Roommate Wants To Move Out

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello Again Parents - </p>

<p>I'm sure some of you remember my post about my roommate's boyfriend hoarding in on my living situation to a rather irritating degree. ( <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=104568&highlight=roommates+boyfriend%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=104568&highlight=roommates+boyfriend&lt;/a> ) Well - here is an update on the whole situation.</p>

<p>This past weekend I went home to visit my family. Before leaving campus I found that my roommate had left me a letter, in which she explained her desire to break her contract and leave the dormitory we currently live in together. Apparently, for the past month she has been looking into switching residences, and it looks like she will be able to take the place of a graduating student at an on-campus apartment complex. She went on to explain that this move had nothing to do with me, and that if possible, she would love if I could talk to the housing office and arrange to move into her apartment set-up. Of course, since the transition would be mid year, it is very hard to get a place in that specific apartment complex, especially at this point in the game. Also, I would be forced to break my contract as well(which involves a service charge), something that isn't impossible financially, but is just a bit of a stretch. </p>

<p>So it looks as though I will be assigned a new roommate next semester, or I will slip between the cracks and get to keep this room as a single (which is unlikely, but occasionally occurs). The thing is, I guess I'm just really shocked that she is moving out and had kept this from me for so long. She says that her leaving this dorm is due to a combination of several things: the coed bathrooms (lack of privacy), the distance from her classes, and the fact that she feels like she hasn't connected with the people on our floor. </p>

<p>I do want her to be the happiest she can be, and I totally support the move if she feels that it will improve her experience. However, I am in dire need to explain a few things to her. If you remember my last post, you know that at the beginning of the semester, she had her boyfriend here constantly - staying over until very late or spending the night several times a week. I took the advice you all gave me and realized that I needed to stand up for what I needed in terms of privacy. For some unknown reason, she suddenly stopped bringing him here very often, so I never had to discuss the situation with her - save one time when she asked if he could spend the night and I said that I preferred if he didn't that night (it was Thursday, I had class in the morning, with no desire to bathe and change with him in the room). It didn't really matter anyway because she had been spending 5-6 nights a week at his place, only coming back to the dorm to bring a new batch of clothes over. Although it got kind of lonely during the week sometimes, I let her do her thing, because it was and still is totally her business and choice. </p>

<p>Okay, so the point of my tedious post. I am wondering if you guys think it would be pointless to express my feelings to her - even though she is leaving next semester. I just feel beat down. Everything outside of my dorm life is absolutely wonderful - I enjoy my classes, have joined some really cool clubs, and met many incredible people. I have a budding social life outside of the dorm, but come back here and feel less than content. Even though my dorm building is pretty and peaceful, and would probably be a dream if I didn't associate it with the situation at hand, I feel a little negative towards it. My roommate was very reluctant to socialize with the people on our floor since the very start, and her boyfriend was always here telling us how lame they seemed, so I kind of missed out on getting to know them. If given another roommate next semester, I fear that I will look like a snob for not hanging out with our floormates every evening, like most of them sometimes tend to do. I want to introduce my new roommate to people and make her feel at home, but I'm afraid I'll just be a bad candidate to do so.</p>

<p>I don't want you guys to think that I don't have a mind of my own - I really am a strong, opinionated person, but feel like for some reason, I was at the mercy of the manipulation (roomie and boyfriend). He broke my floor lamp and never bothered to apologize or offer to purchase another. His response was "Well, this lamp is cheaply made - get another one at Target; no big deal". While the money is not a problem what so ever, I just feel like he has been a real downer. He has even gone so far as to lie about the guy I'm seeing (who is his friend) to create some sort of drama between said guy and myself. I really don't understand it. All in all, I just feel like she believes she is the only one who had a less-than-perfect time at the dorm. I wasn't really happy about the situation either - we spent no time together, arguments between her and her boyfriend effected my in-room environment, and her boyfriend made coming back to the dorm a chore. I just feel like she was never here for me to express any of this to her. Every time something would occur and I would wait to talk to her about it, she would split to his apartment for the week. I don't know..I feel so irrational.</p>

<p>So - should I say any of this to her before she leaves? Or would it be better to just wish her luck and move on from the situation - in hopes that my new roommate will bring better experiences?</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

2

<p>Better to wish her luck and move on. Lots of roommate situations don't work out - such is life. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends. (In fact, you might find that you are actually better friends.) Don't burn bridges behind you!</p>

<p>Do kids still put up signs looking for a new roommate? (That's what we used to do back in the dark ages.) That gives you a chance to sort of interview people. You may find someone on campus who is in the same boat as you. </p>

<p>Good luck finding a new roommate! You'll do fine.</p>

3

<p>"wish her luck and move on from the situation - in hopes that my new roommate will bring better experiences". You answered your own question here. In my opinion, this would be the way to go. Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Yeah, I suppose you're right. I guess I am just the kind of person who needs to express herself, or I will feel like she never knew the position she put me in. Oh well, sometimes you have to swallow your pride, right?</p>

<p>About the signs - I've seen some for the apartments and such but have yet to see them in the dorms. I will post around some of the Berkeley communities to see if anyone wants to switch their dorm. I would love to get to know someone before they move in, but perhaps I'll have good luck with someone they place here. I'm open!</p>

<p>I do hope my roommate and I can be better friends once she moves out. Personally, I just can't stand her boyfriend's attitude here and will remain firm in my beliefs until the end of the semester. Other than that, I will help her pack her things and be supportive - I really am as kind and I am whiny!</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

5

<p>I think you've done really, really well in a stressful situation. If you really need to say these things to her, write her a letter---and then throw it away. You'll have gotten it out of your system without causing any unneeded and unwanted drama. As far as fitting in on your floor--try again. Sometimes just go sit in the lounge and say hi to people, especially if there are just one or two people in there . Start over. It will be especially easy to do at the start of the new semester when you can always go in and ask others how their vacations were. Or just drop in to a nearby room and ask to borrow a random item, just to start a conversation--and people will realize how nice you really are. A lot of people might just write off your rocky start to shyness at the beginning.</p>

6

<p>Izzie:</p>

<p>Before you say anything to her, decide WHY you want to talk to her. Do you want "sympathy & understanding" or a solution to a proble-her to change the behavior? What do you want to get out of the conversation???</p>

<p>If you simply want her to understand how she treated you and how you feel, I would say, "don't bother." Why? Because, from what you have said, she likely will not really understand or care, she will be more concerned about her own feelings.</p>

<p>So, feel pleased that your listeners here understand and feel relieved that she is moving on with no hassle and that the boyfriend is not hanging out. Look forward to your new circumstances, and don't waste energy on anything about her, just be gald she'll be gone. </p>

<p>I have had these types of conversations many many many times with my D who is a senior in college. She is finally realising that it is a waste of HER time & energy to pursue causing some one to realise what is right and fair.</p>

<p>Maybe you will stay friendly and someday, when she is more mature, you can discuss it, but for now, what's the real point?</p>

<p>Whomever wrote the item about the letter, that's perfect, as when these thoughts are circling your mind, it is tough to move on, if you can put it all down in a letter to her- DON'T send it, but write it, you may feel much better
;)</p>

7

<p>Thanks you everyone. I know it is probably better to just leave the situation as is and just look forward to a new roommate and a better dorm experience. I guess my reasoning for wanting to tell her how I feel is so she understands that it's not exactly fair to put a fellow roommate in the sort of situation that she put me in. I guess I just want her to come away from this experience knowing that I really do value her friendship, but that she should keep in mind that a new roommate might voice their opinion more often and harsher than I ever did. I want her to understand that the behavior displayed this semester isn't ideal when sharing a living space with another student. </p>

<p>Then again, this isn't really a rational explanation as to why she needs to know my feelings. I believe that she SHOULD understand how her actions effect others, but perhaps she needs to find this out on her own. I think you're all right in saying that an unsent letter might help to get these feelings out without causing unwanted drama. I will most likely keep my mouth shut about these emotions, but will make sure to voice my opinion if an uncomfortable situation should arise during the rest of her stay in our room. I don't want my voice to be muffled as it has been throughout the semester, but will not bring up the past for my own sake.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

8

<p>" The thing is, I guess I'm just really shocked that she is moving out and had kept this from me for so long. She says that her leaving this dorm is due to a combination of several things: the coed bathrooms (lack of privacy), the distance from her classes, and the fact that she feels like she hasn't connected with the people on our floor. "</p>

<p>No surprise to me. She wants to basically live with her boyfriend. That's why she's moving out regardless of what she says.</p>

<p>Wish her well as she moves, and then move on with your life -- and hopefully you'll get assigned a more compatible roomie. No reason for you to discuss your feelings with her. It sounds like you may be blaming yourself for her move. You're not at fault. What she wants -- her boyfriend around all of the time -- is not something that's reasonable in a double.</p>

9

<p>Northstar - you're right. I know that despite what she says, she sees her boyfriend having his own apartment (own bedroom) and wants the same so they can be alone together at either residences. I know that I shouldn't blame myself, but in some ways, I feel like a failed as a roommate. In my opinion, her relationship is a bit obsessive, but I thought I might be able to be a cool enough roommate so she would want to stay. I guess I'm just selfishly upset. She asked me to be her roommate at a place she chose, and I happily agreed. Had I known that the semester would be like this, I would have politely declined the offer and opted to live with someone who could have been a more compatible roommate. Oh well - can't tell the future, right? ...Sigh</p>

<p>Suppose I just need to let this one go.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

10

<p>Izzie:</p>

<p>This is why CC is so great. It's a place to get advice but also to vent.<br>
There is no sense antagonizing your roommate by pointing out her and her boyfriend's thoughtlessness.<br>
Let us hope that you get another more considerate roommate. I had one bad experience with a roommate. But my next one was lovely. Good luck!</p>

11

<p>oh, I don't want to antagoize here. I guess I just wanted to tell her how I feel. But I now see that there is probably no point in doing so.</p>

<p>Thanks for the kind words - I hope I have better luck next time too.</p>

<p><3,</p>

<p>Izzie Bear</p>

12

<p>" feel like a failed as a roommate. In my opinion, her relationship is a bit obsessive, but I thought I might be able to be a cool enough roommate so she would want to stay. "</p>

<p>You sound like a caring person and I empathize with your viewpoint. still, you are not responsible for her choices. It sure would be great if we could keep our friends out of trouble, but unfortunately, we don't have that power.</p>

<p>Let her go with caring and grace and let her know that you hope that even though she's moving out, she'll still stay in touch because you care about her as a friend.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, take care of yourself by telling people that you'll shortly need a new roommate. Doing this may help you connect with someone more compatible instead of having to see who's randomly assigned to you.</p>

13

<p>IzzieBear, you're a good person for wanting the best for your roomate, and I can understand how you want to express yourself rather than keep feelings bottled inside. However I think you can view this as a way to learn a few lessons for yourself, lessons you seem ready to learn. As for your roomate, we can't really fix the world for other people or help them unless they're ready to be helped. Its unfortunate, but true. For a few more examples of this in a different vein look at the other posts in the parents forum by distressed parents who's kids are showing no interest in picking a college; you can force the kids to do something, but there's no way to put the motivation and eagerness for the next step into their heart that you'd hope they have.</p>

<p>So here's the lessons you might want to think about
[quote]
I guess my reasoning for wanting to tell her how I feel is so she understands that it's not exactly fair to put a fellow roommate in the sort of situation that she put me in.

[/quote]
I'd go easy on trying to put global labels on people and their actions. But specific actions are definitely worth discussing AT THE TIME. For example a person mad at their spouse for not putting dishes in the dishwasher shouldn't say "you're lazy and inconsiderate!" but rather focus on the specific behavior. This is commonly taught as a way of resolving interpersonal problems. See, for example, <a href="http://tinyurl.com/chtjs%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://tinyurl.com/chtjs&lt;/a> </p>

<p>
[quote]
He broke my floor lamp and never bothered to apologize or offer to purchase another. His response was "Well, this lamp is cheaply made - get another one at Target; no big deal".

[/quote]
This guy sounds like a classic manipulator, but you don't have to let him control you. Just being able to name what's happening takes away a lot of its power. If the breakage happened a long time ago I'd let it go, but if its within the past week or two then you can stand up for yourself. Tell him you don't care if its the most cheaply made lamp in the world; he knocked it over, he broke it, he owes you $20 or whatever to replace it.</p>

<p>
[quote]
My roommate was very reluctant to socialize with the people on our floor since the very start, and her boyfriend was always here telling us how lame they seemed, so I kind of missed out on getting to know them. If given another roommate next semester, I fear that I will look like a snob for not hanging out with our floormates every evening

[/quote]
Not at all! You sound like a friendly and upbeat person who'd have no trouble getting along with your fellow floormates. Its easier at the start of the year, but its by no means impossible now! Start by spending more time with them; at nites, at meals, etc. And you can also get involved in organizing activities. Maybe get everyone together to take BART to go see the xmas lights in SF, etc. Maybe organize a dinner where the floor goes out together to someplace before the holiday break. Talk to your RA and see if there are dorm-related activities you could help organize for your floor. When I was in the dorms (back in the dark ages, uphill both ways and all that) dorms had floor fundraisers delivering notes; for example near xmas a floor would sell paper cutouts shaped like a tree where you could write a note and the dorm room number of the recipient; we'd tape a candy-cane on it and them to the person's door around 6am one morning. If you could organize this it would give you lots of chances to get to know floormates better (cutting out the shapes, selling them, etc), and you'd have some money for a dorm party when you come back after break.</p>

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<p>Sounds like the roommate has brought on more negatives to your college experience than positives. I'd be happy she's pulling out now so that you can get on with your college life and bond with the people around you. I would start branching out more with you floormates while she's still around and not wait until next semester when it may be a little harder. It's still plenty early. By socializing with the others on your floor, you just may find someone who is unhappy with their roommate or knows someone who is and make connections that way and get to know some prospective roomate possibilities before the end of the semester. I bet once you get rid of the current roommate, your will enjoy your college life much more. Good luck.</p>