Roommate issues for First Year

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm looking for some feedback on a negative housing situation that is affecting our S's entire college experience, and what we can do and/or what we can expect from the administration in rectifying the negative situation. Please bear with me while I try to paint a picture.</p>

<p>Our S is a first year attending a CC Top Universities school. He has a rigorous academic regimen, with--even for college--unusually large amounts of reading and writing. He is socially engaging, yet demure.</p>

<p>He lives in a living learning community (LLC) with a focus on performance and culture. he enjoys many of his floormates, though few are first year students. </p>

<p>He and his roommate have had issues, though, I believe largely due to our S, they've tried to coexist. Our S is: generally neat and organized; very studious (he understands his first priority is to learn and excel in his studies); others consider him to be charming, self-effacing, polite and considerate (yes, we're proud, but really, I'm not making this up :-) ). He does not like confrontation. Jazz is his music preference; he does not drink, smoke or do drugs, though he is moderately tolerant of others who make that choice.</p>

<p>His roommate, in many ways, is the opposite of our S. The roommate is: not studious (our S says he 'doesn't know when he studies...'); is inconsiderate (he plays LOUD rap music at all times, regardless of whether our S is trying to study or not); is sloppy--bed is a mess, garbage can always filled with his stuff yet he rarely empties it (our S came home from Thsgvng break to find 'garbage' on floor our S's side of the room, his music stand knocked over, etc.). Roommate also comes in in the middle of the night (4am or 5am), noisy, banging stuff around and 'obviously having visited the cheeba hut,' as my S says. He watches TV in the room often (stuff like comedy shows, which, at other times, our S would love, but not during studying). Roommate's friends sometimes come over when roommate is there, rarely even acknowledging our S and certainly not deferring to the fact that it's S's room also.</p>

<p>In order to cope with this, our S often leaves the room to study (during mid terms, he 'camped out' in the study hall on the floor for 4 days, leaving only to sleep, eat and go to class).</p>

<p>Other roommate factors: he is considered an international student because his parents are missionaries, yet he really grew up in the states; roommate's sister is/was a student at the school and lived on same floor. Also, our S and roommate are of different races. </p>

<p>And the big one: last week, roommate mumbled to our S "What happens if you don't pre-register?" because the deadline had passed. Our S told him what to do. Roommate said 'Sounds like too much trouble.'</p>

<p>The other thing is that when our S got home from break, he learned that a nice electronic gadget of his was missing from his room.</p>

<p>When these same problems came up at the beginning of the year, we called campus housing, who sent us through the chain of command. The bureaucracy listened but was not really helpful. Due to the efforts of our S, they have been coexisting, but that's it.</p>

<p>Whew. </p>

<p>My questions:
-What should I expect from the school at this point?
-How can I prevent this from having an adverse affect on our S's home stretch during this semester?
-Should we tell the administration about the roommate not pre-registering?
-What about the missing item?
-Should we assume that this is not going to work and request a new room/mate?
-Does the 'race card' have any effect on this situation? (We know it shouldn't; but, will it?)
-If they do make a split happen, should our S be able to stay on the floor, or should the roommate, because roommate isn't initiating the split, be the one to stay in the room? </p>

<p>This is a school that had 1500 kids on this year's waiting list. It just seems like this kid doesn't want to be there. Our S does want to be there--and to thrive. </p>

<p>I've found a lot of wisdom on this site in the past reading about other people's issues. I'm really looking for your thoughts and insights now.</p>

<p>Thanx.</p>

2

<p>I should also mention that this has our S talking about transferring to another school (not the way we think but roomate issue is clouding everything about school).</p>

3

<ul>
<li>In todays world --though I am beginnign to question the wisdom of such changes since the 60's; colleges do not serve as 'parents in absentia' sorry there is a latin term for this. I would not expect much help</li>
<li>This just shows that getting into "CC top universities" does not guarantee a cocoon from life....</li>
<li>I would maybe ask "have you seen my ---electronic whatever-- " then chalk it up to experience
--What I would do is try and get another roommate-asap... </li>
<li>I ABSOLUTELY would not tell admin about not pre-registering --it is not your problem and it may allow the roommate situation to take care of itself i.e he isnt back after semester..... I am surprised you would even consider telling Admin-- seems like a possible avenue to a solution </li>
</ul>

<p>best of luick to your s</p>

4

<p>Don't make too much of it. Your son needs to find another roommate quickly. He won't be the only one. I suspect the other kid sees the mismatch as much as your son does, and would rather be with his friends as well.</p>

<p>I'm sure the school has a housing coordinator, and the dorm likely has a resident advisor or some such. If your son hasn't figured that out yet, remind him that this kind of situation has repeated itself for decades (maybe longer), is not particularly unusual, and that he has rights, too, and needs to exercise them. The school doesn't want unhappy campers. And then...lay back...this is your son's conundrum, not yours.</p>

<p>P.S. My d. had a similar situation last year, and had an agreeable parting of the ways with her roommate after the first 6 weeks, and became happy as a clam.</p>

5

<p>I agree this sounds like a difficult situation, but I also wonder if your son isn't making it worse by coming off as something of a studious prig (which may or may not be the case). I'd certainly be tempted to come in noisily on weekends just to annoy someone who studied all the time (which is how you make it sound, perhaps not actually the case). As for "Roommate's friends sometimes come over when roommate is there"--how on earth can your son complain about that? He's trying to study? Well, does that mean his roommate can never have friends in?</p>

<p>As for being forced to study "in the study hall on the floor"--isn't that what it's for? </p>

<p>And the garbage issue? Maybe your son would end up being less annoyed if he just took the garbage out every day, instead of expecting the roommate to do it? So what if it's not fair? It's 30 seconds out of his life instead of an hour being annoyed.</p>

<p>Maybe his roommate really is horrible. Maybe he's not. Maybe it's a terrible fit. It's nearly the end of the semester and he can certainly look for a new roommate next semester--he can ask the administration and the RA how that works--and in the meantime he might want to actually TALK WITH his roommate about what would work for both of them.</p>

6

<p>I actually think these problems sound like pretty ordinary run-of-the-mill bad roommate problems. Not to discredit your concern about it (it would concern me too!!!) but lots of kids are miserable with their roommate right about now, and they have to find a way for themselves to get out of the situation. Parents calling the school seems pointless to me. Your son needs to be talking to housing people and trying to find a new living environment. If he's thinking of transferring out for other reasons, fine, but he's just as likely to get a bad roommate someplace else.</p>

<p>As far as the missing item - kids in dorms are responsible for securing their own stuff. Anyone could have stolen it - his roommate, a visitor, housekeeping, security, someone who ducked in while no one was looking. Such are the risks of living in a dorm.</p>

<p>As far as studying - I don't think any college kid can expect to study in his/her room. If it works out, fine, but if it doesn't, well, that's what the library is for.</p>

<p>It's too bad that roommates are so luck-of-the-draw for freshmen. Sometimes I think colleges should give every freshman a single room until they can find people they want to live with. (I know, keep dreaming...) It would solve so many problems. I know from my own college years that overcoming a bad housing situation that first year is really tough.</p>

7

<p>Having had roommates.....there is always some problem. My point about the studying is this......most people I know of study elsewhere. I cannot imagine studying in my room most of the time ....ever, even when i don't have a roommate. I'd say the complaint about studying is not valid. One presumes the school has a way to transfer rooms, get a single or another roomy before the end of the term. I should think your son would already be on a list.</p>

8

<p>Thanks to all for comments thus far. A few clarifications based on those comments.</p>

<p>I made it sound as though my S never talks to roommate. Actually, the reality is that he has asked roommate to do things that might solve some issues, but roommate always grumbles. My S is considerate; when roommate came in last night and went to bed a 7 pm, S left room so that his light wasn't on and so that the clackety-clack of the keyboard didn't keep roommate up. </p>

<p>And the missing item (about $100 in value) is really a red herring. S asked him about it, roommate didn't know where it was. I merely mention it as part of the overall picture (theft really is a violation of the person more than a loss of property, isn't it?).</p>

<p>Thanks again.</p>

9

<p>such a teenage kinda thing. Sounds like your son is the "adult" and roomy has taken on the child role here. That is kinda hard to fix.</p>

10

<p>I sympathize.</p>

<p>You need to find a nice way to communicate to your son that he needs to own this problem right now; you're happy to be a sounding board or to role play, but you can't intervene with the housing folks, or "rescue" him from a bad situation.</p>

<p>Your son has lots of options-- go to the Dean of student life, explain that he and roomie have basic incompatibility issues that are interfering with his ability to sleep and get his work done, and request a transfer to another room; explain to roomie that unless they figure out a co-existing strategy or swap places with friends they'll both be miserable for another semester; develop some coping mechanisms (taking out the garbage and buying earplugs to name two easy fixes), etc. However-- you only have one option-- butt out. As painful as this is to watch, you need to allow your son to figure out how to fix this.</p>

<p>I am curious though why your son would even think that it's his issue that roomie hasn't pre-registered, let alone why you would want to get involved. You know half the story here... the other half (i.e. the roomies) may be that his parents forced him to go to the school where his sister attends and that he's trying to get thrown out as quickly as possible; he wanted to take a gap year but they wouldn't let him; he wanted to join the marines, or whatever. So-- I wouldn't get involved in someone else's parenting issue, just encourage your son to deal with the problem at hand.</p>

11

<p>Blossom--</p>

<p>you're right about my S owning the problem. I floated this problem on the board because we are looking for level-headed responses like the one you gave. Thank you.</p>

<p>As for the pre-reg thing, you and the other posters are also right: it's not our problem. But you know, we are of the school of thought that if we all share a bit of concern for others--especially in a setting as, er, collegial, as a school community, perhaps we can help things a bit. I'm not a shrink, but this kid is crying out for help. </p>

<p>And yes, all your points are good ones. Thanks.</p>

12

<p>This sounds a lot like my roommate (although she's female). Sloppy, inconsiderate, very self-absorbed, drinks and I don't, etc., etc. I'm not trying to come off as haughty or anything, but she's just not very mature at all and it drives me crazy, so I don't spend too much time in the room. I think that the roommate situation has had a large impact on my first-semester experience and was probably most of the reason I considered transferring (I've decided not to now, though...) The freshman assignments were done pretty randomly here (we were asked about 5 yes/no questions), and most assignments work out fairly decently...but there are flaws sometimes.</p>

<p>Go to the school's web site and search for the housing department's page. See what the policy is for changing rooms spring semester - I would expect there is one - and give your s a heads up about it, because the deadline to apply may be coming up soon. However, be warned - should he decide to switch and if the assignments are done randomly, he could be going from bad to worse. Regarding who is the one who has to move, that's probably up to your s and the roommate to figure out...</p>

<p>I'm planning to turn in my application tomorrow to see if I can get moved to a single.</p>

13

<p>Sorry this is so long, but rommate issues, especially the first year, can be so tough to deal with, so I tried to address all your questions:</p>

<p>Roommates are a great way to learn "get along" skills. My D has had a variety of roommate issues over the years- one was doing hard drugs- that was an interesting situation from which to extricate herself, as it was not dorm housing, but an off-campus lease. We have seen BF sleepover issues (ongoing for weeks & turning into months); “she leaves the light/TV on even when she’s gone”, who bought & ate which food, who cleans which rooms, who is "never there" and "shouldn't have to clean up"; leaving dirty dishes in the sink, borrowing parking passes, whether to get & pay for cable TV or not, usage of utilities, who buys things for the place, who gets to keep what of the shared purchases, all the fun things.</p>

<p>I have been able to advise my D1 on choosing her battles. One of the biggest tools has been, treat the roommate like you would treat your sister. D is neat & roommate is messy, okay, that's life. So, treat the roommate with the kindness you would offer your sister (hmmm, no pinching though ;) ) D is learning a lot about how to get along when she feels "wronged" but the situation is not really fixable, and when the other person thinks they have been wronged, too. I think these are good life lessons for our somewhat pampered generation ;)</p>

<p>With all this under our belts, freshman D's roommate complaints seem small potatoes. D2 is in a triple, the other two girls are the same race which is different than D, the other 2 girls are friends with each other, but are not really friendly with D, they are polite and courteous, but not truly interested in being friends at a deeper level. D is saddened by this, but as I have pointed out all the good things- every one is pretty neat, pretty clean, sharing closets works out fine, people will respect the studier, no one is vomiting & drunk, no sexiling, it is really not a bad situation. Had I not seen older D deal with real issues, I would have thought the lack of a perfect match required immediate rectifying, but instead I am not so concerned, and warned D if she does switch (she did not get the type of room she originally requested and did go on a wait list for those rooms) she may get something worse.</p>

<p>Roommate friends are to be expected and it is a weird call, are you friendly or do you ignore each other? Seems to depend on the people. As long as they are not there when the roomie is gone, then there should not be a problem.</p>

<p>Studying & music are things which can be worked out- you can study elsewhere, but your room is your home, can they agree on certain studying times in the room, are the rest is “living time?”</p>

<p>Messy? As long as new life forms are not growing, you S should basically ignore the roommate’s mess, empty the trash for his own peace of mind, shove roommate’s overflow back to that side of the room- basically, like any sitcom TV show, picture the line down the middle of the room and ignore the mess. This will be excellent practice for being the parent of a teenager someday. My two Ds are both neater than the average kid, not that I knew that when they lived at home, but they complain a lot about slobby roommates- there is only so much you can do in a roommate situation. Stinky moldy things are always fair game for removal!!!</p>

<p>Roommate’s registration issues? Nope, not your S’s business or problem, if they were friends, then yes S should help his friend, but they are only sharing space- it sounds like.</p>

<p>Lost items- keep anything special locked up, there are always mysterious disappearances with roommates. Could be roomie, could be roomies friends, could be others on the floor. Your S should have locks, not give combos to the roommate and always lock up important items. It’s good to remind the kids, frequently- don’t give your combos, student ID#, passwords for internet stuff, SS#, etc, to ANYONE, even if you “trust” them….things change, and you should not “trust” any friend or even boyfriend to never change. I remind my D’s every year, don’t share the personal info. D1 had the first roommate (druggie girl) access her online info and just generally mess with D for the fun of it, learned a lesson there!</p>

<p>If it comes to a switch, I would take whatever possible switch I could make and not make a stand on keeping the room- the purpose of being there, at college, is to have a successful experience, which physical room he is in should not matter- if it comes down to switching, then S should take what he can get.</p>

<p>It is true that this guy is interfering with your son’s perfect college experience, but your S may learn some great life’s lessons this term, and be able to have a great time next term by switching.</p>

<p>Feel free to PM me, I have lots of “roommate rant” listening experience! Blossom is right, the best lesson we can learn as parents is that we cannot "fix" anything for the college kids- it is their time to fix things, we can be a reasoned sounding board, allowing them to vent, but steering them back to what the critical factors are so THEY can make good decisions. Also, remember, ranting to you makes the situation more tolerable, so he may feel much better by dumping all over you :D</p>

14

<p>To OP...you have been very good to be considerate of the often 'brutal sounding ' advice here....this is a good place to vent and get ideas... hopefully oyu dont feel lectured.</p>

<p>I think (and you clarified some things) that you have stated well that your son has a bad roomate situation; it does not appear to be your sons fault and lastly he has tried to solve the problem.... I believe that the solution is to find a way to split ASAP. </p>

<p>Two parables that might help...the first is atrue story.</p>

<p>We lived overseas, there was an issue with the embassy sponsored school. The embassy had effectively lost control, even though they were sponsors. The First Chief of Mission (essentially the #2 man at Embassy and thus a seasoned professioanl diplomat). Stated in a public meeting, as peopel tried to encourage a solution that(paraphrase" sometimes you just cant talk anyomor-and talking is my life- sometimes you just have to go your own way." ...so dont worrya botu roomates registration, habits, etc... just try and find a swithc of roomates... </p>

<p>Second parable... it is good to help. If the school is 'onboard' thus must have a system to know the kid didnt pre-register.... WE live in gulf Coast region, during the hurricane evacuation, some people we know took in soem refugees -- they basically became responsible for them, and it wasnt good. The preferred option would have been to get them to a red cross (or similar-professional) shelter. they have ways and means to work in system..... If you want to help the other boy fine.. tell the RA he is difficult; ask for a switch, wish him well (pray if that is your thing) and save youself (or your son) </p>

<p>ramble... but best of luck in adifficult situation, I think all efforts should be on switching roomates somhow/someway... thanks for patience..</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
y questions:
-What should I expect from the school at this point?
-How can I prevent this from having an adverse affect on our S's home stretch during this semester?
-Should we tell the administration about the roommate not pre-registering?
-What about the missing item?
-Should we assume that this is not going to work and request a new room/mate?

[/quote]

YOU shouldn't expect anything from the school. Your son, on the other hand, has a few options. The first is to talk things over with the RA. They have some training in resolving situations like this, also they live on the floor and may have some knowledge of things your son left out; there are always 2 sides to a story, after all. Most schools also have free counseling in which students can seek advice in how to handle problems. </p>

<p>How can you prevent it from impacting your son? Well, YOU can't. And actually this situation is pretty mild considering all th horrible roomate stories that could happen. Roomate isn't dealing drugs out of the room, sending him out every nite while he shacks up with SO, etc. It is a good experience as others have pointed out for son to learn to deal with problems. You can't solve it for him; you can give advice, but its his issue to solve. That's actually the most important thing for him to take away from this; he's not a child anymore and while you're always happy to talk things over and give advice, the days of you're jumping in to fix things have ended.</p>

<p>As for the preregistration, not your worry. Nor is how much the other kid studies, what his grades are, whether he picked the right major, etc.</p>

<p>The missing item may have been lost, may have been taken by somebody. Lock up valuables in a dorm since people are always wandering in and out. Roomate goes down the hall to the bathroom, maybe somebody walked in and picked it up. Maybe roomate stole it, but unless son sees the roomate in actual possession of said device I wouldn't accuse anyone of stealing it.</p>

<p>And as others have pointed out, the room is where the kids <em>live</em>. To expect it to be silent is not realistic. Friends will come over, people relax by listening to the stereo or TV, they might even have a few drinks at night. If son wants a quiet study environment there is the library or study hall.</p>

<p>Here's my advice. For one thing, stop calling campus housing. You do more for your son by teaching him he can handle his own problems than you do by "solving" them for him, and you've only heard one side. I'm not saying your son is lying to you, but I shade things when I tell my story to make myself sound more virtuous and wronged and so does everyone else (including probably your son). Second, don't try to run roomate's life. If he doesn't want to register, its his issue.</p>

16

<p>I think you should provide advice and emotional support to your son but refrain from taking care of his issues for him.
Remember that this is your son's roommate (as in not your roomate). Your son (and only your son) should handle it with the RA. The RA's lack of response was likely because he wanted your son to take care of the roomate sitution himself. I bet that if your son complains loudly enough to the RA the situation will be resolved. Your complaints though will likely only result in lipservice at best.
In the meantime, a locked filing cabinet works wonders at keeping stuff from growing legs.</p>

17

<p>RTY and others--thanks for the input. Some great ideas here.</p>

<p>Clearly, I asked for (and received) help because, as a reasonable person, I wanted to get input from other reasonable people who were not close to the situation and might offer some thoughts. So, I'm OK with 'brutal sounding' advice. </p>

<p>But the post after RTY sounded closer to what I consider a lecture. The post wrote that I said the roommate took the item (I wrote it was missing; I have not here or in private discussions said or implied the roommate took it; I am conflicted by this discovery. I said it's missing and asked what others would make of this.)</p>

<p>We called campus housing once. I don't plan on calling again; you'll see that others offered some good ideas about how to help S gather info (see juba2jive), then move forward on own.</p>

<p>Mikemac goes on about the pre-reg thing...we've discussed this already without mikemac offering anything new (see Blossom's constructive comments).</p>

<p>This forum is helpful when we as parents can find ways to balance our natural desire to help our offspring however we can while also letting them grow on their own. Thanks to all who make that happen in constructive ways.</p>

18

<p>just my 2 cents here but it sounds as if your S would be better suited in a single. He can keep it clean, study in silence, etc..BUT then he would be by himself, which can be both good and bad. Maybe he can get one for next semester.</p>

<p>My S was similar in the study area and his freshman roomie barely made classes (this was not a random draw - they were friends in HS). S studied in the library - often until wee hours of the morning.<br>
We did not get involved, although we were tempted. S worked it out and for 2nd year applied for a single. Unfortunately, he had a lousy lottery number and was given a new roommate in a double. It's working well.</p>

<p>If your son wants out - he will probably be the one to move.</p>

<p>Communication is key - even if your S has to repeat himself - over and over...take out the trash or like my son - put it on the roomies side. Actually it ended up on the bed - twice. Roomie "got it" and problem solved, but my S knew he was getting a new roomie the following year (since he wasn't pledging a frat and his roomie was).</p>

19

<p>Sorry about typos. One thing that many of us have probably not focused on in our 'advice' is the underlying concern for your S college success, grades and possibly transferring. Every kid is different. If it were one of my children I would say he hit his limit and is serious about transferring.. If I heard this from the other, I would view it as a cry of 'help me' ...you know your child better than we do ..do you think he might seriously consider transferring? </p>

<p>The other issue is --and apologies if you have answered this-- has your son discussed switching roommates with the current roommate or is he seeking your advice?</p>

<p>MY comment is that I would try and put your Son on the track of working the system to change roommates ... and possibly help him realize (with the situation as presented )he has done all he can and that is the next path to pursue....</p>

<p>Also as I look back on this thread..I think GMG point in the extensive explanation of electronic devices,etc etc and all the detail was to say --we are at a serious empasse -- so lets dont get distracted by side issues, and see if advice to OP is forthcoming</p>

20

<p>
[quote]
Mikemac goes on about the pre-reg thing...we've discussed this already without mikemac offering anything new (see Blossom's constructive comments).

[/quote]
Yeah, "goes on" constituted exactly 3 sentences out of all that I wrote. I guess you missed everything else. Accident, or not?</p>

<p>I think the situation is becoming clearer. Parents are controlling, looking for sympathetic words and advice on how they can "fix" the situation. Add in a bucket of over-sensititity and resentment over even a hint of criticism. If this is how you sounded on the phone to the housing office, its no surprise things haven't changed. And speaking of defensiveness and what sure looks like intentional misreadings, GoManGo, why don't you post any sentence which matches your retort "The post wrote that I said the roommate took the item"; it exists only in your imagination.</p>

<p>IMHO the biggest problem your son has are over-involved parents who at the start of the school year no doubt alienated the housing staff with their phone calls over some dubious complaints, who still think they own responsibility for fixing the problems of their adult son, and even are blind to the boundaries between controlling their own son and trying to run the life of son's roomate.</p>

<p>I've always wondered what was on the mind of helicopter parents, and I have to thank GoManGo for the posts showing how people like that reason.</p>