Roommate Issues

College Life
1

Im going to appolgize for the long post. At my school I went through the random match up system for a roommate, after several issues with this I ended up with who I thought was the perfect roommate. In an odd twist, my roommate was a student of my high school band and marching band teacher, who had come to my school my freshman year, and left my roommate’s school his sophmore year. For the sake of this we will call my roommate, Mikey. It seemed like it was a good match, and started off fine.

But as last semester progressed I found out that Mikey would go out drinking with the Marching Band kids,as I found from him they have wild parties. I do not drink myself nor go to parties. It was a big shock to me then seeing my roommate come home drunk from the band’s “milk and cookies” party as they called it. As the semester progressed he began drinking more, and the stress of being a first semester college student with knowing my roommate would go to these parties every so often was troublesome. Especially after he came home drunk the third time, and at midnight asked me to put in headphones, as he called a friend he knew and they talked till 3 AM. He generally would get drunk over the weekend, the only exception last semester was Halloween. We remained on good terms, and would still have lunch together every day.

However in October before he got drunk on Halloween, he was drunk enough a friend had to help him into our dorm, someone I have never met before, for the sake of this his name is Chuck. This leads back to Halloween were Chuck, having only met him once sat with us at lunch with another one of Mikey’s friends I did not know. Mikey had to go to work and I finnished my food while Chuck asked a very intimate question to Mikey’s other friend about Mikey, and it was a very intimate question I did not need to here regarding my roommate. Mikey would continuously have Chuck over until things came to a head between the two, I was not comfortable he was there in our dorm. Anyway after Mikey and Chuck had a falling out it was November, and the band kids(I am not in band in college) threw a final party. My roommate came home drunk at 2am, and a complete stranger had to walk him in the room. I could smell the alcohol on him. After talking to him, Mikey mentioned that alocholism runs in his family. Mikey then asked me to set my alarm clock for 6 Am, so that he could get ready for his Winter Percussion practice in the morning, I had a very little sleep that night. I complied.

That following week I finaly told my parents what has happened throughout the semester, they told me just to roll with it,and that I am not his caretaker. Well we began growing a bit distant, and during Finals week Mikey was working alot, and our School has regulations to clean the dorm and defrost the mini fridge before going on Winter Break. So I cleaned the dorm and offered to defrost the minifridge and vacuum his side of the room since he would not have time to-which by the way I have never seen him clean his side, and I always have to clean the vanity and take out the trash, he only took trash out once. Anyway I cleaned. In our shared community food area we had a food bowl we had several tea bags and creamers in there. In the bowl I found he had left one of his condoms, thankfully still wrapped, I am practicing abstinence, and I knew he has condoms, he leaves them on his desk. I was angry to find one in a shared space, especially in our food bowl. I threw the entire bowl away. We then went on break.

After a long break I came back two days early to go back to dorm. My father and I had the displeasure of finding a condom-thankfully not open right in the middle of the floor. My father talked to me, as he knew I did not want to come back, and was thinking of transferring to a university closer to home. My father reassured me about staying here, telling me that I am here to earn a degree, not to worry about my roommate. My roommate came back a day later, we talked a bit but as the week progressed and classes began, we talked less and less, not acknowleding each other, and constantly wearing headphones. My parents told me to still remain cool and just to go along with things,espically if he was acting cold to me, which was a mutal feeling. I talked to him, were I could. I don’t even know what classes he is taking, we rarely talk. The previous Saturday was the first we actually spoke more than five minutes to each other, he even asked me were I disappeared to that day-which was to work on my projects for my 3-D Design class.

Over the past three weeks I have avoided spending as much time in my dorm room, as I don’t no longer feel comfortable there to study, especially when Mikey is there. Yesterday I did not go to my room till 2Am, I did not want to go up to my room, and when I did I got on my phone. Early tonight I was working on a assignment for personal finance, my roommate came in, then left, leaving his comb on the vanity. After a while I put my laundry in the dryer in the wash room, and it was a little past midnight, I usually stay up late since I now have a hard time sleeping. When I went back up to my dorm room, Mikey was back. He was laying on his bed, and trying to maintain a good vibe in the room I asked him how he was. He then proceeded to tell me that he had gone out to a coworkers 21st birthday party. He told me then that she handed him a big mug half way filled with Vodka. He was drunk. Very drunk.

I did my best to be friendly, and nice, while dealing with him being drunk. Mikey was the most sociable and friendly to me being drunk than the entire past three weeks of being “cold and distant”. He told me that he was drinking plenty of water to get over and prevent a hang over. This is the seventh time this school year I know of he got drunk, and this is unacceptable that he got this drunk on a school night. I talked to him a bit more, apologized for coming in to the room late from studying, but I then grabbed my stuff and have been in the lounge for the past few hours trying to calm down, with little to no desire to go back up to my room. Mikey getting this drunk on a school night is unacceptable.In fact I have ended up ranting to a desk operations assistant, not mentioning he got drunk or his name, and she is a complete stranger I have never met till this morning. I also ended up complaining to a friend through a text message.

This can’t keep going on, and I know when I see him later today he is going to be cold and distant. He also like in previous times he has done this, is not going to explain or apologize for his actions. This is an unstable environment for both of us, and frankly I do not know what to do. I don’t even know if my schools Housing and Residential department has any available rooms or roommates for me to switch into or with.

2

Not sure it does any good to use made up names for them when you appear to have created a user name with your real name. And paragraph breaks are super helpful.

From what I can gather from the wall of text, your roommate drinks too much and it is affecting your sleep and well being. Start to see if you can change rooms. Call housing. They may send you back to your RA to work with them. If that is what they say, I would do that. I wouldn’t worry about what your roommate thinks.

3

A couple things:
I don’t know if your parents sheltered you a lot, but you’re at college now. You need to grow up a little bit and not take it so personally if your roommate is drunk or leaves a condom on the floor. Condoms aren’t illegal, and just because you saw one doesn’t mean the world is ending. You make it sound like somehow it’s your roommate’s fault that you ended up ranting to random people or complaining over text about the fact he was drunk on a school night. But that’s your reaction to it.

That being said.

I understand it’s frustrating when you’re trying to focus and somebody is drunk and trying to hang out with you. It’s also frustrating when you’re the only one doing the cleaning. If it’s bugging you that much then speak with your office of housing and see if you can request a new roommate or maybe to be moved to “dry dorms” if your university has them.

4

Your roommate has gotten drunk 7 times this school year, which is about twice a month. He has left 2 wrapped condoms in the room. In some colleges, these are freely available and he seems to have picked up a few. A few times, you have had to stay up on weekends until 3 am while he talked. Down the hall, there are probably a number of other students who are up at 3 am on weekends - that is not unusual.

Regarding defrosting the fridge - assuming you share a fridge only one of you needs to do this job. You did it already, so your roommate can do it next time. Both of you do not need to do this job at the same time.

Clearly you know now that you want to live in a substance free dorm. If one is available to you, you should see if you can get in there. But I agree with the comments above that you seem really rigid. Your roommate seems to be a fairly normal college student, assuming there is a wide range of normal. I thought the drinking stories would be accompanied by stories about vomit, and the condoms might be used, but none of these things are happening there.

The story is that you were out of the room studying until 2 am on a school night and you came back in and found him drinking water. And this upset you for hours.

5

As @CheddarcheeseMN points out, you sound like a perfect candidate for a substance-free dorm. Figure out if your school has that option and try to get in there now or next school year. I get it: dealing with drunk people when you’re sober can be annoying. But your roommate’s behavior isn’t atypical of a college student. It’s part of living with a complete stranger - you take the good with the bad. The expectation that a random roommate has to become a lifelong friend is a pipedream. It’s like marrying your high school sweetheart and staying together for the rest of your life: it happens, but it’s rare.

Honestly, I do think what you’ve experienced is pretty mild. Your parents seem to be a little more tolerant of his behavior than you are (but they aren’t living with him, I know). It could be SO MUCH WORSE. Does he steal from you? Deal drugs out of your room? Toke up at 8:00am? Bring girls over and “get busy”, even when you are there? Be grateful. Even in a substance-free dorm (as D is this year), be prepared for roommates to:

  • come in late on weeknights, noisy and turning on every light in the place
  • allow piles of clothes and crap to accumulate all over every surface, including the floor
  • don't take out the trash, EVER
  • hook up with boyfriends/girlfriends in the room in the middle of the day and get walked in on, by multiple roommates

See? “Substance free” doesn’t mean “fault free” or “thoughtless free”. It just means that, in theory, you have one less variable in a roommate to deal with.

Trying to avoid conflict will not get him to change his behavior. Do not let yourself be a doormat - that only results in more resentment and zero change. This is an opportunity to learn how to better communicate and cohabitate with a roommate in college and beyond. Think hard about the things that really matter (write out what you want to say first if it makes it easier to organize your thoughts) and talk to him in a direct and respectful way. Pick your battles (establish a “lights out” time Mon-Thurs, for example) and ignore the unimportant things (unopened condoms is nothing to get upset about, frankly - hey, safe sex is something to applaud). Be prepared to have the conversation more than once. Give positive reinforcement when you see he actually listened (“Hey, thanks for taking out the trash.”). Reminder: it goes both ways. There may be things YOU do that your roomie doesn’t like. Best of luck!

6

I learned early dorms weren’t always the best place to study or do homework, but we had libraries open 24x7. Look for other places on campus to study. If he’s preventing you from sleeping, talk to him first and then the RA. I only skimmed your excessively long post, but you’re his roommate, not his AA sponsor. If he wants to drink, that’s up to him.

7

Wow, what a long, long way to say you don’t like it when your roommate comes home drunk sometimes, leaves unused condoms around on occasion, is a bit of a slob, and that you seem to generally get along okay.

I am sorry to say, but I do think you need to grow up a bit. It doesn’t seem like he is being super obnoxious. I also think you can just be a man and tell him it isn’t cool to talk on the phone in your room at 3 am when you are trying to sleep. THAT would be the most annoying thing I have seen in this post. Ask to move to sub-free housing, I think you need to be there if possible. And learn to relax. If those are the most annoying things he does, I would hate to see how worked up you will get when something really challenging happens, like coming back to hanky-panky as it’s happening.

8

I’m cringing. but to stay on topic, you need to realize you’re a big boy now and realize that adults do the things your roommate is doing.

9

See if you can get a single, even if not until next year. I think you would be better off not having to deal with a roommate at all. If having one is really causing you this much stress, the extra cost would be worth it.

10

@milousmom This.

11

OP hasn’t been online since the day they posted this - I think we may have offended them lol

12

It is pretty common for college students to drink a lot on weekends. And if one doesn’t have Friday classes, then the “weekend” officially starts on Thursday evenings. I guarantee you that this has been happening for decades on college campuses.

Your roommate is an adult just like you are and he can make his own decisions. Getting drunk once a week in college is, in my opinion, not really something to write home about. Having unused condoms in one’s room is also not really a big deal. Far better for him to have them available and to be able to do things with protection than to get a disease or get somebody pregnant. What is probably not ideal is WHERE he left them.

You don’t have to be your roommate’s baby sitter. And you’re not the guy’s parents.

If you live in the dorms again next school year, I would highly suggest that you request a sober living floor. Like others have mentioned, it won’t necessarily eliminate roommate problems because even sober roommates can be annoying butt heads. Either do that or switch to a single room so you don’t have to deal with a roommate at all.

What you’re going through is all part of the college experience. This is what it’s all about. Being exposed to people & situations that are new and different. Sometimes you figure out that you don’t like certain things very much. It’s called character building. If you’ve never had to share a bedroom at home then that alone is a big deal. Sharing 1 confined space for an entire academic year with somebody who you initially hardly know at all. figuring out how to coexist in that same small room.

Complaining to random people won’t work, but you SHOULD ask for advice from your RA. The RA will likely give some suggestions on how to negotiate with your roommate. This will require you to perhaps step outside your comfort zone a bit and communicate to your roommate in an assertive but positive way what is bothering you about what he’s doing and what you’d like him to change.

You should also be prepared for him to retort with some things that you do which get on his nerves. People usually do this when they feel defensive.

What will likely NOT happen is what you really want - and that is for him to completely stop drinking for the rest of the school year.

13

Another thing to consider…

If you’d like to make friends at college with other students who share your same lifestyle and/or values, then seek out clubs or student groups that would tend to also share those values.

14

Honestly, you sound too dramatic. Try living with a roommate who takes your stuff without asking you. That’d be a bad roommate. He’s just doing his thing.