.</p>
<p>Call me conflict-avoidant as well as naive, but I think there should be some means of dealing with this without the potential of creating a criminal record for the roommate, but also without the potential of harm to the OP’s daughter. I don’t know what that is, personally.</p>
<p>paddy,Don’t buy trouble for yourself or your D until you actually have a problem. Wait and see what the roommate is really like and go from there. If you go over it too much with your D, she might get overly anxious about starting college. </p>
<p>It’s possible that the roommate doesn’t smoke weed at all but maybe just wrote that thinking it would make her sound worldly and cool to her future college roommate.</p>
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But Romani - in this context I think you probably would care - the context of a roomie (potentially) stashing drugs in the room (where else would she put them unless she only uses other people’s drugs?) which would expose you to possible violations even though it wasn’t yours, and maybe even smoking in the room which would be annoying to most people in the least and is unhealthy to all people and if you had asthma, could make you seriously ill.</p>
<p>Now, if you meant you don’t care what the roomie does on her own outside of the room that doesn’t directly affect you, I agree. </p>
<p>OP - The other thing to consider is that the roomie doesn’t have to end up being the best friend and 100% compatible - they just need to have a workable living arrangement and be respectful of each other. If the roomie only smoked her drugs outside of the room, didn’t stash any in the room, didn’t reek of smoke when she returned, and was respectful of your D, then there likely won’t be an issue. It’s also possible that the email or posting on FB or whatever wasn’t 100% accurate and might have been a bit of drama (or bragging in the eyes of some of these people who think it’s cool to smoke weed).</p>
<p>Agree with PackMom .Or, (if this is a real post), the room mate may smoke weed on occasion, but has no intention of doing so in college.<br>
So far, the only problem this daughter has is a parent who snoops in her private emails.</p>
<p>GGD- You’ve also missed my point. The EMAIL would not bother me. The fact that my roommate did it would not bother me. If they were doing it in my room or if they were being stored in my room, THAT would be different. I would report it to my RA. But my MOM should not be involved either way. An EMAIL should not cause worry. </p>
<p>My roommate freshmen year did drink, smoke, etc. She didn’t keep her drugs in the room. She kept it with the people she smoked with.</p>
<p>I think the kids (who don’t smoke etc.) simply say, heh dude (or whatever) I don’t mind what you do but this is a no smoking dorm and I don’t want you smoking in OUR room and by the way, keep your stuff somewhere else because I don’t want to get popped because you are doing something illegal. I’m not going to narc if you are chill about things but someone else might…or something like that. By the time kids are 18 they ought to be able to put their opinion out there…I agree with the poster who suggests if they can’t stand up for themselves they might not be ready to be in a residential setting. This is far better advice than a family friend who told my oldest son at this high school graduation party (and i’m paraphrasing slightly to keep it clean) “If your roommate is a jerk punch him in the gut and let him know who is boss.”</p>
<p>And yes, it is wrong for you to read other people’s e-mails.</p>
<p>romani - With your last post - I think we’re in agreement.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys - Hipster mom! (your suggested response - good suggestion)</p>
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While that’s true as an ideal I think there’s probably a fair percentage of new dorm residents, most of whom are 17 or 18 y/o and the first time living away from home without the parents to handle these matters, who are reluctant to stand up and make waves. They learn, largely by handling issues like this, but it can take some time and experience for many. The best solution is for them to stand up for themselves of course, but many of them will be more challenged by this than they will be a few years from now or especially, after having kids to care for (and stand up for). Some will allow themselves to be steamrolled by others before they finally get tired enough of that and start to stand up. </p>
<p>I think part of being ‘ready to be in a residential setting’ is a growing experience for many and they may start out not so willing to stand up for themselves but with more experience (and more confrontations/challenges) grow into it.</p>
<p>Regardless, I think it’s best for the parent to provide up front guidance on general issues, like what to do if the roomie ends up doing something illegal, annoying, dangerous, etc., and then for the student to handle the specific situations.</p>
<p>Back to the OP - I don’t think the OP indicated the D couldn’t handle it on her own - it’s just that the parent is concerned. I would be as well even though I have confidence in my kids’ abilities to handle situations like this.</p>
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<p>There is a way.</p>
<p>If the roommate uses or stores drugs in the room, despite the OP’s daughter’s objections, the OP’s daughter can say “Look, this really bothers me. I don’t want to cause you any trouble, but I’m not going to live with this. How about we both go to the RA and say that we can’t get along and want to change roommates?”</p>
<p>If the roommate says no to that, then it makes sense to report what she’s doing.</p>
<p>:-) I’m on my third teenager. No girls… so i don’t know how girls set boundaries, but I’ve heard plenty of boys set boundaries. I take that back an old girlfriend of S2 was upset with S2’s younger brother S3 (this I knew about) and she tacked a note to our front door. (I did not open nor read) but apparently it resolved the conflict. S2 never dated her again so maybe girls put it in writing? I don’t know… it’s difficult for me to believe that there are 18 year olds that have never had to set boundaries for themselves or work their way through conflict if only with their siblings.</p>
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<p>This is the right advice for the OP, although she said that she has talked about drugs to her kid in the past–“MANY” times. </p>
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<p>So it sounds like the OP, if this is a parent, has been through this already. There really isn’t more that he/she can do, except perhaps repeat.</p>
<p>For students reared in conservative Nerdville, it’s easy enough to set boundaries for oneself. Setting boundaries for someone you have just met is much trickier for those who aren’t assertive by nature. I don’t really see Marian’s strategy in #34 working out, at most places. The students go to the RA and ask to change roommates because they “can’t get along.” What RA would not ask, “What is the problem?” Then the OP’s daughter can say "Well, um . . . " or “My roommate won’t keep her drugs out of our room.” If the former, the RA will counsel them to try harder to work things out (as if it’s a question of who gets what towel rack, or how many lights can be on at 4 am). If the latter, now the OP’s daughter has created a problem for the RA, who can’t just turn a blind eye to the issue, as she otherwise might possibly do.</p>
<p>I agree that it’s awkward that the parent read the email, and that reading someone else’s email should be avoided in general. But once that has already happened . . . Also GladGradDad and I agree that there are 18-year-olds who are ready for college, but not ready to try to persuade/force a roommate to do something reasonable. Also, I do agree that it might be a misrepresentation by the roommate. On the other hand, I can think of no one I have known who used drugs in high school who did not continue to use them in college.</p>
<p>You’ve got a good point, QuantMech.</p>
<p>I was thinking about a room switch that I made when I was in college and one my son made when he was in college. But in both cases, there were two sets of roommates involved, and everyone had agreed to switch. The groups went to the RAs and said, “Instead of A rooming with B and C rooming with D, we want to swap so that A and C are together and B and D are together.” In both instances, the room switches were approved without any objections or questions from the RA. Fees were paid. Paperwork was filled out. Two of the four people moved. End of problem.</p>
<p>But if it’s just two people who don’t want to live together anymore and haven’t worked out their own solution in cooperation with another incompatible pair, yes, the RA might ask questions.</p>
<p>Long story short your daughter might not become best friends with her roommate but that does not mean that her first year will be ruined. </p>
<p>My daughter had experiences…mostly negative with three roommates but still loves her college, made great friends and had a great first year all things considered. There were many tearful phone calls home for one reason or another but she was able to handle things on her own with very little intervention on my part. The other friends were also a good support system. </p>
<p>I would have a conversation with your daughter about drugs, roommates and give her some tips, on how to handle various situations. How she has the option of making reports without giving her name. How most people tend to respect others if they say they are not interested in participating. I would not tell her you saw the email but I would ask her what if questions about what she would do in various situations, things like that. </p>
<p>Many colleges take drugs on campus very seriously so it is not likely the drug use will occur in the dorms, but unfortunately that is sometimes possible and plans of actions should be discussed ahead of time, because on most campuses if you are in a room when others are doing drugs or drinking you can be in trouble even if you are not doing
anything. </p>
<p>Good Luck and try not to worry!!!</p>
<p>I think that Marian in post #38 offered a great, practical solution: namely to find another mis-matched pair and exchange roommates. And yet the discussion in this thread makes me quite uncomfortable. Some of the comments seem to me to reflect very strong pressure on young people to be non-judgmental and accommodating of their roommates. I am behind that 100% when the roommates are engaged in any legal conduct.</p>
<p>But in a situation where the roommates are assigned by the college, does a student not have a right to the presumption that the roommate will not be conducting illegal activities in the shared room? In my (admittedly limited) experience, people who smoke [whatever] generally do smoke in their dorm rooms.</p>
<p>There have also been a number of posts suggesting that students need to learn how to set boundaries before heading to college. Most high school students do have some experience along those lines. However, I am not sure that most high school students have the experience of trying to persuade a relative stranger not to continue an illegal activity . . . at least most do not have that experience out here in conservative Nerdville. (I may need to change my “location” listed in the side-bar to better reflect reality.)</p>
<p>So, I’m thinking about the introductions during Parents’ Weekend: “Mom, Dad, this is my roommate. She’s . . . unindicted.”</p>
<p>Edit: Probably I should make that location: “Politically liberal, but evidently socially conservative Nerdville.” [Population: 2]</p>