<p>I think it is unfortunate when there is such a mismatch. I do find it interesting to read through this thread and the experiences that ended well are with guys and the ones that didn’t end well seem to be with girls. Why is it that guys can just talk things out and girls feelings get hurt?? AND I am female saying this!!! Maybe the dads should get involved!!! Or ask a guy RA to help???</p>
<p>No more to add, but I want to compliment azcatz for recognizing not only that she’s heard only one side of the story but also for seeing her own child realistically.</p>
<p>oldfort - Is this in the sorority house? If it is, I am really surprised that there aren’t specific visiting hours for guys. DD’s sorority had a no boys allowed upstairs policy. Even DH couldn’t go up when we visited. He could only go to her room during move in and move out.</p>
<p>Rules? I am sure there are rules. I showed up one Sat morning one time to pick up D1, I saw few boys walking around in their PJs. They were kind of embarrassed to see me. One of D1’s platonic guy friends visited her one weekend, he slept in the basement.</p>
<p>Thanks again.</p>
<p>This morning there was a major blow up I guess (again, I do know I’m only hearing d’s side).</p>
<p>RM came up to D and said “you need to talk to the RA”. D said she had and that she didn’t really like that RM went to the RA without her and things deteriorated from that. D said RM started yelling and called her an immature b**** and D admits to yelling back.</p>
<p>D texted me that she wants a switch and “is done”. I told her to go talk to the RA herself and she said that they are set to meet with the RA this evening. I am really hoping that things will be able to be resolved.</p>
<p>I do want to clarify that IF D is Skyping/phoning in the room, it’s not to me 
We do text most days, but I am not constantly in contact and I really AM trying to encourage her to solve this problem herself. As far as I can tell, she mostly is on Tumblr or texting. I’m sure she talks to BF more than me, so maybe that is intrusive…</p>
<p>She is only a bit more than an hour from home, so I DID tell her I’ll come get her for the weekend, even though I told her I wanted her to wait a month to come home. She is breaking out in hives and getting sick from the stress and I just feel like a couple of days completely away from the stress might be helpful. </p>
<p>So…we’ll see how things turn out…</p>
<p>Thanks again for not making me feel like a helicopter parent!</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong in being a helicopter parent. My kids have thrived.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with switching rooms. NOTHING. And coming home for the weekend might be a good idea…just for some space!</p>
<p>The RA isn’t going to be able to wave a magic wand here. The RA will only hope to get the roomies to reach a compromise.</p>
<p>CTTC, yes, we did get involved when it became apparent that roommate was successfully manipulating the staff in a way that D seemed helpless to combat. Roommate ended up moving out. </p>
<p>azcatz, your D should definitely tell her side of the story to the RA asap. Based on my D’s experience, she can’t let whatever roommate says go unanswered. When my D was having her issues, oldfort wisely posted: </p>
<p>“The only thing I would do is to get your kid a single. Sharing a room with a total stranger doesn’t teach anyone anything. No one has to ever do that again later on in life. Even if it is going to cost more, I would suck it up and just pay for it. It is a waste of your tuition money to let this roommate issue have an effect on your kid’s education.”</p>
<p>That resonated with me. I don’t know if your D wants a single, but the stress this virtual stranger is inflicting on her is just wrong.</p>
<p>So, D is requesting a roommate change and so is the roommate. To make a long story short, according to D the roommate doesn’t want d’s BF to visit because he is older and she’s uncomfortable, but her new bf should be allowed to visit because d “knows him”.</p>
<p>D spends too much time in the room. RM wants her to not be in the room. RM says she’s not doing anything wrong and that it is all D.</p>
<p>So, D has a friend in another residence hall whose roommate left school. D is going to talk to her tonight and see if she’d be willing to have D move in.</p>
<p>Here comes my vent, so quit reading if you want. The hall that D would be moving into is on a different campus, a couple of miles away from the main campus where D’s classes are. It’s not a freshman only dorm. The dining hall situation is not as good. She will have to take a bus to get to the music building if she wants to practice. The music friends she has made all live on the main campus, mostly in the dorm she’s in now. I REALLY resent that SHE is having to move so that the RM can get what she wants. I’m trying hard to remember the two sides to a story thing, but I really feel like my D is being bullied by this girl and I’m angry that there’s not ANYTHING I can do. D is so stressed and miserable that she’s willing to do ANYTHING to get away.</p>
<p>UGH!!!</p>
<p>Thank you for listening.</p>
<p>My daughter switched roommates 2nd semester freshman year. By then she knew someone she thought she could live with easier than the partying, sex-fiend-in-the-room-while-D-was-trying-to-sleep roommate she had 1st semester. It worked out well.</p>
<p>This year she started over with 3 new roommates in an apartment- all new to the school except her. After 4 days she said “this is how it was supposed to be last year! everyone is SO NICE!” (4 weeks later it’s all still good.)</p>
<p>S had a stranger for a roommate freshman year and they are almost like the same person! 4th year together and still going strong. </p>
<p>You just never know what you will get with a roommate.</p>
<p>az- my daughter did the moving too. It really was good for her stress level. I completely understand your feelings that it isn’t fair your daughter is the one who will move, but what does she gain by being stubborn and staying to prove a point? The other girl might never leave and everything would just continue to escalate. I think even with the extra distance, if your daughter has a better living environment she will also have a better learning environment.</p>
<p>You are 100% right, psych. This young lady is pretty much convinced that she is completely right and D is completely wrong, so she probably isn’t going anywhere. I’ve already decided, though, that if D can’t make a roommate switch happen, I may HAVE to get involved.</p>
<p>I get that the RM has a right to time in the room. I really do. But so does my D. She’s paying HER room fees just the same as RM (well, I’M paying the fees) and I’m not OK with D feeling like she needs to sleep in a practice room to avoid going “home”. </p>
<p>Right now, I’m praying (truly) that D’s friend will be open to the idea of sharing a room with her. They have been friends since 4th grade…drifted a little in high school, but were still always friendly…keep your fingers crossed.</p>
<p>AAck! The dog ate my post!</p>
<p>Bottom line: The other living situation may not be as bad as you think (there are advantages to not being in a freshman-only dorm), but is it determined she’s got to be the one to go? Or that she is responsible for finding another living situation?</p>
<p>Perhaps the housing office can identify some other options at the main campus. OP’s D could then meet with any potential roommates and see if they’d be compatible before making a commitment.</p>
<p>And it’s also a possibility that if the friend’s roommate bailed on her, she might be willing to move to this part of the campus to room with your D . . . just a thought.</p>
<p>azcatz, you are saying D must move and RM doesn’t. That doesn’t sound right.</p>
<p>I’m not sure that there has been an official determination that D MUST move. She’s not being kicked out as far as I can tell. BUT the dorms are pretty much full so there aren’t a lot of options.</p>
<p>According to D, RA said she thought the ladies should try to work it out, make some agreements, compromise. D says that RM doesn’t think she’s done anything that requires her to compromise. The problems are D’s…</p>
<p>So, no she doesn’t HAVE to go, at least not yet, but she is so miserable that she is willing to be the one to go in order to get out of this situation.</p>
<p>My S2 had roommate issues last year - RM was the introvert, very serious, very early riser (aggressive about it, turned on lights, slammed door, etc). S2, the extrovert, night owl and loves to sleep in and luckily planned his schedule accordingly. They also had a big-blowup after a HS friend (male) came to visit for a big tailgate weekend. That was it - S2 was done and decided he needed to move for his own mental health and to get some sleep!</p>
<p>Is housing able to give her a list of potential openings? When S2 contacted housing they were able to give him a list of all the “switches”, several of which were in his building (All the dorms are full at his school too, but there was a fairly substantial amount of changes) He was then able to review the list and meet with the guys about a potential better match. It was the BEST decision for him. He ended up moving just down the hall, with a kid he had become very good friends with - they are now great friends and fraternity brothers.</p>
<p>Good Luck!</p>
<p>The schools my kids went to- all three of them - reserved singles for situations like this, and also kept a list of openings. When my son’s roommate had to go home due to health, the college moved a guy in who was an introvert and had trouble living with others who weren’t. My son is easy going and it worked out fine.</p>
<p>I do think it would be good to get someone involved who is higher up than the RA. A dean who is trained in working with students this age, for instance. Trying to work it out could be a good experience. I disagree with the poster who says this is not a situation that occurs throughout life: my daughter just moved into an apartment with a stranger, and in my 60’s, I am contemplating it myself.</p>
<p>If it cannot be worked out, then your daughter should absolutely not have to move across campus. She needs to think carefully about what is important to her in terms of housing. She may be tempted to take refuge with a known person who is a friend, but if the logistics of travel back and forth to class and practice rooms is going to be a problem, she might want to regroup and they try to get some other situation where she is now.</p>
<p>It is frustrating, but neither girl gets to “kick out” a roommate. I guess whoever finds the situation least tolerable leaves. My d was the one to go freshman year. Her roommate came home so wasted one night she wasn’t wearing pants (D: “Who comes home without pants?”) D said she wasn’t going to take care of a drunk every weekend, so she moved. Roommate didn’t like d much, either, but evidently could live with d’s sins or was more stubborn. Anyway, d would’ve liked to stay in her room but couldn’t.</p>