Hey, guys. I’m a junior still living in a dorm. At the beginning of last semester, my roommate (a freshman) and I seemed to get along fine. However, when school started getting busy, we didn’t talk as much. Last semester was stressful for me, because a guy I was seeing really hurt my feelings, and one of my aunts blocked me on social media and basically wants nothing to do with me. Before Thanksgiving break, I discovered bed bugs in my bed. My roommate and I had to bag our things and get a chemical treatment for our room. Not too long after, I got an email from my RA saying she had issues from my roommates that she’d like to talk to me about. We met and my RA took out the roommate agreement and said that my roommate claimed she was the only one taking out the trash (not true), that I leave my desk light on too early/late, and my laundry basket is in the way a lot. I was like, “Why can’t she just tell me that?” The RA was like, “Yeah…she said it’s not a friendly environment, she’s afraid you’ll judge her and she doesn’t feel safe. She didn’t want the three of us to meet because she’s afraid of you.” Then, the RA said we’d meet again, the three of us, with her graduate supervisor to talk about this. I was pretty upset. I called my friends, crying. I never did anything threatening, and my roommate and I didn’t talk much, so I was disturbed that she said that about me. Eventually, after Thanksgiving break, the Ra, my roommate and I met to make a new roommate agreement. I’ll admit, I seemed mad throughout the whole thing. In the end, I was like, “This has been bothering me, and I have a right to be upset. Why did you say I made you feel unsafe???” My roommate stared at me dead in the eyes and said, “Because you glare at me, stomp on the floor, and slam the door. Wouldn’t you feel scared?” And I said, “I don’t believe you’re scared of me.” She was like," That’s because I told my parents about this, and they told me not to act scared so I don’t give you power." She also said, "Also, “sanitary napkins should only be changed in the bathroom because body fluids attract pests/ bugs, spread disease and that also makes me feel unsafe.” (Also, I changed my pads in the bathroom when my flow was heavy, but when it was light and barely anything was on my pad, I would do it under my desk because it was easier to change my clothes and do it all at once. I also wrap my pads in tissue when I throw them away. The trashcan is in our room, not the bathroom…so now it makes me wonder if she doesn’t want them thrown in our trashcan either. If she’s accusing me of causing bed bugs, it sounds like keeping them in the trash would be an issue for her. Also, we have bunk beds with desks/drawers underneath. Our area is situated so we can’t see each other.) Then she gave me a snooty look. The whole thing was upsetting and embarrassing. She NEVER told me any of this until the RA meeting. After I signed the new agreement, I burst into tears and left. I spent the night at a friend’s house. Honestly, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and I know I have slammed the doors a few times and looked grumpy when I was upset, mainly because of multiple stressful things happening in my life. However, I was never mean to my roommate or lashed out on her, and I didn’t slam doors every day. I talked to my friends and they think she just isn’t mature enough to handle confrontation, which is why she never politely told me to keep my lights off or whatever. I also have a hard time believing she is afraid of me because she sometimes would say passive aggressive things to me in the room. When we bagged our stuff for the bed bugs (BEFORE the RA meeting), she was like, “Are we getting reimbursed for this?” I didn’t know and she was like, “You don’t know, do you?” in a condescending tone. Also, at the beginning of the year, I practiced monologues in front of her for an audition and after the audition, she was like, “How did it go?” I said, “I was so worried.” She was like, “I mean, you’re not an A-class actor, but for what you’re trying to do, you did pretty good.” Also, before the audition, she asked me what I was wearing and I said “one of my dresses”. She looked at my clothes and then offered me one of her dresses…Maybe I’m looking into those comments too much, but it seemed a bit backhanded to me? Also, I don’t think it’s fair for her to blame me for the unfriendly environment because there were many times we walked past each other in the hallway, and she wouldn’t acknowledge me. This was earlier in the year. One time I waved at her in the lobby and she turned away. I just always got the vibe that she thinks she knows more than me or better than me. FYI, I am known by people for being quiet/shy and I’m very petite. 4’11. She is probably 5’7. Idk. What do you guys think?
I’d also like to add, my roommate doesn’t have a job and her parents come almost every weekend to bring her cookies, candy, pop, tissues, etc. I kinda think she’s spoiled…
So do you think you want to stay with this roommate for the rest of the school year? Maybe now is the time to see if there are any other options in your dorm.
I tried, but they couldn’t switch me…I might try again, but I don’t know if this is worth switching over. She’s not scary, but I’m still upset about this.
Honestly, I would change my napkins in the bathroom every time, no matter how heavy or light the flow and would not keep them in the can in the bedroom, especially since it seems to bother this girl. It does smell, by the way. It doesn’t cause bedbugs, however, and that’s a load of hokum.
If it’s legal in your state, I would consider keeping a recorder (audio) on in the room to capture what is going on. I wouldn’t use a video camera because that could capture her changing, etc. which would cause its own set of problems. If she claims you are threatening her, audio would show what is really happening.
I would also think about whether or not you might have been slamming things during the period of time when you were upset with the boyfriend. If you were, apologize for that behavior and tell her you won’t do it again.
The roommate never said that the OP threatened her, just that she was scared of her because of the slamming doors, glares, etc. I think recording her is a terrible idea. The roommate is a freshman and this is her first time in a dorm, so I can see why she might feel intimidated.
OP, honestly it sounds like you should dial it back. You sound angry and defensive. While she probably should have talked to you first, she had every right to speak to the RA. And I agree that you should dispose of sanitary napkins in the bathroom, not your dorm room.
Do NOT record her in your room. I know you didn’t say you’d do this, but someone here suggested it, and I suggest you do not do this. It would make things worse, if she found out about it.
Should your roommate have come to you first? Perhaps. Might your roommate be a bit spoiled? Perhaps. Was she being rude early in the term, or being shy, or being overly frank? Perhaps. But those aren’t the issues you’re dealing with right now. Right now, you need to figure out how to get through this upcoming term. So it’s time to stop looking back, and to start planning for the future.
I know you’re not trying to be intimidating. The thing is, she sees your behavior as angry and intimidating, even if that’s not what you intended it to be. To be able to live with her, to get through the term, it’s a good idea to at least understand that she sees things this way, even if you don’t understand why; and to consider what you may be able to do to make your living situation a bit better for the both of you.
An easy first step is to stop changing your pads outside the bathroom. I can see why someone might see that as gross, even if you do not. Keep bathroom things in the bathroom. If there is no trash can in your bathroom, an idea is to purchase one (they can be cheap - less than $4 here), and to dispose of toiletry related products there.
Based on the behavior you describe, I can understand why a roommate might find you intimidating. The good thing is that it sounds like there are specific things you can do to try to come across less angry - don’t slam doors, don’t stomp the floor, don’t glare at people who aren’t the ones who have made you angry. Trying to not do things like this would be a good second step.
Your changing your behavior does not mean that your roommate doesn’t have things to do/fix on her end as well, or that she’s blameless in all this. It does make it more likely that you’ll be listened to, if you continue to have issues with your roommate.
It’s understandable that you’re upset after all this, but please know that it’s not the case that doing things like slamming doors, glaring at people, and stomping the floor are okay to do in front of other people. If you are having difficulty dealing with your anger or the difficult situations in your life, consider talking to a mental health counselor in student health services. After all this, a counselor could also help you deal with this roommate situation, as well as your difficulties with your aunt, and if you’re interested, may be able to help you find ways to deal with anger/being upset in different ways that work better for you and those around you.
Its hard to live with a new person.
Since she is a freshman and new to college, she may be intimidated by you, a Junior! Now you might think that is ridiculous, but those could be her feelings. Also, keep in mind that YOU might know you were slamming the door because you were mad at your math grade or something, but how would she know that?
Yes it would have been better that she talk to you directly (and she may have thought she did), but talking to an RA is how one is supposed to handle this.
As always, I try to think what is reasonable:
- Changing pads in the bathroom? Yea, that is a good idea.
- Taking out garbage. What % of the time have you done it? Maybe you ignore it and it magically gets changed. Maybe you do it half the time. Maybe she is not used to doing it at all. Who knows?
- Laundry basket in the way…is this petty? or are you putting something where she needs to walk? or did she never mention this?
- Lights: once again, what is reasonable. To 12am? reasonableish. All night? not reasonable. Also reasonable for her to get eyemask if she wants to go to sleep at 9pm.
Right now I would adhere to the roommate agreement.
Also when you feel calmer then talk to her and say “hey, I didn’t know these things were an issue. If you can, just tell me if I could keep my basket in the corner that would be great since it wouldn’t block your way.”
One thing you should stop talking about to her/RA is that she doesn’t work or her parents bring her stuff. That is not your concern.
I never talked to her or the RA about her not working or her parents bringing her stuff, and I’ve actually made sure I was quiet about the doors and changing in a different place. I also keep my facial expressions neutral now. I sent her a text saying I was sorry for making her uncomfortable, but I also sent her my perspective. I didn’t get any response. Tbh, A couple weeks after the RA meeting, I felt really tense in the room, and that I had to be extra careful about even making the slightest sound. I go back tomorrow and I’m nervous.
She never talked to me about any of these problems until the RA meeting.
Sent the text a few weeks ago.
She helped you by listening to your monologue and letting you wear her clothes for your audition,. Yes, changing your pad anywhere but a bathroom is gross. Yes, grumpy door slamming people are hard to live with. Don’t be jealous of what her family does for her.(BTW - When I spoil my kid, I tend to spoil all the kids who happen to be there. – Yasss, free meals out and snack boxes for all!)
Deal with your other relationship issues and I think you might find that your roommate would be a good person to have on your side. She shared, she helped, she takes out the trash. Look at her differently and try to make positive moves.
Apologize for the bad vibe you gave off while you were dealing with the guy and your aunt. Tell her you appreciate that the two of you could have a nice peaceful room environment and want to work toward that.