Roommate issues...talks too much, etc.

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>So, my roommate and I were good friends last school year, and after having a bad experience with last year's roommate, we decided to room together. It seemed like a good idea at first, but now I'm not too happy with my choice.</p>

<p>I didn't realize this before, but my roommate is VERY religious. Not that I have a problem with that (even though I'm not really that religious myself), but she has very strong protestant beliefs that she likes to shove down my throat, and it makes me uncomfortable when she goes into lengthy discussions about it. Which brings me to my next point....</p>

<p>I have a boyfriend. At the beginning of the year, without me even asking her, she told me that it was "totally fine" if he spent the night with me. It was even on our roommate contract that the RA keeps. Halfway through this year, she changed her mind suddenly, and although I felt a little odd about that (you can't just change your mind on something on the contract halfway through the year), I respected her wishes, and didn't have him spend the night on nights when she was there (she goes home on the weekend a lot), and I did the very best I could to bring him over during times when she wasn't there either (which is very difficult already because she gets out of class at the same exact time that my boyfriend does...and my boyfriend has a 40+ minute commute to school 3 days a week, so it's not like we can just go somewhere else to have "alone time").</p>

<p>I didn't know this until one of my suitemates told me, but apparently my roommate had been talking behind my back for quite some time. She was saying that I "violate her Christian upbringing" (which she totally denied when I confronted her on it by the way) and that she would not allow my boyfriend and I to have any alone time in the room because it violates her Christian beliefs. Um...as far as I know she can't control what I do when she's not in the room. As long as I'm not damaging property or disturbing anyone PRESENT at that time, it doesn't matter what I do.</p>

<p>Things have settled down a bit since then, but I'm still having numerous other problems with her. For one, when I do actually have my boyfriend over at the same time, she gabs at him nonstop (she has ADHD...but I don't think it's an excuse for her excessive talking because I have it too and don't talk nearly as much) when I want to spend time with him.....not listen to the two of them talk, as selfish as that sounds. My boyfriend isn't a huge fan of hers right now either, so it's not like he would be inconvenienced if I asked her to tone it down a bit. Also, my roommate, despite being a complete prude, says inappropriate things in front of my boyfriend like "Oh, sorry if my boobs are popping out" and stuff like that. I'm not annoyed with it in a jealous way, but that's really disrespectful to say in front of someone else's boyfriend. I would NEVER say something like that in front of someone else's boyfriend....ever!!</p>

<p>Also, my roommate just talks WAY too much in general. And it's not a two-way conversation either- it's all about herself. Like I said before, we both have ADHD, but I don't think that's a proper excuse for how much she talks, because I am significantly quieter than she is. She's a music major (so she never has much homework...just has more class time instead), and I'm a chemistry major, so I am always doing more homework than she is. And whenever I try to do homework or grade exams/quizzes (I also have a job as a proctor/grader for a professor here), she thinks it's an okay time to yap at me. Even when I politely tell her that I need to "get back to work now" or that too much noise distracts me, she still comes up with some way to make noise. Either by talking to herself about her homework, or by making random comments. It just never stops! And even when I wear earplugs (which I bought this semester because I just couldn't take her rambling anymore) while doing work, she still finds some way to bother me. It's just so annoying!</p>

<p>She has 8am classes 3x a week, whereas I have 10:40am classes 3x a week (we both have classes every day, but those are our earliest classes), but she always seems to wake me up when she gets ready in the morning. Whether it's having her alarm go off 3 times (starting at like 5:20am, on her desk, but she then climbs back into bed to go to sleep, making the alarm completely pointless) or banging stuff around in the room, or slamming doors, she's been waking me up more often in the past week or so. And I wouldn't consider myself to be a light sleeper, so I'm pretty sure I'm not being hypersensitive about it. </p>

<p>Sorry, this is a lot, but what should I do about this? How should I confront her on some of this stuff? And I can't just switch rooms either.</p>

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<p>So you have a music major with a chemistry major, one super religious, one not, one single, one with a boyfriend, and both have ADHD? What could go wrong?</p>

<p>Sorry, the only real answer is to discuss your concerns with her. Almost everyone will have roommate issues when you live in such close quarters. Hopefully the two of you can have a mature, calm discussion about this. That may not be possible if she is the type that talks about you behind your back and won’t admit it. </p>

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<p>Regarding the boyfriend, it sounds like this is mostly her issue and not yours. If she goes home on the weekends frequently, then it doesn’t seem as much of an issue, since he can come over whenever she’s not there. If she’s not okay, well, tough luck. It’s within her rights to say no to overnight guests, regardless of what she told you before, but she can’t tell you who you can and cannot have over when she’s not even there. If you’ve already asked her about her comments to others and she denies it, there’s not much more she can do. I get that it bothers you, but just ignore it. If she thinks it’s wrong or whatever, then that’s her problem, not yours.</p>

<p>If you’re tired of her talking to you all the time, why don’t you just leave? Is there a common room that you can study in, instead of your room? Could you go to the library instead? Or perhaps, you can put in headphones and listen to music, or just stop responding. If she seems insistent about getting your attention, just tell her that you couldn’t hear her, sorry, you were focusing on your schoolwork. Some people are just more talkative in general, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you tell her that you can’t talk now because you really have to get work done and she ignores you, then just ignore her. If you can’t ignore her, go to the library or something.</p>

<p>Her waking you up in the morning is just life, sorry. Some people are louder than others, and some people are more sensitive to noise than others. Even if you say that you aren’t a light sleeper, compared to someone else, you may very well be. What I consider quiet in the morning may not be what you consider quiet in the morning, and what I consider the sound of a door just closing may be what you consider slamming. It varies, and sometimes, you just have to accept those differences. Try to be reasonable about what you consider really loud and what is just normal noise. Ask her to keep it down in the morning. It might take a couple of times repeating, but if it doesn’t seem to get much better, there’s not much else you can do. It’s unfortunate, but having a roommate means dealing with someone else’s schedule and personality. I’m sure there are things that you do that bother her but she can’t make you stop doing them. Sometimes you just have to deal. Could you sleep with ear plugs?</p>

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<p>Thanks to both of you- this is helpful. I do respect her wishes, even though I may not agree with what she says, and try to avoid having him around too much when she’s there. We also don’t spend the night together when she’s there either. I have invested in earplugs, which help me to block her out (as bad as that sounds) while I’m studying since she makes a lot of needless comments and babbles about random stuff. Then I just apologize later on if I ignored something she said. I could go to the library, but it’s about a 10 minute walk from my dorm, and it’s a little inconvenient to have to relocate all of my stuff (especially my laptop since it’s been having issues and has to be plugged in 24/7)…plus we’ve had extremely cold weather here lately. So I’m just doing what I can. The ear plugs really seem to help. I can’t really sleep with earplugs because I need to be able to hear my alarm in the morning (I have 10:40 classes 3 days a week so I like to get up at 8 on those days), so instead I just try going to bed a little later so I’ll be in a deeper sleep when she gets up, if that makes any sense. Thanks again! I just have to make it through this semester, because the dorm I’ll be in next year has a different setup and I won’t have to share a bedroom- just a common area.</p>