So I transfered schools this semester and I got put in a dorm room (2 people 1 room but we have a bathroom) with a girl who already attended the school. When I got there there was a note on my desk saying essentially not to take down the posters she had up (above my bed and desk) and her stuff was everywhere to there was not really a lot of room for me. Theres only 2 outlets and we each got one (fine by me) we each got a closet (I got the bigger one because its on my “side” of the room) but other than that I don’t have a lot of space in the room. She had already decorated our bathroom when I got here which is fine I don’t mind too much. But she brought a lot of additional furniture and “clutter” into the room if you understand what I mean. She just brought so much stuff. Rugs, shelving units, a bench at the end of her bed etc. etc. My friend likes to say she has 3/4 of the room but I just don’t know what to even say about it. My layout works fine in my corner that I have I keep it clean and minimal as I like it. Theres just some issues that I don’t know how to bring up.
Like I said she brought a LOT of stuff to school. She has shelving units with 12 shelves and I don't get any of them even though they are really in "communal" space within the room. I eventually got 1 shelf but I could really use a few more for my food/groceries.
This is the big one and I don't know what to do about it:She never leaves the room.
I mean barely goes to class. She eats all her meals in the room and insists she cooks although I’ve never seen it. I wake up she’s still sleeping and I leave. I come back after maybe 7 hours of class and she is just at her desk watching tv on her computer or in her bed watching tv on her computer. She usually is chatting with people too which I will get to in a minute. But she is ALWAYS here. It’s frustrating because I’m pretty introverted and after a long day I just want to be alone. I don’t know how to say “can you leave I want to be alone” because if somebody said that to me I might be offended because the room belongs to both of us.
But the issue is more that even when she is here she is pretty loud. When she watches stuff on her computer she constantly laughs out loud and it is somewhat irritating. But what i have started doing is after being gone from 8am to 8pm I come in and just turn on my TV and ignore her presence. I know she is there all day because I do come in and out of the room (I usually hang out in other peoples rooms or in the common room so I know she’s still there every time I go to get something). But i just turn off the TV and ignore her existence. But she always says its too loud and ask me to turn it down. At that point I really just want to say something like 'you’ve been here all day and I haven’t had any time in here so could you leave if the sound bothers you." but I feel so mean. She is really a very nice person it is just she is somewhat naive about the fact that she is always here and maybe that is inconsiderate to me. I never have alone time. I don’t need it for a guy I’m single but sometimes i just want to sit in my room by myself. Even when I watch TV she will sit behind me and comment like “omg did he die? why did he die?” or “who is that actor I love him.”
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know her class schedule or else I would plan to be here when she is gone. Mine is on my wall so she knows it but how do I say “I need alone time sometimes can you leave.” Should I just start throwing socks on the door even if I’m just watching TV?
Somebody help. I want to be an RA so I can’t move because if I move they will likely see that as I can’t handle my roommate how can I handle 150 residents. Any help would be appreciated. When I moved in they didn’t have us fill out a contract of anything so we didn’t go over any rules we wanted to implement. We just kind of brought stuff up as it happened (like when she got back from break I made her take the posters down from my side because I told her I didn’t like them and didn’t want them on my side of the room).
I think it is smart for you to be gone all day since she’s distracting in the room. You’ll be more productive elsewhere. As for after 8 pm, can you do your decompressing with headphones in, on the computer? Either in the room or in a study room or lounge somewhere. That will solve her noise complaint and enable you to tune her out.
I never used my TV when I had roommates because it’s just so obnoxious if you don’t want it on. YouTube all the way.
I often will just watch tv on my computer with headphones since headphones mean I dont have to talk to her. but the issue is with our building there is just 1 big common room and a lot of people go down there so it can get pretty loud. The library is 20 minutes away
Being an RA is independent of whether you decide to transfer rooms. Everyone can have good or bad experiences and that has nothing to do with your ability to be an RA.
Things like that do happen and there are people who have the habits just like your room mate. My advice there is to talk to her directly and say how you feel and simply compromise with her. Maybe, she’s not aware that you are affected negatively by her habits.
I think that you are focused on the wrong things. Your roommate has paid for 1/2 of the room and has the right to stay there 24 hours a day / seven days a week. Who cares if she goes to class or any of the other matters that you talked about. She is not necessarily your friend, she is a your roommate. You need to treat her with the proper respect.
First item or respect is to buy some headphones. Watch TV with you headphones so that you don’t disturb her. That is simple curtsy.
Now the other side of respecting your roommate is to ensure that she respects you. You should have roughly 1/2 the room and shelves etc. You need to sit down with her and tell her what you need in the room. Don’t be overly emotional or confrontational. If she agrees, great! If not, you will need to get the RA in the mix as it’s tough for 2 people to resolve certain disputes.
D had some similar issues. She expressed to her roommate they needed a more equitable sharing of space and they would need to come up with a plan.
She also hung a tapestry from the ceiling creating some private space in her bed. Just a long strip of fabric about 3 feet wide that she hung towards the head side of her bed and could tie back if she wanted. Her issue was the roomie wanted the lights on until early morning hours. D slept with foam earbuds and an eye mask.
I agree there isn’t much you can do about the alone time issue. Surely she leaves sometimes. Why haven’t you asked her about her classes? Just say “hey what’s your schedule?” I would actually just say “I want to take a nap one afternoon a week. When are you at a class, I will do it then.” Something along those lines. Then find a super isolated corner of the library or some place people never go for the times your room is occupied. I remember doing that, because I had a couple of 8 hour days and needed somewhere to have a nap (I commuted.) Kept me sane.
You also just need to be forthright about the shelves. “I know you own these, but I need more shelf space. I will put up my own shelves if you like, but it’s not fair that you have all the wall space.”
D (also an introvert) has similar issues with noise/always seeming to be in the room (1 roommate) and getting less than her fair share of storage space (2 roommates). Number one: YOU (you/your parents/scholarships/loans) ARE PAYING THE SAME AMOUNT FOR THAT ROOM AS SHE IS. Sorry I’m all-capping, but I see this over and over again (even with my own D). Why are kids so hesitant to exert their rights regarding shared living space? Confrontation can be unpleasant and scary, but it is necessary sometimes. You will be treated only as you allow others to treat you. If you approach it calmly and respectfully, you will either 1) get what you are due, or 2) make the other person look like the unreasonable one, which will not help their case when you have to escalate it.
Alone time in the room: good luck. People who seemingly camp in the room all day have no concept of why YOU might want to spend some time there as well, ALONE, like they have. It’s probably not practical to divide the time in the room down the middle between you two. You could ask her to post up her schedule so you may have a chance of having a little bit of time in there to yourself. As easy as, “Hey, could you put your class schedule up on the wall so I know when you’ll be here and when you’ll be out?” I would also suggest finding other places on campus to get that quiet time that an introvert such as yourself needs to recharge. D has gotten very familiar with the many, many libraries on campus, along with the botanical garden and other quiet hideaways. Earplugs also help. How about earphones for your TV? Makes the butting in harder.
Storage/wall space: you pay for half of that room. That means you get half the wall space and storage space. As @FlaParent advises, sit down calmly and respectfully and tell your roommate what you deserve based on that math. Tell her you are putting up stuff on that wall - she can either take her stuff down or you will. And yes, do get the RA involved if you meet major resistance.
As I advise D, don’t be a doormat. People usually assume it’s all OK if they don’t hear otherwise; in the meantime, you seethe. Look at it this way: if you bought a slice of pizza for $5.00, and the next person in line handed over $5.00 and got TWO slices, wouldn’t you be mad? Why do they get the double the pizza? Your living situation is wayyyy more important than pizza.
The issue with the room itself is that the shape is really odd. it is a big room with a big bay window, two outlets which are both on the same wall and the opposite wall has the door to the bathroom. Right now she has the whole area from the window to about 2/3 to the door (opposite the windows) and the whole wall that has the bathroom door on it. I hope that helps you visualize. It would be a lot easier if they had had us made a roommate agreement but because I moved in late they never had us fill one out
@Undercrackers Thanks for your input. Read my previous comment about the room shape. It isn’t just a box dorm so you can’t tape it down the middle and call it fair. It makes dividing it really hard. And since she was already here it makes it harder because she has all of her (as I call it, junk) everywhere and if I ask her to move it she has nowhere else to put it unless she throws it away. I had a really horrible roommate situation at my old school where she was disrespectful to me and our other roommate and when we asked her to change things she would get made. I eventually just moved out of that room, but it got to the point where her friend was threatening to fight me behind my back (for no reason)
Also, to everybody, if/once I bring up the “I need more space” argument, she has said before that I have a bigger closet (true, but not my much) so how do I fight that argument. It was the one assigned to me when I got here. It is more of a walk in while hers is just basic but you cant “walk in” more than 2 steps
The room may be hard to divide exactly in half, but if she’s taking up at least 2/3 of the room, it isn’t even roughly divided equally. I was in a somewhat similar situation last year, but since I had a lot less stuff than my roommate did, I was fine with her getting more space as long as I had enough space for myself and my stuff.
Instead of saying that you need “more space,” you should be more specific with her about what kind of space you need (e.g. Could you move that so I can keep groceries here? Could you clear off 1-2 more of your shelves so I can put this here? I want to hang up a poster; could you take yours down? Can you move that out of the middle of the room so I don’t keep running into it?).
If she brings up the closet, there are lots of valid reasons why you wouldn’t want to keep stuff there (e.g. easier access, you don’t want your clothes to smell like food, etc.).
Honestly, this is a weird suggestion, but is there an introverted person in your dorm? Maybe you can both hang out in her room and just be silent and wind down together?
I think I’ve decided that what I want is half of the shared wall that she took over and also to just mark (even with tape if I have to) around where the end of her bed meets the head of mine (like I said… weird room) because her stuff on the floor tends to creep into my space and I want to be able to call her out or have her know she can’t “cross the line” with her stuff. I think that will keep my sanity. The next step now is to bring it up and talk about it. She has 2 big pieces of furniture on the shared wall atm and I measured so we each get half the wall and her big pieces wouldn’t fit there anymore. I know she will bring that up like “but I don’t have anywhere else to put it” and how do I say “that sucks put it in storage”
That seems like a really petty solution that will only cause more conflict. I think you should be open to compromise, especially since the room is oddly shaped. And what exactly does that fact that she’s an only child from a well-off family have to do with anything? Sounds like you resent her for other reasons too and aren’t really giving her a fair shake. It’s her room too, and she’s allowed to be there if she wants to be. Just what it sounds like to me. If you want to be an RA, it’s time to learn to let little things go.
ellie did you even read this whole thread? I’m talking about the fact that she has 2/3 of the room and i want more space but every time I say something she just says she resists
Yes, I did read the whole thread and I stand by my statement that taping “your” half of the room so you can point out when she crosses the line is a petty solution that will cause more conflict. Post #12’s solution to be specific about what space you need in the room with her instead of trying to mark territories is a good one.