Roommate Issues About Having Guests

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I am moving into college for my freshman year in about a month. I am in a long distance relationship and the only time my boyfriend's schedule works with mine is during the first week. His mom surprised him with plane tickets; they are nonrefundable and nontransferable. He would be staying for 4 days, starting the night we move in. Classes don't start until 5 days after move in. I am in a suite style dorm with 4 single rooms. My school's policy says guests can stay for up to 5 days with everyone in the unit's consent. 2 of my roommates said they're fine with it, the other one said she thinks we should get to know each other before having guests. I've tried explaining that he is 3,000 miles away and this is the only time I can see him the entire semester. I told her that he would stay in my room and take showers at off times so he is completely out of the way. Am I asking too much? I don't know where he can sleep, as we don't have money for more than a night or two in a hotel. Could he sleep in the floor lounge? What if I stayed with him and we just fall asleep watching movies? It means the world to me that I can see him. How should I go about this? Should I just let it be and hope she changes her mind?</p>

<p>I would appreciate any sort of advice, thanks.</p>

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<p>Have you told her your financial struggles?</p>

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<p>I haven’t actually, and she comes from a rich family. Maybe that could help. At this point, he says he’ll do anything to see me and would just sleep in the lounge or library. I’m just worried about where he would go if they told him to leave because he can’t sleep there. I couldn’t find any sort of policy on sleeping in lounges.</p>

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<p>I think you might end up stepping on some toes. Don’t push her into changing her mind. </p>

<p>If you want to bring up some more points to her, talk to her about them, but stress that it is still her decision. It’d be terrible if she was uncomfortable with the idea and was guilted into saying yes because of first impression from the new school year. </p>

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<p>I think you should have him hang out with your roommates the day you guys move in, then speak to her in private that evening and explain he can’t afford a hotel and see what she says. She’s probably just hesitant incase he is some creep, but after getting to know him agree to let him stay. I don’t think any decent person would make someone sleep in a library.</p>

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<p>Essentially, the situation is “My boyfriend is coming into town and my roommate needs to be ok with it because his mom booked tickets without thinking of where he would stay or the pressure that would be placed on to those who I will be living with.”? </p>

<p>Don’t lie and don’t be sneaky. Telling your roommate the evening of that your boyfriend has nowhere to stay suggests that it was an unplanned event. You’ve had at least a month knowing that staying with you is his only option. Please don’t squeeze your roommate into a hard place. </p>

<p>Honesty is the way to go. Tell her what you told us here. Tell her how your boyfriend has in refundable tickets. Tell her that is was a surprise his mom made. Tell her how this will be the only chance you guys will see each other. Tell her it is completely her decision whether she is comfortable with it or not. </p>

<p>In the end, you must know that it is her decision. Blind siding her at the end of the night is not the way to do it. </p>

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<p>I don’t get what the problem is with the roommate, what “pressure” would be placed on her if he sleeps in your room and doesn’t inconvenience her. Honesty is good up until the last minute, then you just tell her that you had no other choice. I don’t care who the guy is, one night after sleeping on the ground or a bench will make him more than a little perturbed (and I doubt they would let him stay in the lounge). You can do one of these:</p>

<ol>
<li>sneak him in. pretty juvenile, but you can get him right into your room at night and then lock the door so she doesn’t happen to walk in on him.</li>
<li>you can just bring him in late at night and the worst I could see happening is that he gets thrown out after a night of staying and you can just fake it and say you thought you had obtained everyone’s consent. Then you can do two nights in the hotel and then the net best bet is to choose the busiest hospital and go into the emergency room feigning a stomach ache. It would be unlikely they would even get to your boyfriend before morning.</li>
<li>you can just hold it against her and say that you won’t consent to any of her overnight guests. No to parents, boyfriends, etc.</li>
</ol>

<p>None of these would make you best friends with her, but really it isn’t her choice to make. It’s your life and you have the right to live it however you want to live it. Nobody should be able to say you can’t do something because it makes them uncomfortable. If they’re uncomfortable then she should find other living arrangements. Also, is the reason she didn’t consent because she wants to spend that time getting to know you? If that’s the case then say that this would be even better because they get to know him at the same time.</p>

<p>Try to reason with her up until move-in day but when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t let someone who should have no authority over me tell me what I’m going to do.</p>

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<p>

People’s tolerance levels varies. You never know why someone feels uncomfortable with strangers in the place; especially, the opposite sex. </p>

<p>

If this isn’t self-centered, then I don’t know what is. By your reasoning, OP should be the one finding a different living arrangement. There are rules in place and OP doesn’t want to follow them she can find somewhere else. Authority and power shift when you have multiple living in one place. You can’t just stomp your foot because you can’t get what you want and do it anyway. Well, you can, but that’s another story. It’s immature to expect everyone to bend to your whim because of poor planning and brashness on your side. </p>

<p>OP, IF you are going to be bringing him anyway, at least be honest with yourself and your roommate. She doesn’t get a choice. You have taken her choice away, ignored her feelings, and are doing what you want to do. If you are going to bring him anyway, tell her and give her a heads up. </p>

<p>Honesty is the best policy.</p>

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<p>To the OP, depending on the airline, some non-refundable tickets can be re-booked for a later date. It’s worth him asking the airline about in case you can’t solve the housing issue.</p>

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<p>@‌Niquii77
Suppose you are rooming with a vegetarian and animal rights activist. Would you change your diet or spend extra money if she adamantly told you she would not allow meat or other products like dairy into the dorm because it made he uncomfortable. This rule shouldn’t be in place because the only time you should ever need consent to do something is if your actions affect the other person. We live in an age of free choice where people can determine their lives for themselves as long as it doesn’t affect others and their shouldn’t be rules that prohibit activities that are not harmful. It’s a reasonable request and the roommate doesn’t even have to see him for the entire week if she so chooses.</p>

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<p>^ Many non-refundable tickets can be re-booked. There is often a charge for this- which isn’t inexpensive- but may be less expensive than buying another ticket.</p>

<p>There’s another party involved in this conflict- the boyfriend’s mother “surprising” him with tickets without first considering where he will stay. Of course she assumes he will stay with the OP, but this is quite an assumption since the OP is starting school and has room mates she hasn’t met yet and has not gotten their agreement. Someone- either the mother, the boyfriend, or the OP, made this assumption without considering the other people involved.One possibility is that the boyfriend told her it was OK before actually checking into it further.</p>

<p>I understand that this timing is a window of opportunity for the couple, but in actuality it is bad timing for the OP, and as a parent, I would have concerns about this. The first few days of starting college are critical times for meeting new people, bonding with room mates, and getting adjusted to this new life. Moving in before classes start makes time for this. It allows the students to explore the campus, attend orientation meetings, find their classes, buy books, and socialize. </p>

<p>Having a boyfriend there is going to interrupt this process as naturally, the attention will be on him. The suite-mates will be in groups of four. This means, if three are not other wise distracted, they are going to have more time to bond, talk at night, eat meals together, while the fourth (the OP) is doing things as a couple. This could set the stage for the OP being left out the rest of the year, or at least a while. Suite mate conflicts are bound to arise, and starting out this way sets a possible stage for the OP being isolated. In fact, by bringing the boyfriend, she is starting the first conflict. </p>

<p>It is possible that the OP is easy to get along with, and that the boyfriend is a great guy who all the room mates might like, but forcing this situation isn’t going to accomplish this. If I was the parent of either the boyfriend or the OP, I would have preferred that the timing of this was discussed, and a place to stay was confirmed, before anyone bought plane tickets. </p>

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<p>^ is great advice. </p>

<p>Try to put yourself in the other girl’s shoes. She could be stressrd out about the whole freshman experience. Move-in day and the first few weeks can be extremely stressful for some. For many, it is the first time away from home and the first time sharing a room/bathroom/common area. Now throw in living with three total strangers, To this you want to add a boyfriend. Granted its only for a few days but do you want to start off on the wrong foot?</p>

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<p>@jimmyboy23 When you’re living with other people, you have to take their feelings into account. Free choice is all well and good up to a certain point, but we don’t live in bubbles. OP signed up for living with three other people. If OP has no respect for her roommates (hypothetically speaking- not saying that this is the case), then she can’t complain if they have no respect for her either.
There has to be room for compromise. If a vegetarian isn’t comfortable with meat in the dorm, then they are the one who has to adjust, because you can’t expect someone to completely change their lifestyle for you. If someone wants to host a loud party the day before their roommate’s final, it’s up to them to take their roommate’s feelings into account.
It doesn’t matter whether or not you understand why OP’s roommate would be uncomfortable about BF staying over, but the fact is that she is and OP needs to respect that. OP doesn’t get to force her roommates to live with another stranger when they didn’t sign up for it. The roommate shouldn’t have to deal with a mistake made by OP, BF, or BF’s mom.</p>

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<p>

There are many, many things wrong with this comparison, but I’ll entertain this. If a roommate feels “uncomfortable” with those that you described above you do NOT have to change your diet. You are free to eat the foods you want, just as your roommate is free to not eat the food they do not want. There is not rule governing personal diets in dorm rooms. Now guests, on the other hand, is a heavily discussed and controversial topic when it comes to roommates. Roommates share a common space. This space is a safe place for those who live there where they should not feel uncomfortable or on edge. Each roommate has that right. This is why generally the guest policies on campuses is that all of those who live there must agree to having guests over. One roommate’s desire should not overstep another’s security. </p>

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<p>It turns out that I am able to bring my car. There is a parking garage right next to my dorm. It will be cool at night and he will just sleep in the backseat of my car. There is a public bathroom with showers that he will be using. Thanks for all of the input. I knew that I couldn’t force my roommates into it, but I couldn’t find another option. Now that I found a solution, I will make sure I spend time with my boyfriend, but also bond with my roommates and other people on my floor. I’m so relieved that he has somewhere he can sleep! My boyfriend is outgoing and friendly, but very respectful and understanding. If they let him stay for a night or two, that would be great, but if not, he can at least crash in my car. </p>

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<p>

…until the pain and stiffness becomes so great that it will wake him up!</p>

<p>Anything for love!</p>

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<p>That is very considerate of him. I would not push him staying further, but I would ask the room mate to explain her hesitation. It is possible that he will visit again and another room mate may also want a boyfriend to visit. Since you all have a single room, the issue may be the bathroom. Since there is another bathroom for him to use, it is possible he could stay with you at night. If not , then there is the car.
Your room mate may have a reason you are not aware of. One of my kids had a hallmate who was Muslim and had to keep her hair covered in mixed company. Naturally it was fine to have male visitors on the hall in the day when she was dressed, but at night and in the bathroom could be a problem. Your room mate may be religious and have modesty values. In this case she may be ok with your boyfriend in your room but not in the bathroom or common areas when she might be casually dressed.
It is also good to spend time alone with your room mates. Even when room mates get along, having a boyfriend can strain relationships if they don’t make time to talk. Communication is important when living with other people. </p>

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<p>I don’t get one thing though. how come his mom booked air tickets without knowing the place to stay (when the BF don’t have the cash to stay at hotel)? if I would be in the position I wouldn’t push her considering it’s the start of school year when everyone is a bit stressed about meeting new people and since you’re staying in single room in a unit, it’d be worst possible thing in the long term considering that you still don’t know each other well and with the bitter experience, roommate conflict is likely to happen in the upcoming year. I faced this kind of problem once (way simpler than this. it was my roommate who had to pickup something from my friend when i was out of town for emergency and it was just one hour) but it made huge problems 2 months later and eventually we split up. you don’t want to be in that position for 5 days. I would try to explain the situation but try not to pushing her. but she’s obviously in the stress of freshman year. “know each other better before inviting guests”</p>

<p>she’s NOT saying it’s NOT okay for the OP’s BF to stay with OP.</p>

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<p>YES, you are asking WAY TOO MUCH.
Put yourself in your other roommates shoes! these are all young girls who really do not know anything about this guy, except he is your boyfriend - that is enough reason to be VERY uncomfortable with the situation.</p>

<p>Even if they grudgingly agree, is it worth starting a 4 year friendship with your colleges this way? I do not think so. Everyone has a reason for their decisions and you are not to ask someone you just met, their reasons for not wanting this. It does seem like they are acting like adults already, so I applaud your other roommates stance on this issue. I would expect my sister to do the same if she was a new freshman in college. The point is, it is a “GUY” wanting to stay in their quarters for 5 days, and they are all females. It is definitely not okay. </p>

<p>Tell your boyfriend to ask for a refund ticket for the airfare or safe some money for an affordable hotel room. He has 30 days and if he gets some odd jobs in 2 weeks he will have more than enough for a nice 5 day hotel room, instead of ruining you college experience for you.
“How can you settle for this type of arrangement from your boyfriend?” Not a good look if you ask me. Good thing you are going to college, which I hope you stay and graduate so that you can see that “LOVE” is beautiful, patience, and respectful not a 5 day run.</p>

<p>In all, these are things adults do, so if he wants to do adult things, then tell him “welcome to the big boys club”, where men work hard to provide for their dates, girlfriends, wife’s etc…LOL.</p>

<p>On a more serious note, remember first impression matters, and so far it does not look like you are making a good one on your other future roommates, well even the ones that agree might change their mind.
Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>I’m not suggesting you push it, and it isn’t a good time, but I would want to understand my room mate’s feelings about this. It could be that she doesn’t know the room mates or the boyfriend yet, or she does have some boundaries that are important to her- and I would want to know them. </p>