<p>My roommate is mad at me, and I don't know why. This is what happened: We were in our room one evening and I was on the phone with my mom. I knew she wanted to take a nap, but usually her naps are only half naps where she's actually still awake and texting while she's "sleeping". It was 5:30-6pm. So obviously I didn't notice right away that she was sleeping, but as soon as I did I got up and went to the lounge to finish the phone call. When I got back she was still asleep, but I wanted to go back to what I was doing so I went to turn the lamp in the room on, which is on her side of the room, however I didn't think it would be an issue because she never has an issue keeping the light on when i want to go to sleep at night. I tried to turn the knob but it wouldn't turn on, and then she woke up and looked at me like "what are you doing" so I asked if the lamp had gotten unplugged or something and she replied snarkily with "I don't know, because it's not like I wanted to take a nap or anything". I was a little shocked, but brushed it off as her being tired and cranky. then she was up and called her friend to see of she wanted to go to the gym with her and her voice was totally normal and cheerful. however as she got up to go to the bathroom or something she slammed the door so hard i swear the room shook a little. it really scared me. then she came back in, ignored me, got dressed and left for the gym turning the light off while I was still sitting in the room, slamming the door again! I was left sitting there like woah, what was that for?! I decided to stay in bed the next morning until after she went to class to give her a little more time to get over whatever she was mad about. the incident was thursday night, and i ended up not seeing her at all until sunday afternoon because she went home from the weekend. when she got back i tried to say hi to her but she ignored me. i don't know if wanting the light on at 6pm was what made her so mad but i don't know what else i could have done because she was totally fine before that point in the day. did i make her this mad? I'm not a confrontational person so i don't want to talk to her if she's not ready to talk to me about it, but i feel really uncomfortable even being in the same room as her and i don't know what to do. they say not to go to the RA until you talk to the roommate, but I can't talk to her so i feel totally stuck between a rock and a hard place. does anyone have any advice?</p>
<p>Clearly this is a petty problem. She’ll forget about it very soon.</p>
<p>its just weird for me because we were really good friends and talked all the time, and she always told me
when something i did bothered her and now she’s just stopped speaking to me. </p>
<p>I understand that this is a huge S.A. hurdle, That makes it a great opportunity to build life skills! Carefully consider what you’re going to say, but keep it very light and casual, in keeping with your perception that whatever the issue is, it is very minor. Then say it, and allow your roomie a chance to respond. </p>
<p>There is nothing to be nervous about.
outcome A: she handles it with grace, realizes she was being silly, and the whole thing blows over in an hour.
outcome B: she explains what it was that set her off so much, you talk about your pet peeves, lay down some ground rules, and establish a framework so this kind of thing happens less often.
outcome C: she handles it poorly. While it wouldn’t be much fun (and in my view is unlikely), it’s really not a big deal. If you want, you can escalate a little and say something like “[name], I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, and I really want this to stay a liveable and happy situation for our first year. If there is some kind of serious issue between us, I do not understand what it is and I need you to air it out please, now.” If you don’t want to escalate at that moment, you will have officially tried to talk to your roomie yourself and you can go to your RA for mediation. </p>
<p>See? C is literally the worst possible outcome, and it is totally under control. </p>
<p>If something you did is bothering her, then it is actually her responsibility to let you know what that is. The acting sullen and letting you guess is a form of silent treatment which is painful for the person left out to endure (you). Your discomfort in this situation is a result of this. While you can’t change your room mate, you can control how you react to this situation, and recognize it. Rather than accuse her of this tactic, we can just assume that this is what she has either learned to do or does not have another way of expressing herself better.
College is a time to learn valuable communication skills, and also boundaries. This isn’t comfortable for you, but it is a common situation in many relationships, so learning to handle this is a good skill. You can only control yourself, and not another person’s feelings. She has the choice to keep this up or let it go.
Since you are not sure what you did, or may have possibly done something to irritate her, your part of this is to apologize, something like " I did not mean to interrupt your nap, I am sorry if I did. I really value our friendship, and hope to do better next time. Please let me know if something else is bothering you".
The rest, is really up to her. At this point, let it go and go on with your activities, and if it doesn’t get better after a while, you can proceed to talking to the RA.
While this kind of thing isn’t an easy thing to deal with in intimate relationships, like a marriage, some people are just prone to sulking instead of being direct. Maybe she just has a tendency to distance herself to get over this. I don’t think that is a deal breaker for being room mates, but you may have to decide not to try to be as close if it continues to bother you, or just accept that you two have different communication styles.</p>