Roommate Woes--what should I say?

Parents Forum
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<p>I'm looking for sage advice from you wonderful parents. My daughter is having roommate troubles and asking for help from me.....what would YOU say/do?</p>

<p>Here's her side of the story (notice I say HER side. I know that there are always 2 sides):</p>

<p>D is a pretty solitary cookie. She is not a partier/drinker/social butterfly. When she's done with class, she is pretty happy to go back to her room and just hang on the computer and such. That may not be ideal, but it is her and I feel like as long as she is happy and content, it's OK (she says she is).</p>

<p>Roommate is much more social and has lots of folks in and out of the room. She says D is "giving off a negative vibe", that D needs to get out of the room more and go to parties, enjoy the college experience.</p>

<p>Roommate has a new "boytoy" as she calls him and has, on at least one occasion asked D to vacate the room so they can have "private time". D obliged and was basically out in the hall for about 5 hours because roommate never texted her to let her know the coast was clear (roommate says she did text but D says she never got it).</p>

<p>Last weekend, D's BF came up to visit and, even though (according to D) she had cleared it with roommate to have some alone time in the room, roommate now says she's not OK with having done it, that D should be more accomodating, etc and that D is manipulative (not sure what that is exactly referring to_</p>

<p>Roommate went to the RA to complain about D and they are set to meet with the RA, I think tomorrow. It bothers D that Roommate didn't tell her that she was going to the RA and now she's afraid she's going to be painted at the villain.</p>

<p>I told D that I think it's a good thing to go to the RA, that changing roommates isn't always the best thing even IF it's possible and that she should go to the meeting with an open mind and try to find a way to compromise--maybe she could agree to make herself scarce for an hour or two every day so the roommate has some alone time with the room. </p>

<p>Anyway, I try to stay out of this stuff, because I know it's typical drama, but my d does have depression/ADD issues that I worry about not to mention the stressors of college in general.</p>

<p>What would you all do?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance</p>

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<p>That’s funny, because I was going to recommend that she talk to the RA, if only to have someone to give advice or to act as a mediator between them. Just tell her to tell her side of the story rationally and calmly. Getting emotional tends to make people unreasonable, and you never want to be seen as the unreasonable one. Tell her to be open to what the RA and roommate suggest, but to stand up for her rights as well.</p>

<p>Reassure her that the RA is not there to pick a winner and a loser. They’re there to keep the peace and negotiate compromises between the roommates. They may have “roommate contacts/agreements” that they can have the two of them either talk about or write down that will help them iron out ways to deal with these situations in the future (agreed rules about how they will deal with guests, etc).</p>

<p>It sounds like she’s handling it, rather than avoiding it entirely, which is good. Just being there to listen to her complaints is probably all she really needs at this point.</p>

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<p>The way the roommate is treating your daughter bothers me. Maybe I’m biased because I had a roommate like that - I was only 17 and she was a controlling, somewhat mean-spirited junior - but I empathize with your daughter. Hopefully the RA can offer some guidance and things improve, but honestly there’s nothing wrong with switching roommates when personalities just aren’t compatible. Good luck to your daughter!</p>

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<p>OP, I’m glad you recognize that there are two sides to this story. I’m guessing the other side will be like this: “My roommate never leaves the room except to eat and go to class and never socializes with anyone! She’s just either studying or on the computer all day and all night. It would be nice to have my room to myself occasionally, but I never have a moment of privacy, and when I finally asked her to allow me and a male friend to have some private time, she acted like it was a gigantic imposition to be out of the room for the evening. Then, to top it all off, she had her boyfriend visit over the weekend and expected ME to make myself scarce! I’ve never met anyone so self-involved and oblivious to others’ needs.”</p>

<p>I can “see” this side because freshman year my D had a roomie who never left the room except for food and classes, had no friends on campus, and was on the computer 24/7 (in her case half of the time she was skyping with her parents). She rarely even spoke to my D. The situation totally creeped out my D, who is quite gregarious. When I visited I found the atmosphere in the room to be very uncomfortable even for a hour’s stay. It was a crummy situation for a freshman, and ultimately my D switched rooms. OP may want to gently inquire of her daughter whether she is cognizant of the effect her habits may be having on her roommate. Perhaps they can work out a schedule where OP’s daughter spends some of her down time in the student center or library. And of course they should negotiate the visitor and sexiling rules–that’s something the RA should be able to help with. </p>

<p>Good luck–I hated living with my freshman year roommate and think the requirement to share a small space with a total stranger (or two) freshman year is the worst aspect of college.</p>

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<p>My D had a somewhat similar situation last year. Her roommate, too, went to the RA, and she painted my D as the villain of the century, culminating in her insisting that my D be evicted from the room. She wasn’t able to make this happen, but only because H and I got involved - the RA and then the RCD were ready to take roommate’s story at face value. Hopefully, your D won’t be put in this position.</p>

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<p>I agree with baktrax. Just support her and encourage her to be open and seek compromise. And also keep in mind that this particular situation, although unpleasant, is only for a season. It could probably easily change next year, or even next semester.</p>

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<p>I know I’m not a parent but this situation is frighteningly identical to mine back in my freshman year. My roomie would always ask me for private time but refused to give me mine for my boyfriend after he flew across the country for me (and he only visited once!)</p>

<p>Honestly, with a roommate like that, it would be hard to approach the situation without causing awkward tension between the two of you. I had approached my roommate about the situation and she did not even care about what I had to say. I knew if I argued more, our relationship would just go south (and it wasn’t great to begin with – and to me, sounds like your d’s relationship with her roomie). Our hall rules were you (1) talk to your roommate FIRST then (2) find the RA. Unfortunately my RA didn’t really help and just told me to talk to my roommate (again) and come to an agreement. If your d’s RA is no help, and talking to her does no good, then I would just support her and remind her that this terrible roommate will make for a good “bad roommate” story in the future!</p>

<p>Are roommates per semester or for the entire year at your d’s school? I was able to request a new roommate when the semester change even though our roommates were supposed to be for the entire year. At my school, if both roommates wanted out, they would consider it.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your input. At D’s school the room assignment is supposed to be for the year, but I do think there is the option of trying to get a switch. I’m trying to encourage her to try to work it out because the grass isn’t always greener.</p>

<p>I know that this is a big adjustment on both sides and I’m really hoping that the RA can mediate a “settlement”, so to speak. </p>

<p>Honestly, I do wish my d was a bit more outgoing and that she was getting out more, but I also know that she has never been particularly social. She is a musician and between practicing, her ensemble schedule and classes she feels like she IS out of the room a lot–it’s just not enough (or at least that’s her view).</p>

<p>Again, I thank you all for your insight.</p>

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<p>My sympathies to your daughter!! It truly is a hard thing to go through as a freshman, and it does affect everything you do. </p>

<p>I had a really socially awkward/desperate/victim-seeking roommate last year, and she was one of the reasons I decided to move out of the dorms winter semester. She would be on the phone with her mother 24/7, email her mom to edit/practically write her papers, take her meals in a carry out box back to the room, and sleep for like 10 hours a day. </p>

<p>Basically, she tried to paint me off as the domineering roommate who was never there because she went home, hung out with friends, always studied late into the late, got up early and didn’t try to be quiet, and was just “threatening” to her. She also went to the RA before talking to me, and since I was angry but also afraid of the “threatening” accusation because her father was a cop and I didn’t know what he could try and finagle, I decided to just leave since I wanted to work more at home anyway. </p>

<p>In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done that. DON’T let your daughter be passive about it. If she’d rather suck it up to avoid conflict, tell her that her roommate clearly isn’t being ad courteous and that it’s time for her to worry about herself, which is all her roommate is doing. If the roommate tries to get her moved, tell her to stand her ground because she hasn’t done anything wrong! It might be awkward, but some people just like to take advantage of nice people. </p>

<p>From my experience, I wish I had stood up to my roommate and continued doing what I was doing and being who I was. Have her tell her RA just that. It’s all based on hearsay anyway, so they probably can’t FORCE your D to leave.</p>

<p>Hopefully one of them will switch soon (or next semester), and I’m wishing yall luck!</p>

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<p>I was “set-up” with a roommate freshman year. My bf had a good friend whose gf was looking for a roommate so I agreed to room w/ her. I never met her before moving into the dorm. She and I were like night and day. Our bf’s were the only thing we had in common. We both went through break-ups by end of first sem. I quickly started dating another guy. She did not. It was not good.</p>

<p>Luckily, the girls in the room next door to were lots of fun. I ended up spending most of my free time hanging out w/ those girls and had a great time. Maybe it would help if your D could try to meet some other girls on the hall to hang out with when she’s not in class/studying. I found that the less time I spent in the room with my roommate the less tension there was when we were there together.</p>

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<p>Be supportive of your daughter as the situation unfolds, but allow her to handle it. Just tell her to stand up for herself at the meeting. Let’s hope the RA sees matters from both sides. Sorry your daughter’s rooming situation is turning out like this. Hope it all works out.</p>

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<p>My daughters freshman roommate expected to get her way in all things. The RA sided with her until she made the demand that my daughter not talk in the room- not to her not on the phone not to friends etc.<br>
My daughter is very nonconfrontatonal-she tries to get along rather than argue. Her roommate tried to take advantage of that.</p>

<p>My advise would be to write down the issues and how she has tried to deal with them. She was asked to leave so roommate could be alone with a boy. She did. When she asked for the same favor roommate refused etc. Having it written down may help her advocate for herself.</p>

<p>Your daughter will hopefully find a club or group to join as time goes on but she does have the right to be in her room. She may want to look for a spot to study outside of her room at times-maybe the library.</p>

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<p>My oldest son and his roommate had some trouble sorting things out between them in the beginning. When roomie wanted to study in the room, he expected S to hang with friends in the lounge; when roomie wanted to hang with friends in the room, he expected S to go to the library.</p>

<p>S and roomie made a good compromise: they alternated weeks in which each had “priority” on the room, whether to hang or study. They also agreed guests had to be out of the room by 11 on school nights, and by 1 a.m. on weekends unless otherwise agreed.</p>

<p>The compromise took the tension out of the relationship.</p>

<p>Roomie and S became best friends, and roomie was the best man at my son’s wedding.</p>

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<p>^^^ What a lovely solution, boysx3!</p>

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<p>Boys x3. - I love it. DS had similar experience. He is a total slob and freshman college roommate was very neat. Initially there was conflict and hard feelings. They agreed to division in suite - common area vs own space. Common area kept neat and personal space as one chooses. The room looked pretty odd but it worked.
He too was just best man at his old roomies wedding.<br>
OP - hope your daughter can work it out.</p>

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<p>I was the introverted roommate sharing with a social butterfly when I was a freshman.</p>

<p>What helped me was to find other places to study and goof off around the campus. I think this would be even easier for the laptop generation than it was for me. There are usually plenty of libraries, as well as study rooms in dorms and other buildings. You can camp out in one for hours, studying or doing anything silent on your computer (and given headphones, silent can even mean watching movies; you just can’t talk, so Skype is not practical). </p>

<p>It can be easier, in my opinion, for the solitary-type person to spend time elsewhere than for the social-type person, who might find it hard to entertain friends anywhere other than the room.</p>

<p>What REALLY helped, though, was when my social butterfly roommate and a similar person who also had an introverted roommate got us all together and suggested a room switch. They wanted the two social people to share and the two introverted people to share. Although the two highly social people regarded this as “getting rid of the freaks,” in fact it worked out great for everyone. And since the four of us went to the RA as a group and presented our plan as one that was agreeable to all of us, the RA did not object (although those who changed rooms had to pay a small fee).</p>

<p>As for times when one person wants the room for themselves, I think it works best if there’s a pre-set end to that period. “I want the room from 7 to 11” works better than “I want the room from 7 until I text you.” It’s much easier for the roommate who needs to be elsewhere to make appropriate plans for how she’s going to spend her time if she knows when she’s coming back.</p>

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<p>D2 is sharing a small room in a sorority with someone right now. The RM has a long distance BF and is a slob (leaving her smelly exercise clothes on the floor). D2 had a talk with the RM about not having boys sleep over. If her BF wanted to visit, they would need to find a room because D2 said she is not going to move out. Likewise, D2 is not going to bring a guy to their room either when her RM is around. Both girls seem to be fine with the arrangement. D2 also recently asked her RM to pick up some of her clothing on the floor, and the RM took the initiative to clean the room. </p>

<p>Nice thing about a sorority house is there are a lot of different rooms for girls to hang out socially. If someone wants to stay up late to watch movies, she could go to the living room or basement. They pretty much use their room just for sleeping.</p>

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<p>My 2 cents is that the roommate is absurd for going to the RA. It sounds like someone who is certain they are always right, always deserving, and holding the belief that authority will side with them. If my conjecture is right, don’t be surprised if the roommate “makes up” facts in the meeting with the RA…its a trait of these types of people. </p>

<p>I’d find someone else to live with. Life is too short.</p>

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<p>

So you DID get involved. You never came back and updated everyone!</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1451484-get-involved-stay-out.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1451484-get-involved-stay-out.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I would say that your daughter is an introvert and the roomie is an extrovert.</p>

<p>“Roommate is much more social and has lots of folks in and out of the room. She says D is “giving off a negative vibe”, that D needs to get out of the room more and go to parties, enjoy the college experience.”</p>

<p>Extroverts don’t tend to understand introverts. </p>

<p>As far as boyfriends, they should make a roommate agreement as to what is acceptable.
Perhaps 1 hour twice a week? Two hours on weekends that the boyfriend visits? No time at all? How far in advance to you need to tell the person? I am pretty sure that what an RA would tell you to do. Try that first.</p>

<p>So daughter should suggest a roommate agreement on the issue either before the RA meeting or during the RA meeting. She will look reasonable.</p>