So my roommate and I have gotten along well so far, I think. If there are problems other than this issue, she hasn’t told me about them. But this is becoming a bit of a problem. My roommate goes to bed quite early (between 10 and 11) every night, and likes the room to be in total darkness for an hour or two before while she uses her laptop in the dark. I often come back from the library/clubs around 9 or 10 to a pitch-black room. I need the lights on between 11 and 12 while I organize my backpack, lay out my clothes, and sometimes sort laundry. Everything else can be accomplished with just my phone flashlight. However, I don’t want to disturb her, so I’ve been putting off whatever I need to do until morning. It’s a mild inconvenience to me. I’m not sure how to confront my roommate, or if the situation warrants any confrontation. I guess my question is, do I have a real case to make for allowing the lights to be on while my roommate is sleeping/trying to fall asleep? Or should I continue to pander to her schedule?
Maybe you should get a lamp with a shade for your desk or your bed. You have the right to study after 11. You can do other things before 11.
If she is just on her laptop, I’d try saying, “Hey, I’m going to switch on my lamp for 15 minutes or so while I get stuff ready for tomorrow.” You should have a lamp so you don’t have to turn on the overhead. I’d try to do whatever you have to by 11. She has a right to have lights out for sleeping, and 11 seems reasonable to me. If you want to study after that, go out to a common area.
Those are good suggestions. Thanks @intparent @coolweather. I will try to keep the room dark/still after 11 but will ask if I need to turn on a lamp to do stuff before 11.
The things you’re doing between 11 and 12 could as easily be done much, much earlier-- say, before dinner. It would be easy enough for you to accommodate her.
^Agreed. “Quite early” is subjective. Some students choose 8 am classes or might be naturally early risers and lights out by 11 is reasonable. Its a give and take, hopefully she doesn’t light up the room at 6 am while you are sleeping. Sounds like you are getting along fine which isn’t the case with all roommates, try to not make this an issue, those things you are doing could easily be done at another time if you chose to do so.
So what time does your roommate turn out the overhead lights? Not her sleep time, but her lay in bed with laptop time. I think there are two different issues here. Yes, you want to accommodate her sleep time if possible (and assuming she is also kind to you if she gets up earlier than you do in the mornings.)
But if you take a 10 pm sleep time, and count backwards one to two hours, you could be talking 8 pm lights out every night? Please help us understand the timing here.
I am all for packing up for the next day ahead of time, but at 8 pm you may be in full study mode and not ready to get your backpack loaded up yet. You could lay out clothes right after dinner, but I think having some small light (headlamp?) to use for sorting laundry or getting around your room while your roommate looks at her laptop in bed is reasonable.
This is a reasonable subject for calm discussion with your roommate. It is not 100% your job to change everything to meet her needs. It is a working together to find common ground kind of thing. Compromise that comes from a healthy discussion.
Learning to live with another person can be a valuable life lesson. Speaking up about your own needs is another valuable life lesson. Sounds like you two are getting along okay, but maybe better communication could make things run more smoothly.
If you need help, ask your RA for some advice. They are more experienced with these situations. Not “RA, come fix this” but “RA, what are some words to use as I try to speak up about my needs for some light on in the room in the evenings.”
Agree with the above. Trying to accommodate your roommates sleep time is one thing, having lights out two hours before her bedtime is not reasonable. Compromises can include your using smaller lamps when she is sleeping rather than an overhead light, your roommate using a sleep mask etc. Talk to your roommate and if needed get the RA involved until you can come to an agreement you can both live with.
And hopefully you have another roommate lined up for next year whose sleep hours are a better match for yours.
How to solve roommate problems:
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Think about the reasonableness of your request. Being able to use the light after 9:00pm is reasonable.
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Take steps to ameliorate the situation yourself. You use your phone light, but that is not practical. You could get your stuff together earlier in the evening.
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Discuss issue with Roommate. Not yet…I would say to them: "I notice you keep the light turned after 9:00…i just wanted to let you know that I am going to need to turn it on when I get home in the evening so I can get my stuff ready for the next day.
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See if roommate is compromising…
5)Think about what you want to the end result to be…that works for both of you. For example: Overhead Lights out at 11:00. -
Go to RA. State the issue, state that you have talked to roommate (because they will ask), state that you have tried other steps () and ask for help in resolving the situation. “RA, I would like to get your advice on figuring out a resolution to an issue I am having with my roommate. .”
Most likely they will come up with a roommate contract for you both to sign.
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Follow the contract…and if your roommate doesn’t, then go back to the RA. If your roommate retaliates, go back to the RA.
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If RA doesn’t follow through or is useless, see if there is a different RA in your building. If not, go to the Housing office. Explain you have gone through the “chain of command”…that is, you talked to your roommate and then the RA but the issue still exists and it is preventing you seeing in your room.
If you return between 9-10pm to a dark room, use a lamp and get your things together first, then do what else you need to do.
11pm is not an unreasonable bedtime, but it seems she is not necessarily going to bed, just relaxing with her laptop. If need to study much past that time and her laptop is put away, it would be good to move to a study room or use just a book light if you can do it would out the light being in her face.
The thing is, you share the room equally. Her need (or “right”) to go to bed early doesn’t trump your need to get your things together when you want to. So I agree - talk with your roommate and come to a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe the solution is that she gets to turn the overhead light off 30 minutes before her bed time - if it’s normally 10:30, then she gets to turn the overhead light off at 10 pm, and you agree that you will organize your backpack and sot your clothes and sort laundry before that time. If you need to do any of those things after 10 pm for some reason you will turn on a desk lamp or something.
Having the room in darkness for two hours before she goes to sleep is unreasonable, IMO.
You’ve got to learn to live with other people…but so does she.
Also, as a side note, RAs do not draw up roommate contracts for roommates. An RA may help two roommates come up with their OWN roommate contract, perhaps serving as mediator or counselor, maybe even providing a template. But coming up with the terms of a roommate contract is your responsibility as roommates.
Thanks for the tips, everyone. I think I’ll ask to turn on my lamp for 15 minutes around 10:00 when I get back from the library and while I lay out my stuff and put away clothes.